I Also Know What Friendship Isn’t
The Paradox of Kindness: How to be kind without letting others hurt you
Being nice and considerate is undoubtedly a good thing. It shows you care for the people around you. But extremes of anything are always harmful.
When you’re too kind…
- You might end up in connections where you’re over-giving without getting the same kindness and generosity back.
- You may get so caught up in giving love and kindness to others that you forget to practice the same kindness with yourself.
- Selfish people (there are many in this world) might take advantage of your kindness and compassion.
- People who believe ‘kindness is weakness’ may end up hurting you.
Facts:
Being a friend doesn’t guarantee you’ll have friends.
Healthy friendships are rare because they require the kind of adamant affection and understanding that most people are too busy to offer each other. Too busy being envious, being stressed, being overwhelmed by their own shortcomings and failed attempts at happiness.
Too many people front appearances, trying to fit in and be liked by people that don’t care about them.
My friendship history (In A Nutshell To Keep It Short):
In my early years, several so called best friends were backstabbers, jealous, and convinced the other people to be the same way. No one took the time to really think for themselves. Or consider my side of the story.
The friendships were one sided, I cared way too much.
I ran in several circles and didn’t feel any support or true friendships. When problems came up, people disappeared, or where there for other mutual friends, but never showed up for me in the same way. Poll: How many of you are the strong friend in your group(s). You were there for others, but they wasn’t there for you?
I’m a giver, but I limit who I show my giving side to. Too many times I was taken advantage of and used, and that shit has to stop.
I do have true friends now, and it made me realize what friendship isn’t.
It takes a while for people to get in my inner circle. I have friends that I see once a year. I also have people that when we are in the same city we make an effort to see each other.
To read my body of work on friendships, go to this list.
(And there’s links to my other friendship articles in a few of these).
I know when I’m safe when:
I can tell you a secret and it doesn’t go anywhere.
When I’m not required to offer services just to be in that person’s company.
Some of the services that too many fake friends love most (According to Natasha Lake):
- Pro Bono Therapist- we’ve all been there. Being a good listener is such an admirable trait until somebody manipulates you into hearing them vent about the same issue a dozen times, knowing they have no intention to make healthy changes. They just crave opportunities to complain as often as possible, for free.
- Faux Mom- some friends want to be in nurturing relationships with a maternal figure so they won’t have to take accountability for their own actions. They’re hoping you can offer them guidance. It may seem like an honorable opportunity at first. But, if you’re both the same age and that person isn’t there for you too, it’s an unbalanced dynamic.
- Personal Assistant- the favors always start out small and manageable. But eventually, friends want you to babysit their kids (especially if you’re single and don’t have any of your own). They want you to pick up dinner on the way too. They have you listed as their emergency contact. You’re always available and they plan to use you until their greed exhausts you and the friendship fails.
- “Yes” Man- when the phone rings and it’s that one friend who always wants to be reassured that his choices aren’t catastrophic and his decisions aren’t toxic. Being his friend requires that you’re always ready to soothe his ego when it’s bruised. You have to be capable of convincing him that everybody else is wrong and he’s always, always right.
- Wing Woman- If you want to be a “good” friend, you’ll be there for your friends right? They’ll be able to call you at the last minute and ask you to be in their weddings, go on expensive trips overseas, go out to dinner, join them at happy hour, and help host their baby showers. Being a wing woman means you’re willing to be present and go broke just to be there for people who are rarely available to do the same for you.
In times like these, companionship is a valuable opportunity to share moments and heal with people who are willing to show up for you as you show up for them. Not everybody who shows up at your door when you’re ready to embrace community and create relationships is authentic.
I spent too many years surrounded by people, feeling completely alone.
I had to burn bridges that provided quick and convenient access to my past, the place where I wasn’t required to take responsibility for my own joy or get to know myself.
Once that shortcut back to my toxic habits wasn’t available to me anymore, I took time to examine my addictions. I realized that most of the binds I’d labeled friendship were codependent contracts.
Love is the only thing keeping me anchored here. Being available to love is one of the many perks of healing and restorative self-acceptance. I know how to enjoy a mutual, nurturing friendship now.
Every once in a while, I had to fuck someone back for messing with me first. Sometimes it’s really best to walk away, and be the bigger person. Other times it best to fight back, because it’s not ok to let people walk all over you. Let me explain a story of why I did fight back.
if somebody hurts you, you hurt them twice as badly. He called this the double get-back.
I worked with a job sometimes because I thought it was cool, and I like to get out of the house. I formed a friendship with a girl that ended up turning supervisor.
I was warned that she was a backstabber and a cut throat. She shared some secrets with me, I shared some secrets with her. FYI. I do not trust easy and I keep most at a distance to keep from getting burned. I read in an blog post that if you have a hard time trusting, try to share things that you wouldn’t mind them knowing, even if the friendship/relationship ended. It’s so bad that I assume at one point or another most people will book.
But it went to a whole new level. I grabbed some bags that exhibitors were giving away anyways on the way to the restroom. (Later on that day I had an medical crisis. Since 25, I’ve had to go in for surgeries and it will be something I deal with for the rest of my life).
She blew it out of portion, got angry, called me a liar in front of a bunch of mixed company. I kept my cool because we were at work, but later on at that year’s Gen Con I gave her and the other lady a piece of my mind).
After all of that, I didn’t see her the same way. To report me and throw me under the bus just to keep her job is ridiculous.
#1.
I didn’t embrace what friendship is, until I accepted what friendship isn’t.
References:
It’s 2022 at the time of this writing, but by the time you read it, it will be 2023. I had to write a ton of content ahead of time to stay consistent despite what’s happening. 🔥🙌
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