Hey There! My name is Alesha! This was technically supposed to be my 20th post. Oh well. As I was posting, I found a whole slew of posts I missed from my 1st blog post. So I started over lol. You might read a few of my posts twice. I was trying to honor where I started after getting on Medium and whoops, In order to clearly understand my story, it’s best to read these in this order. It’s almost like reading chapter 4 then jumping to 15 lol. More in likely another mistake will happen. I even tried waking up at 4 am to play catch up haha. I thought I wanted to save these for a future book. I’ll stop posting the intros as soon as I stop digging from my old blog post bank. These are from 2014, a period from my school days. No edits (yet) but raw in nature. Shit. I secretly hate that I wanted to go to college badly for the first 18 years of my life. After briefing scanning this, I’m reminded of how stupid I was in my younger years lol. I think I might delete some of this.
*Wrote this early in the morning along with other weird times. Don’t judge if you see mistakes. I’ll go back through it all and catch them later. But I think you will get the point. ;)
“When are you graduating?”
“When are you leaving”
“What do you do for a living.”
Trust me, I want to leave too. How are you doing, lol. Don’t worry when I leave I probably won’t come back at all. Campus is all yours. Y’all won’t have to worry about seeing my southern ass up there too often. Yeah I was born in Georgia and miss my southern ways.
Read my first response.
Modeling. Music. Acting. To help pay for school, I actually ended up getting more modeling gigs. (BTW, if my school didn’t make my life difficult & take away my $$$ (which btw that still isn’t cool), I wouldn’t have gotten the gigs or casting calls. That life event pushed me to find funding for myself which in turn got me paying model gigs. SO in a sense, thank you for turning a disaster-type situation into one that jump started a career for me.
People are people.
Here’s what I failed in.
Most of my goals in college.
Getting a license in high school. (Just for the record, I’m not Danica Patrick, but I taught my self how to drive.)
They don’t care about my family deaths.
They don’t care about the fact I knew a murderer (btw, he’s gone and can’t hurt anyone else. I secretly don’t get why he was covered in the front page of the news papers I was reading; I understand that they wanted us to know he was dead but what he did was awful. It’s been a long time since I was a reporter but something more positive on the front page would have been great in my opinion. Plant his ass on the inside some where, maybe since I knew him it hits close to home. So the message that we are sending is killing people gets you on the front page despite so many other people doing great things? I worry about humanity sometimes.) and the one that the murderer shot.
They don’t care that I have friends that committed and attempt suicide around me. Noted. There’s a lot going on and I’m doing my best to handle it all. It’s something I’ve learned to live with.
This might sound horrible, but me not caring about grades relaxes me. I don’t have it in me to care fully right now. I’m happy with my average non straight A GPA. I’m told I’m one of the smartest in the family. I don’t apply myself enough. I don’t disagree with that part. I’m not focused like I should be, but is crying (BTW, not a huge crier, I’ve learned to deal with it), sitting in a corner reflecting over everything happening, going to get homework done, gigs my way to pay for things? NO.. but volunteering, and these modeling gigs really relaxes me and gets my mind off things.
Which leads to my next point.
I’m human. I don’t make all the perfect decisions. Yet I find myself around some extremely judgmental people that don’t understand. Until they been there they don’t know what it’s like to have a hard time in school. Silent pain is the worst. Having people kick you down while you are having a hard time isn’t fun either. Welcome to my college life for the most part.
I was listening to one of my advisors, and I’m to the point where I let people talk. One of them said,
“We want you to get a job.”
“You’re not going to be successful.”
They have no clue that I have other things on the outside working for me already. They might see me as a failure in their eyes (esp when it comes to college), but I’m doing great. No I haven’t revealed to them this side of me because If getting paid modeling jobs is considered a failure, this is the best failure I’m experiencing in my life. But it’s not. I consider it a honor and blessing that I have the chance to do this. It came at the perfect time.
I’m getting paid to do what I love. (No I’m not crazy. I’m not telling any of you how much I make. Or going to post everytime I get paid. I picked a email from my modeling emails for you all to look at. And edited the number(s) into a beautiful red sentence for you to read. My secrets haha. And seriously, a good portion of my money I get right now will be invested back into my business (which also includes music and acting). The other portion of it is going towards paying the school bills. No I won’t blow most of it on cars and other things. I’m not a six figure model just yet (like some friends of friends are), but I’m working my way everyday so I can get to that point. Slowly but surely. I still have a long ways to go because I’m just now crossing over into the paid/professional arena. (Maybe it will happen for me in music/acting first?) Regardless, can you imagine getting paid to have your picture taken? I post this so you can tell me “Yes Alesha this is happening to you.” I’m living a dream. Still wrapping my mind around this, pinch me at anytime.
QUESTION #2. I BARELY GET ON GOOGLE PLUS EVER. EVER. EVER. Except to write posts on Blogger. I don’t really have followers on there. SO how did I get 100,000+ views on there?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! That’s crazy awesome. But thank you for the love.
Just for the record, I have a lot of things working against me to try and keep me from being successful (especially in college). Me having a car or not having a car is not going to keep me from getting to gigs I need to get to (it makes life harder, but whatevs. I want to be in entertainment more than anything). My mom has wondered how I’ve gotten to Chicago and elsewhere, hahaha especially with me taking classes. For my friends reading this, just know my modeling gigs can take me anywhere from NY to California. If I end up in your city, I’ll try to let you know if I’m going to be there (so you can either come hug me or duck and cover to avoid me lol. I’ll still love you). but if I’m only going to be there for a few hours to take photos, and leave, I’ll catch you the next time, or the next next time! It makes no sense to try to meet up when you only have a few hours to shoot and I got to be in the next city quickly haha. And this is the part where I get serious again. Even though I’m still in classes (which actually might change soon) this is the one area I’m successful. Your failures in college don’t have to define you. Yeah it hurts like hell, and I admit I wish I had more friends talking to me too. I’m not the one to beg for help. If I speak up, put my heart in your hands and you crush it, don’t be surprised if I run away from you. I mentioned to several people before that I needed help then they disappeared and acted awkward. If they didn’t want to help they should have told me to get lost, lol. People do have a right to say no. I just think they don’t care enough about me to be honest. This is why I usually hesitate when asking and will usually find a way to get it on my own first. I remember one time I was with a circle of friends and one friend was complaining about a boy she was dating and some of her classes. She yelled about this for long periods of time several times. I noticed after she left a few people said “Thank God she’s gone.” “ I’m tired of hearing about this boy every time I see her.” “She’s always talking about who’s she’s dating, damn I wish she shut up.”
I understand a need to vent but again, this is why sometimes I personally don’t ask for help even when I need it. People don’t like constant complainers or someone that whines all the time. When you do that you push people away and I definitely don’t want to do that. I usually vent in private anyways. I’ll make a judgement call and say there are several times that I stay silent but I should talk to someone. On the other hand, I feel like telling my friends somethings would scare them, and that’s something I don’t want to do. I’ve had to be strong even when it was tough for me to be-I remember at 9 years old I had to tell some of my younger relatives that people in my family passed away. I started really young and it forced me to grow up at an early age.
I just wish I had to tell my friends who committed suicide this: I’ve failed in college so many times that I lost count, things isn’t working out for me either, and you can move past this. I relate to you a lot more than you think. I just don’t say anything to most people. If you think no one cares or love you, I DO! IF it makes you feel better, I’m pretty sure I won’t finish in CGT either (which by the way to me is personally is extreme failure, I had plans to walk across the stage with that degree. It’s painful. Life is pushing me more and more towards entertainment. But more and more I’m thinking it’s the person, Alesha, not the degree). I wish I had the chance to talk to you all. Honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever get over it, I’ve just learned to live with pain.
I made my friends who attempted or want to attempt suicide promise me they will call me first. I beg them to please keep talking to me. College or any major is not worth ending your life over. I know what it feels like to be avoided, and people not wanting to help you. (I reached out to folks to ask for help and they didn’t even respond or they avoided me and the question all together. On the other hand several of the people who are trying to reach out to me now have insulted me in various ways and I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to reach back out to people that are sources of negatively). I’ve gotten the impression from several of my friends that I bother them when I talk to them. One time I asked someone I admire could they look out for me. You know what she pretty much said? “Nope, I don’t care enough about you to look out for you. I’m looking out for other people and you are not one of them. “ You feel it when it happens. So, the biggest thing I tell them is they are not bothering me. I want them to talk to me. I want to be a friend to them that I wish some of my friends were to me. (Unfortunately, there is still a huge stigma against mental illnesses, so many hide out or don’t talk about it. I’ve had some life experiences especially in college and elsewhere that upset me deeply. If you don’t get what I’m trying to admit, read the sentence again until you do. Or read some of my other blogs. My desire to be successful in entertainment snapped me out of this, fyi.)
Failure is just life pushing you in another direction. How I’m moving past my college failures is volunteering and my modeling gigs (like I said before). I also choose to face my fears in front of my friends to try to face my fears in other areas of my life and to show them I’m very vulnerable, (I’m TERRIFIED of heights);being strong also involves letting people that you really trust in and showing them your soft side. I do have a soft side. I put up my walls a lot (and for good reason). I do hurt, but at the same time being hurt and having a lot on my mind is not going to get the school bills paid or move my career forward. Action does.
I don’t like failing at anything. Who does? I think my stories that I will beable to tell one day will be pretty solid-I’ll have plenty of comeback and look at all my setbacks but still made it stories. But in my case, especially, I feel like my failures in college is pushing me in the right direction, especially when it comes to my career in general. I recently had a photo shoot on October 24th, 2014 that will really step things up for me and it already has. I posted the 1st version of my photos and I looked in my email within a few hours of posting those my email blew up. I am getting offers from New Jersey. I am also looking into this book deal where my photos might be used, and I do have 2 more Chicago gigs. Notice, to all my friends and people that know me reading this I did not post a status about this on Facebook. I didn’t post about the photo shoot that Friday evening either. The only way you will know about the book deal is if you read this post. Yes, it’s getting to the point where I pick some and turn some down. I sometimes will post statuses that I’m doing this gig or that gig. BUT I will mainly let the results speak for themselves. As for some of the people at the college level calling me a failure? Well. I’ll let them keep talking. I will have my time to speak and defend myself. I’ve been told this time will pass. After all, tough times don’t last but tough people do. Okay, I’ll give you a quick example.
College Advisors/Some people/ETC.
“You will be jobless at 30.”
“You’re failing.” Me: I call it being patriotic. You know waving flags. (They didn’t think it was funny.)
“Why do you keep trying to do this”
“You’re a waste of time.”*
“ You don’t work hard enough.”
“Your family deaths is not a good enough excuse for you to miss classes.”
“What are you doing around here. “
***********Now. I want you to read this.*****************
**************BREAK FROM THIS POST.********************
(Let me know if these links work ok, FYI.)
PLEASE READ THIS ARTICLE, but ESPECIALLY #5 ON THIS ENTREPRENEUR POST. #5 #5. #5. #5. #5!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE.
*************OK DONE WITH BREAK FROM THIS POST.**********
Summary of these last published posts of mine. You understand how I feel about college in the first place & ultimately why I ignore those type of comments, even the hurtful ones. I will also say that the way I view success differently than most of the college folks around me. I tend to ignore my advisors’ advice because after I’ve been burned, I will not put my hand in the oven again (unless I have a idiot moment. Stupid once, shame on them, stupid twice, SHAME ON ME.). If I fail, I want it to be something I directly did to myself. In addition, you also understand better why I got heavy into modeling gigs.(I also stated it above). If you don’t, read it again. Like I said, I make myself extremely vulnerable in my posts. FYI. And like my third P.S. I would have felt better about my scholarships being taken away from me personally if I partied too much or did something really bad that deserved the punishment. And like I will continue to say in all my posts you ever write, you still don’t know everything.
Let’s go on the other side of the pond. The one with more uplifting and positive energy.
Here’s what I’m hearing from the circles I run in from modeling, acting, etc.
“ You’re a star.”
“ We are interested in your look. Let’s discuss more opportunities. “
“You know what you are doing girl. I don’t have to tell you.”
“ I see myself in you. I used to go through similar things but now my family and friends are wondering what I’m doing..”
“You’re a celebrity already.” (Eh don’t think I’m that popular but I’m really happy to be doing what I love and getting paid for it and still having a normal life. If fame comes with it, that’s a bonus but it’s not what I’m ultimately after. I’ve learned to fall in love with the process. Involving myself with modeling, acting really gets my mind off college stuff and all the other things happening. They are my passions.)
“I’m happy for you.”
“I appreciate you.”
“Your work ethic is out of this world.”
“We are working on your behalf.”
“I can take you places with the way you think.”
Now, after looking at these two paragraphs, which ones are you more prone to listen to? People telling you negative things and how much of a failure you are; or people telling you that even though things are hard now, things will get better and being positive? And what can we do to solve this problem? Obviously I’m going to keep heading towards the positive energy. I haven’t even really told any family members or friends none of this (or some of the interesting things that I was told by some college people this semester.)
I was recently on a camping trip, new member leadership retreat with the newest members of APO AG at camp buffalo. I decided to lose myself in the forest that night on purpose. If you are in the city, more in likely you can’t see the stars like this. In those two hours, I was talking to God (and trying to start a campfire).
I said God, I can be the #1 f*** up in college courses. Ive gotten used to failures, and less than ideal grades. I think the suicides and attempted suicides of my friends, the shootings, and the family deaths and issues all at once this year are really hurting me inside really bad. With you I continue to be strong despite the pain. But please help me be successful in being PT and in this modeling thing at least (and if you want to, passing grades. I won’t be picky about that. Cs are perfect in my current state of mind and with me getting $ for school). My org did elect me to this position; they trusted a nut to be their female PT. I can’t let them down despite everything going wrong with me. I want to finish strong. I worry that I’m personally losing some steam; I notice some friends telling me that I have the “tired” look on me.
As far as modeling goes, let me know what you think about that? I want to spoil my friends and family rotten one day soon. But the biggest thing is paying for school for this and next semester. I’m a little short but if I keep going at this rate I feel like I can pay off school and then some.
As soon as I out there for a while I heard someone yell “Alesha” and I’m thinking God, I’m never lost with you but my bros think I’m lost, let me head back. I had no service so I couldn’t really call or text people to tell them that I was fine.
One of my bros was like “ Alesha, are you crazy “I responded “Yes I am.” What I didn’t tell them that I’m crazy for peace, quiet, and prayer. Ever since I attended awakening I’ve been making a point to get away for prayer at least. I submitted so many prayer requests recently. Don’t underestimate the power of prayer.
As soon as I came back, and uploaded more photos from that Oct 24th, 2014 shoot, I got even more emails for more models gigs. He answered my prayers in a quick and unexpected way. The amount of gigs coming my way is starting to blow my mind.
A crazier twist. As soon as I posted those photos, some people from my college reached out to me. I find it a little strange that they would reach out to me in the first place, yet especially around the time I’m getting more gigs in the real world. I think several of them are thinking about it & they are taking notice BUT.
Take a walk in my shoes for a minute. Esp other college students and people out there who been told they won’t amount to much;
Most of these people really don’t give me the time of day; (for the few that do, thank you.) several of them told me how much of a failure I am and I won’t be successful; I apparently don’t work hard enough; I’m a waste of their time, and they imply that. So if I’m a waste of time and I’ll never be anything then why in the world would they take a interest in me now and want me as their mentee? Do you understand why I avoid the negative energy and find it wierd they are reaching out to me? I don’t come around much because I felt limited and I reached out to other people elsewhere, here lately I’ve been connecting with Chicago the most. I’ve taken additional steps on my end to get the gigs I’m getting. P.S. Sitting on my ass and saying magic words did not bring me gigs. Putting myself out there and being at the right place at the right time is doing me wonders.
So to be honest, when my bros came out looking for me, it really meant a lot. I didn’t say anything at the time. To be embraced and cared for in an college environment where I usually don’t get much play means the world. I was thinking “damn they actually cared enough about my ass to send out a search party for me?” There are many times in college where I think they don’t give a damn; I basically lost a scholarship due to me going to family funerals. What’s ironic is I did skip a family funeral to attend class events and apo overnighter once. I did not get into this much trouble. Or get emails in red bold letters saying I’ll get canceled or dropped if I don’t pay this or do this. Conflicted in my head? Absolutely. I did tell my mom that if another funeral happens I don’t know if I should or could go if and only if I’m still in school. I don’t regret choosing family over classes; because we are not all close to each other and events like that bring us together. I regret having faith in college. Period.
See, I’m the only child growing up and I’m used to fending for myself. I love people in cliques (I think they are adorable and cute for being so close and having nicknames), but I’m not a cliquish person. I’m not going to be super annoying to try to fit in, even if I want to hang out with them. There’s people that I admire that I would love to hang out with. Like I said before some people that I admire also have kicked me to the side; they say they love me but is love avoiding you in public places? When I sense that someone doesn’t want to be bothered I do us both a favor and keep my distance, even if I care. It’s not that I hate them but it’s bad trying to be in someone’s life that don’t want to be bothered; I don’t think I make the top 10 list in but regardless I love them from a far & they are a source of peace for me in the madness. I really was cut out a lot so not feeling welcomed is a normal thing for me. I really show love, but especially those who mean a lot to me. To the people that really care don’t take my solo ways personally; I’ve had people let me down so many times that doing things on my own is the norm. So I got a little off subject in the last 2 paragraphs but again you get why I’m used to being on my own and I find it nuts that they are reaching out to me, the one that they see as a “failure”. If you don’t expect much out of me then why would you care about what I’m doing? Like I said before I have not announced every single modeling gig/entertainment gig that I’m looking into; in addition I have not gone out of my way to announce these things in my department(s) (because I’m currently a double major). I’m definitely not telling them things, they are either finding out through mutual friends or the few times that I do post on Facebook and elsewhere. The only way they might be able to get me to respond is talking to my apo bros, awakening peeps, or friends that are close to me. Maybe. They might be able to wear my ass out to get me to do something haha. But even they are in the dark with everything happening so I imagine they would probably say something like “Why don’t you support our school, etc.” I would say well…..
To my real friends that are saying all the nice things to me, especially when it comes to this recent photo shoot. It means a lot. I support you and your dreams; but I’m going really hard on my dreams on the outside. You’re getting play at the college level don’t ever mess it up lol. Inside, I realize I need some help from people and I can’t live life not trusting anybody. But I’ve also been hesitant at college (and I hope you understand why at this point, I’ve said it countless times). Having a support system makes a difference.
I sense something happening with entertainment. I see it in my mind but I’m rewinding to where I currently am and taking the necessary steps to make the vision in my head a reality.
Now. One more thing I want to say. I feel for some of my other friends because some of them went through horrible things in college and elsewhere. They spend so much time writing long dragged out status about who f***** them over and how they felt behind, etc. If any of you been reading these blogger posts of mine, college has not been a cakewalk for me either. It’s been really painful.
Being successful is the best revenge. I normally do not give people advice unless they ask me, but that is what I would tell them right off the bat.
Instead of spending so much time writing long dragged out Facebook statuses about who did what to you or why others have an advantage over you, be successful in your fields. I know it’s easier said than done. I have every reason in the world to be upset at my college just like you. And trust me when I say many of the things that’s happened to me does not make me happy at all, it also doesn’t help that I have people in my life that don’t get it. The pure act of admiring my friend’s successes and wishing I could do some of the things they did in college does not mean success for me. So I’m taking ownership of my career. I think I’m making more noise and more of a impact by having some success with modeling and other things, without their help. Me posting statuses, being bitter and angry, is not productive for me. The bitter cycle is something that you have to recognize in yourself and rise above it; you have to train yourself to do this; I put my energy towards casting calls/getting in touch with people in the entertainment industry that can get me the places I want to go. I’m finding that more doors are opening for me. When I enter the audition room, everything that I mention from my posts scatter from my mind for those 2 to 10 minutes of my life. Well, if I need emotions I pull from those college experiences but when I’m in the moment nothing else matters. So even though I find my college experience nightmarish on several levels, I believe in myself enough to keep working at it. I’ve done my research; some of the most successful people we see today are so successful because they ignored opposition around them and did what they wanted to do. So just food for thought to think about.
55% of my time is spent on modeling/entertainment. Won’t lie.
45% college home work and mix in PT stuff (Can’t lie. It would be more if I didn’t have to travel for modeling gigs. Not sorry for the gigs. You do what you have to do. Life throw me curve balls and I handle them accordingly.)
Oh, I also want to say that I’m working on a new song for #BuryMyDipolmaBesidesYou. It’s deep. The only way you would know about that is reading this. I made the beat for it. :) I wanted to write this post because it’s been a while (Like over two months since The moments I thought I would no longer be APO AG’s PT). Hope Halloween was great!
Just as I was publishing this, a friend posted this on her wall. “No matter how lost or upset you feel, just keep focused on your passion and vision. Because no matter how LONG it takes, you will soon find that vision and passion your reality.”
Very true. One last link for you to read. Thank you for writing this.
Keep loving life and living the dream peeps.