More of a self-reflection piece. I may not hit 30 but it’s gonna be awfully close.
I debated on changing this to 30 dumb things people wanted me to absorb/learn as a child. Despite people telling me a number of these teachings, I didn’t fall for it.
Then I figured what the hell. Leave it the way it is and if people are interested enough they will read.
In January, I came across a Reddit thread that got me thinking: What was the dumbest thing I thought as a child?
- *I decided to start putting up an asterisk to give people a heads up. If you don’t like harsh and keeping it real Alesha, this article is not for you. If you can stand the heat, welcome to my kitchen.
That a college degree will lead you to a financially stable life. They don’t tell you that the status quo is a lie, and the students loans that you can get can bury you before you die.
The more I read articles like Jack Kelly’s Why Some Say College Is No Longer The Sure Way To Success, the more I can agree with what they are saying. All my childhood I was hounded with the message that attending school was the ONLY way out. And if you don’t have it figured out the first 4 years, go back for grad school and get into more debt so you can figure it out.
You can either scroll down to key takeaways if the following is too long.
I see a lot of examples with people with college degrees struggling and I’m officially turned off (salute to those that felt your degree was worth it).
(Yes, we need doctors. No dropouts will operate on me. College serves some purposes. Learning how to drink and connecting with many on the party circuit is what helped me cope with all the trauma. Yall also gave me many pictures to laugh at. Thank you loves, you saved me more than you’ll ever know.)
As a kid, you would have seen me wear college t-shirts, buying into the hype and loving idea of being a college kid. It was hounded in our throats to have the college experience. I was made to believe that this is the safe route, and this is THE only WAY to success. No more. Ah, I was so f***** stupid, innocent and gullible in grade school for believing that shit. More and more people are put into poverty over student loan debt. It’s a vicious and relentless cycle.
I would have bought the bait years ago. But boy have my views drastically changed.
I ended up at a school where I watched more friends kill themselves, one friend got murdered on campus, where they told me my skin color will keep me from doing stuff (basically wanting me to play victim for the rest of my life), professors giving me lower grades than all my white friends (I did their homework and compared assignments to catch them doing that), an advisor setting me up with 20 hours my first semester to flunk me out of school, the school letting go of this advisor and not repairing the damage he did to me and other students, not being able to get in many orgs for years there fore not being able to have anyone to talk to, losing countless experiences and opportunities for growth, being hung up on when I reached out to for help at the health center, semesters of 1 major not having the classes I needed to move closer to graduation, then the tech major complaining about it, my scholarship being taken away after a few family deaths, professors not honoring accommodations and flunking me on exams anyways, dean of students lying in my face about how helpful they really are, being petrified about being dropped from school everyday, and them making me think I was making up the pain I was feeling (for example: It’s in your head), and later it ended up being a tumor I needed major surgery for. To this day we gotta keep an eye on it to make sure it doesn’t re-grow. I dodged cancer thank goodness, but it could always come back and the lucky surgery spot is very painful from time to time.
People kept and keep telling me that college is the best four (or 5, 6, 7) years of my life. And the real world is so brutal. It’s (college) the most stressed I’ve ever been. And the real world is cold and brutal, but my real world life I will admit has been 1000% better. This is why I ignore 99% of people and find the 1% who knows what they are talking about.
Dehumanizing comments in school was very much the norm. People didn’t see me as a human being, just someone to label and stereotype; and to throw the book at when make a mistake, and to chip away at you so much that you wouldn’t want to aspire to do anything, because they only saw you one way. I never hated on my friends who had/have “privileges.” I just saw the writing on the wall, and counted down the days when that period of my life would be over.
I wasn’t a person, just someone for them to discount and dispose of as quickly as they could. How do I know? Because they only saw me as a stereotype, and were more comfortable with me playing a role.
If you know me well, I hate playing victim and I hate pulling the race card. I love meeting and having friends from different backgrounds and religions. We don’t agree all the time, and can have civil disagreements and go to the bar afterwards. There were times they wanted me to pull the race card and I refused. And there’s other times that racist things actually happened, and they brushed it under the rug hoping it would go away. It’s was/is a losing battle with the red tape being so thick that fighting the war was and still is a losing battle.
The bureaucracy of it all and the life events made me change my views on college. I don’t know how much damage was done to my mental health in school. I really couldn’t tell anyone, I guarantee I’m missing a few brain cells. While it was happening, I numbed myself to get through the days.
I look at old college pictures and headshots. I remember so much of my hair falling out. My hair is growing like crazy since leaving school.
Because of my “babyface” I get included in any college conversations by default and if my experience wasn’t so bad I wouldn’t care so much. F*** I don’t mind being called the college failure amongst my friends. Even though it was out of my control, I fell from grace, holy s***. My college life was/is mostly a trainwreck with a few good memories on the tracks. I met Tequila, bar-hopping friends and a few good buffets along the way.
It’s a topic I avoid at dinner parties for sure. I make sure I got a big o red marker for college convos or straight up avoid the party if needed haha. As much as I like going out, I have rung in a few New Year’s by myself.
Thank goodness I made up my own mind in my 20’s. All the mess ups and epic fails that I was in college, I swear my real world life is a 360 difference.
It’s easy to judge someone in their school life and think that they will be a life failure because they messed up, or keep messing up OR assume that they will be a success throughout their life because they did well in school. Read up on Why People Who Succeed At School Don’t Always Succeed In Life and 7 Reasons Why Smart, Hardworking People Aren’t Always Successful.
If a couple of millionaires didn’t scoop me up I could have easily been buried financially, mentally, psychologically, physically.
What they really need to teach in school is your destiny is in your own hands and the less you depend on people (ESPECIALLY FINANCIALLY) the better off you will be. If you can find a way to fund your own education and life, think for yourself, and go against the status quo you’re gonna be ahead of most people in life.
Great perspective on how we are not playing on a level field. Once people understand that the world is not fair, and everyone has certain advantages as well as disadvantages, and that we should look towards capitalizing on our own advantages, the better we will perform.
I often hear people state that they are just waiting for their ship to come in. To which I reply “How will you know if your ship has come in if you aren’t at the dock?”
Just as I tell clients that opportunity comes to those who create it. Call it luck or whatever you choose, but those that look to create their own opportunities or luck by being available and meeting the right people everyday, putting in the time to network with others that can assist you and going the extra mile in work, education and personal development are those that are going to succeed.-Nick Falcone
- They didn’t value me the way I valued me. They were more comfortable with seeing me a certain way than getting to know the real me. They kept labeling me, and I basically told my department head to treat me like any other student. Do you say white students of technology? Exactly. So quit yelling “minorities in technology” in my face every 5 minutes and quit treating me like I’m a dummy.
- People steered me wrong with well-intentioned advice about college and life (because they are teaching us what they were taught, and you can’t teach something you don’t know). Quite a few people in college was more comfortable with me playing a role and being a puppet. Hard work doesn’t necessarily mean success. I know people who work “hard” with 4 jobs and still are struggling. I use my “advantages” to forge ahead. (See this article and Nick Falcone’s comment for details. There’s so many great comments I couldn’t list them all.)
- College has benefited some of my friends and made their situation(s) better. Do you fall into this category? For me it no longer aligned with my higher purpose and I said “f*** it."
- I learned how to drink Tequila in college. I have memories with friends that took my mind off things. I have plenty of “Omg pictures” that makes me laugh. And will go to a food court occasionally at a nearby LA or NYC campus (ie UCLA, USC, NYU, etc.) I try not to visit the campus that treated me mean and I don’t acknowledge their existence ANYWHERE. I’m pretty sure college is the reason I have gray hairs growing out of my head, why I don’t trust easily, and possibly why I kept getting sick. Trust me. I’ve been socially distancing myself way before coronavirus was in the picture.
- I wouldn’t be opposed to visiting different campuses and taking a course here or there (preferably food related where I can eat, because getting an A is no longer my end goal). For the most part, I have no desire to go through stressful classes, exams and learn things I won’t use in the real world.
At this period in my life, I feel it’s the dumbest thing I ever believed as a child. I’ll let you know if that changes. Or if I have some sort of awakening that changes me.
#2 That insurance are worth the benefits
Having surgery right after my college disaster was interesting timing. The pain that college doctors said that was in my head and making up to get out of class was a tumor. (I WASN’T LYING KNUCKLEHEADS).
They put me on insurance to help me out. I ended up liking the people, joined the advisory board, the community and found some camaraderie.
What happens? What do they usually do with something I like?
They came up and come up with every reason under the sun to take it away. Or keep trying to take it away or discontinue it.
It’s interesting because during these debates and town hall democratic candidates (especially Bernie) keeps talking about free insurance.
I got a new phone and checked how much of my insurance I actually used in a year period.
(Screenshot coming soon)
The benefits and the red tape they put me through is not worth it for the “free” insurance. After kicking me off and appealing so much, it’s best for me to pay out of pocket, since using $14.50 out of $2,000 for a whole year is so greedy and selfish.
The more responsible I tried to be, the more excuses they kept coming up with. No thanks Bernie, leave me off the free insurance list.
Another theory shoved into my throat as a teenager: that I need to work for a company that gives me good insurance and benefits.
So they can play office politics and fire me the first chance they get? No thank you.
My doctors and dentists prefer for me to pay out of pocket. As a potential next surgery comes up, I asked them how much is that so I can pay for it myself if needed.
Has your insurance worked for you?
#3 For the most part, every time I depended on other people, I lived to regret it.
My mom and my grandmother are exceptions. (My granny is dead so it’s just my mom I can ask for help now.)
I notice my family members are starting to keep track of how much they help you and remind you every chance they get.
#4 That people care and look out for you
Every once in a while, you run into people like Steve Bello, your grandma, and your mother (or father. In my case my father is a deadbeat and cares more about sex then children. But I say he’s dead so people quit asking).
As a kid you think people aren’t so cruel. But they are when you’re old enough to realize it.
We ran around on the playground thinking that everyone we were forced to be in class with is automatically your friend. But they are not. Just because you have history with someone doesn’t mean they are friends with you.
If it boils down to it, I rather stay in a homeless shelter than ask most of my relatives for help. They say that they will help you, but talk about you like a dog and put you through changes. Like I mentioned in a previous post, I go to friends for help if only necessary.
It’s a dog eat dog world out here, and I’ve written plenty of posts about that. Many people love to see you fail. It’s unfortunate that you run into more haters than supporters. I have a story below on why I don’t admire others as quickly.
#5 That I will be married with kids by the age of 25.
Hell no. Avoiding both for a long time.
My mom’s friend asked me once if I’m dressing up looking for Mr. Wonderful.
I dress up for me, and if I happen to meet someone, fine. But don’t think for a second that I’m waiting and breaking my neck for someone.
I’m not going to learn how to cook just for the sake of cooking for a guy. I’ll learn to learn a new skill.
#6 That I’ll Be Working A 9 to 5 job
“ They say they wish they had what I had, but they mean something else. Maybe they’re struggling to take steps to improve their lives. Maybe they’re struggling to define what an improvement might look like. Maybe they know what it looks like, but they’re afraid of what that means.-Ian Alton
That’s the predetermined route that every one’s supposed to take without question.
I questioned it and rebelled against the status quo. (Erica Simon Williams, my new favorite: I’ve been called difficult and all of the above. I’m happy to take the hits and let people talk, because society has this place they want women in, I refuse to fall for it.)
Every time I have free time. They always ask if I’m in college or working a regular 9 to 5. They assume that people my age or “young looking people” are unavailable during the day and working corporate. And sure, a lot of us do.
There’s some of us that escaped or never had to deal with the rat race.
And there’s quite a few of us that breaks perceptions, stereotypes, and scatters their ideas of what “reality” is supposed to be.
I guess to the normal person, people who got their money working for them is a rare exception. It’s not. There’s enough people earning money “the multiple income stream way” that it’s not rocket science or chemistry. It’s a trend and a lifestyle that you can achieve with the right amount of guts, education (learning from the right people) and persistence.
It’s not for everyone.
When people ask my mom if I’m supposed to be in school, I have to forgive them…..acting gives me free time and same with my businesses.
#7 That you have to do what everyone else is doing to be successful (or happy).
I had an honest and blunt conversation with a old friend.
I basically mentioned that you’re married, you got your masters, you got your 9 to 5 job with insurance and benefits.
You did what everybody in society wanted you to do. Shouldn’t you have all the answers and have life figured out like everyone always say? Come on now…
I can tell I struck a nerve because deep down I think they know that doing what everyone else want them to do, following cultural norms, rules and expectations deep down doesn’t necessarily make you happy.
Sure, you fit in. And you might have some certificates hanging on your wall. Will you go to your grave with unpursued ideas because you were too afraid of what others thought of you? But are you really happy with the decisions you made?
If you are cool.
If not. As John P. Weiss points out. Do the opposite. Be the purple cow.
I think one of the misleading messages they send in school is you got to be like everyone else, learn like everyone and be followers. Look at how many times they are quick to label you if you learn differently, are different or call you a failure when you make mistakes.(I’m not suggesting to aim for straight F’s. What I’m also saying is not freak out if you get a B or C. I’ve had friends kill themselves over not getting straight As. One thing goes wrong and they freak out like it’s the end of the world. I begged them to don’t do something permanent to yourself over something temporary.)
Usually we study people who are successful and try to follow what they did. It make sense to want to follow their blueprint, and to a certain extent it works.
For example, maybe your friend Suzy has a job at Facebook. She moved to California. Pulling in 500,000 a year, more or less. Hell maybe a million a year. (B**** getting paid haha).
You could copy this same path. Take up the same major. Follow in the same educational footsteps.
There’s so many people that follow. There’s so many that don’t think for themselves. Make your own path.
Sure, Suzy went down a certain path. But will following exactly what she did work for you? If you want to stand out from what everyone else is doing and really be happy, you got to be the purple cow.
Trying to be like everyone else leads to a life of mediocrity.
#8 That scholarships come without strings attached.
When they told me that they were looking out for me in college, I should have ran for the California hills and never looked back.
Some scholarships are good. But in my case they used it as an opportunity to label me and subtly call me stupid because of the color of my skin.
I was really stupid as a teenager to believe that people were looking out for me and giving me something for nothing. Maybe I should make this my personal #3 or #2.
They don’t care about hardships, devastating circumstances or you overextending yourself. I know this from personal experience. Any reason they can take it away they will in a heartbeat. Eventually they will give up on you, and it’s best to have your own. I was bought and I talk about that here.
Be a Mike Bloomberg. Have your own so you don’t have to answer to people.
P.S. I probably would have been better off having a sugar daddy and selling foot photos online (when I saw this one person sell their feet photos for 3,000 each and they were selling 100s of them each, I REALIZED HOW CRAZY PEOPLE ARE. Why would anyone spend money on feet? Hell the person making their money so good for them, but yuck 😝.)
I’ll stick with my businesses, music, acting. (I don’t like feet and my feet are ugly. I’ll leave the sugar alone too lol.)
#9 You got to be nice to appease everyone.
I speak my mind, and if they don’t like it, tough.
As my white guy friends and relatives speak their mind without hesitation or punishment, as Jameela Jamil said in this clip, so I do the same (even though I’m fully aware of how my stances makes me an outsider).
I adopt the privilege as well.
#10 That everyone you go to school with is automatically your friend.
Wrongo. Many times it’s convenience. You see these people on a regular basis and automatically call them friends when sometimes they don’t deserve to be. I make sure I’m not in town for grade school reunions, see the following articles for details. With friends like this you don’t need enemies.
#11 That church-going people are some of the best people.
Yes, there’s some good people in church.
However, some of the worst people I met in my life are people I met in church.
There’s been guys that call themselves “Christians” and “God fearing men.”
This is not attractive or impressive. I’ll raise my eyebrows and start running for the hills.
If you are really Christians, you don’t have to talk about it. You live it and you be about it.
Please don’t profess to me how many scriptures you read. Just read the Bible/Koran/Your Book Of Choice/ and don’t brag about it. I don’t want to hear that the holy spirit or holy ghost is flowing through your veins. If you say you’re a god or saint, I’m really running fast away from you.
In both my current and former parishes like many other churches, they have the tendency to ignore you when they don’t think you have anything and all up in your face when donation time comes around. This is why I’m very discreet about what I have. If they knew they would be all in my face being fake. I keep my wallet at home.
Remember if they can’t use you they don’t want to be bothered.
The one who threatened me and my dog has a picture of folding hands in the window. Just as I expect.
The girl who called herself being my best friend in grade school who for years tried to destroy me calls herself God’s child. Just as I expect.
Some of my meanest and most judgemental relatives are the most self-righteous. Just as I expect.
I’ll leave “The Christians” alone lol.
I have so many more stories here. If you want to hear even more stories, message me on here or social media.
#12 That you can ask for money from your family and they will always be there for you.
F*** that shit.
I don’t know how your family is, but if you borrow money from many of my relatives, they hound your throat til they get it back. You will be talked about behind your back endlessly. But if they ask from you you’re supposed to give generously.
Remember: Everything you borrow from them is remembered, but they are quick to forget what they borrow from you. Got it? Good.
I have a several cousins who made it as coaches and players and the name dropping that happens to get in NBA or NFL games are pathetic. (Name dropping ain’t cool, and if you want to really support, buy the damn ticket without them knowing and if your intentions are genuine, MAYBE good things will happen in return. But you shouldn’t be doing something just to get something anyways….just saying.)
We don’t support each other and we only come around when there is something in it for them. When you down, they kick you further. When you up, they jump on the bandwagon.
#13 Blood is thicker than water.
In some instances, this still applies. Like my 1st cousins. Many of them have been there for me in many ways.
In many instances, I find that I can go to my network of friends first. Some of my friends treat me nicer than family.
#14 That teachers will protect you.
Nope. A lot of times they were scared of the bullies and disciplined the good kids. They never defended me and were actually happy to me get bullied. See this article for details.
Teachers like this recent teacher on the Kelly Clarkson shows are ghosts of the teachers that I wish I had in grade school, especially. From Kindergarten to 3rd grade was cool.
I went to my 4th grade teacher’s mother’s wake. She was one of the few nice teachers I had.
It got interesting in 4th grade and so forth.
In high school, I have a few favorites teachers. My advisor im high school was excellent.
#15 That people don’t judge a book by its cover.
We all have a tendency to make spot-on assumptions when people talk to us. Everything we’ve experienced up to that point and the stereotypes society enforces on you makes you come up with some preconceived notions when you want to figure something out. This is fairly common but it’s also not right. This prevents you from coming to an unbiased conclusion. When you’re trying to understand what someone is saying, don’t try to twist their words so that they mean something you understand. Rather, ask them more questions. Don’t hesitate to ask for a clearer explanation.-The Mind Journal
I’m going to put this in bold several times throughout this section and article. Many of us make assumptions on people. Let’s be honest. Everything we’ve experienced up to that point and the stereotypes society enforces on you makes you come up with some preconceived notions when you want to figure something out. This is fairly common but it’s also not right. This prevents you from coming to an unbiased conclusion.
It’s up to you to catch yourself in the middle of assumption and say “wait, let me wait and get to know this person."
It’s a covenanted quote that we throw around in society. “DON’T JUDGE A BOOK BY IT’S COVER.”
Yet we make judgement calls and perceptions about people all the time. If only more people would stop themselves when making a judgment call;
A lot of times in school, I didn’t get the benefit of the doubt. People, and some professors had their wacked out ideas of what they thought I was. They had preconceived notions and assumptions about me, and there was no turning back no matter what. They didn’t see the good, the capacity “or potential” (see why I’m not a fan of potential, and I use capacity more).
Instead of getting to know me for me, they jumped to conclusions. They profiled me.
They had an idea of how they thought I should be, or were more comfortable with seeing me a certain way. There was no changing their mind, or putting their prejudices to bed.
For example: My first english teacher in high school had it out for all black students. It’s the only C I ever got, because she saw me a certain way and heard rumors.
Let’s be honest: A lot of the stereotypes that they heard about people from my grade school was pretty much true, and they did live up to them, this post explains more. At the time, my parish was pretty pathetic. (How my former school is right now in 2020 is how it always should have been.)
HOWEVER. WITH THAT BEING SAID.
Why not do your own investigation, to see if the people you’re stereotyping live up to it or not at all? Or better, get to know them first and give them the benefit of the doubt? Instead of fearing what you don’t understand, get to know someone. Embrace differences instead of attacking them.
My english teacher went around to other teachers at my high school to ask what kind of student I was. When she realized I wasn’t a hood ghetto rat like the reputation my parish had at the time, her demeanor changed.
For the rest of high school, she was the nicest lady to me! She hugged me in the hallways.
It’s bad that a lot of people jump to conclusions first and then have this idea of how they think you are versus getting to know you first.
#16 You Can Get Second Chances
Sometimes you don’t get a second chance. I watched crime shows where one mistake was costly.
Jameela also talked about cancel culture.
I would hang out with my freshman english teacher in a heartbeat, and she was truly sorry and remorseful. My childhood best friends? It would be better if we stayed away from each other, because the person in question isn’t remorseful, and would take every opportunity she could to destroy me in a heartbeat, still. 20 years later. Some people do change and realize the error of their ways, others don’t. You gotta have the wisdom to recognize when you can give people another chance or when it’s better to cut your losses.
Example: In college, I ran for president in my Alpha Phi Omega chapter. They only saw me one way, and didn’t even give me a chance to show them what I got. I was accused multiple times of not following through, and people talked about me behind my back. I was also not in the cliques, I was not a popular person, nor was I a white male. Every mistake I made it was noted, and every mistake others made it was forgotten about or pushed to the side.
Everything and anything they could to come up against me to keep me out of of being president they did.
In my businesses and in the acting world, I make so many mistakes that I embrace them and learn from them. It propelled me to the stratosphere. The same people who didn’t vote for me then were quick to add me on LinkedIn later.
As I will tell everybody, if you don’t support me when I had little or nothing, you don’t deserve to be around when I have everything. Not out of spite or revenge, just saying homie.
But in school, they don’t give you this chance to bounce back from mistakes, and it’s a very misleading message that I said above: that you gotta be perfect in everything and when you fail at something you’re a failure.
I remember my experiences in running for president so much because it gave me a preview of how people are. Cut-throat, competitive and straight up cold blooded. When I give these people a dose of their own medicine they claim I should turn the other cheek and be the bigger person. (GTFOH, and practice what you preach instead of trying to guilt me into giving you something, because that’s what most of them are getting in touch for nowadays.)
I have noticed that the people that others supported or voted for in school really didn’t translate into real life post college (every once in a while I see people do well both in college and the real world). It’s interesting to see where people who were really liked or got cut all the breaks how they turned out after school. When they get out in the real world and realize they are not the teacher’s favorite or “Big Man On Campus” anymore, they can’t take it. They are not used to getting their way.
One disappointment makes them flip the handle because they were always handed everything. In a way, difficulties and not getting your way all the time builds character and resilience.
I didn’t get cut many breaks or got second chances. I felt like people had way higher standards for me than they did themselves, and were quick to cut me every chance they got.
They didn’t want to support me because they were afraid of what I would become.
#17 That you gotta marry to move up to the next level.
I need to move this up closer to #5.
They teach us women to go after high net worth men instead of getting the networth ourselves. And to marry for financial support and security. We are suppose to side step our ambitions for his, and his career highlights are supposed to be our career.
The story we are told as Francesa points: By ourselves, we are not capable of experiencing happiness or love. The most delightful things life has to offer are to be found within the realm of romantic relationships. It’s can be toxic narrative of relationships that need to change.
We often struggle to see romantic relationships as something that adds to our personal growth rather than something around which our lives are centered.
And important side note to add: I refuse to let anyone come in and all of sudden everything revolves around them..no no no…
We tend (unconsciously, for the most part) to see romantic love as the ultimate savior that will overwhelm us with such pure passion and devotion, it will brush away all of our problems.
Sure, it’s something to aspire to, if it’s something you want. People want to love and to be loved. But life and relationships isn’t like the Disney romance movies. No guy is gonna put no damn glass slipper on me. They are gonna want something for it, I learned that most guys don’t do something for nothing.
What we need to realize instead: Real love does not only exist within the realm of romantic relationships. It also comes from accepting and valuing oneself without relying solely on someone else’s validation or attachment.
Love is not something to be found. We already have it within us. Tons of it. And once we accept that (which, if you ask me, takes a lot of time and dedication), we start seeing that we do not need to be saved or completed by anyone. We might just need to dig a little deeper and spend some more alone time to realize, we are our own saviors.
I can’t begin to tell you the number of times I asked ladies “what’s their story” and they go into everything their husbands did or doing.
I don’t want to know what their husbands are doing. If I did, I would ask them.
MA’AM, I want to hear about YOU.
But. They don’t have anything to say for themselves because they were the sacrificial lamb for him their whole lives.
I was watching the Kelly Clarkson show, and it was either Toni Washington or Ninetta Viotte saying that her granddaughter was telling her dentist that her grandmother was a Captain. The dentist didn’t believe the kid and kept giving her a hard time about it.
They assume that ladies can’t be captain, pilot, CEOS or heads of companies. And when we do achieve it, they have a hard time absorbing it and giving us the respect that’s been way overdue. Some people don’t like to take orders from women. It’s sad. I think Katie Sowers would make a great head coach. But there’s still some people who would have issues with taking orders from a lady.
Interesting enough, this world still tries to keep women in their place. Society is unkind to strong women, and try to put barriers and this mentality on them: you can’t do or be anything unless there’s a man around.
Our place is whatever we want to be. (And yes if it makes a lady happy being in the shadow of her husband and adopting every hobby of his, that’s her choice. Definitely not my style, but to each their own.)
#18 That you’re automatically a democrat because you’re black.
I’ve voted both democratic and republican. I have friends in both parties. Indiana is a strong republican state. New York is more democratic (I think) and California is democratic (let me check this). I have a fair share of interesting conversations.
I hang out at Republican based clubs (i.e The Columbia Club). I’ve worked on Democratic campaigns. I was a page for the Senate and the House.
To assume that you’re gonna turn out one way or be one way or join a club or affiliation because of sex, race, etc is so damn stupid!
(It’s just as bad as saying that it’s weird that people other than white people like country music! For people to still think this way is pathetic).
They do naturally try to sway me into the democratic rim quite a bit. They did when I was younger too.
Didn’t bite the bait and decided to think for myself and look at individual issues. Just like the states, I can switch red or blue at anytime. Or purple.
When you realize that the government is NOT YOUR FRIEND, and it only benefits the rich, it doesn’t matter who’s in the white house, and who holds majority. I don’t care which party is in power or who is president because at the end of the day, depending on others too much is what f**** me over in the first place. They only want your votes and donation money, and you won’t hear from them again until the next election. Nothing personal.
I don’t think I would be good for the military because I’m an independent sort. I read stories on what they subconsciously do to independent thinkers. I’m rebellious and definitely a rule breaker. Not saying I couldn’t be a team player in a given situation, but I’m definitely the type to break off on my own.
On the other hand, I wouldn’t cut it as a politician either. I don’t think the way others think, trust me. And I have a tendency to avoid where the majority goes. They always bash people with money. Is depending on other people the better option? No. Here’s my horror stories of trusting other people.
If you don’t want to leave this article, re-read #1, #3, #4, #8 especially.
#19 That they treat single parent families and two parent families the same.
Some people say they treat others the way they want to be treated, but they don’t practice what they preach.
Families come in all shapes, sizes, colors and numbers. One size doesn’t fit all.
Some kids have parents from different backgrounds. Others have two daddies or two mothers. Some have their grandparents raising them. Others may have an aunt, uncle, older sister or older brother. There’s no set definition of family.
Everyone deserves dignity and respect.
It’s not your job to judge a family situation.
I saw a recent review of my old school. My mom knows their family really well.
The girl was an alumni of the grade school in question and she made an comment about how everyone was treated like family (or something along those lines).
If you read this, I tell horror stories of what happen to me. I took a vow to never go back. Like a monk, I haven’t broke my code of silence. (The priest did nothing and let the money folks at the time get away with anything they wanted.)
If that ain’t the kettle calling the skillet black. I don’t give out dislikes much but this is the one video I disliked.
Well wait a minute, I thought. She came from a two parent family and they met all their expectations.
If you are not their idea of perfect,or meet their idea of a two-parent family situation unfortunately your experience may be different. In my time (and maybe to a certain extent today) they dread single parents and love two parent families (meaning one mom and one dad, my old catholic school prefers white two family parents, but will take anyone that makes their school look good). Some people became a single parent family because their spouse either died or got killed or got divorced.
I don’t know how they were treated after they became single parents (rather if that was by divorce or by tragedy) but at the bare minimum they were doing what the school wanted them to do for a certain period of time.
#20 That being alone is the worst thing that can ever happen to you.
AND FOR ALL MY LIFE, I DISAGREED!
They push marriage and relationships without including the work it entails. Since America is an extroverted society, they think that being alone or wanting to be alone is weird. I talk about that more here.
They should have classes on how to be alone, they same way they push being social.
I can be VERY social when I want to be. When I want some space, I go away.
#21 You gotta share.
In some instances, I disagreed.
There was this group of girls that thought I was supposed to share my connections, insights, and more because we went to the same grade school.
If they were descent and non-jealous people I would have thought about it.
Years later, I get tips that they are still trying to keep up with what I’m doing.
At some point, you gotta take responsibility for your own life and make your own way. And spend less time keeping up with others and think for yourself.
They were/are jealous of me, yet they thought I was supposed to let them in my life because we had something in common (i.e we are black so we should look out for each other.)
My mom and others told me that we are cut from a different cloth; a lot of my immediate family has traveled all around the world and had a lot of life experiences.
They were ghetto and I was/am not.
I was exposed to things and life experiences that they weren’t exposed to yet, so at the time (and to this day) I’m years ahead of my time, as I’m told many times.
My grandmother taught my mother that people get jealous, so it’s better to stay away from most people and don’t overly flash. A lot of her teachings were passed to me. I used this to my advantage in my years of school.
And because they see you as different, they give you a hard time because they wish they were more like you.
A friend pointed out something to me; as ignorant as this sounds, they may not have seen you as black.
Even with that being said, no matter what background or how different someone is from you, that’s no excuse to treat them mean. Always treat people the way you want to be treated.
At some point, you gotta take responsibility for your own life and make your own way. And spend less time keeping up with others and think for yourself.
This also includes keeping the jealousy at bay, focusing on your gifts and talents, and understanding that you’re not entitled to something someone else has. You’re NOT ENTITLED TO WHAT THAT PERSON HAS BECAUSE YOU GREW UP IN THE SAME NEIGHBORHOOD, HAVE THE SAME RACE OR WHATEVER.
Simply put, I didn’t share because they were assholes.
They were crabs in a barrel waiting to stab me in the back any chance that they got. Waiting to me pull down.
The lengths some went to be popular was absolutely ridiculous. In fact a backstabber went to my teacher to try to get us to be friends, because she wanted to be my friend that badly. I tell that story here.
I gave them enough rope to hang themselves with. They wasn’t entitled to anything. A successful person don’t have to reach back and share anything with you, it’s an individual’s own decision. It’s up to them to make their own lives for themselves, I’m not their social chair person. I stay away from them all.
And no I would never trust the backstabber and told the teacher that the only reason why she wanted to get close to me so she could sabotage me.
I stay away from them.
One time I did get the pleasure of saying despite what you all did, I’m still a success. And you should stop focusing on me so much and tend to your own lives. I definitely don’t wonder what you’re up to because I don’t care.
These are the sort that love to hear bad news about you, so you always have to have your list of positive life events to talk about if in the unfortunate situation that you run into them at random.
Speaking of that, can you be happy for someone else’s success without adding your story? Can you let someone else have their moment and not be the center of attention? If you can’t, that’s something to be worked on.
Speaking of that.
#22. You gotta be center of attention all the time. If you not hot at the moment you fell off.
Can you be happy for someone else’s success without adding your story? Can you let someone else have their moment and not be the center of attention? If you can’t, that’s something to be worked on.
No you don’t have to be center of attention all the time despite contrary belief.
There will be high moments, low moments and stagnant moments. It makes life interesting.
#23 You gotta share and let people borrow things from you.
I borrowed a guitar from a former bandmate. It plays great.
I told him that I travel for auditions and I won’t be in Indiana that much after he fixed my guitar (it doesn’t play the same and I gotta get another one, anyways) I mentioned it may be a second before I can get it back to him, are you cool with that. He let me borrow it still. (There’s a number of reasons why I left, but the tax credit thing is killing opportunities for acting gigs to come home in Indiana. My auditions skyrocketed being in LA, NYC and overseas).
Yes I will get the guitar back when I have the nerve to set foot in that energy drainer and physically drive it back. People lose items in the airport. (I’m more of a food thief anyways haha. Do not leave any cookies around me, I will eat them.)
When I film, I don’t get texts or calls because of wifi reception. So the horror of getting many texts, especially whiny and pesty texts just turns me off. I put my phone on airplane mode.
I’m getting to the point where I write these Medium articles months in advance, along with Tumblr posts, YouTube posts, and so on to stay current and consistent.
Moral of the story.
If you don’t trust me, don’t loan your shit to me, especially when I told you I wouldn’t be around for a while and it may be a second before I get it back to you. I take care of things better than people, especially animals and music related items. I don’t trust easily, so when someone gives me their trust or item, I treat it with the upmost respect.
Do not loan people money that you can’t afford to lose. If you can’t trust the person, don’t loan them valuable treasures. My rule is not loaning things out to people period unless I don’t want to see it anymore. Borrowing is the new “you may or you may not get this back."
#24 You got to get on sticks and needles to make everyone happy.
I’ve burned many bridges and will continue to do so.
#25 You gotta keep up with your contemporaries
Let me paint pictures of my contemporaries. Not all of them are like this, but it’s dangerously accurate.
I have a distant group of that have been tight since they were in middle school (found out later after I joined the org that they knew each other for a long time, and why it was nearly impossible for anyone else to join their tight knit group. This is why I was never invited to anything and I don’t get invites to this day.)
They’ve been doing everything together, from attending each other’s weddings to going to concerts together.
Some of these friend groups still visit campus regularly together or go to get lunch, like a clique from high school.
All together and within months of each other they attend each other’s weddings. When one got engaged, another one followed. Sometimes 3 in a week. My Facebook feed would blow up, (and still blows up, some of them removed me from Facebook).
They all got married in close proximity with each other, each with their significant other, from the same circle of friends. Every once in a while someone married someone outside the core group. It was a rare occurrence.
Only a few of them moved to other cities, broke away or got to know or date other people that were not somehow connected to core group.
In their defense, it’s better to stick to what you know then getting into the unknown right?
Here’s what it boils down to. (as Maria points out)
They didn’t once stopped to think outside of their box.
For the most part, since they all knew each other from early childhood, there was no need to change, improve, do better.
They followed the trend. They didn’t question their actions much. They went with the flow. Somebody would start, and then everybody else in the group was doing their best to catch up.
Is that what you want?
I look back now, and I realize that I never really had a core long term group. In different periods of my life, they were all temporary because I was just passing through. We think differently, and have different life journeys.
Many people in my life didn’t aspire to do much, be much because they don’t want much or require much. And that’s fine because to each their own.
When you aren’t exposed to much you don’t miss it.
I don’t lag behind my contemporaries, because I never cared about keeping up with them. I’m in my own lane doing things on my own time line.
In order to be successful, you gotta think outside the box. Think of some successful people you know. Do you think being like every one else would have done them some good? Of course not.
I mentioned this in other articles.
Yes it would be nice to have people in your corner and support. (If you got non-jealous genuine people in your life, great!)
All my life, people tried to f*** me over.
This is not meant to come off in a cocky way, just by observation.
When you are coming up in the world, there’s people that will try to stop you. If you have special gifts that people wish they had in themselves, they start becoming jealous of you.
I’ve written plenty of posts, but the lengths people went to try to get next to me was ridiculous.
I wondered why the hell do they spend so much time trying to keep up with me? They should have spent more time bettering themselves.
Why are you so impressed with me? You should admire yourself the most, and look in the mirror to make yourself a better person. (Nothing wrong with admiring others, just don’t forget about adding yourself in there, more on that below).
The worst thing you can do is suppress your talents to try to fit in. DO NOT LET PEOPLE DO THIS TO YOU. Be great anyways.
Despite professors lowering my grades, or people backstabbing me, or people not supporting me at different periods of my life, I still thrived and been successful despite.
If you are something, you don’t have to feel intimidated by others' success. Greatness recognizes greatness. Go getters can be happy for other go getters. You appreciate you, your gifts so much that you don’t need to be intimidated by others.
If you are something, you don’t do the methods (rumor spreading, etc) that small people feel like they have to do to get ahead.
#27 The People Who You Admire Are Good People
This is why I’m careful about who I admire. I no longer throw the word around easily.
A girl who I went to school with named Sara accused me of stalking her.
I talked about it here, but here’s the background story. We went to high school and college together. We were never “close” close, but we knew each other well enough. We did retreats together. In these retreats, you give other people letters. In this world of technology, I like writing letters still.
In college, I watched a lot of friend pass away from suicide. And if you re-read my first paragraph, my college experiences was traumatic enough, on top of seeing friends dead. Grief affects people differently; I tried flocked to positive people and get my mind off things. I did take a tequila shot or two, too.
You don’t truly heal, but you learn how to deal.
Because my school basically made fun of me and took away my scholarship, I was very careful (and still am) careful about who I reveal my true feelings to. Some people unfortunately love to see you do worse than them and are happy to hear you have troubles. I rather talk to a wall than most people.
Here’s this lady over here who got the best college career: she’s homecoming queen, she in a sorority I wanted to get into; she’s well liked and wanted. I wasn’t something they wanted (harsh but true!) It took me years to get my .0005 of what any of my college contemporaries had or make my own way, if that makes any sense.
To have a quarter of that “love" I felt like dealing with my friends’ death would have been easier. Dealing with what I wrote in #1 would have been easier.
I never was the jealous type, but I wanted to hang around just to get a glimpse into that life. If you read enough of my articles my college life wasn’t great in a lot of aspects.
Because we ran into each other at the same bars, she called it stalking her. (I ran into other friends and we just hung out. None of them had their heads up their asses and said they were stalking each other. I ran into friends all the time at bars and we just hung out.) I made a song and of course she didn’t like it. Basically she thought she was too good to hang around me, she was up there and I was down there. You know “different side of the tracks."
I remember running into her at old Where Else and she stuck out her tongue at me, like the mean girl stuff in the mean girl movies.
I remember walking home from bars and they were walking ahead of me. I heard them say “Silky go home” and slammed their house door shut.
(I will admit I had many drunken nights where I don’t recall much, but I do remember how mean they were. If they didn’t want to be bothered, why didn’t they just say so..)
Their friend wanted to call the police on me because I said hi while walking home from bars (regular normal college thing). Alec took the phone away and said don’t. I just walked away because at that point I knew they thought they were better.
Their house was on the way to my apartment-dorm, so I tried to walk past to try to visualize what it would have been like to be apart of something bigger than myself.
If you want to know what a real stalker is, watch 48 hours and watch the Life and Death of Amie Hardwick. I would never enter someone’s home, threaten your life, choke you. It’s shameful to be compared to that.
I was able to film inside their sorority house after they left. I was really excited to spend time in there.
That got blown out of proportion. A former president aka Alecs who is also Team Sara was like you should take the video down. I said nope, posting what I want on Facebook. The director and people I filmed with said ignore her because she’s trying to be a bully. The movie is not portraying her beloved sorority house in a certain way, because it’s fictional. It’s a favorite project of some of the Casting Directors I’ve shown it to.
To this day, I’m careful about who I admire.
I’m so slow to say I admire you. I like many, admire won’t happen for a while.
This is why I handle things on my own.
It was obvious after reaching out for help countless times at the college level that they didn’t mind me slipping through the cracks. My mom claims I had people in my corner but I don’t believe that to this day. They didn’t care about me and I was just a number. I didn’t have the dollar signs they were looking for.
With everything I just said above: At some point, you gotta take responsibility for your own life and make your own way. And spend less time keeping up with others and think for yourself.
I did the best I could in the situation that I was given. I handled the shit the best way I could.
I didn’t take it out on anyone, a little hesitant to reach out at the time (and still am).
It took me some time, years longer than my peers to find my way but I did.
Moving on now, but one more point. I think that’s why it’s a shocker amongst old friends groups to see how I am living life today.
I basically made lemons out of lemonade, and many of them are wondering how I did it.
#28 That homeless people are just druggies, bums, and lazy.
There’s this organization called Walls of Love that puts this theory to shame.
Many people are living paycheck to paycheck. If they lost their jobs today, it would be catastrophic. They wouldn’t be able to sustain their way of living and that’s scary. Some people are one health issue or job loss away from being homeless. They are definitely hardworking people trying to earn a honest living.
Homeless does not discriminate, like a cancer, or bad weather homeless could hit someone unexpectedly.
As a child, they pushed the stereotype of the homeless: smelly, people who are holding a sign and shaking a cup. Sure. Some of the homeless do fit the this bill.
But many more attend school. Some rent out hotel rooms. Others may have lost their home in a tornado or hurricane.
It’s nice that an organization does help without putting you through all kinds of changes.
Some people need help, but don’t want to go through the embarrassment, labeling or criticism to get it.
Organizations like this allows you to take what you need without asking.
#29 That life is easier as an adult.
There’s a reason why I’ve become more of a loner despite me being a social butterfly when I go out.
Let me explain: My trust of people is low and being the only child I don’t mind it.
I wouldn’t say life is easier (as an adult), but you do get stronger.
- Working out with Insanity/P90x/Crossfit is hard. I do it anyways.
- Dealing with people turning their back on you is hard. Dealing with your own schools (in my case grade school and college) turning their back on you is hard.
- Dealing with a number of friends and family passing away is hard, especially when it happens back to back. You don’t fully heal, you learn how to deal. Dealing with this before doesn’t make it easier, let me make that clear. Personally it’s made me appreciate people more while they are here.
- Life isn’t easier, you just get stronger.
Since it’s 2020, a new decade 🔥🙌 I’ve decided to slightly change how I sign off. (See a 2019 or older article for my old sign-off).
If you like what you’ve read, please recommend it so others can read it as well. Please tell me what you want me to write about here!
For example, I’ve become a children’s book author, created a new brand, and started up more businesses. This hasn’t been announced anywhere and only people who reads my blog knows this “updated info”. It may be A WHILE before I update it on LinkedIn and elsewhere, but I reinvent myself all the time.