Dear Biological Pops, Life Is Great

This was technically supposed to be my 5th Medium post. Oh well. As I was posting, I found a whole slew of posts I missed from my 1st blog post. I was trying to honor where I started and whoops. In order to clearly understand, it’s best to read these in this order. It’s almost like reading chapter 4 then jumping to 15 lol. More in likely another mistake will happen. I even tried waking up at 4 am to play catch up haha. You might be reading a few of these posts twice. This is like a journal of my school days, which I washed my hands of and threw away. I avoid these days like the plague. I’m not the product of my circumstances, but the product of my decisions. I can’t miss what I never had. Instead of talking about what I don’t have, I focus on what I do have. It amazes me how many times people focused on the missing family members instead of looking at the ones in my life. It was his choice to make himself unimportant, and it’s my choice to live life. Instead of focusing on excuses, I focus on solutions. What about you?

Photo Credit Goes To Lee Pearson.

Just because he isn’t around, does not mean I can’t do things. He made his choice to chase women and not want to be involved in my life. Life has been fine without him. He made himself unimportant. I can’t miss what I never had. They try and label me illegitimate, tell me that I’m more in likely to be this way, or engage in this behavior, because of the choices that my father made. It’s twisted how your called names because of the actions that one person took.

No I was not a teenage parent, I’m not promiscuous, I do not put out. I wonder where do they get these stats from about kids that come from single parent homes? Unfortunately, those stats apply to some, but they do not apply to me. I was a altar server girl starting at 3rd grade, I was reading at college age level in the 6th grade, I owned my own pet sitting business, I worked for the Y-press at the Indianapolis Star, I was heavily involved in volunteering for the children’s museum, (MAP LOVE), and many times, I had two extremes: people telling me I had so much potential, then on the other hand I was more in likely to fail because the absence of a father figure. I did not focus on what I didn’t have, I was focusing on what I did have. And when challenges arrived, I just dealt with them accordingly. The same rules apply today. I have obstacles that I face too. I’m not trying to sound cocky, but I’m the product of a single parent, went to private schools my whole life, and living a pretty fulfilled life. Don’t fix something that isn’t broken.

I get it, it’s a ideal situation when kids come from a home with both mommy and daddy, and I know there’s ton of pressure for people to get married. On the other hand, I’ve seen way too many people front appearances to stay in marriages/relationships that are far from normal. Is kids growing up with parents fighting with each other normal? No it’s not. I’ve known of several unfortunate situations of a father shooting a mother, another situation of a father committing suicide because he was so unhappy in his marriage, and I’ve even heard of husbands and wives knifing each other. These are extreme cases, but is society telling me that these people should’ve stayed married or gotten married in the first place, raising children in those situations, especially if there were alarming signs at the start? I guaranteed if these people got away from each other, my former classmates would have living parents.

On a happier note, I’ve seen marriages that truly have fairy tale endings modeling behavior that I really admire. Many of my friends have found the love of their life. I pray for them everyday. I love going to weddings and hearing those romantic wedding vows. I see so many of my friends who are married who are very happy. According to several sources, my father was way too selfish for marriage, and truly didn’t have any idea of what commitment meant. (The idea of putting someone else before yourself, and loving someone in sickness and in health? Hell no!) He thought too small and didn’t have the maturity to grow into the person that could be a great partner.

I’ll make a commitment that he won’t, if that time ever comes, I will look for what I can give instead of looking for what I can get, and I’ll get married on my own terms and not because I got pressured into it. And future husband, marriage counseling is in. It’s a secret goal to be happily single, and if it’s meant to be, be happily married. Again, I’m happy for all of my friends who found the love of their lives, but I feel no extra pressure that many others face. After reading a few marriage books, I got a small taste of how big of a commitment marriage is. When I go to wedding ceremonies, I’m happy to say congratulations, but I don’t question myself at all or wishing that I was getting married like them.

I observe in my own family how some members think they are better because they have a ring on their finger. So all of a sudden after the marriage ceremony, they’ve gotten smarter, and better than their single counterparts? Hmm. Well then. I can really respect my family members who married on their own terms, not when everyone else wanted them to, or falling for the pressure to get married. I also really respect the family members who respect others decision to be single. News flash: getting married is a choice, it’s not required people.

So why is it that people throughout the years used to make me feel like less of a person based off of him not being around? To those of you that labeled me, stereotyped me, did things to start trouble between me and my mom, disrespected my mom, SHAME ON YOU. I’m also happy that I didn’t let the insensitive comments get next to me throughout the years, and I had the maturity at a young age to handle rude questions (which is credited to my mother setting a good example and teaching me morals). I understand really more now why people used to treat me a little different when I was younger. It’s amazing how much people judge a situation that they don’t know about or understand. It’s really none of their business. Way too many times, people used to try and make me fill bad for not having a father. Since my father didn’t want me or wanted to be in my life, God is my father. My mother’s side of the family do not know my biological father, even though I know for a fact they want to know. I think they want to know him more than I actually do.

My mom did things as a single parent that many people couldn’t do as a couple around me growing up, and I could tell how jealous they are/were. They really couldn’t handle my mom and couldn’t understand how she did things. Because she wasn’t he stereotypical struggling single parent, my mom was very intimidating to many. I’m grateful to have a mom that taught me values and raised me in a loving home. I never went without anything. In fact so much to the point where people accused me of being a spoiled brat. I don’t spend hours wondering why he did what he did, that’s counterproductive. I can’t miss what I never had. I don’t know how my life would have been different with my dad around, but life is moving forward.

No matter what situation you come from, (a 2 parent house or 1) you can make something out of yourself. I’ve seen some people come from the worst circumstances and still make something out themselves. It’s not so much where you come from, it’s what you do with what your given. It was his decision to not be in my life, I won’t be desperately seeking him out.

While people scream out the message at me telling me how much of a disadvantage it was for me to not have a father, I’ll scream this in return: I control my own destiny. If you have a great father figure in your life, GREAT! (This post is not attacking great dads, or marriage. I wanted to address how annoying people were towards me because my dad made the conscience decision not to be in my life).Give him hugs and kisses for me. Don’t take your dad for granted. Good ones exist, and that’s why I still put “Happy Father’s” day as a Facebook status on Father’s Day.

Photo Credit Goes To Lee Pearson.

Hello! I’m Alesha! I’m a musician, actress, entrepreneur and writer. Follow on Twitter. If you like what I’m writing, give me a heart and share! :) I like hearts.

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