9 Things To Know About Being A Black Woman In This World.
#1. When Black Excellence Isn’t Enough.
As a black person that’s constantly in white spaces. There’s times when in dominantly white places, they did things to make sure I wasn’t welcomed, or what was someone like you doing in a place like this. I could subconsciously feel under the surface the white peeps there were treating me different. Sometimes I think they didn’t mean to do it, it’s just there world, and I’m living in it.
Insider Tip: I have to make myself feel welcomed even though I live in a world that isn’t always nice or inclusive. I have been so used to being the “only one” it’s second nature. Sometimes, you have to be the brave pioneer so others can live in their truth.
Theory: As a light-skin black “whiter” “yellow” person, you will be able to penetrate and fit in to these spaces better because of your European hues.
Truth From My Experiences: No amount of light skin or assimilation will protect me from the racism in United States. To a white person, I’m still a black person. We are all black at the end of the day, no matter the shade, and as I speak up, I’m fighting for all of our visibility. We should somehow stop with the team light skin vs. team dark skin because white supremacy does an amazing job of keeping us fighting amongst each other. We got to come up with a way to stop being our own worst enemy.
When I walk down the street, they will see me without knowing anything about me, and whether consciously or unconsciously, in their mind, they will categorize me: “Black.” (Not 55% white like the black people in my class suggested, not mixed mutt, or redbone, or honorary white girl…Yeah I got called all kinds of names.).
I’m aware that some light-skin folks can treat dark skin people mean. I’m also aware that being in the entertainment industry, they do have a tendency to favor lighter skinned characters (we have a lot of work to do to destroy the European standards of beauty right?). If we can all make an effort to make workplaces, films, etc. I personally like to see a world, films reflect the world that I live in. That starts with everyone being represented.
I also do not want to be on the receiving end of anyone’s insecurities. Because I have to be honest, it was hurtful as hell when my own kind (black girls in my classes) growing up literally tried to rip the shit out of me, bully me and antagonize me. And start light skin-dark skin wars in class (damn why are some middle school kids so mean and vicious?) And make everyday of middle school a living hell. To this day, there’s times when I don’t really trust anyone, and I have to do what’s best for me or the situations I’m given. White teachers were doing their racist things, (because I didn’t live up to how a black person was supposed to act in their minds) and I was also dealing with the black girl vicious dynamics too. In my opinion, it was an emotionally abusive, toxic and unsupportive environment from many sides. This is truly one of the earliest experiences where I did not feel safe, and I had to adopt hardness, and suppress my emotions to cope with what was going on around me. I had a lot of friend-enemies, and these people were not trustworthy, letting them see that they effected you, shed a tear or letting them see you sweat was bad. They got a thrill of seeing you suffer. Many times I couldn’t trust and get close to anyone, and felt like no one had my back for years (and sometimes it still feels this way, hey I know the animals got my back at least). I didn’t act black the way they acted black. I got accused of speaking “white” when I spoke proper English (by the way there’s no such thing as speaking a race). I liked Dragon Ball Z while the other girls in my class chased boys. (I still love Dragon Ball Z, and Super.) I go to Gen Con and Comic Con.
The tough exterior and hardened shell isn’t going to go away. I soften it for trustworthy people though.
Also, I have friends and family members of many different races, backgrounds, and walks of life. We either click or we don’t. I’ve had black, white and everyone one else under the sun treat me like shit, and I’ve also have some deep loving relationships too. For me, I find I have to find people on my same wavelength. There’s many times where I don’t fit in and still don’t because we clashed because we’re on different paths, and wanted different things.
When I hit my 30’s, I made it a point to still pick my battles, but speak up way more. It’s been a battle in some cases, but my regret is not speaking up sooner.
Ok, so I’m quoting this article a lot at this point.
#2. Choosing a life of activism and social justice may cost you.
Black women have become the face of Black activism. When you think of Black Lives Matter, more than likely an image of a Black woman holding up a sign comes to mind. However, few people are willing to talk about the mental side effects of dedicating your life to fighting social injustice.-
For one, the amount of time spent focusing on all the wrongs in the world is simply not healthy for any individual, and while it’s a great idea to pay attention to the way the world mistreats you as a Black woman, it will eventually weigh on you. Instead of allowing yourself to get caught up in the movement of Black Lives Matter and the injustices committed against Black women on a regular basis, focus on acting in concrete ways that will truly impact the community.
For example, supporting Black female business owners and companies that uplift and promote the Black female image. Support images in the media that present Black women as valuable, and worthy of protection and respectful treatment. Buy from Black-woman owned companies, stream the music of dark-skinned Black women in the entertainment industry. Make sure that you are consistently supporting your own.-
Oh it’s cost me a lot of money fighting battles. If you can, try to have a legal fund of 10,000 or more. If you have a big mouth, triple it.
But I do try to support as many black owned businesses as I can, especially anymously. If I love your product, I’m sticking with you.
This section will be longer, go ahead and scroll down to #3.
Dear White Women, Here’s Why It’s Hard To Be Friends With You. I’ve had some white ladies accuse me and lie on me, them because they just didn’t have the balls to say they didn’t want a black friend. Or spread lies in a friend group, and basically everyone blinding believing what they say at face value without batting an eye. Basically everything she’s subscribing hit me to the core.
White women are socialized to keep the status quo. They maintain the patriarchy by “knowing their place” while at the same time relying on white supremacy to keep some sort of power. Their internalized misogyny and (often subconscious) racism teaches them to use the backs of Black women as stairs they need to use to climb closer to the top of the white-male-made hierarchy. However, white men, especially white, cis, straight men, will always be at the top.-Savannah Worley
They never see relational aggression as multiple punches in the face from multiple people. They don’t see gossip as name-calling and shouting. They don’t see passive-aggression as the same as throwing a plate on the ground.
Most of the abuse I’ve experienced from white women came in a covert form. I’ve had nasty rumors spread about me, which ruined me emotionally, socially, and even financially
Passive-aggression isn’t just being indirect or making sarcastic remarks. It can be avoiding somebody, playing the silent treatment, stonewalling, lying (either blatantly or by omission), and other unseen tactics used to maintain total control over a relationship which should involve two people, not just one.
I’ve experienced triangulation, which is where a person within a conflict invites a third party into it instead of dealing with the situation themselves. The person forming the “triangle” controls all of the communication, often telling the third party what a horrible person their (in this context, often imagined) adversary is. It’s a tactic used to alienate and isolate someone.
They did all of that because they felt they were losing control over our friendship or whatever connection we had. White women are taught that they are above Black women and therefore they should have power over us.
You were conditioned to not see us as humans.
It’s not everyone, clearly,. There’s some great people out here. I’ve met some amazing people on here (Medium).
But it’s a pattern that I subconsciously noticed in various organizations I was in over the years, which I clearly dropped. They assumed that I couldn’t be president because of my skin color (found this out later down the road). There was times when I was not being listened to, and they definitely listened to my white male counterpart (major conscious bias). I can tell I wasn’t given the same benefit of the doubt like my other white peers. You gotta be better. Racial biases was at play, they were more comfortable with voting in another white person. You still get the doubts. There are always gonna be people, because of what you look like, and your skin color, that will question your qualifications. 60 minutes touched on it during their Race In The Ranks story. (I had very similar experiences so I know exactly what they are talking about).
Unfortunately, too many people have a perception that black, Asian, Hispanic, Native American, non white people, can’t be in key leadership positions just because you’re black, Asian, Hispanic, Native American, non white. They just assume that it’s always gonna be somebody else.
Somebody would come out to meet and I wasn’t the person that they walked up to. Even people in my own organization(s) went to my white male counterpart first, or a white male member that wasn’t in the organization(s) for as long as I was. I was being also being condescended to even by people, my own former brothers/people who I was in organizations with who supposedly know me whenever a new topic is being discussed. And way too often, I was also being treated dumb by people dumber than me. (Yes if any of you happen to be reading this, too many of you dummies went along to get along, so I’m calling you out because it’s all stupid. It’s all stupid to assume that people can’t do something because of their skin color. It’s all about the reactions that are beyond your control, imagine people thinking that your stupid, incompetent or physically weaker by default and making a judgment call without getting to know you as a human being? Don’t assume people don’t belong or make them feel as if they’re outsiders. This insider article describes microaggressions so well.)
No matter how much effort and energy I put into other spaces, it was never enough. Nothing I did would ever be enough, because they perceived less from me because I was black. Awards mean nothing if my own brothers kept going behind my back. Working twice as hard to prove their expectations and perceptions of black people was wrong didn’t do it because no matter what I did, they were never satisfied. Throughout my time in Alpha Phi Omega and other spaces, I realized that even if I did do things error free, someone would have found something.
It’s a lifetime of frustration and to this day I’m keeping the conversation going about race relations in the United States as much as possible.
I knew deep in my heart something was up with all this. I really could have made that video hours long when I was first asked “what can I do to help?” during the Black Lives Matter movement. I really could have ripped more people than I did, but I think I made my point.
I’ve experienced it in SO MANY other spaces, which is why I can pick up on it if it happens. What Savannah Worley is describing is another reason why I won’t touch a 9 to 5er. I refuse to deal with any potential office politics, racism, relational aggression, toxic manipulation tactics, gaslighting, triangulation, passive-aggressiveness, microaggressions, silent treatments, stonewalling, lying (either blatantly or by omission), avoidance, emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment and other unseen tactics like internalized misogyny, racial biases and beliefs and then some. I don’t have the patience for it, meaning the rat race, because I dealt with it for years and years in school, from grade school on up. All that is the reason why I’m entrepreneurial, building multiple income streams with acting and music gigs constantly lining up.
You are uncomfortable with having privilege because you have fought for what you have and found difficulties in your path. But other people work as hard and get even less, because they have extra obstacles to overcome. That is life. It might not be your fault, but you benefited from that regardless.-Elisa Marino
As your Black friend I am not here to assuage your guilt, to allow your ignorance nor to provide the diversity for your clique. (I’ll remember the person who quoted this in a bit)
I noticed when I published these articles these past few years, it made quite a few of my white fam and sisters very very uncomfortable, and in turn instead of having a conversation, they distanced themselves from me (totally expected this). Instead of keeping an open mind and using it as an opportunity to be and do better, they felt threatened by it, putting their fragility and feelings first instead of introspection; their knee-jerk reaction was to dismiss it because how dare a black girl try to tell me something, I’m better and smarter than that bitch. Instead of practicing empathy and compassion for someone else’s life stories and experiences, it’s their world, and we are just living in it. We supposed to adjust to them, not the other way around. The passive-aggressive dismissal of the issues is exactly what I was and will continue to address. Instead of being threatened and weighted down with internalized misogyny, white privilege, white supremacy, racial biases and beliefs they continue to go as they were projecting without a second thought.
There’s a lot of life experiences that I haven’t had, but the least I can do is be an listening ear, and show empathy and compassion. I may not understand, but I can be there.
Second group. Started to cry foul and wolf. Their little fractured feelings got hurt. The truth makes them feel guilty, defensive and offended. They see it as a non issue because it doesn’t happen to them and don’t care. Tried to come up with justifications and excuses. Since they are so used to calling the shots, they would hate to make things equal for others, that in turn could mean less for them. Why would they want to change a system that benefits them so much after all? The possibilities of other people getting something and them not getting something is so “scary”. My goodness. (No not all white people are bad. I clearly say in many of my articles I pick friends based on content of character. I have friends from different races, backgrounds, experiences and perspectives. That’s not what the authors of the articles are saying either, but too many of them got so bend out of shape because it made them so uncomfortable that they missed the point…And the fact that they had that sort of reaction and defensiveness to it means they need to look at themselves in the mirror, if it hits close to home then that means they do the stuff that writers describe. Instead of getting offended, they should take the opportunity to learn and grow. Anddd truly make it equal for all, but I guess that’s too much for some of them.)
Consider yourself lucky (and yes, privileged) that you can escape your oppression simply by finding something else to read. The Black and brown writers you are demonizing because the truth makes you feel defensive (or guilty) by association don’t have that luxury. Comments by White people who click on articles looking to be outraged over a topic they would rather pretend is a non-issue because they’re “colorblind” only provide fodder for more articles that will bruise their fragile psyches. If you are going to get behind an “oppressed” group, perhaps you should try getting behind one that is actually oppressed.-Jeremy Helliger
But other friends (my true white soul sistas and soul bros) that I was already super close with we had an honest talk. They didn’t feel threatened at all. They kept an open mind and appreciated me sharing my experiences. (By the way, we don’t always agree on everything-who does-but we are at the point where we can openly discuss anything comfortably.) Also, some of the wokest people I’ve met have been on Medium.
You can quickly tell who’s trying to make an effort and who isn’t. Cynthia is one of the good ones that’s honestly self aware. And too many times, the people who posted the black boxes were the worst. In my case, I have too many of them posting black boxes, then going back and doing the same racist behaviors as stated above. To make long term change, you got to do the uncomfortable inner work. And quit running from the hard issues. And quit trying to silence someone just because it makes you feel uncomfortable. A couple of years ago, a few people tried to silence me, and the most obvious thing they did was turn people against me. I went to war. I’m not afraid. Ready. No one is going to silence me.
One more thing I have to add: how can black lives really matter if you’re scared of black people. I know way too many who claim they are “allies” but they are more interested in protecting their feelings than having a real conversation on racism.
To finish this off, I’m used to people believing everyone else but me. I’m used to people lying on me and people siding with other people but me. Being the only child growing up, I’ve been used to not getting the benefit of the doubt and dealing with things on my own. Being a black person in the United States, you have to almost expect a white person’s (and everyone else’s word for that matter) word to be believed over yours. And your life doesn’t matter and isn’t valued. The misinformation seems unfair, but I stay above it and trust that the truth will come out. And get you your own Acshettle and Steve Bellos.
Now back on the main topic. (Some people have said that this could be considered assault on your character and vicious ladies using their privilege to intimidate and silence you, so I added this in.) I slightly veered off topic. My bad folks.
#3. Divorce rates and single motherhood rates are high, so choose your spouse wisely.
A study by R. Kelly Raley, Megan M. Sweeney, and Danielle Wondra compared the marriage patterns of Black, white, and Hispanic American women. They discovered that Black women married later in life than both age groups and were overall less likely to ever marry. Lastly, Black women’s marriages tended to have higher rates of “marital instability.” Black women had higher divorce rates than white women, at all stages of life and ages.
The researchers believe this finding pertains to the idea that Blackness is still associated with economic disadvantage. Economic factors hugely impact marriage and marital stability, so the rate of marriage in Black communities has fallen and a racial marriage gap has emerged.
What can Black women learn from this study? One, do not determine your worth and value based on whether you are attached to a man. A man (or woman) should add to your life and bring joy, wealth, and more. But, you are whole on your own and you always will be.
Lastly, Black women must understand that we enter the dating game with a real disadvantage. For numerous reasons, the marriages we enter are far more likely to fail than those of our white, Asian, and Hispanic counterparts. This means that we need to choose our life partners extremely wisely.
Off the record, I don’t plan on getting married or having kids, so for the time being I’m dodging these bullets….I’ve written so many articles on why I’m staying single for life. I do not want to get too off topic, so here’s a few I included with this point.
I simply don’t want to be everything to everyone.
4. If you can’t get along with other Black women, you just might be the problem.
Although the media frequently displays Black female relationships as dysfunctional and problematic, the truth is that Black women are all we’ve got, and Black female friendships have the potential to be some of the deepest friendships you’ll ever develop. Black women share a unique experience in this world, since we’re the only ones who understand the special intersection of femininity and womanhood and Blackness.
As a result, we know what it’s like to face two systems of oppression: misogyny/patriarchy and racism white supremacy. We know what it’s like to fear not only the police, but to fear the reality that our spouse (usually a Black man) will leave us as single mothers in today’s cut-throat economy.
We know the struggle of getting our hair “done” and the ridiculous cost of being a Black woman and trying to live up to today’s beauty standards. Black women are not any cattier or pettier than other races of women. So, if you’re struggling to make Black female friendships (the best kind on Earth), you may need to have a heart-to-heart with yourself to figure out why you’re struggling to make those meaningful connections.
Yes.
I’ve had some bad experiences with some mean black girls growing up. My goodness, shit.
But you cannot paint all people by a few unfortunate experiences.
I’m not going to paint all black girls/women as mean, and dysfunctional because a few horrible experiences I’ve had growing up. And a few occasional run-ins (one black girl tried to fight me on the bus before, and I stood my ground. I’ll just stay away from those particular group of people.)
The truth is that Black women are all we’ve got, and Black female friendships have the potential to be some of the deepest friendships you’ll ever develop. Black women share a unique experience in this world, since we’re the only ones who understand the special intersection of femininity and womanhood and Blackness.
After those horrible experiences, I’ve found some loving connections with some cousins, college-aged-grad friends, old college buddies, and now in 2022 and beyond.
Black women is all I got (especially after 2021). Love ya soul sisters.
Bonus: You are there for others, but sometimes no one is there for you.
Stop going to that place. Going to a place where you are not accepted. You keep going around people who don’t even like you and who don’t want to see you grow and elevating your life baby. You don’t belong in that place. The place where you are not welcome wholeheartedly. Well, when you walk out of the place, they down talking you. They laughing at you and they steady stabbing you in the back. This place here you don’t belong. You have to separate you among those who don’t mean you no good yet, you had to be shown who’s for you and who’s not for you. See the people that surround you are only temporarily baby. You gotta understand you’re very different, you was always the black sheep of the family. You’re the chosen one to be mindful. -AprilCochran91
I’m the girl who’s always there when you need a friend. But I am also the girl who faces many things in life on her own. But I’ll still do anything to make somebody smile. And make sure that they’re ok. -Stephaniea2121
One day, they are going to wish they treated you better. Sometimes, people push you aside because they don’t understand your value. They don’t understand what you bring to the table. And it’s sad to say, a lot of people don’t understand that until it’s too late/gone. Right now, they are treating you this way because they feel like you won’t become something. -churchlife7
I used to be afraid of losing people, until I realized, they weren’t down for me anyways. Even though my loyalty for them ran deep, they couldn’t care less. So I stepped back. And watched them lose me. Growth.-Creating wonders
I’m here to remind you, to not let the smile blind you. The people that you see lifting other people up have often been victims of trauma and drama, so desperate and dark, that they learn to be a light. The illumination that you see is drawn from a place of pain and misery. That their heart has been broken and they’ve lost and they’ve found. And now they try with all their might that others may not experience the same plight they lift and they encourage. They bless and they care because someone has destroyed them, but they rose again. And now they live in the air among us and they breathe and they live and they laugh. And they love. And it’s all from a place of darkness and pain. And so when you see others smiling just know it came from the rain. But now they have everything they need because they learn when they are cut. They heal when they bleed.-vikingtower.
You know that girl. The one whose been through so much but still standing strong. The girl whose gone through so much trauma and pain but always smiling and has the biggest heart. The girl that loves with everything in her heart because she knows the pain of how it feels to be unnoticed, unloved. That girl who will always be your biggest supporter and listen to your problems. Even though not many are there to listen to hers. That girl is me.-craziemomof3boys2girls
You help with so many people, but when you need help you feel like no one cares (and they actually show they don’t care). You walk around with a smile on your face because you don’t want people to see the hurt and the isolation you are feeling. -
To the girl and lady that don’t have a lot of people to listen to her problems. And smile, and will do anything to make people laugh because you don’t want anyone to feel isolated and hurt like you do.
Also.
I’ve lost many friends along the way, and found that people haven’t been supportive of me over the years. They were great friends to other people, but they wasn’t a great friend to me. The effort was one-sided. In many ways, I was loyal to them in ways they wasn’t loyal to me. I noticed this with some of the black girls I ran with in my early childhood years. They couldn’t be loyal, they felt like they had to play both sides of the fence. I also noticed this with various circles I ran with in recent years.
I’ve known over the years they wasn’t down and they didn’t care about me.
The reason why I chose to suffer in silence in these instances because too many people in my life at different times caused more harm than good, they wasn’t down with me. They were not great friends to me. How I felt didn’t matter. They didn’t care and they showed it. I was invisible, unloved, unnoticed, and someone they felt like they could use as an ATM and throw away at their convenience. Even when I go through painful periods today, I notice some start to distance themselves from me. They never reach out unless they want something from you.
So I stopped caring. I stopped being loyal to people that isn’t loyal to me. They wasn’t afraid to lose me, so I stopped being afraid to lose them. I cold turkey just stopped. I stopped going to people and places that didn’t want to or didn’t have the capacity to give support and love. I was looking for warmth, support, safety and love in people and places where it never existed. I lived in la la land. I looked for a lot, because I was willing to give a lot.
It is better not to need acceptance and love from others at all. If you don’t need something, it doesn’t hurt when you don’t get it. If you don’t live for people’s acceptance, you won’t care about being accepted/rejected/fitting in and what not. I don’t even WANT to be accepted or loved by others (Here’s another way of putting it: I no longer look for it like a thirsted crazed animal, but hey if love is shown I definitely show it back). I’m not all that crazy about bringing attention to myself anyways, so it works.
As a black woman, I’ve noticed that we are expected to be everything to everyone, be there for everyone, and “be strong.”
I said enough of this. As painful as it was, I let go of many things I loved over the years. It’s like I’m a whole new person, with some of the old parts of me still in there; I stripped away my religion, some schools, some old organizations, and people who sided with everyone else but me. It’s like I’ve stepped into a whole new realm, and people in my life are still trying to square the old me with the new me.
This part veers off topic, and if you wanted you can scroll down to Bonus #2.
Now I’m called selfish more often nowadays, and I’m ok with this. Nowadays, I do not look for happiness in people, places and things (of course people can add to your happiness, but I look from within first). I like to call it: if you are not looking for it, you don’t miss it. If you don’t live for people’s acceptance, you won’t care about being accepted/rejected/fitting in and what not. I don’t even WANT to be accepted or loved by others (Here’s another way of putting it: I no longer look for it like a thirsted crazed animal, but hey if love is shown I definitely show it back). I’m not all that crazy about bringing attention to myself. And being the only child that enjoys solitude, it works.
I’m still a giver to a certain extent. I do keep secrets, and be a listening ears to others even though it’s not always returned. But I’m especially careful with who I extend that love out to.
If fear of intimacy is negatively impacting your life, the first step is to understand that they aren’t your fault and give yourself some grace.
Don’t blame yourself. You didn’t have any choice of over your circumstances as a child, and you didn’t ask to be traumatized.
You have zero accountability over what happened to you.
While well intentioned, listening to other people’s advice too many times led me off the predestined path without even realizing it, and at this point it’s too late to go back and change it. This is why I listen to myself more nowadays, and take the good advice and leave most of it.
I know it was out of my control, but what’s within my control is not putting myself in the situations. If I see similar toxic situations being displayed, I don’t have to be stupid about it and just walk in front of a train wreck. I do not have to let people walk all over me either.
The people who matter most will be there to protect, comfort, or console them. In theory. The people what was supposedly supposed to be there was the enemies. This happened a lot.
Inadvertently learned that they have to take care of themselves because no one has their back. I inadvertently learned that I have to take care of myself because no one had my back. And it has happened multiple times in my life, and while I wasn’t happy or necessarily prepared for it, I saw it before.
Anxiety due to their inability to seek comfort from others. Can I point out that the people in the situation(s) were the main source of the pain. Seeking comfort from them was like shaking hands with the devils. They were not good people or good friends. It’s better to get it on your own, than seek it (support, comfort, your needs) from bad people.
Life has taught them to believe that their voice isn’t likely to be heard, anyway. They solve the issues by removing themselves from the situation. Is someone hanging up on you and not returning phone calls when you need help supportive? No. Is them stabbing you in the back the minute you leave the room and pretending to be a friend in your face good? Hell no! You have to know the difference between giving up and knowing when you have enough. When something is out of your control and no matter what you do, it’s not going to work out and it’s time for a change. Sometimes, the damage is beyond repair, and it’s best to cut your losses and walk from the situation (s). I’m going to tell you, cutting lies with some things I’ve loved for years is one of the best things I’ve ever done. If something is not serving you, why keep beating yourself up, revisiting the places, retriggering and keep bringing back those bad memories, and keep trying to make it work with situations and people that’s not working? Sometimes holding on is more damaging than letting go.
I let go of my religion, some organizations, and some schools. It wasn’t easy and quite painful to let go of things I spent years loving. But once I detached, and snip snip, it was like an exchange of energy and space. Literally, like I said above, it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done-after wards my music streams hit 100,000 and 1 million streams perspectiviely
Who don’t believe their needs will ever be met. they lose trust in their environment or circumstances. Attachment styles develop in infancy and early childhood as involuntary biological behaviors that help us stay safe. After a certain period of their needs not being met. Feeling unsafe or unprotected. They are more easily able to disconnect from people and circumstances.
No one acknowledges the effects that childhood trauma or trauma generally speaking has on you, nor do they care. Especially the people that dished it out don’t care, and people underestimate the PTSD that can come from your friends (in my case female) friends betraying you.
- I was in several emotionally abusive, toxic and unsupportive environments from many sides (both grade school and upper ed, more on this below). This is truly one of the earliest experiences where I did not feel safe, and I had to adopt hardness, and suppress my emotions to cope with what was going on around me. I had a lot of friend-enemies, black girls that wanted to beat me up, and these people were not trustworthy, letting them see that they effected you, shed a tear or letting them see you sweat was bad. They got a thrill of seeing you suffer. Many times I couldn’t trust and get close to anyone, and felt like no one had my back for years (and sometimes it still feels this way, hey I know the animals got my back at least). I didn’t act black the way they acted black. I liked Dragon Ball Z while they chased boys down. I attended cosplay (I do not dress up like some of my Gen Con friends and Comic Con. These people did not care about me. Instead of giving them the license to make fun of me in an already bad situation, I kept it to myself.
No one acknowledges the effects that childhood trauma or trauma generally speaking has on you, nor do they care. Especially the people that dished it out don’t care, and people underestimate the PTSD that can come from your friends (in my case female) friends betraying you.
Bonus #2: The world doesn’t see you like you see yourself.
Never limit yourself because of others’ limited imagination; never limit others because of your limited imagination.
“That’s why it’s important because theater belongs to everyone. It’s not something that only belongs to someone who looks a certain way, sounds a certain way,” she says. “Theater’s supposed to be the mirror of what the world looks like, and that’s what the world looks like.”-
In what it’s like to be a black girl in a white sorority, she mentions that she doesn’t/didn’t fit in with the other black kids on campus. Maybe you are reading this, and your heart is telling you to rush a Panhellenic sorority, but your family wants you to join a Divine 9. Maybe you really connected with a group of girls, and no one in your world understands it but you.
You might be reading this, and like me, don’t/didn’t act black the way the people in your class act/acted black growing up. Or you like to ski. Or you internationally travel a lot and you get a bunch of stares. Or it’s a common thing for you to be the only black in the room. Or you have very specific interests (this also applies to anyone reading this, not just black women) and you find yourself going outside your culture a lot. Maybe all your friends and family like hip hop music, but you like going to classical/opera musicals too.
I am not a stranger to being the first of anything or the only Black person in a room or in a situation.
Or you may date interracially. When I was in college, I watched black men who dated white women get furious at black women for dating white men. Why the double standard? — Quora
Or you do things that this world doesn’t think a black person should be doing or what not. And you find yourself breaking stereotypes where ever you go, because you don’t fit in the box “they” think you’re supposed to be in.
We are humans and have a right to explore interests like anyone else. But we live in a world that sees us, black women as second class citizens. We see all the possibilities, and they see us as people to put in boxes.
I learned that throughout my experiences and living in this world, subconsciously or not, there is some people that’s going to always see me a certain way no matter what I do. When I walk out my door everyday, there is a chance that I can experience racism, sexism, and hate from anyone and everyone.
I never saw my race as a reason why I couldn’t get film roles, or why I couldn’t do this or that. I cannot control how others see me.
My belief is pretty high, and because of it, I nearly got destroyed in my years of school. How far your belief is, is how far you can bend reality and the Universe, in my opinion.
I talk about my experiences in my body of work.
In the unbearable blackness of liking white people shit, these quotes stood out.
First of all, we have to acknowledge that Meryl Streep is a powerhouse. She’s a fantastic actor. I have zero problems with any black person stanning for Meryl Streep… for her work. Meryl Streep is also a very good example of the invisibility of whiteness. We can all love her because we don’t have to think about Meryl Streep’s race. We can just focus on her work. That’s not the same for any black actor. When we think of Angela Bassett or Viola Davis, we think of these powerhouses, and we always talk about them in the context of not only their work and their art, but their blackness, their black womanhood. But the invisibility of Meryl Streep’s whiteness allows her to be great in this way where her race never comes up.
It’s like the movie Lady Bird. Look, Greta Gerwig did a fantastic job. It wasn’t a particularly compelling storyline, but it was a great movie. In a sea of really deep movies, it was like, “Oh, this is a movie about a basic story about a mother and a daughter.” Again, whiteness’ greatest strength is its invisibility. But divorced from having to think about those things, you can see yourself in some of the basic storylines of a movie like Lady Bird — if that makes sense. Unlike when you’re watching a movie featuring black people, in which you’re all of a sudden so hammered with identity. In a lot of white culture, you can relate to it without being heavily invested in it.
The importance is how it removes the invisibility of whiteness. That’s one of whiteness’ greatest strengths: being invisible. It’s considered the norm. Everything else is an outlier. It falls outside of that. Distinguishing it actually creates an environment in which we’re able to say, specifically, that these are the elements of whiteness. And that not all of them are harmful to people of color. So even though SATC may not be a completely harmless thing, for its time it was groundbreaking because of the representation of women and the representation of women talking about sex, very openly and explicitly.
The reason why I’ve been treated badly over the years in brief explanation? People wasn’t sure how to take me. I like white people shit-and other cultures too: I like going to Hindu temples, celebrating Cinco De Mayo, Boloencierro (also known as Running of the Bulls), going to Diwali parties, celebrating Chinese New Years and so forth. (Due to Covid I cut back but I plan on speeding up when I can). I also like Kpop music throughout the years, and listened to Taeyang and Big Bang before BTS hit the United States. There’s a lot of cultures in the world, and everyone deserves to be respected and represented.
All the quirks, oddities , “speaking white accusations”, being called weird and strange (which is stupid haha). Instead of accepting me for who I am/was, and saying that’s unique. They tried to mold me into what makes them more comfortable. It’s weird that a black person can be in here with us, the tickets cost $1,500. So your assuming that I can’t afford to be in here or don’t deserve to be in here because I’m black, huh, just admit it. I didn’t fit into their box and still don’t. I catch a lot of hell for it, people try to sue me because I don’t do what they think a black person should be doing. And many have turned their backs on me. I find myself in white spaces a lot, and the only black in the room; it’s second nature to me and it doesn’t phrase me. And they don’t mean any malice by it a lot of times (I think, sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t). I have a lot of loving white family and friends so don’t take this line the wrong way: Sometimes some of my white brothers and sisters not in the know try to make it clear that you are not welcomed here. Too many times, they make it clear: it’s their world and I’m living in it. I don’t have to learn about you and your culture, but by design, you have to learn how to adapt to and learn ours.
Bottom line:
You have to make yourself feel welcomed in a world that sometimes doesn’t like to include you and don’t want to include you. And actively does cruel things to exclude you and make you feel less than. Or say that I’m something they do not want. I just say I have every right to be here like they do. And sometimes I do walk events without being acknowledged or plain out ignored. My Catholic parishes ignored me for years unless I had something they wanted-sad but true-they would love it if I sent money and never showed up, they could care less about me. Leaving all the things that wasn’t working in my life the past 2 to 5 years has been an easy decision, because in all the situations one way or another, I was treated like the lowest form of life.)
A lot of times, I find that the people that I have things in common with transcend race. If we click, we click. If we don’t, we don’t. I have friends of all different religions, backgrounds, races and walks of life. I’ve literally had people try to silence me, take legal action against me, and do all sorts of things throughout the years because they didn’t “get me.” Or the famous “you’re weird” because you don’t act black in the ways they think a black person should be (notice I say this twice).
It’s a heavy weight. (Sometimes I escape the world by putting my phone on airplane mode and spend time with the most non-judgmental people I know: animals. Not a single one of them ever judges me on what I look like lol. I started an Animal Clan channel where I feed squirrels, cats, dogs, or anything that wants food.)
Hey sis, if you are in the same position I’m in. Don’t change because people don’t get you. How far your belief is, is how far you can bend reality and the Universe. If you believe in yourself, you’re unstoppable. It’s not your fault they are not open-minded to all the possibilities. The world just needs to catch up.
Bonus #3. About Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson’s Hearing
As a black woman, we are expected to be everything to everyone, and also attacked by everyone in the world, (and sadly, sometimes our own).
- Women, poc, especially black women, often have to keep their emotions in check to keep themselves safe. I do think it’s important that my white male friends is aware it happens because as white men, he will more in likely not have to experience it.
- The hearing of Judge Kentanji Brown Jackson is another example of a black woman having to work harder and show more patience, poise, class and grace to prove that she’s is more than worthy.
- If she was white, she would not be subjected to this horrible behavior and ridiculous questions. The level of disrespect shown to Judge Kentanji was/is unacceptable. This is what the “powers at be” try to do to a black women trying to go places: sabotage, use artificial means to keep you out, or
- She’s is far more experienced, educated, qualified, credentialed in her position than the people questioning her. She’s way over qualified, whereas the people attacking her have nothing legitimate to attack her with.
- I’m going to go on a limb here: She is truly one of the most if not the most qualified individual I’ve seen be nominated.
I know you have your stories, but here’s mine (the short version, go to the blogs for more details.):
People think I’m nice, but in turn they thought I was stupid.
There was a number of times when I was attacked by my own, white women, black men, white men and everyone else in btwn.
When I made a mistake, the consequences was way harder on me than my white peers. I was definitely held under a microscope and set up to fail. My experiences in school is the reason why I won’t touch a 9 to 5er with a 500 foot pole.
I’ve learned in too many instances, too many white people do not want to work for black people (or any person of color for that matter). I’ve had several experiences where a white person would try to undermine me or backstab me or take direction from a white boss, but
References:
- *I’m not sure if I actually got 9 things, but I’ll re-publish a part two a little bit down the road!
It’s 2022 🔥🙌
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