My friends’ deaths were hard. But having a school you loved your whole life give you a hard time about the deaths is harder. Financial aid has always given me the impression that I was making it up just to get out of class. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this, especially this past 48 hours.
As I write this, my record label is in pain. We lost Slim Caddy, the brother of Royalti Virtue label owner Da’Rell Miller on Thursday, April 20th, 2017.
Darrell Miller II, age 30
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I’m a jokester, and I post stupid photos on Instagram all the time.
However I would never joke about a murder, suicide, or sickness just to get out of class or to get out of doing something. It’s aggravating that anyone at anytime would think I’m making this stuff up. I’m not a fan of funerals, and cemeteries absolutely scare me. I didn’t have a great college experience, but there’s no way I want to sing kumbaya in a cemetery. It’s funny, they say put family first. And to have a friend, you got to be a friend. I did that, and not only was the book thrown at me, I was abandoned. I can understand losing my scholarship over partying too much or missing class because I chose to drink booze instead. The only thing I did was attend funerals and showed the people that I care about them in life and in death.
I had some hard situations and I did the best I could (and people around me showed me that I didn’t cut the mustard).
To put it in perspective, I lost a friend 1 semester, and 3 others the following semester. To list all the names would be long, so I gave you the quick run down version of something I went through.
My family is huge, and I make it a point to get to know people by sticking my neck out there. So my network is big.
Being thrown away like a piece of trash after experiencing murders, suicides or losing someone to sickness is the worst level of pain you can deal with. Or to have a school say you’re lying about it sucks. (Keep in mind this was my dream school in grade school, to be treated like that is compared to being stabbed in the heart) I even got a letter from the funeral director and a few copies of the obituary, how in the world is that made up? I’m not writing this to ask for mercy (because when I needed it I didn’t get it and no one can take back what happened) but I really hope you have some people in your life that’s there when your heart is being ripped out of your chest. Or care enough to reach out to you.
Let me repeat that.
I really hope you have some people in your life that’s there when your heart is being ripped out of your chest. Or care enough to reach out to you. Or to keep reaching out to you even if you say you’re ok.
It sucks because people say they will be there for you. I can’t tell you the amount of unanswered texts and phone calls I’ve dealt with.
But when I went through the meat grinder, they didn’t really care. What happened and how people ran when they saw me, walked across the street and treated me spoke volumes. I never knew how mean college kids could be (or how cruel people could be in general) until I experienced all that. I would have loved it if more people were there. Sometimes you can’t put into words how you are feeling. You don’t have to know the right words to say. Just be there.
#1 Confession Of A Strong Person.
Let me tell you something about being strong. You are there for other people (and will reach out to people) but when you need it, it’s no where to be found. Why?
The deaths of Slim Caddy, my cuz and my granny has been difficult. Since it happened in a 2 month period, (my cuz and granny last month and Slim Caddy this month) it’s been weird for me that I’m experiencing 3 people passing away around the same time again.
The difference currently? As I recently posted on my Instagram, the silver lining is this time I’m not having no books being thrown at me. I can show my respects in peace without being thrown away like a piece of trash. I don’t have to feel bad for experiencing pain. I don’t have to explain to financial aid or someone why I’m not going to class, or why I’m not doing tasks perfectly that day (or for months). I don’t have to deal with an professor who doesn’t want to accommodate just because or despite what the Dean of Students said they think I’m lying. I don’t have to justify anything. I can respectfully take a fall from grace without being judged. I can process in peace and heal from medical issues without threats (if you don’t do this, we will take this away from you….). I can sleep in until 3:00 pm because I want to (and no I don’t do that normally, I promise). I have no regrets about paying respects to my loved ones.
I’m considered a “strong” person, but I would love it if more people reached out.
Hello! I’m Alesha! I’m a foodie. I eat & write love letters to food (I’m not joking, I confess my love to pizza especially.
===Most people can stop reading here, it’s the end of the article.===
To the .1 of people that reached out or care, don’t think I don’t notice you or don’t appreciate you. I do profoundly. Sometimes I don’t tell you things because I don’t want to burden you. Or my family told me not to say anything. If you ever felt like I was pushing you away, I’m sorry! I don’t mean to be this way.
It’s funny because even during my hospital stays doctors keep saying you’re strong and young. And you should be sent home early (NO NO NO!) There is nothing strong about feeling like someone took a sledgehammer to you after a surgery. I felt like someone hit me with a car with the first go around, and I still feel off.
There will be mistakes in this. I will forget people in this, my bad! That doesn’t mean I don’t love you. At my granny’s funeral, a lot of people introduced themselves to me that day and I don’t remember them. They are all good people! I’m leaving last names out for the most part because they will know who they are (I’m not even sure if they will read this shit or not, I rather tell them in person anyways).
Salute to my brother Royalti Virtue’s Da’Rell Miller. I’m sorry about Slim Caddy. I’m sad because I’ll never get to tour with him or do all the things labelmates get to do together. As a family we will get through it together.
Salute to Divyanshu Chaturvedi for sticking with me though all this hard stuff as a business partner. You could have left me high and drive like a lot of other people have. You’re a true ride or die. Reaching out to you with a Facebook message was one of the best things I’ve ever did!
Matthew, I’ve only known you for a short time, but thank you for reaching out to me with your kind texts. One of the things I’ve noticed lately is my friends not saying anything with these 3 deaths. When you lose people, people not saying anything is the absolute worst experience, like they don’t care (and I’m convinced they don’t). You don’t have to have the perfect words or the perfect reaction. Maybe they avoid the issue and avoid me because it makes them feel awkward. Thank you for kicking awkwardness in the teeth and reaching out.
Amelia you’re the best. Thank you for being on my side and being so understanding. When people ask me about school, it’s a friendly reminder of how many people that passed away or feelings of not being wanted. You quickly tell people that I was not treated well, and stand up for me like no one else will. You’re the one that understands and respects that I don’t like re-opening a wound all the time. My family especially interrogates me with college questions, and I wish they knew how painful it was for me. Everyone needs someone like you in their life.
Sree you always reach out with messages no matter how much time has passed to check in on me.
Patrick, I love how you keep reaching out to me. I’ve known you since grade school. You’re one of the few friends I want to claim from grade school. Lol. You’re in two bands, and I promise I plan on coming to a performance.
Salute to Teresita for the skype sessions. I feel like even if it’s 6 months, I can still message you a random meme and you won’t be wierded out by me.
Paul, brother, I’m sticking by you. As someone who’s been thrown away, and stereotyped, I understand how that feels when someone doesn’t give you a chance (or listen to others’ opinion of you instead of getting to know you, it sucks, people in my major did this to me). I can’t wait to tour with you and get into that recording studio.
Alex, blood brother. I love all the memories we share. Let me know if you need me for something. I won’t abandon you or treat you like you don’t exist.
Hassan, thanks for always reaching out to me to this day. Meeting you at the 2014 APO convention was one of the aha moments in my life. I loved how you came to visit even though the medicines made me a rude host.
Chris, success is when your children turn out better than you. I can say without no doubt this is definitely the case. You’re likable but you’re nice to everyone also. I initially joined the chapter because I didn’t feel wanted or welcome (I still had my doubts about finding my piece of the puzzle anywhere to be honest). It was harder on me to get those deep connections since I had a lot on my plate (I never complained or told anyone how bad it gotten), and you did it with ease. I haven’t been creeping on Facebook in a hot minute, but I can guarantee you’re one of the most beloved and the one peeps wanna hang out with. Thank you for making me feel welcomed, sonny. My snaps can be absolutely stupid or ugly af and you still respond.
Yes, I’m going to release those songs in the future. My label is putting them on a future ep (that shit takes forever sometimes, we are making something for Slim Caddy so everything is getting delayed again). Thanks for still claiming me as your APO mother even though I jumped ship. You could have disowned me for abandonment, lol.
Riley, you should be a rapper. I love how you enjoy my singing and rapping videos. I didn’t think people paid attention.
Kimberly! My STEM lady! I love your comment about my grandmother on Insta. She’s my everything and to lose her has been weird. I remember you saying that I’m making those dollas during Skype? Well those dollas are going toward “Tuna.” Lol. Just for the record, no matter what people think I’m still working on myself everyday.
Jonathan, son, you would’ve been an excellent president. I notice being in a few organizations together people really didn’t give you a fair shake. If it makes you feel better, I was asked to leave several organizations because I missed too many meetings over medical issues (I never told anyone about that side of my college life, it took me telling people about me being in the ER in 2016 for people to finally believe me). When these issues slow down, I’d love to invite you to a few of my startups in the future (and make you a president and CEO) if you are up for that. Or maybe even invite you on a label tour?
Vicki! I love running into you while walking downtown at random. I miss everyone like hell and I wish I could run into others the way I run into you.
Erin, I loved rapping with you that one night! You and Perry need to form a rap group. I love how the week after my surgery you reached out with a message. You’re one of my biggest supporters, and I love you for not giving up on me when others did. I notice your follows and likes.
Danielle #1 I remember when you reached out with a text saying if I needed you. If you don’t remember, I definitely do.
Danielle #2 I still remember you reaching out to me with several messages asking if I was ok. I wish more people gave a damn about me like that in school. I was always under the impression that people didn’t care. I have a lot of reasons to think that people don’t care. Thank you for making me question that. I remember you saying if I wanted to talk about it a few times in person. I did but I couldn’t really say anything at the time. (It’s like running your mouth when you are in a lawsuit, talking will cost you a case lol). You’re a sweetheart. Like I said at the beginning, I didn’t mean to push you away.
Salute to Lisa, Danielle for offering to visit me in the hospital when this first started in 2016. I turned you both down because family member(s) was yelling at the top of their lungs, freaking out. It was awful bloody embarrassing to be in that level of physical pain and to have someone act out like a fool. Good lawdz. I understand that they were probably worried about me, but acting like zoo animals did not help…..I hope they get that message and when I go back my goodness please don’t act like that. -_-
Lisa, I remember one weekend you came up to give me an hug. I still have this picture on Facebook lol. Most of the time I was always sick to my stomach worried about a) something, period. b) nervous about a dying relative c) If I felt well enough to get out of bed d) a friend wanting to do something to themselves. So small stuff like hugs meant the world. I remember you saying that I could talk to you. I was told to not say anything at the time, and didn’t mean to push you away either. A family member got so upset when I reached out to some other family members about my granny’s death. If I don’t say anything at the time, it’s not because I don’t want to.
Leslie, gurl! I’m not going to stop talking to you. I was on the short end of being in on SB trips, sleep overs, and everything in between. I’m sometimes not sure if I was a “brother” or not. That includes other orgs too. It’s hard to explain the feeling but I felt like I didn’t belong, and when I walked in on an event I wasn’t there. Maybe I couldn’t fully embrace what I had because I was always on edge all the time. I don’t know if you remember me saying this to you the last time we talked, but we can be outsiders together.
Lindsey, thank you for supporting me and being so kind. I love how I can send a message to you over snap and you ask if I’m ok? “Are you ok” is three words, but words I wish others would ask more often.
Johnathan, thank you for being an listening ear. I didn’t think anyone cared to check in on me. Until you, Jamie, and Danielle sent messages to me saying stop being hard on yourself. I thank you three kreneks for trying to get me to open up more. I remember you saying “damn I had no idea you were going through that.” I try not to be a negative Nancy or Debbie downer in people’s lives, so I hid a lot of stuff (and I try to not to throw everything on people’s plates anyway). I didn’t think I deserve a krenek sweatshirt so I didn’t get it (going back on campus brings back bad memories so I won’t be visiting too often lol. My cousins will need to either knock me out or waterboard me first.)
Jamie they say you should be nice to everyone you meet because you have no idea what they been through. You’re one of the best examples of this. When I was trying to run a pledge class with you, I was having a hard time with several friends passing away and losing several relatives that year. I thought about leaving then, but I didn’t want to leave you high and drive. (or dry, whatever words you’re supposed to say lol).
Rebecca I remember you always being enthusiastic about my music, and wanting to talk things out. I couldn’t really say anything. You and Vicki gave me some good memories to hold on to, because trust me I don’t have many.
Sarah, I remember getting in touch with you saying “”hey are you going to overnighter? I’m here instead of going to a family wake.” You got on my case saying “hey family comes first.” What I didn’t tell you is I have a big family and me attending those is a common thing, but I wanted to skip that time. After you told me that I didn’t skip again. You also said I believe in you. I almost couldn’t believe people could be nice up there.
Oh you said if I ever got married you would be a bride mate? Guess what you and the other people I asked a long time ago is off the hook. I loved college deeply as a kid and the hurt I feel from it makes me not want to love like that ever again. Shit.
Emily. You, Nick, Rebecca, and Chris are some of the coolest peeps around. (I’m still writing come back in like a day).
Whoever I keep forgetting. I’m still updating this. Check back every few days.
(Friends. It’s early, and I’ve forgotten some people I know. Some shout outs are shorter than others. I’m sleepy. Don’t hate me. I’d like to tell you in person to be honest.)