I didn’t realize that what happened to me is considered sexual assault.
No wonder I’ve always felt uncomfortable working in Indianapolis after that happened.
I swiped my card and went up to the recording studio. I stopped by the office. As I was opening the door, I said boo. I love pranking people and having fun entrances.
He was like nah, you didn’t scare me. He said “Trying to be scary?”
And right before I had the chance to react or move out the way, he kissed me.
I’m like yuck. Why in the hell did this happen. I was not amused. It felt very weird and very uncomfortable.
What happened to Brianna Hamblin disgusted me. Because it happened to me multiple times. Then I started thinking. Does that incident and several others fall under the harassment category or assault category? Or annoyance?
Sexual Assault:
Sexual assault is any unwanted sexual attention, touch, or act that is forced on you without your consent. The offender may use threats, physical force, weapons, or coercion. The assault may be physical or non-physical. Such assaults include rape, child molestation, incest, and sexual harassment. Acts such as people touching, fondling, or kissing you without your permission are sexual assaults. Sexual assault is a terrifying and often brutal crime. Assailants can be strangers, acquaintances, friends, or family members. Victims and those who love them share the devastating effects of sexual assault.
Holy shit.
I will tell you I felt grossed out and disgusted after that.
I stood there for a second thinking and trying to process (and washed that part of my face off with soap and water because I’m a germaphobe, not sure what kind of ebbie geebies he had).
I was seeing another guy at the time, and the attention was always unwanted. I NEVER was into him. And this was not gonna make me like him. Like when I think of him now, I want to make myself puke.
What disgusts me more is that he had my image on his webpage for years after I got away from him and completely stopped contacting him for any reason (got an insider tip about it and everyone, his friends and mutual friends suggested I keep my distance so I have and continue to do so. He doesn’t get that I’m not into him at all). The website is now deleted, thank God. I hope it stays deleted.
I want to believe he didn’t like me in that way, but too many things have transpired that tells me otherwise.
It’s how he smiled when someone suggested we should be setup on a date and as bf/gf.
It’s how he kept asking to meet my man at the time (and I told him to f*** off, my private life is private).
Literally disgusting and disgusted at him. 🤢🤮
I still got this comment.
“But Alesha he’s a nice guy and you’re being passive aggressive.”
Simply because I want guys to stop putting their hands on me, or my butt in a sexual manner and when I make a decision to stay away from them or situations that screams inappropriate or dangerous? I gotta protect myself because no one in this world is gonna do it for me.
I had to explain to some of my acting friends that work with him still that I don’t want him talking with me at all and I don’t want to be in contact, by liking a post they are tagged in will get his gears rolling and hell no to sharing anything of his. He hasn’t reached out to me at all and I want it to remain that way. (Some people like attention at any costs, and I’m not one of them. Some women like attention from men at any costs, and I’m not one of those either.)
Every time I work on a project in Indy, I’m looking over my shoulder, and I keep one hand on the pepper spray. I’m almost to the point where I bring people with me, and I no longer record in person there. In fact I keep a very low profile in Indianapolis and I work with my agent. I get outta there as much as humanly possible. I limit my time there.
Hello Chicago. My new hangout.
I love bars but I cut back on going to Indy bars even. I decided to save my love for LA and NYC. And other places where I don’t feel creeped out.
I’ve taken on a hybrid martial arts and started my gun permit process. My senseis say it’s gonna take a bit, but I’ll be street fighter ready, and they will up the anty when I can train in Japan.
Street fighter sounds bad ass, it’s a by product of what I really want. Peace of mind on film sets and recording studios. The measures I’m having to take to feel safe, even at home is ridiculous.
Hey bitch.
Yeah bitch, I’m talking to you.
Oh lawd, here we go again.
We were sitting on the bench minding our business before a meeting and audition outside of Indy.
I’m ready to fight someone bitch, and it’s about to be you.
No the hell it’s not.
I felt him etching closer to me and my mom and said holy shit. I’m not in any position to fight. (I just entered my martial arts class and do not know enough, still on first week).
The other ladies around said the same thing to them in recent weeks.
We got security and got him kicked out.
He was yelling bitch as he was getting escorted off the property.
Me and the other ladies looked at each other like what the hell brought that on?
We ran into him again a 2nd time. This time we had no back up. Or no group.
Hey bitch.
There’s a bitch.
Fuck you bitch
Imma fuck you up bitch.
We made a mad dash into the hotel. Was not in the mode for a fight.
Then wait.
After all that, we ran into him a third time (lucky us). Looked us straight in the face, and acted like he didn’t know who we was.
I’m done.
Sometimes I’m done with Indianapolis. As bad as people say people are other places, I’ve had some of the worst experiences in Indianapolis. (But I will always vouch for the food, and the fair, my family, friends and WTHR).
It’s reasons like this that I will keep a low profile and proceed accordingly.
ALWAYS ASK PERMISSION.
It’s interesting because I’m on Bumble right now, and in my bio I make it clear that I just want friends. (Bumble BFF is cool too). I fly under the radar and my acting, music, and fitness schedule keeps me busy. I don’t have the time.
Whatever happened to just taking your time to get to know someone? I’m to the point where I’m on Bumble not to size someone up as husband or boyfriend, but to connect with someone as a human being. I tell people that I’m looking for friends and they sometimes get a little weird lol and creepy. A lot of my friends and close friends are expecting or have kids, and they won’t have the time for me like they used to, so I’m sticking my neck out here trying to meet more people. I’m not saying I’m going to run out to bars every weekend (because when I’m recording, auditioning or doing some fitness competition I don’t drink), but I would like to have other groups of friends to have pig runs with just in case my main clan is not available/busy with kids/too tired/don’t want to.
Let me repeat what I’m saying above.
Whatever happened to just taking your time to get to know someone? I’m to the point where I’m on Bumble not to size someone up as husband or boyfriend, but to connect with someone as a human being?. I tell people that I’m looking for friends and they sometimes get a little weird lol and creepy. A lot of my friends and close friends are expecting and have kids, and they won’t have the time for me like they used to, so I’m sticking my neck out here trying to meet more people. I’m not saying I’m going to run out to bars every weekend (because when I’m recording, auditioning or doing some fitness competition I don’t drink), but I would like to have other groups of friends to have pig runs with just in case my main clan is not available/busy with kids/too tired/don’t want to.
Oh lawdz, I’m to the point.
I always ask if people want to hug, shake their hand or do a fist pump as a greeting.
Or before I kiss a guy, I will ask if it’s ok. Instead of just going for it.
Friendly flirting during competitions has happened, but I asked first. I’m getting to a point where I ask a guy if it’s ok I call him beautiful. ASK PERMISSION and get consent.
I have to be honest. I’m supposed to be going to some bachelorette parties in Indianapolis, Nashville, Atlanta, and Los Angeles. Not sure if I’ll feel super safe until I get the self defense classes and the gun permit.
I keep seeing a lot of angel numbers lately. As soon as I saw the 333 number, I got another audition. And after reading this, it also suggests I should be more social, speak my truth, and then some. I did create a Youtube channel in conjunction with this to speak my bluntness.
It claims despite the vastness of the universe, you’re never alone. Well being the only child growing up, my alone time is second nature.
Advantages I wish I had. (Some of these are not related to the article, but wanted to add them in anyways. Trigger Warning.)
Sure, having privilege doesn’t mean that everything is easy, perfect or that you don’t need to work to achieve things, but certainly make things easier. And let’s be honest, I wouldn’t mind the freedom men get not having to worry about being harassed or raped. Walking home alone at night without fear of simple being able to speak your mind and ask for raised without being considered “difficult” and being instead considered “assertive”.-Elisa Marino
- I would love the freedom that guys get and not have to worry about being harassed or assaulted. I’m one of those women that doesn’t like attention from men, I don’t define my worth based on it or being with one. Before gigs now, I usually think 10 steps ahead. What extra precautionary measures do I have to take to make sure I stay safe?
I used to like recording at night, but due to too many experiences I just retired from that all together, and I send in my vocals. And I’m toying with the idea of mixing and mastering things on my own, which will be long and frustrating.
I would never go to a gas station late at night by myself due to the fear of getting raped or assaulted (again).
But I’m also Black. Being neurotypical doesn’t get me profiled by police, looked at suspiciously (and with disgust or disdain by too many) in public places, way too often, treated with the assumption I’m dumb by people way dumber than me (I’m not dumb, incidentally), ignored by my healthcare providers, condescended to even by people who supposedly know me whenever a new topic is being discussed. Denied opportunity to rent with no apparent cause, treated unprofessionally just about everywhere. I could go on. None of these things happen because I’m neuro atypical, because the majority of them are premised on no action on my part; people make based on the color of my skin; they act surprised when they find out I’m smart (which is fine the first time it happens but grating when it happens repeatedly).-(I forget who said this originally, as soon as I find it I’ll add the person)
Let’s talk about thing we get just for being white: I’m not questioned for being in a nice neighbourhood. It is assumed that I have a right to be there. I can usually skip burocracia or get an easier time at job interviews because I’m assumed to be the "right background" (That is an euphemism that means white, by the way). If I’m a tourist at US, I’m not harassed or assumed an illegal immigrant, hell, I might even get job offers. Hint: that doesn’t happen to other spanish speaking people who aren’t white. I could go on about all the white privilege we have. -(I forget who said this originally, as soon as I find it I’ll add the person)
2. I realize now that most of my experiences in school came from people thinking they were smarter and superior by default. Instead of getting to know me for me, they had an idea of what they thought I should be based on stereotypes and race. While some of my white sisters (and relatives for that matter) from another mother have been the best blessings in my life and I’m lucky to have them; others have ignored me, only wanted to be my friend when it was convenient or maintain an image. I have clearly stated in many of my articles at this point that I pick friends based on content of character, and I also pick friends on the same wavelength and energy. I have so many friends from so many walks of life, experiences and backgrounds.
But I wouldn’t be honest with my Medium readers if I didn’t include this.
This article hits so close to home that I highlighted the first line to remind myself to read it when I can (I haven’t signed up for the Medium membership and I don’t plan to. I want to keep my articles free for readers all over the world). Dear White Women, Here’s Why It’s Hard To Be Friends With You. I’ve had some white ladies accuse me of stalking them because they just didn’t have the balls to say they didn’t want a black friend. Or spread lies in a friend group, and basically everyone blinding believing what they say at face value without batting an eye. Basically everything she’s subscribing hit me to the core.
White women are socialized to keep the status quo. They maintain the patriarchy by “knowing their place” while at the same time relying on white supremacy to keep some sort of power. Their internalized misogyny and (often subconscious) racism teaches them to use the backs of Black women as stairs they need to use to climb closer to the top of the white-male-made hierarchy. However, white men, especially white, cis, straight men, will always be at the top.-Savannah Worley
They never see relational aggression as multiple punches in the face from multiple people. They don’t see gossip as name-calling and shouting. They don’t see passive-aggression as the same as throwing a plate on the ground.
Most of the abuse I’ve experienced from white women came in a covert form. I’ve had nasty rumors spread about me, which ruined me emotionally, socially, and even financially
Passive-aggression isn’t just being indirect or making sarcastic remarks. It can be avoiding somebody, playing the silent treatment, stonewalling, lying (either blatantly or by omission), and other unseen tactics used to maintain total control over a relationship which should involve two people, not just one.
I’ve experienced triangulation, which is where a person within a conflict invites a third party into it instead of dealing with the situation themselves. The person forming the “triangle” controls all of the communication, often telling the third party what a horrible person their (in this context, often imagined) adversary is. It’s a tactic used to alienate and isolate someone.
They did all of that because they felt they were losing control over our friendship or whatever connection we had. White women are taught that they are above Black women and therefore they should have power over us.
You were conditioned to not see us as humans.
It’s not everyone, clearly,. There’s some great people out here. I’ve met some amazing people on here (Medium).
But it’s a pattern that I subconsciously noticed in Alpha Phi Omega, an organization I was in, which I clearly dropped. They assumed that I couldn’t be president because of my skin color (found this out later down the road). There was times when I was not being listened to, and they definitely listened to my white male counterpart (major conscious bias). I can tell I wasn’t given the same benefit of the doubt like my other white peers. You gotta be better. Racial biases was at play, they were more comfortable with voting in another white person. You still get the doubts. There are always gonna be people, because of what you look like, and your skin color, that will question your qualifications. 60 minutes touched on it during their Race In The Ranks story. (I had very similar experiences so I know exactly what they are talking about).
Unfortunately, too many people have a perception that black, Asian, Hispanic, Native American, non white people, can’t be in key leadership positions just because you’re black, Asian, Hispanic, Native American, non white. They just assume that it’s always gonna be somebody else.
Somebody would come out to meet and I wasn’t the person that they walked up to. Even people in my own organization(s) went to my white male counterpart first, or a white male member that wasn’t in the organization(s) for as long as I was. I was being also being condescended to even by people, my own former brothers/people who I was in organizations with who supposedly know me whenever a new topic is being discussed. And way too often, I was also being treated dumb by people dumber than me. (Yes if any of you happen to be reading this, too many of you dummies went along to get along, so I’m calling you out because it’s all stupid. It’s all stupid to assume that people can’t do something because of their skin color. It’s all about the reactions that are beyond your control, imagine people thinking that your stupid, incompetent or physically weaker by default and making a judgment call without getting to know you as a human being? Don’t assume people don’t belong or make them feel as if they’re outsiders. This insider article describes microaggressions so well.)
No matter how much effort and energy I put into APO and other spaces, it was never enough. Nothing I did would ever be enough, because they perceived less from me because I was black. Awards mean nothing if my own brothers kept going behind my back. Working twice as hard to prove their expectations and perceptions of black people was wrong didn’t do it because no matter what I did, they were never satisfied. Throughout my time in Alpha Phi Omega and other spaces, I realized that even if I did do things error free, someone would have found something.
It’s a lifetime of frustration and to this day I’m keeping the conversation going about race relations in the United States as much as possible.
I knew deep in my heart something was up with all this. I really could have made that video hours long when I was first asked “what can I do to help?” during the Black Lives Matter movement. I really could have ripped more people than I did, but I think I made my point.
I’ve experienced it in SO MANY other spaces, which is why I can pick up on it if it happens. What Savannah Worley is describing is another reason why I won’t touch a 9 to 5er. I refuse to deal with any potential office politics, racism, relational aggression, toxic manipulation tactics, gaslighting, triangulation, passive-aggressiveness, microaggressions, silent treatments, stonewalling, lying (either blatantly or by omission), avoidance, emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment and other unseen tactics like internalized misogyny, racial biases and beliefs and then some. I don’t have the patience for it, meaning the rat race, because I dealt with it for years and years in school, from grade school on up. All that is the reason why I’m entrepreneurial, building multiple income streams with acting and music gigs constantly lining up.
You are uncomfortable with having privilege because you have fought for what you have and found difficulties in your path. But other people work as hard and get even less, because they have extra obstacles to overcome. That is life. It might not be your fault, but you benefited from that regardless.-Elisa Marino
As your Black friend I am not here to assuage your guilt, to allow your ignorance nor to provide the diversity for your clique. (I’ll remember the person who quoted this in a bit)
I noticed when I published this article last year, it made quite a few of my white fam and sisters very very uncomfortable, and in turn instead of having a conversation, they distanced themselves from me (totally expected this). Instead of keeping an open mind and using it as an opportunity to be and do better, they felt threatened by it, putting their fragility and feelings first instead of introspection; their knee-jerk reaction was to dismiss it because how dare a black girl try to tell me something, I’m better and smarter than that bitch. Instead of practicing empathy and compassion for someone else’s life stories and experiences, it’s their world, and we are just living in it. We supposed to adjust to them, not the other way around. The passive-aggressive dismissal of the issues is exactly what I was and will continue to address. Instead of being threatened and weighted down with internalized misogyny, white privilege, white supremacy, racial biases and beliefs they continue to go as they were projecting without a second thought.
There’s a lot of life experiences that I haven’t had, but the least I can do is be an listening ear, and show empathy and compassion. I may not understand, but I can be there.
Second group. Started to cry foul and wolf. Their little fractured feelings got hurt. The truth makes them feel guilty, defensive and offended. They see it as a non issue because it doesn’t happen to them and don’t care. Tried to come up with justifications and excuses. Since they are so used to calling the shots, they would hate to make things equal for others, that in turn could mean less for them. Why would they want to change a system that benefits them so much after all? The possibilities of other people getting something and them not getting something is so “scary”. My goodness. (No not all white people are bad. I clearly say in many of my articles I pick friends based on content of character. I have friends from different races, backgrounds, experiences and perspectives. That’s not what the authors of the articles are saying either, but too many of them got so bend out of shape because it made them so uncomfortable that they missed the point…And the fact that they had that sort of reaction and defensiveness to it means they need to look at themselves in the mirror, if it hits close to home then that means they do the stuff that writers describe. Instead of getting offended, they should take the opportunity to learn and grow. Anddd truly make it equal for all, but I guess that’s too much for some of them.)
Consider yourself lucky (and yes, privileged) that you can escape your oppression simply by finding something else to read. The Black and brown writers you are demonizing because the truth makes you feel defensive (or guilty) by association don’t have that luxury. Comments by White people who click on articles looking to be outraged over a topic they would rather pretend is a non-issue because they’re "colorblind" only provide fodder for more articles that will bruise their fragile psyches. If you are going to get behind an "oppressed" group, perhaps you should try getting behind one that is actually oppressed.-Jeremy Helliger
But other friends (my true white soul sistas and soul bros) that I was already super close with we had an honest talk. They didn’t feel threatened at all. They kept an open mind and appreciated me sharing my experiences. (By the way, we don’t always agree on everything-who does-but we are at the point where we can openly discuss anything comfortably.) Also, some of the wokest people I’ve met have been on Medium.
You can quickly tell who’s trying to make an effort and who isn’t. Cynthia is one of the good ones that’s honestly self aware. And too many times, the people who posted the black boxes were the worst. In my case, I have too many of them posting black boxes, then going back and doing the same racist behaviors as stated above. To make long term change, you got to do the uncomfortable inner work. And quit running from the hard issues. And quit trying to silence someone with the court system just because it makes you feel uncomfortable. A couple of years ago, a few people tried to silence me, and the most obvious thing they did was turn people against me. I went to war. I’m not afraid. Ready. No one is going to silence me.
To finish this off, I’m used to people believing everyone else but me. I’m used to people lying on me and people siding with other people but me. Being the only child growing up, I’ve been used to not getting the benefit of the doubt and dealing with things on my own. Being a black person in the United States, you have to almost expect a white person’s (and everyone else’s word for that matter) word to be believed over yours. And your life doesn’t matter and isn’t valued. The misinformation seems unfair, but I stay above it and trust that the truth will come out. And get you your own Acshettle and Steve Bellos.
Now back on the main topic. (Some people have said that this could be considered assault on your character and vicious ladies using their privilege to intimidate and silence you, so I added this in.) I slightly veered off topic. My bad folks.
Another thing that takes a lot of work but you think it "just happens". the loveable people I know go out of their ways to make people around them feel good. They care about those around them, remember important dates, make small presents, do favours, help others... the list of things those people are constantly doing for others is really long. They are actually good people that don’t expect anything in return. Unlike the self proclaimed "nice guys", that people is actually nice without labels or expecting something in return. And that is exactly the key, you seem to expect something in return and if you don’t get it, you deem it a privilege if others do. Yet, you don’t seem to appreciate what you have and get just for being there.
That happens to men and white people too. You are just used to that and think it is "normal". By the way, when men give things to woman they deem beautiful, they usually expect sex in return and some of them are quite aggressive about being "owed" sex and women being "teases" if they don’t "put out" regardless of the interest of the women on them and the women never having asked for any of that. But since you are a man, you probably haven’t really thought about the "cost" that it has for women. (Please forgive me for not remembering everyone who said these quotes).
3. I have to be honest and say I’m a little wary of accepting gifts from most guys, especially in the entertainment unless I really trust them or I’ve known them for a while. Too many people in the industry was looking for something, a relationship or had ulterior motives (and there was NO exceptions to this rule.)
Generally speaking, and no offense to the guy friends I love. A guy don’t do something for nothing.
I give things without expecting nothing in return. If I can do it for a friend, I will do it. I generally don’t spend anything I can’t afford to lose anyways. I have some people in my family who are status struck, and they want attention and recognition so badly. Everyone wants love, but if you can recognize early in life that you are not going to get credit for everything you do nor you are not gonna get recognized for everything you do you will save yourself a lot of anguish, grief and headache. The time and energy one spend trying to get recognized could be the time you spend doing the work; and that way you wouldn’t have to try so hard, it just comes when it comes.
The guy that call himself kissing me? He gave me an office key, because I was “his first artist.” So as a result, he thought that gave him the license to control every move I made when I hit the office building. Oh no. You not the only game in town, and I do make it a point to meet other people when I go places (not a cliquish person here). I stopped that immediately. I have friends on other floors, and you are not going to start asking me where I am like I’m a fucking 10 year old kid. I’m not asking you where you are, and I want that same respect in return. GTFOH. Hell no. My mom don’t even question where I go like you do, and you not gonna start either. It would be a cold day in hell before I start telling someone every single move I make like I’m a robot. (For safety reasons ok, but he was trying to be controlling and I had to nip that in the bud and quickly.) And even if I was crazy enough to be in a relationship with him (which hell no I wouldn’t touch this guy with a 500 foot pole), no guy or ex has ever told me what to do like that. Or questioned me like that. You got to stop the control freak shit upfront, because if you don’t they will think it’s ok and it will get worst. After that, for the short time we did work together, we had an understanding. They might call you a bitch, but they do respect you after that.
If I gave someone an office key, I’m going to trust they are an adult and gonna make the right decisions. I don’t have to watch or control every move they make. If I don’t trust them, they wouldn’t get a key. They can come and go as they please without me knowing where they are 24/7. He thought he was doing me a favor…. I let him know, not really. People give people office keys all the time without expecting something physical. Get the memo.
And yes I was offered a free trip to Cancun. By a guy that I haven’t heard from in years. Just popped in my message box saying do I want to go to Cancun with him?
I rather have my peace of mind and faculties in tact. And plan a trip with the girls. I would be worried about being raped the whole time, and constantly looking over my shoulder. I told him no immediately without batting an eye. I want to travel, but I don’t want to travel that badly. If I don’t have romantic interest in him I’m not going, and it doesn’t take much to lead them on. Remember what I said about them doing something for nothing. I would be in a position where he’s in control and no no no.
I really wish I could accept most gifts based on people’s kindness and them just wanting to be nice to someone. For the most part, that ship has sailed.
Cuomo is one of millions of men over many years who have made their subordinates uncomfortable with awkward conversation topics or unwanted physical contact. Ask almost any woman who has lived in the world. But he is one in a small number among those arrogant millions finally experiencing negative repercussions for his actions. That’s why his downfall is important. It sends a message – again – about what is and is not acceptable behavior. And what will happen if you are still confused.
I was on my way to a fundraiser event.
We went to a bar, grabbed drinks. Night was going well for a bit. We haven’t seen each other in years and it was good to catch up.
Ladies, I don’t know about you. But I like to take things slow. It takes a sec for me to trust due to my life experiences. Not 20 years slow. Every lady is different, but I would ask before touching to see if it’s ok, especially nowadays. I ask a guy’s permission before I touch his hand, even if it’s innocent or has pure intentions, I ASK first. I rather overly ask and have consent then assume they are comfortable and get in trouble. I ASK.
It happened. Hand started going up leg. I’m thinking shit. Will I ever met a guy who will just see me as a human being? I’m not something to score with or touch at his leisure.
Please don’t touch me and keep trying to touch me inappropriately on the first date, then pressure me to go somewhere by myself with you and I haven’t seen or talked to you in 20 years. We don’t have it like that. Anything that could have grown from that night was dashed because I don’t trust you.
A lot of alarm bells went off that night after that. Once we got to the fundraiser, I stayed there the whole evening.
He kept trying to pressure me to go somewhere else by myself with him, and I said no. I kept getting weird vibes, because he was very insistent on getting me somewhere by myself and I’m like nope. He had something special planned for me. The only “special" thing I thought of was being on Dateline or 20/20 as a victim of a crime never to be seen or heard from again. Nope. Nope. Nope.
I actually have a 4th story that I cannot add in at this time.
It’s 2021 🔥🙌
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