Catch 22 On Forgiveness
Why I left a religion over this.
https://www.instagram.com/p/Cc8KMR1OXpN/
Key Points:
- You don’t have to forgive someone.
- Anyone who tells you that you need to forgive is not respecting your boundaries.
- Forgiveness doesn’t condone a person’s behavior.
- You don’t just forgive someone, and that’s it. Forgiveness can take years. You may feel yourself letting go of hurt little by little until one day you feel a weight lifted off of you. You may feel like you have forgiven someone, and then the next day, it feels like it never happened.
- If you do choose to forgive, the time frame is completely up to you.
- When you forgive someone, it doesn’t mean that you are saying what they did was okay. It is a common misconception that forgiveness means condoning.
- Sometimes people put pressure on others to forgive (I know I felt the pressure a lot, especially from various churches) . Your religion may tell you that you need to forgive, that to forgive is divine. You don’t have to forgive. If you don’t feel like you can’t or want to, then don’t. It’s as simple as that. And no one has the right to judge you for not wanting to forgive.
- Some violations are so heinous and cruel that it is impossible to forgive a person or people.
- Forgiveness should be your choice and your choice alone. If you are being pushed into forgiving someone and it doesn’t feel right to you, stop. Be very clear with the person who is pushing you that you have the right to decide if and when you will forgive someone. If you are being shamed into forgiving someone, or made to feel guilty, that’s even more reason to tell the person their behavior is inappropriate and damaging.
- Is there need to forgive? No, there is need to understand, and to accept, and there is need to hold the wrongdoer accountable, if even by laying the blame where it ought to be in conversation with a therapist or friend; There is need to grieve the idea of what could or should have been; there is need to love the younger self who has endured the hardship; and there is need to make a plan to move forward.
- Depending on the circumstances, forgiveness is healthy, needed, and recommended. Sometimes, however, there’s more power in not forgiving, but learning from encounters of malevolence, growing, and moving on.
- No, Trauma Survivors Don’t Always Need to Forgive. They do need to do whatever makes them most at peace.
- No one is the expert on your experience but you. You don’t have to practice Forgiving your abusers — because you’re told and pressured to do so to recover. If you choose to do so of your own volition and choice, that’s different.
- Dismissing and diminishing your lived experiences and attendant feelings to make other people comfortable in order to preserve relationships with them. (I’ll tell you how a friend or two tried to do this to me below).
- As a moral virtue, forgiveness never ever should be forced onto anyone. Instead, people should be drawn to forgiveness by their own free will. That is the case for all moral virtues. For example, in the case of altruism, we do not put pressure on people to be altruistic, hovering over them and insisting that they must give money to the poor.-
- (Thank you Psychology Today for the key points)
https://www.instagram.com/reel/CW1tb32gO1l/
There’s some people that done things that was so bad that they don’t deserve forgiveness. Am I going to think about ways of getting them back everyday? No. Spend hours plotting revenge? No (Success is the best revenge).
Have I forgiven before? Yes. I do not sweat the small petty stuff nor get angry over stupid shit.
Do I live my life? You bet.
But here’s my catch 22.
What sorry isn’t: Saying it, but keep doing the same toxic behavior over and over and over again. This isn’t sorry, this is someone who wants to see how much you can hurt. And in these instances, I was almost expected to keep dealing with their bad toxic behavior because “they were going through things.”
When you realize that someone is causing more harm than good. To keep trying to keep these people in your life is detrimental. Instead of wasting precious time with toxic people, more energy should be spent on functional, healthy and supportive relationships!
I don’t know about people reading this. But my whole life I was (and still am) always expected to be the better person, the doormat, and to just sit there and be gracious for the opportunity for them to keep doing things to me. I’ve been told that I’m a giver (because I love doing things without expecting anything in return), an empath, and a light worker, but even I have my limits. I give people wayy more changes than they deserve, but once I’m done, I’m done. I’ll keep fighting for a bit for a good cause, but when I realize that someone is doing more harm than good, I’ll throw up the white flag and say ENOUGH.
And wait, after I’m done and I cut them out once and for all, I’m told that I need to be more compassionate and forgiving (after giving them many changes mind you). And after I decide to wish them well, and to not have them back in my life, I’m told to “forgive” and give them yet another chance. Another chance to f*** me over. No. So this is when I stopped listening to people, (well intentioned but I kept getting misled), left my church and started choosing myself (and ignoring the parts when I send prayer requests on the forgiveness part. )
It’s interesting because I saw 777 angel number before I wrote this…And this is the message it sent.
Angel number 777 can symbolize that we are here to learn the lessons of service, responsibility, forgiveness, compassion, and unconditional love. When we can embody these qualities within ourselves it is much easier for us to be able to serve others in the world. If we are not actively practicing these lessons now, this number can be a call to the Angelic realm to assist us in learning how to embody these qualities within ourselves.
We may be called upon to forgive someone who has wronged us and we may have difficulty doing so. The Angels can help us understand that the person who did the hurtful thing did so out of ignorance and that it is not our job to punish or judge.
They are here to help us learn how to forgive, compassionately and unconditionally. This is one of the hardest things for humans to do as it goes against our natural instincts for survival.
To quickly respond to this, please re-read my key points. Everyone makes mistakes. But I will also tell you straight up that I’m not God, a saint or a doormat. Someone suggested I be a nun, which after this year I hope to leave that theory behind. My grown and sexy projects are close to getting a million streams on Soundcloud.
Sometimes my versions of forgiving is…
- A change of scenery. Getting away from the people, triggers and environment that caused the damage can do wonders (For example: I distanced myself from my hometown music scene, and I’m telling you it’s done wonders for my music, I have a million streams on Soundcloud! I have 3 Youtube channels that hit millions of views! Literally going to environments more conducive, likeminded people, and productive can change your life. It has enhanced my life). Sometimes it’s a matter of finding people that’s on your same wavelength so you can grow into the person you are meant to be. If you are out of sight, out of mind.
- Wishing someone well, but not letting them back into your life. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up recently when a former best friend #1, that caused me so much betrayal and attempted to start trouble in my family in my childhood “friend” requested me on Facebook. (By the way, my best friend picking skills in grade school were horrible, and some say it wasn’t your fault because they were the only people available to you, but still. I’m not going to disagree with you, with my best friends from childhood, you don’t need enemies. Horrible former best friend #2, that went around turning my class against me, spent years trying to destroy me, goes around single handedly telling people that we still talk on a regular basis based on recent conversation, and I haven’t seen her in years. I have never sent her a single text message. And former best friend #3 decided to be friends with everyone that royally screwed me over, play peacemaker, and tried to get me to forgive best friend #2. There was no loyalty, and no one took my feelings into consideration, I was expected to go along to get along so everyone can get along and maintain friendships. And best friend # 2 and #3 are best friends today. This is why I isolate away from people sometimes, holy s****. I have “true friends” who never would make me question their loyalty, and that’s who I’m sticking with. People do underestimate the PTSD and trauma that comes from your friends betraying you. )
- Wanting them to eat, but not eating at your table
- Realizing that they will never change despite how much you want them to.
- Realizing that you can’t change the past (no matter how much you want to)
- The damage that they caused can’t be repaired, and no one cares to see your perspective on it. So you do what you can to pick up the pieces and live your life.
Here’s one last thought on forgiveness.
I keep seeing things saying that if you are not happy with your life, change it.
This I did.
I started doing more things on my own involving my music. I do not engage with my hometown music scene that much. When I’m home, no one barely knows and I keep a low low profile. As a result of this, my plays/streams are higher than they ever been. I even noticed views on my Youtube channel are getting higher (millions of views higher folks, which is cray cray). I’m not actively seeking fame, and I don’t have a lot of followers, so this is wild. I’ll take on anything the Universe gives me (except romance and romantic advise. When it comes to painful things I really need to stop while I’m ahead, thanks in advance for your understanding.) :D
Many times I find that the angel numbers, horoscopes, send conflicting messages. I read them, take some and leave some.
A few below:
Alternatively, you could be the victim of someone else’s betrayal, robbery, or manipulation.
This could be a warning to use your mind to discern who truly has your best interest at heart and who is trying to pull one over on you.
I will receive divine guidance to reveal the things and people that no longer fit on my path and how to let them there is room for me to receive the abundant gifts the Universe has waiting for me.
It’s time to shift out of the old and step into the unknown!
It’s not about being foolish, it’s about being open to freedom, exploration, wonderment, curiosity, and whatever frees your spirit!
Not long after, she met her romantic partner — one she’d honestly given up ever finding, and they are getting married. She made room and the Universe filled in her space!
Alesha what is it you’re ready to let go of? Where are you ready to see some opportunities show up? Where do you want to feel the sense of freedom you desire?
Pluto has been moving through Capricorn for a very long time (2008). This energy brings with it a total shifting of everything we thought was secure and stable. Since Pluto encompasses death and rebirth themes, we’re being nudged to let go of what is no longer serving us. Letting go is never easy, but when Pluto is involved it becomes a necessity. It’s easier to go along with it than it is to resist. Things can become explosive when powerful Pluto joins another planet or luminary, and Mercury is no exception. You may find that you’re hasty with your words, and may express yourself in very volatile, extreme ways. You are likely to have no interest in small-talk, as Pluto inspires you to go deep in all regards. This is all well and good, just remember not to alienate yourself, and to be patient and kind with others.
(It’s interesting the 2008 part came up in one of my readings. It was the last time I can remember that I was genuinely more open and more vulnerable. It was the last year in my life before the deaths hit. My youth like-innocence before the 13+ years of grief, seeing my friends inbtwn the ages of 19 to 34 in open caskets is my normal. I loved without fear back in 2008, my wall was a lot smaller. After 2009, that wall got high af. From 2018 up to this point, I got rid of my religion, the places I loved for years (and I was distant for a bit from my church and school(s) anyway, this was a long time coming. I tried to make it work, but cut ties with all of them. I’m now rooting for a new school. I joined new organizations. I’m standing up to what I believe in, and while some see it as harsh and overpowering, it was a long time coming speaking up. I don’t consider it aggressive, it’s just somethings need to be said. You either stand up for something or fall for nothing. I’ve changed to a point where people around me are trying to square the old me with the new me, and I’m going to give them a chance to get to know different sides of me).
After finding my mojo on my own, finding like-minded people for my music other places outside Indy (keep in mind, that I’ve gotten more done with people I haven’t met in person than people that I know in person for years mind you), getting rid of my religion, former schools that I cared for a long time, and some other things I loved; going through grief, exhaustion and burnout; letting go of who I thought I would be around this time in my earlier years, i.e. learning to deal with the feelings of loss around my sense of who I was, and who I am/going to be going forward. Cutting toxic people out of my life (and it started with the two toxic bffs when I was little.);
After deciding not to live a “normal” life and engaging with the world in the way I’m told I should. I decided to no longer dismiss and diminish my lived experiences and attendant feelings to make other people comfortable in order to preserve relationships with them (i.e. root for a school that I never felt love and security at to not rock the boat, to try to make a bad situation work when it clearly wasn’t working for a long time, caring for people in ways that they didn’t care for me in return, in fact one too many groups were unsupportive, gossipy, and backstabbers.) After deciding to listen to myself after being mislead by listening to others for years. And finally having to cold turkey stop caring because I realized that they don’t give a f***** and never did in the first place.
Anddddd when I move toward crafting a life on the outside that matches who you are on the inside, regardless of what society and your family of origin would have preferred.
The angel numbers, guides, and horoscopes are suggesting that I do what?
Twos in a reading indicate a period of gestation, of waiting, and anticipation of great success in the future. There is also a focus on negotiations.
The number two in numerology is also representative of partnerships, balance, duality, reflection, opposing points of view, diversity, and choices.
But with the right amount of sitting back OR asking for guidance, it can be resolved.
Alesha, do you have people around you that you trust? (Not really)
People who are good sounding boards and can help you “see” what you can’t see?
Now is the time to utilize these wise friends!
In my opinion, I really think I’m seeing all the angel numbers to a) get into a romantic relationship when I make it perfectly clear I prefer to remain solo, I think the universe thinks I’ll be happy with someone, and what I’m saying is you shouldn’t rely on others for your happiness, it should come from yourself. I’m pretty self-aware and love my solo existence. I’m getting tired of having to explain this, I think with the amount of relationship articles and the fearful/dismissive avoidant articles and mixtapes, I make myself clear. If I change my mind in the future, I’ll let you know. But I really wish fate, the angels and people would leave me alone when it comes to that. I like my freedom, my space and my solitude.
I don’t let my guard down so easy because I also don’t have enough experiences telling me that I’ll be safe if I do. It’s interesting because this world sends a lot of mixed messages. They say you should be independent and take care of yourself, but then when you get to that point, they then tell you to pull back a little bit, let someone in to potentially hurt you? Wait a sec, not so fast.
I saw even a quote on Instagram that a lady needs to spend some time alone. (I loved the quote, I’ll find it one of these days). Then I saw a comment saying that you don’t want to spend too much time by yourself because you start to think you can handle things on your own. When I read things like this, I have a tendency to ignore it. These people out here have not lived my life, and while I’m not suggesting I shut people out for years? I’ve handled things on my own and will continue to do so, I have to do what works for me, not do what this world and the people in it want me to do (remember the part where I said listening to others too many times I got misled and burned? And when I started listening to my own inner voice more it got better.)
I personally prefer to be by myself. I got a nice n cozy protective barrier (understandably) due to my experiences. Due to the fact that quite a few people were/are very toxic and self destructive at different periods, I let them go altogether. Being around them may make it more difficult to move forward by bringing up those patterns I want to break down. And after distancing my self from them, I experienced success in other areas. Sometimes, the people you are around can keep you from living the life and successes you are meant to live, and can keep you down. This is the reason why I let go of my religion, and the schools, and some people I loved. Instead of being angry and looking for the love, security and support that they can’t and aren’t willing to give (i.e. being angry at those whom you feel could not love you and protect you as a child). If you don’t need something, it doesn’t hurt when you don’t get it. If you are not looking for it, you don’t miss it.
If you don’t look for validation outside yourself and it comes from within, it’s the key to true self-esteem and confidence. When you free yourself from the prison of caring of what others think, that’s true freedom.
When you learn to live for yourself and not other people, that’s a vibe. It’s interesting because I’ve taken assessments and they told me I’m a giver. Here’s some key words.
You are also someone who can be unstoppable when you truly set your mind to something.
You’re also a person who values your independence…
When you insist on maintaining too much freedom, you’re actually cutting yourself off from the warmth, support, and connection others can give you. (If it comes with strings attached I’m good.)
And though you can be incredibly giving, you may have a hard time with romantic partners who are too needy or dependent. (I wish the world understood this and they don’t).
I’ve found my balance of giving, being selfish, my alone time and boundaries. Despite what the assessments say (which are spot on) I will live for myself, not other people.
You can call it my version of being tough skinned, but literally some people were so mean and toxic to be around, that I embraced being lonely in those environments. I learned happiness should not be based around a person. Ask yourself this question. What is it that makes you happy? The answer to this question should not be based around a person. I hate drama, gossip, and backstabbing. I’m low key, laid back and don’t like drama. And being the only child growing up, my alone time is solitude. I don’t get lonely.
I gave it to myself. By refuging from the pain of rejection; because some environments were toxic and cruel (just take my word for it) I convinced myself and learned that in some instances, that it is better not to need acceptance and love from others at all. I didn’t even WANT to be accepted or loved by others. Other times it isn’t worth the shit. Because the price I would have to pay is too high. So I said that’s alright, and went along my merry way, until I find people on the same page.
Vulnerability is described as a kind of sword that you freely give to someone else. It’s practically giving another person an opportunity to deeply wound you with what you share. I’ve learned everyone is not safe or trustworthy, and it’s good to be choosy. It’s good to be choosy about who you share things with. It’s like the saying — “don’t cast your pearls before swine.” Just because you can always share, doesn’t mean you always should.
What I have done is starting to be more vulnerable with TRUSTED family and friends. The key is trusted.
The one thing I do like is the success I’m seeing with the music. The numbers and streams are incredible.
I’m not saying to shut everyone out or isolate completely (although sticking with animals have been the best idea out of my tool book). I do take advice from people I trust Steve Bello, Acshettle. I do reach out, but it’s at my own digression. I’ve said this 100s of times in these articles at this point. Vulnerability. I’m very choosy. Asking for help at different periods have led to some bad bad things, and if it comes with strings, I rather not.
P.S. I like this message that came into my inbox.
If you’re feeling a pull to spend some time by yourself, NOW is the time to listen! The Hermit card showed up for you today to say, “it’s time for you to hear yourself think.”
But spending time alone is a space for creation and wisdom, Alesha.
Not only do I like spending time alone, I thrive in it. There’s times for loved ones, and there’s times with animals and being in solitude.
References:
It’s 2022 . 🔥🙌
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