Grief Quotes From My Email

When the grief emails helped more than the people.

I first signed up July 14th, 2021, and that day’s email hit close to home.

“I will not say, do not weep, for not all tears are an evil.”

- J.R.R. Tolkien

You may be trying to hide your tears. It might feel like you are being strong by not crying. To cry is not to be weak, but rather to release your sorrow so that you can let go of it and move forward. You may need to cry every day. Cry…but then dry your eyes and live your life with joy until the next time you need to shed the inevitable tears that come with the grieving process. Crying is a natural part of healing. Cry, but then laugh and smile as you live a full and meaningful life.

*For full disclosure, I’m not a big crier, and if I do I prefer to do it around people I trust.

“The pleasure of remembering had been taken from me, because there was no longer anyone to remember with. It felt like losing your co-rememberer meant losing the memory itself, as if the things we’d done were less real and important than they had been hours before.”

- John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

An integral part of sharing a relationship with someone is building memories together. The loss of a friend or loved one means the loss of reliving those joint experiences. It is the everyday parts of life, be it running into someone at the market or seeing a favorite movie, that can be hardest to bear.

Keep a memories journal as a place to write down these stories as they trigger in your memory. This book can be a place to write how you are feeling or even just how much you miss that special person. Journaling brings healing and gives you a positive outlet for these strong emotions.

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly — that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”

- Anne Lamott

Living with loss changes you. You see both joys and sorrows with a new perspective, and a greater appreciation of their importance. The loss of someone heightens your feelings towards those who are still a part of your life. To love and care with an open heart is one of the gifts afforded you by suffering through the pain of grieving.

Date Received: July 16th, 2021

“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.”

- Leo Tolstoy

When we love someone — be it a friend, family member, or spouse — we open ourselves up to the potential for loss. Yet, we take the plunge, and embrace these relationships, for it is through these connections that we really live. The pain of loss feels insurmountable, but opening your heart to friendship and to love are the keys to truly living again.

Date Received: July 17th, 2021

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”

- C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

You may be asking yourself how you can possibly move on with your life. Your world has changed, and this new reality is unbearable. Try to recognize that a big part of how you are feeling is fear. You may be afraid that you will never experience joy again, that you will never want to participate in activities that used to bring you pleasure, or that you will never connect to others as you once did. Be patient with yourself. The early days can feel unbearable…with each one as overwhelming as the one before. The process of grief takes time, perhaps longer than you might expect.

You do not need to feel afraid, because you are not alone. Others feel as you do. You may want to reach out to a support group in your area to talk with people who are also experiencing loss. You do not need to be frightened, because there are many people who feel as you do right now.

Date Received: July 18th, 2021

“When someone you love dies, and you’re not expecting it, you don’t lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time — the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes — when there’s a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she’s gone, forever — there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.”

- John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany

To see the clothes in the closet, the handwriting that is so familiar on scraps of paper around the house, and the small unfinished tasks left behind can be so bittersweet. You want to see the familiar, the mundane, to feel like life has not changed. The sadness comes from knowing that there are no new stories or everyday items to keep your connection alive.

As time passes, you will find strength in these items. Treasure the sights, the smells, the small pieces of your loved ones. Make a memory box to keep them for the times you need to feel your connection in a tangible way. As time passes, you won’t need to look as often, but there is comfort in knowing they are there if you do.

Date Received: July 19th, 2021

“Grief is not as heavy as guilt, but it takes more away from you.”

- Veronica Roth, Insurgent

When you experience such a profound loss, you have a kind of heaviness in your heart that feels permanent. It seems as if it will smother you with its intensity at times, and makes you question if it will ever lighten.

The light will return. It may not be today, and it may not be tomorrow. The key is to keep moving forward, trying to really live in each moment. Grief is a heavy burden, but it will morph into one that you can carry given time.

Date Received: July 20th, 2021

“Grief can destroy you — or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn’t allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it. But when it’s over and you’re alone, you begin to see that it wasn’t just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill. It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can’t get off your knees for a long time, you’re driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life.”

- Dean Koontz, Odd Hours

Look back at your friendship, your love, and your caring for the one who has passed on. Celebrate what made it great. Share your stories with those who knew that person and are feeling the loss as well. Look for online forums as places to commiserate with others who are grieving. Taking active steps to cope with your sense of sadness will help you to heal and help others to feel less alone.

Date Received: July 21st, 2021