I responded to a recent group post on Facebook about normalizing not wanting to be in a relationship. That post nearly has 1000 likes. We have a major circle of trust, so I’m not going to post any screenshots (it stays in the group.) I’m like get it girl. Here’s my 2 cents. WTF they keep putting this in my face for idk. I’m retired from this topic, remember lol. Where the damn food topics at, that’s my speed (and lane for that matter. My Instagram is loaded with food and Instagram photos.)
Girl you’re a saint for posting this. Thank you love. Being the only child growing up and loving my space and solitude, I don’t think the guys I half way like really understands that I want to have a life outside the relationship, and I want him to have a life. In other words, don’t text me hey 8 times in an hour and suffocate the crap out of me (I had this happen to me and I’m like wtf). A S/O can’t and shouldn’t be everything to you anyways. They shouldn’t be or fill every part of your life. The pressure to be in a relationship and well meaning friends trying to hook you up because they think it would be cute to be in one is UNREAL, without telling you the work that goes into it. The sad truth is just because they are happy in their relationships doesn’t mean I’ll be happy in the same way. I told them if you want to see me happy, give me another business or opportunity for me to build another income stream for myself, instead of depending on some guy that could walk at anytime. (My career/businesses has never woke up and told me they don’t love me anymore. It’s annoying as hell to come home from a out of state/country filming project or something business related and some family friend or someone trying to hook you up with their son or nephew or what not. ) Happiness comes from within, and I’m not willing to settle (and no one is perfect but I have standards). Plus I film projects all the time, create businesses and such. And with my schedule it’s better if I’m solo. If they are not sweeter than my solitude than I’m not being bothered. The most important relationship is the one with myself. My only guaranteed relationship is the one with myself. My self esteem or self worth is not attached to a relationship, the need to be in one, and if it works out or not. Mostly all of my friends & a good portion of my family are in serious relationships, married, and expecting. I’m the single holdout. I’m just supportive and living it vicariously through them. I’ve also made peace and am very content with the idea of being by myself. At this point I’m using Bumble to get new single friends but that’s it. I love my freedom and I’m living my life. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. When I look at pictures on social media, I can be genuinely happy for my friends and family without wishing that I was in a relationship myself. It’s not lonely to be single when you enjoy your own company. People claim that being by yourself is the worst, and it’s not. Being in an abusive relationship, situation where you are fearing for your life, and operating from a place of low-self esteem and self worth is the worst.
Being happy alone is a different kind of happy.
P.S. I don’t want to get a husband/S.O. like Patrick Dempsey’s character in Freedom Writers. If I find more purposes, you get upset about that and start acting like a butt because I spent time following through on it and cultivating it? No matter how attractive or “hot" a man is to me, if he doesn’t add peace to my life it’s not worth it. I don’t even bother responding to booty call messages, dick pictures and hey messages, gtfoh. I’m so over it. I have never desired or been desperate for that kind of attention. I do not stay up night wishing I was in a relationship or thinking that prince charming is going to come save me. I’ve always gotten the impression that my strong exterior means that people don’t check on me and care the way they care for their other peers and friends. Because I don’t act needy, whine, complain, or reveal how bad it can be, a lot of people think I don’t need them. It’s always nice to feel cared for and supported no matter how much you appear to have it together and how strong others think you are; and many times I had to be this for myself. Many of the relationship goals people are toxic and negative behind the social media doors. Don’t be fooled, because I’m definitely not fooled by the façade. P.S. 2 I went ahead and secretly joined a sperm donor group just in case future me changes my mind. Even with me saying I DON’T WANT KIDS AT THIS TIME IF EVER. I’m here for research and drinking buddies. I still had tons of guys reach out saying hey and I’m like wtfand smdfh. I’m basically saying I don’t want to be bothered in the nicest way possible (unless a group of us friends go out for drinks), can y’all mfs read, lmfao? I’m not paying attention to no biological time clocks (contrary to popular belief), I don’t want kids for a child support payment (I’ll make money in other ways) or to fill some void OR to do what society wants me to do. I had too many life experiences honestly proving that I can’t really trust no one outside myself. When you faced harsh consequences and got your soul scorched for trusting, you learn to thread lightly and trust a lot less (this is not the time or place to share my stories, shit ladies this reply is already long enough). When I listened to others instead of listening to myself, This is one of the few times I lost my confidence, and I’m not gonna let anyone in so easily like that ever again. Even my closest girlfriends have their own lives to attend to, and don’t always have the time to deal with my issues that arises. Whatever is happening I deal with it on my own. My care is left to my own devices…. Let me give you a classic example: During the weekend of June 6th, an acting castmate passed away and her services was that weekend. My mom hurt her leg & took her to the hospital the next day. Several cousins on different sides of the family got married (congrats loves). A few other things happened that week that I’m uncomfortable discussing publically. My friends were busy. Instead of bothering them on their special day, instead of bothering and burdening people, I just dealt with it. Like I said I’ve been so used to biting the bullet for so long it’s second nature.
I don’t let my guard down so easy because I also don’t have enough life experiences telling me that I’ll be safe if I do. I more in likely won’t change my mind about kids, but you never know. I can do bad, be bad, be a failure and be a f*** up by myself. My ideal situation would be spending the rest of my days in nature or a island caring for animals, and when that dreaded relationship question pops up, my cell phone mysteriously loses reception (i.e. airplane mode is a god send.🤣). The deeper I get into the woods, the worst my reception gets anyways 🤣 And have a secret number that only my mom friends with kids can reach me if they need self care. I’m not gonna make this comment any longer, no one wants to read all this shit. 🤣
I told her she was an absolute saint for posting this subject. And although I’m distancing myself from the church at this time, I’ll look into starting the process of her specifically being a saint. I’m serious about this. She laughed but I’m like nah for real homie. Googled it too.
Speaking of which.
You may be at a phase in your life where you’re not happy with the amount you’re making, or the job you’re working, or where you’re living, but my best advice comes down to these 7 little nuggets. (Direct Hakeem quote)
Hakeem is a entrepreneur that I discovered this weekend. I’m serious when I say I’m always on the hunt for new businesses for multiple income stream purposes.
7 little nuggets by Hakeem X White That I ADORE.
1. The fastest way to make it in today’s age is to learn marketing and sales skills. Those skills changed my life. I wish I would’ve learned them earlier.
2. The easiest hack to success is to find people who have already accomplished what you’re looking to do and learn from them. It’s just like someone wanting you as a trainer. You already figured out the process that would get people results. Do the same for your business. Get a mentor
3. This may be harsh but stop taking business advice from your significant other, family, and friends if they haven’t achieved success in the same field you’re wanting to. They’re unqualified. Only take advice from those who have experience in what you’re wanting to do. They’re qualified. You wouldn’t get medical help from a doctor without a degree would you?
4. Invest in yourself now to enjoy the riches later. You don’t need the house, vacation, marriage, all that right now. Only society makes you think you do. Truly what’s the rush? The best return on your money will be in yourself to learn the skills needed to make money forever. Then you can take a vacation every week if you wanted haha
5. Protect your energy. If anyone around you is negative, toxic, or adding extra stress to your life you need to remove them. Their bad energy will reduce your ability to succeed. Positive energy creates success. I left my negative relationship the same year I hit my first 6 figs. Coincidence? Nah
6. You can always get back money but you can never get back time. I wasted years in the beginning trying to save money doing things on my own. I then invested thousands into different mentors to speed me up to where I am today. In the beginning I didn’t have the money so I figured out how to get it. I took out loans and maxed out my credit cards. Also just because 1 doesn’t work out doesn’t mean you give up. You don’t give up after 1 failed relationship do you? Keep that same energy for your biz
7. My last and biggest tip is you must “be” to become. You can’t become a 6 figure+ earner making 4 figure decisions and actions. First be the thing you want and your vibrations will attract it into your life. We attract what we are not what we want.
Bonus 2: Apparently as “cold” as I am, I have a love pattern. Here it is and all my little secrets (THESE PEOPLE KNOW TOO MUCH. Haha:):
The 5 Love Patterns
There are 5 Love Patterns and there tends to be one primary Love Pattern that determines who you even pick to be in a relationship with, and how you behave in that relationship, both in ways that help you…and in ways that don’t help you.
By understanding your Love Pattern and how it operates in your life, you can learn how to work within the pattern and move closer to consciously attracting the right man for you, without the negatives of your Love Pattern disrupting your journey, and holding you back.
Which Love Pattern Are You?
Your Love Pattern Revealed…
THE PROTECTIVE PATTERN
What does it mean?
“Why make a fuss?” “Let’s just make believe it didn’t happen and move on.” If the Protective Pattern is your pattern, you’ve said statements like that a lot, and more. Your habitual way of dealing with men is to avoid conflict, avoid possible pain, and avoid calling any attention to your wants, needs, and desires.
How the Protective Pattern disrupts your life?
You may consider yourself shy, having special circumstances that make it harder for you to find love, and to be loved. You may even worry that at this point, you’re permanently “broken” or “damaged” because of what happened to you in the past. Unfortunately, by trying to avoid pain, you’ve brought on yourself the biggest pain of all. Still single after all these years. Fear is ruling your love life, maybe even your whole life.
Yes, you’ve been really hurt and may even be afraid of getting out there again. You’ve been burned in love before, so you won’t let anyone get close to you for fear of getting hurt again.
You might even feel that you’d almost rather be alone than risk rejection — as much as you really want to find love. You secretly crave a deeply satisfying relationship with your Mr. Right, yet…you fear it, believing that love equals pain. It doesn’t. Due to that fear, though, you may find yourself being hyper-critical of men, which is really just a protective mechanism. As is avoiding the whole dating experience altogether.
Getting hurt again.
The Protective Pattern CAN protect you from getting hurt again. It is certainly wise to not let someone walk all over you. We applaud you for that. That protective cloak that you put over your heart, that may feel familiar and cozy, is also keeping your soulmate away. He can’t get in. He can’t see you, feel you, even find you. If you’re ready to move forward in your love life, then it’s time to move past your comfort zone and practice COURAGE… and courage isn’t really courage at all without some fear and doubt attached to it.
So what are you really afraid of?
Many women stuck in this pattern are fearful of being seen and being vulnerable. They’ve been hurt before and see vulnerability as weak- ness. There is inherent risk in releasing that protective pattern, isn’t there? The thing is…Love is filled with uncertainties and risks. The person you love may or may not love you back. They may be in your life for a long time or they may not. They may be loyal and faithful or they may leave you at the curb. When you open your heart to someone special, you might be appreciated, laughed at or downright skewered. Scary stuff. Yes…Vulnerability is hard. It’s challenging. But what can make it even more difficult are the assumptions we have about it.
Is being vulnerable really a sign of weakness? Or could it be something else?
The interesting thing about vulnerability is that we love it when others are being authentic with us, right? But when it comes time for us to be open and honest about our feelings, we sort of freak out. Suddenly, our vulnerability becomes a sign of weakness. But taking that risk and being vulnerable ultimately connects us with others. It opens us up to a whole new world of connection with our potential soulmate. What we want you to be aware of now is that as you skillfully, yet unconsciously for the most part, keep yourself protected from pain or hurt, you also keep yourself protected from love, too.
Your often stoic nature allows you to smooth out rough waters and allow cooler heads to prevail. You don’t get hurt very often anymore, and you feel quite safe from drama and pain. (DAMN STRAIGHT)
And as you realize more and more that facing down your fears and going for what you REALLY want doesn’t mean being taken advantage of, you can allow your inner light to shine, and quality men will be drawn to you.
You want to remain open to love but protect yourself emotionally: not a bad idea, right? Honor your sensitive self. Appreciate your steady-headed nature. You are loyal and kind, and once you give your love to someone, he is the luckiest guy in the world, because you are “all in”! (HEY QUIT REVEALING HOW ALL IN AND GIVING I CAN BE, NOT COOL 😳)
Your Unique Challenge is that you’ve let unresolved pain from the past affect your ability to get into a new, healthy, deeply loving relationship. You may be considered “picky” by your friends, but underneath that is your unconscious fear. That fear has had you avoiding taking your love life more seriously and instead has kept you focused on your career and familial obligations. Love does not equal pain, and when you shift out of this Pattern, you’ll experience life more fully, and give yourself a shot at experiencing true love.
The risk of getting hurt again is something you feel in your heart very deeply. You’ve set up your life now where it is hard to let someone in. But your happiness depends on doing just that.
There’s no sugar-coating it. You’re stuck in a catch-22: you can open up and possibly get hurt, but if you don’t open up, you’ll never find your Mr. Right.
This challenge is not insurmountable, though, so take heart. Together we can enhance your Unique Gifts, and soften out these Unique Challenges…so you can find a love that’s solid, real, safe and good for you. Nourishing to your soul in places and to depths that you haven’t touched in quite some time. (Appreciate it, but I’ll touch myself ).
Okay, but how do I fix it?
The 3-Step Love Pattern Upgrade Method
Many Love Patterns are coping mechanisms we learned from an early age, then practiced in our adult relationships over and over again. So many times that it feels natural, like the ONLY way to “do love”. The truth is healthy, passionate, safe love cuts across all patterns, breaks through every old ideas of “type” and centers around you. You being healthy. You being in love with yourself and your life.
You committing to being a Student of Love, so that you can finally be truly ready for love. Healthy love. Real love. You being ready to make this area of your life — your love life, as important as anything else in your life. Not because that’s what HE wants, but because that’s what YOU want.
True Love IS what you want, isn’t it?
Only, the challenges of your Love Pattern have disrupted your ability to see what’s good for you, what’s right for you, and what’s available for you.
Our Love Pattern can often sabotage or block us from finding our soulmate and it can also be what keeps us making the same mistakes and choosing the wrong man time and time again.
The good news? It is possible to SHIFT our Love Pattern, express the gifts of it and balance out the challenges, so that instead of moving us further from our soulmate, we can actually magnetize our soulmate toward us.
By acknowledging and understanding our Love Pattern we move closer to loving and accepting ourselves. And when we do this “inner work” of loving ourselves and reclaiming our personal power, we create a Love Pattern that moves us toward our true soulmate in our “outer world” as well.
Use the following 3-Step Love Pattern UPGRADE Method to remove blocks and create a path towards True Love:
STEP 1: Your Love Journal
Get yourself a notebook and think of it as your Love Journal. Start exploring your thoughts and feelings by writing them in your Love Journal. This is about giving yourself the time just “for you” that you deserve (and may not have given yourself lately).
Begin your Love Journal today by following this process:
- Journal about how adopting the Protective Pattern has shown up in your life and how it affects you in relationships.
- Now journal about what it has cost you in the past (emotionally, spiritually, physically, time-wise, and even financially), and what it’s costing you now. How has being stuck in this Protective Pattern kept you from attracting your TRUE love?
- Now look at why it’s important for you to shift out of this pattern. If you break out of this pattern today, what will that give you?
STEP 2: Your Love Visualization/Meditation
Visualization is a powerful force when shifting your Love Pattern and magnetizing your soul mate towards you.
Here is a simple visualization you can do at any time of day to start shifting the patterns that have been holding you back in your relationships.
Before you go to sleep at night. The ideal time to do this visualization is when you first wake up in the morning and just
Begin your Love Journal today by following this process:
- Take a deep breath and start to visualize what being in a healthy balanced relationship would look like for you.
- Visualize a relationship where he reveals his true self to you from the start, and you do the same. You don’t have to force anything or ignore anything, you both walk in with your eyes and hearts wide open… and you like it that way
- How will you FEEL in this relationship? Focus and meditate on those feelings as you fully embrace your visualization.
- Feel what it feels like to be totally committed to love, and to have that commitment re reflected back to you. Remembering that you can only attract the level of commitment that you already are expressing in your life, not just what you say you want or think you should get. Again, feel that feeling of being totally committed to love. (For the 100th time, if anyone has any questions about my relationship status, please refer to the quote above about normalizing not being in relationships. Thanks and take care.)