You’re not alone.
Happy Mother’s Day To All The Moms out there. This goes for moms to be and maternal figures, aunties and more!
I keep seeing the "this is what 10 cm dilation looks like" post telling you to buy something nice for Mother’s Day. This is a friendly reminder that not all mothers had a vaginal birth, and not all mothers went through pregnancy. That’s not what defines you as a mother. All moms should be celebrated this weekend!-Ashley Jones Floreancig
Happy Mother’s Day Moms!
Happy Mother’s Day Animal Moms!
In the spirit of Anna Jarvis, the childless aunt of many nieces and nephews, who founded Mother’s Day in 1914 in honor of all mothers, living or dead, I hope all the maternal women in children’s lives — all the aunts, great-aunts, godmothers and women in general who offer their love to children not-their-own — are remembered this Mother’s Day.-Melanie Notkin
For all the aunties out there passing on family traditions to their nieces and nephews. For passing on your knowledge and wisdom. For stepping in to help out mom and dad. For caring for these children as they grow and develop with unconditional love and support. Happy Mother’s Day, you are loved. Thank you Savvy Aunties and Rich Auntie Supremes! :D
I wanted to give a shout to a few more groups, because you’re not alone and forgotten. For many, Mother’s Day is a painful reminder of what never was or what no longer is and what never will be. For many out there, Mother’s Day can be awful. With the constant advertisements, mother’s day promotions, motherhood images constantly being shown, it can be hurtful when it’s blown up in your face.
Some people have lost their mother, and cannot spend mother’s day with their mom.
Others have loss a child in pregnancy. (You might be invisible to most, but you are still a mother).
Others may have loss a child and they passed away.
Some may not be close to their mother and this is a day that you want to move along quickly.
Others may want children, but struggle with infertility and can’t have them.
Well meaning friends, family and acquaintances may ask you about starting your family, and they have no idea on the pain, isolation and struggle you are dealing with behind closed doors.
Mothers definitely deserve this day. I don’t want to take it away from you lovely mommas. But for those who desire motherhood especially, Mother’s Day can feel like your contributions to the kids in your lives (i.e neices, nephews, cousins, etc),goes unappreciated, overlooked and unacknowledged.
If you lost a child or can’t have children, it can feel isolating and lonely.
(Some women don’t want children, and I’ll make a post for you lovely ladies later).
I wanted to write this love note so you can remember you are not alone and you are loved.
If you are having a hard time during Mother’s Day:
- Reach out to your support group. (It’s hard for me to write out that advice I can be really bad at shutting people out and asking for help generally, so this one is personally hard on me. I hate to admit that this is advice I have a hard time following on any level)
- Do some extra self-care today. Book the spa, pedicure, medicure, and go all out.
- If you can, take a vacation to your favorite vacation spot and rotate every year if you can. A change of scenery to get your mind off things can be good.
- Start a new tradition (rock climbing, crocheting, frog catching, tree climbing, etc) and skip the Mother’s Day brunch.
- Go into nature and let the sounds of the wind captivate you. If your cell phone has no reception and you are preoccupied with the sounds of nature, mother’s day will pass by and put your mind at ease. You won’t see images in your feed of friends and their families, and you won’t feel left out.
What does a mother do on Mother’s Day if she is a bereaved mom? Or if the mom recently loss a child? Or years later even?
(In full disclosure I really don’t know what this is like. It’s impossible to know what losing a child is like unless you been through it yourself. My family has experiences a lot of deaths of children over the years, so I asked around in my family, remember what they said over the years and looked online.)
- Reach out months later. People start to move on with their lives and it’s hurtful that a few months later people stop getting in touch. In the first few weeks, everyone is in touch, coming to the funeral services and giving us hugs, then it suddenly stops. We will hurt for the rest of our lives, reach out years after the fact too.
- Celebrate our deceased children’s birthday (only if they are comfortable)
- Cook meals for them/order a meal plan months later.
- Sponsor some sort of vacation if possible.
- Drive them to a therapy session/go with them. (Another sidenote some people in my family think that therapy is taboo and means you are weak. Others are on board. Go to therapy if you need and ignore the judgement, easier said than done I know).
- Put flowers on the children’s gravesite.
- Start a foundation/memorial fund/scholarship in child’s honor.
- Go on a cruise.
- Give them plenty of hugs and keep the tissues nearby.
- Hug them year around and years later.
- Hangout with them, even if they are not a lot of fun or don’t have the energy.
- Don’t avoid them. The passing of a child forever changes their lives, and by distancing yourself from them they will feel more isolated.
- Accompany them on a walk, go to the movies, attend a support group, and invite them out for coffee. Take them to dinner. Buy them meals. Your friendship and support is the best therapy.
- You will give more than you can get. They will only have the energy to take care of themselves. And they won’t have much motivation to do anything else. And will need you to show them continuous and unconditional love.
- Tell them what was special about their child; Tell them how their child made a difference;
- Purchase a beautiful card: blank inside, or a thinking-of-you card. Write a message, beginning your note by acknowledging that this is a hard day. Let the mom know that you are thinking of her, her family, and dear baby/son/daughter by name and express your care or love for them.
- Deliver a bouquet of flowers or send a floral arrangement. Your note can be a simple: “Thinking of you today and your sweet baby/son/daughter by name with love.”
- Bring the mom a flowering hanging plant, one she can enjoy all spring long.
- Invite the mom to brunch or dinner. If she declines, let her know you understand and will be thinking of her.
- Give the mom a gift card for a manicure, or schedule a date for the two of you and treat her to a manicure.
If you don’t have your mother for Mother’s Day.
- My mom went to a bereavement program for my granny a few times the past couple of years. (Posted photos below.)
2. Create a little poster for your mom/loved one like this.
3. Plant a flower, tree, or memorial garden that will remind you of your mother.
4. Donate flowers to a church/organization in her honor.
5. Create a “sacred space” to contain cards, letters, special photos, objects, her hobbies/ favorite things, “wish” boxes. Change it around and renew in order to reflect your healing and journey through grief.
6. Make a donation to her favorite causes and charities.
7. Create a scrap book.
8. Take a trip to her favorite place/vacation spot/etc, somewhere that she loved in life. Do in this in memory/remembrance of…
9. Go to the make a bear workshop/find a special stuffed animal and give it many hugs and kisses in memory of her.
10. Write a letter to update her on how the year has gone since you last wrote. Trust that the angels will deliver it. Repeat.
11. Make a quilt of photos, and material from her garments.
12. Listen to the music she liked.
13. Host an event in her name for a group or charity.
Death is nothing at all; I have only slipped in the next room.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way which you always used.
Laugh as we always laughed together.
Play, Smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be the household word it always was.
Let it be spoken without effort.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was; there is absolutely unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of your mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval somewhere very near just around the corner.
All is well. Nothing is past; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as before only better, infinitely happier and we will all be one with Christ.
Love doesn’t die, people do.
So when all that’s left of me is love, give me away as best as you can.
I’ll see you at home, where I’ll be waiting.
If you loss a child in pregnancy.
Some churches could be more sensitive when it comes to Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. If the church still wants to give a special blessing, what about asking all the women to stand up for Mother’s Day? That would include women who have not had the chance to be pregnant but want it more than anything, women who have lost pregnancies, women who have had babies born still, women whose child died before they did. There are invisible mamas in these crowds and not all can show proof of their motherhood with a tangible child at their hand.-Suchot Sunday, The Curious Frugal
Like the last time, I wasn’t sure how to approach this one, because like a child passing away, I don’t know what miscarriage is like, but just supported family that it happened to. And some friends that told me. I had some help with this one like the other categories, let me know if I’m missing something.
- Don’t put yourself last. Put your needs first. On Mother’s Day and every holiday.
- Connect with other women going through their own struggles on Mother’s Day to feel less alone.
- Sleep in instead of going to Mother’s Day church services.
- Be nice to yourself.
- Talk to a friend who has been through pregnancy loss. It can really help to have a community of real-life friends who truly understand what you are going through.
- Try to really tune into what you need on Mother’s Day and how much you are emotionally able to be around other people.
How to Support A Friend Who Loss A Child During Pregnancy On Mother’s Day (And Every Other Day)
- Bring your friend/family members meals, because they may not have the energy or want to eat.
- Let her take the lead on how often and if she wants to talk to you about it. Let her know you are there for her to talk if needed.
- Keep inviting her out to things.
- Reach out and show her you care, even if she doesn’t respond back. It’s touching to know that you care. If they don’t want to be bothered, they won’t respond.
- One of the best gifts you can give your friend is to simply sit and just listen to her.
- Find out how she’s feeling on Mother’s Day and respect her wishes. Ask her if she wants to celebrate Mother’s Day or if she wants it to be a quiet day.
- No matter what (very first child, or fourth), losing a kid to miscarriage or stillborn is devastating. Don’t brush her feelings under the rug, or tell someone that there will be other children, or “no worries, you will get pregnant again.”. Or you can try again in a bit. Don’t say these things.
Better things to say:
- “I’m sorry.”
- “Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.”
- “What can I do for you?”
- “It’s OK to cry and it’s OK to hurt.”
- “I miss (insert name), too.”
- “I don’t know what I should say.” (Honesty is always best.)
- “You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.”
- “Let me know when you want to talk.”
8. Unless you have gone through a similar loss, then it is best not to say you understand.
9. Do something to honor her and her loss, year around. Send flowers or something a little bit before hand, and then do something on other holidays too.
10. If she wants you to, pack up her baby stuff for her. Looking at baby stuff may be painful, so helping her or doing it for her will be helpful.
11. Continuing to give them offers to help with things like child care or errand running.
12. Along with #10. Use your sixth sense. Sometimes you can just feel deep in your gut that your friend needs your help, even though she hasn’t requested it. You know, that feeling in your heart (or that look in her eyes) that she’s sad, overwhelmed, whether with school duties, family obligations, or other things, as well as grieving the loss of her baby, try to step in with a bit of help. For example, one thing you could do would be to order meals to put in her fridge that she can serve her family for dinner. Or do the laundry, sweep, clean and let her rest.
(As a strong person, I do not ask for help like I should because I don’t want to be a burden. I’m bad at reaching out.)
13. Anything I’m missing?
14. Offer the help months down the road after the miscarriage/stillbirth happened. Even years. The offers of “Let me know if you need anything,” will be far less occurring than when they were right after her loss. During these months, where things are becoming more normal (but they’re nowhere near normal), random acts of kindness will be so meaningful. Bring flowers, text randomly telling her you’re thinking of her, send cards. Remind her that you still remember that she suffered a loss, and you’re there for her however she might need you. Try to be purposeful in creating tea and lunch dates, and continue to recognize dates that may be hard for her (her due date, Mother’s Day, holidays, etc.) with gestures that show you remember her loss and honor her feelings.
Again if I’m missing something let me know.
If you don’t get along with your mother
10 Ways to Mother Yourself
Mothering takes many shapes and forms. As an adult you may be a mother to babies, art projects or entrepreneurial…
A bit more advice to those of us struggling with infertility this Mother’s Day (mostly from Psychology Today):
- Recognize — don’t ignore — your feelings. These feelings are valid and understandable but they won’t kill you (they’ll only try to).
- Practice validating, compassionate self-talk.
- Give yourself permission to cope in whatever way feels healthy. Schedule a spa day and skip the Mother’s Day brunch. Spend the day at a comedy club with those who love you.
- Be yourself.
- Talk with someone.
If you know someone personally struggling…
- Get in touch with them and let them know you are thinking of them. It can replace the card, brunch, flowers and attention they won’t receive for being a mother.
- Spend some time with them outside mother’s day. Other holidays can be hard also, especially if they want to be a mom but can’t be. They are not experiencing the pitter patter of tiny feet around the Easter egg hunts, Christmas trees, birthday parties and so on. They won’t attend graduations, weddings, special occasions, kids artwork on the fridge and so on.
- Include them as much as possible.
3a. Seeing them around your family when they can’t have one themselves may be too painful to bear. If you invite them and they turn it down, don’t take it personally. Still invite them and include them.
4. Check in on them on a regular basis. Even if they don’t respond, it’s nice to know that you are cared for.
Friendly reminder: Am I missing something? Let me know below.
I’m not sure where to put this, but I’m going to include them here. I just saw this on Facebook before publishing this.
It’s 2021 🔥🙌
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Interested in what I done? Check out my LinkedIn profile I barely use lol. I’ll update it to add the new current businesses I’m working on one of these days.