Conflict Resolution Sounds Like These 15 Things
According to Dr. Nehamistry, some adults did not witness fair fighting, boundary setting, and conflict resolution in their childhoods.
My home life was amazing, my school was a different story.
But this quote was also the case:
Please be patient with those who have a hard time articulating how they feel. Many of those people grew up in environments where no matter what they said or how they said it, it was not enough to be heard. Be patient with people, we all carry our own bags-TheMantraCo
I did not feel safe emotionally or mentally, because opening up to people who are waiting to hear bad things just to kick you down further was the norm. It was a hostile and toxic environment that was allowed to thrive, especially during my teenage years. Gossip, jealousy and backstabbing was the norm. My early years taught me that it’s safer to go through difficult seasons alone than to trust the wrong people (and take my word for it, they were the epitome of mean). The priest in the situation allowed it to happen, because he was more concerned with money, image, getting Pacers and Colts tickets, fronting appearances, and walking on needles to please the money people.
Nowadays, when I see people displaying the same toxic behaviors, I’m like hah, seen this before, these people are not trustworthy, as noted in this article. Trust, forgiveness, and moving on doesn’t necessarily go hand in hand.
Don’t get yourself in a messy situation thinking that forgiveness means you have to trust. It does not. Find people worthy of your trust.
Stay safe. And remember that it’s okay to deny trust to someone who is not worthy of it.
Learn to notice red flags and wisely stay away. In other words, build boundaries that respect your privacy and keep you safe while still letting those you deem trustworthy into your inner circle.
It’s ok to stay safe. And remember that it’s okay to deny trust to someone who is not worthy of it.
I’m not a relationship blogger at all, and to be honest I was not going to write this. But I’ve found this list to be helpful with toxic older family members. (Sorry fam, I love you but it is what it is….)
Instead, according to Neha, they may have witnessed the opposite on a day-to day basis as well as during big conflicts. This may have sounded like name calling, physical aggression, stonewalling, passive aggression, etc.
If that is the case, then it makes sense if you struggle with conflict resolution and fair fighting in relationships. These relationships are not limited to your partner. It also applies to coworkers, friends, family members, etc.
This guide was something I wish I had years ago. It was literally a hostile day to day thing. I was never perfect (and never will be) but there was no way that adults acting like this was normal.
According to Neha, we will get triggered in relationships. This is normal. Not only can we benefit from fair fighting, but also conflict resolution.
- Ask yourself, why am I upset.
- Practice emotion regulation skills as needed.
- Discuss one thing at a time.
- Resentment grows from unresolved conflict and you can still return to resolve that previous issue later.
- Disagree with kindness and respect.
- No degrading language, language, swearing, name-calling, etc.
- Take your time.
- Ask for breaks, commit to coming back to it later. No silent treatment
- Pause.
- Take turns.
- Give each other time to express and listen.
Neha’s Tips & Guidance.
A. This is difficult. I need some time to process this, let’s come back to this conversation tomorrow afternoon.
B. I need a break to understand what is happening for me. I want to have this conversation with a clearer mind and calmer emotions.
C. Let’s both please try not to raise our voices. We agreed after our previous disagreement that we will work on resolving better.
D. Bringing up different issues from the past is causing confusion. I hear you and that is important, let’s get back to it later. For now, can we try to resolve this?
E. Please stop threatening me with ultimatums and that you’ll break up with me unless you actually mean it. We say really hurtful things to each other when we get mad and later regret it.
F. I feel disrespected when you dismiss my concerns after I have stated them.
G. I feel scared when you raise your voice and yell.
H. You are talking over me. Please let me finish.
I. We both have our non-negotiables in this relationship. I want to respect yours. How do we compromise?
J. I am sensing growing resentment between the both of us especially when things go unresolved. I want to be there for you like you are for me. Can we talk through this now rather than sweeping it under the rug?
K. I want to accept your apology, yet it is difficult because I have heard this in the past. I want to see changed behavior and this looks like____
L. We need support with communication. I would like to attend couple’s counseling together (FYI. To my readers reading this, you know how I feel about therapy and trusting folks especially right now, I rather take a one way ticket to hell first before trusting someone in that capacity.)
M. Something I am working on is staying present. This is hard for me. This is new for me. Please be patient with me as I am trying to the same for myself. Now, where were we?
N. That worked then, this is now. Our life is different, our new reality is different. Can we try to find a resolution that works at this stage in our life.
It’s 2022 at the time of this writing, but by the time you read it, it will be 2024. I had to write a ton of content ahead of time to stay consistent despite what’s happening. 🔥🙌
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