I ran out of space in the description area on the YouTube video.
“I donated to BLM in Minnesota”
“Black friends, what’s your opinion on this?”
“I’m a black ally because I went to protest today”
“I participated in #BlackOutTuesday"
“Donate to the BLM movement, link in bio"
Pause for just a sec. Before I get into this article.
*This article may sound cold but I’m getting my point across and having a much needed conversation. I’m being real and unfiltered. I suggest you have thick skin as you read this but keep your mind open. THIS IS NOT “FOODIE ALESHA”. If you want that, go to my Instagram.
If you’re the sensitive type this might not be the article for you and it might be better if we talked in person or over phone. This is the same discussion I’ve had with many before, and my other friend groups AND other people who come across this are welcome to read this, but this is for APO peeps, especially the ones who asked for it. If you find that you yourselves in the 1 and only club at work, including working mothers, older employees at youth-oriented start-ups, people whose conservative political views make them feel like outliers in organizations dominated by liberals or progressives, the only members of the LGBTQ community in your space or simply you find you are not in the majority in your day to day life: you may read something in here you may be able to relate to. Maybe not. Nevertheless, welcome aboard.
If you have any questions, ask me directly. I hold nothing back and all bets are off.
Last warning: When you ask me my thoughts, do not expect me to hold back.
This article is the tough love conversation I still want to have with a number of you even if you read it.
In the times we are in, and with several of you asking how you can help? I wanted to share both my APO and a number of incidents I experienced during my time.
Throughout this, I’m abbreviated Alpha Phi Omega into APO for the people who isn’t familiar with the organization.
*I wrote this early in the morning, like 4am, over a period of days, so expect typos.
As I read those BLM statuses in my feed, I said they finally decided to wake up and smell the coffee. Where was this camaraderie years ago?
Why I joined in the first place.
- To be a part of something bigger than myself.
- I was rejected out of many orgs, and didn’t make the cut. 100s of organizations didn’t want me lol. I’m the sort to keep trying until I find my way. I never hated on anyone who got into organizations that I got cut from.
- Being the only child, I wanted to have a chance to see what it was like to have siblings.
- Dealing with friends passing away from suicide, health issues, racial profiling by professors, etc was difficult for me to trust people prior to joining. I haven’t trusted easily ever, even as a young child. I wanted to see if I find a group of people I can trust. To this day I don’t trust easily. These experiences makes me have tough skin. I’m very careful with who I’m vulnerable with.
- For future bridesmaids. But I’m not gonna get married so don’t worry about it. I can do bad by myself lol.
- To learn about cultures other than my own.
- To expand my knowledge and skillset.
- To volunteer and give back.
- For continuous education. I’m a lifelong learner.
- To receive constructive criticism and critiques when needed in an honest and respectful way.
- I wanted to find people I could be myself with.
- Camaraderie. Comradery.
Thanks for the memories ❤! Here we go.
1. As I try to explain to my white friends and relatives that ask, no one hates you because you’re white. I do not hate anyone for being white. Many races blood runs through my veins. Much love to you all. When we are standing up for Black rights, Asian rights, Latino rights, Native American rights and so on we are not putting white people down.
What I hate is (sometimes this happens not always since leaving school) being treated a certain way because of my skin color. There’s a number of times where my own APO friends would correct me, overlook me, look down on me, ignore me, question me and outright disrespect me. I can tell that some of you think you’re better and superior. To be blunt, I really don’t discuss racism with most of my white friends or relatives because it doesn’t happen to them and they don’t care. I don’t hate any of them for it, but they don’t care. It doesn’t happen to them so it’s a non issue to them. If they are open to it, I’m here. I will continue to remind you: The most racism I’ve ever experienced was in school.
I have to admit that a few of you tried to be very cunning and slick. I picked up on exactly what you were doing. An APO member or two definitely made sure they gave everyone else eye contact except me in the office when I was involved. It didn’t intimidate me, but I figured they were being jerks. During my earlier election runs, they tried to slaughter my reputation and make up lies. I heard about the insults about me. They were telling on themselves in front of the whole chapter. And the fact that people still sided with them let me know they sided with racism, or the very least their silent behavior confirmed to me that they agreed with what they were doing.
They ended up trying to be nice to me at the end of their time, saying they were sorry but I wasn’t buying it. I wasn’t going to let them push me out the chapter.
Sometimes I had to let a few of my “APO friends” know that you will not talk to me like you have lost your mind. I will help you find it. People mistake my kindness for weakness all the time. That gets tiresome but I let them know I’m not the one. Don’t play with me or my food.
Sometimes I run into some APO folks at public events to this day and they give me the cold shoulder. They act like they don’t know who I am. I hate being talked to like I’m stupid. And I rather be by myself then have unsupportive and jealous people in my life. Being a supportive and non-jealous person, I pick up on it and keep my distance.
I can tell that a number of you think that black people isn’t on the same level as you, and that you’re better. As Elyse points points out, I’m not gonna hold a banner for you because many of you now just decided to see black people as human beings, that it took a black guy to be killed on camera and to trend for it to catch your attention. That it took all of that for many of you to see black people or other poc as your equal. Are you invested in this for the long haul? Or are you posting on social media to be politically correct, and 6 months from now you will go back to the same way you were before?
I appreciate you trying.
I’m not buying it.
What I can do is give you a scout badge or reward of some sort for being a great pretender. Maybe a piece of your favorite candy? Maybe I can tell my agents how good your acting skills are and they could potentially manage you or get someone else to do it. If a role doesn’t fit for me I’ll be glad to pass it on to you. 😂
In other words.
I don’t believe that some of you see black people on the same level as you still, it’s not what you say, it’s what you do. Be aware that the simple act of posting quotes on social media, or participating in #BlackOutTuesday, is no substitute for making actionable long term change. It’s words.
I was told by a white friend a long time ago that they were/are told that white is right, white culture is the dominant culture, and it’s up to others to get to know them and fit in with them. It’s up to you as an individual to reject all this way of thinking and.
- Stop thinking you are superior.
- Stop thinking the world revolves around you. It’s not about you.
- Stop thinking you know everything.
- Stop interrupting people like your voice is the only one that matters. Let people finish what they are saying, then you speak.
- Stop trying to shut black people/other poc down when they disagree with you.
White people do not think in terms of we. White people have the privilege to interact with the social and political structures of our society as individuals. You are “you,” I am “one of them.” Whites are often not directly affected by racial oppression even in their own community, so what does not affect them locally has little chance of affecting them regionally or nationally. They have no need, nor often any real desire, to think in terms of a group. They are supported by the system, and so are mostly unaffected by it.-John Metta, I Racist
Many of you have been taught early White people need to correct us non-White people because we are genetically inferior. We have our own minds; we have our own thoughts, and we see your actions and behaviors differently. Some of us don’t see you all as saviors, we see you as problems and major obstacles to progress upward mobility, and equality. Your savior views aren’t the right views, just White views.-Marley K.
I appreciate the BLM posts, but are you looking in the mirror to make sure that you’re not being racist yourself? Are you posting just for show and to look like the good person, just to get by? If you are going to be an black “ally”, do the work for life. This is not a sprint. This is a never ending marathon.
Your increase in “BLM" posts on social media does not make up for the years of inaction. You asking a lot of questions about what you can do is not going to heal a deep wound over night. Apologizing to Colin Kaepernick now, saying he was right this whole time will not get his quarterback job back. It does not take away years and years of injustice. No amount of donations can make this go away. It doesn’t make up for the fact you didn’t see racism as a problem before. It’s a little too late for all that.
Stop over posting and saturating everyone’s damn feed with your white guilt. Get off social media and prepare to do the mental work for the long haul.
Spend more time making a change in your attitudes instead of saying empty sorrys.
Dear White people. We get it. You’re mad. However, your new level of indignation is no equal to our anger. Black people have been this mad for 400 years. You have been this mad for a month. Posting 99.9% more times on Instagram about how you’re handling your sudden wokeness to Black anger does not overcompensate for a lifetime of relative inaction. No fund exists that can fundraise away your guilt. -Michael K. Dowling
When I was a first semester active, one the things I noticed right off the back was people saying hello and hanging out with “certain people" but ignored others. Like I mention later on in this post, there’s no harm in saying hello, even if you don’t know them that well. It happened to me and I could care less if you speak to me or not. But to someone who feels excluded easily, not making someone feel welcomed could make someone leave an workplace or in this case, an organization. I noticed people dropping out. When I reached out to them to make sure they were ok, they said there was a lot of politics, mean girl drama and clique issues in the chapter. Along with people treating them badly. They are no longer interested at that point. Sure, you will get what you put into it, but if you don’t feel that sense of belonging there’s definitely a lot more options out there to choose from.
I always find it interesting when organizations and schools say they want more diversity, but people in them do underhanded things to make sure poc don’t stick around (like what those certain people did to me). They say one thing for the status quo, but exclude them to the point where they leave. Well intentioned white brothers and sisters I knew made these diversity programs, but sabotage them by not getting their own biases in check. They mean well, but ended up dishing out racism instead of helping them or treating them like a human being. One of my friends said he didn’t see himself as a minority or considered himself one until we were in school together. They label so much and try to make you think you can’t make it without them or if you don’t get help from this “minority” program, we will fail.
They say one thing to get funding. But they don’t practice what they preach. I see this happen ALL THE TIME.
Many diversity programs I’ve come across are halfhearted and for show. I generally avoid them to avoid being labeled and stereotyped.
One of the reasons why I didn’t have any hesitation on peacing out on APO?
When our morals and values no longer aligned, I realized it was time for me to get going. When I saw too many people not including people different than them. As you read more, I’ll explain more why I hit the road.
- Have you ever told a black person that they don’t act black?
- Have you ever said you are blacker than someone?
- Have you dismissed someone else’s story because it’s too “unbelievable” , played devil’s advocate, tell them to bring more prove or tell a black person to stop using the race excuse? And then in your mind you think: They are just using the race card, They need to just work a little harder. They need to just study a little more. They are lazy,ghetto, and from the wrong side of the tracks. (Be honest. I heard you and tested some of you before. Some of you said these things about other black people to me.)
- Have you said black jokes?
- Have you said racist jokes in the past? Make amends for it? Said the N word? (A story on that below).
- Helped a black person out and you thought you were doing them a favor aka being a do gooder?
- Bully someone, especially a POC out of a job and make them so uncomfortable that they don’t want to be there anymore? Bully a poc out of an organization and got others to gang up on people?
- Seen a black person of excellence and you were gonna make sure they are not gonna get a head of you personally or professionally: spreading nasty rumors, not recommend them for a job, not invest in their business and so on?
- Have you ever told someone you don’t see color? (The colorblind theory was mentioned to me once, but there’s different colors to be embraced and loved).
- Have you seen a successful black person, and you give them the third degree? Are you willing to help someone else first because you are afraid of this person getting ahead of you and debunking all your stereotypes? Did you try to play a part in trying to keep a black person “in their place?”
- Have you ever told someone “What is someone like you doing in a place like this?”
- Have you ever questioned a black professional (i.e black professor, doctor, lawyer, engineer, etc) because you predetermined that their credentials can’t be real?
- Called the police on a black person who was doing work in someone’s yard, and they had the company t-shirt, credentials, and car but posed a threat to you because of their skin color? The police showed up and yes they really are from the local gas/light/ company!
- Have you clumped all black people into a category and jumped to conclusions? Have you still failed to realize that everyone is a individual with their own thoughts and opinions?
- P.S: It’s amazing how people think black people are collective and the same but whites are individuals. I even had to remind people in my major at the time that I’m not the spokesperson for every black person here. The other black people don’t speak for me, I don’t speak for them.
- Followed a black person through your neighborhood, because you predetermined that they were going to rob a house. After all, running and looking at your watch to check your pulse and heart rate is suspicious activity. 😡
- Have you followed someone in the store?
- Have you approached a black person and assumed they worked there? Assumed that they were the help and is there to serve you?
- Have you gone out with your white friends and treated your black friends like they don’t exist? Does your personality change depending on which race of friends you are around? Have you and your white friends insulted black people?
- Do you think black people look alike? Off the record, I would never say Samuel L Jackson, Morgan Freeman or Laurence Fishburne looked alike. Have some respect!
- Have a black person ever told you they like country, opera, symphony music and you have a shell-shocked look on your face because it goes against your racial stereotypes?
- Taken up the whole sidewalk and expected the black people to move out your way? After all, you’ve been taught that you’re better and the world revolves around you.
- Saw a black person comb their hair, and say “ew that’s bad hair?”
- See a black person in your white neighborhood, and assume that they will bring the property value down in your area? Purposely keep black people out of your all white organizations because you think it will bring the value of the organization down?
- See a group of black people come into your business/space and you get scared?
- Did you see the quote I posted? Do you appropriate black culture, but hate black people? Do you know the lyrics to black songs, but teach your children that black people are inferior to them and to not hang out with them? Do you like black food, clothes and shoes but will not go to a black person’s house and disrespect black culture?
- Have you seen a tall black person and assume that they play sports?
- Are quick to recognize a black person’s athletic abilities but are slow to recognize their smarts?
- Will you read this, and say who in the hell do she think she is, because your white superiority complex will not allow you to just read, reflect and learn? Do you only value the views and opinions of white people and ignore non-white people because they don’t matter to you?
- As you read this you see yourself in this or done this to someone? Does any of these questions offend you? Does it look like I give a f***? I don’t like some people stereotyping me, racially profiling me or treating me like I’m stupid either. So we both have something we don’t like! Woo!
Every song or cry doesn’t have to be White centered. You don’t need a movement. You should move over and give others the space to protest. Look, listen, act. Don’t co-opt or outright steal a movement and they pretend it’s yours. Pirates do that stuff.-Marley K.
Here’s several reads that I suggest to everyone, no matter what color you are.
Continue to stand up for what is right. But don’t forget to do some soul searching and look in the mirror and make sure you’re not perpetuating the problem.
If you don’t see racism, it’s because you don’t want to. You are the problem.
Racism is yours, and you keep sticking me with the bill. You benefit from racism, but I am burdened by it, and this is the most expensive buffet where you can gorge yourself and where I have yet to eat. You can dive deep into the pasta, and pass on the carrots and peas. You can pick what you want and ignore what you don’t and leave when you’re finished. Sometimes I can see the food that I’m not allowed to touch. But, I am never permitted to leave the joint until I’ve paid both bills.-Catherine Pugh
2. I’ve experienced racism from both black and white people. People (especially my black classmates) over the years thought my lighter skin gives me an advantage or white privilege. Not true. The things I’ve heard in my life doesn’t shock me anymore. I’ve heard many cruel comments from both black and white people and it doesn’t surprise me.
I’ve had black people accuse me of thinking I’m better. The antics of my jealous black classmates was nearly unforgivable.
Another time, I heard a black church leader say “Tell them Mexicans that….”
Did they tell you that they are from Mexico? How do you know that they are Mexicans? You’re assuming based on a preconceived notion. Not everyone who is Hispanic is from Mexico. Never assume and get to know people as human beings.
Telling someone to go back to where they come from is bad.
I couldn’t believe he was saying that. And this guy calls himself a church leader?
Public service announcement: As black people, when we hear another black person say something mean or racist, we gotta hold them accountable.
And why would you be racist toward someone and you don’t want someone being racist towards you?
On the other hand, white people tried to keep me down by trying to sabotage me through bias, stereotyping and lowering my grades and claiming it was a mistake (another story that I wrote in another post).
3. I do not spend time thinking about who has what privilege or advantage over me. News flash: I’m not gonna make anyone feel guity for their “white privilege”. I spend more time moving myself forward, and figuring out how to put myself at an advantage in my own way. I’m not a race card girl or someone who likes to play victim. I’m not going to wake up in the morning saying “hey something racist is gonna happen to me today.” I spend more time talking about food, joking around, playing video games, auditioning, creating businesses and so on. See my Instagram for more lol (give me more food photos like pizza, donuts, cookies, yummy). My foodie posts are really stupid but fun haha.
But when there’s an obvious racist incident happening, I call it out.
I remember one time at the APO Chicago conference I got some extra hats for my chapter. She said “did you steal those?” That’s my future old master for me, huh.
I mentioned this to brothers at another chapter that I met and hung out with. I made it a point to meet other chapters. On my own. I avoid being cliquey to make people feel included. I don’t care what group I’m with, if I see someone I know I say hi.
Do you think she would have said that you stole those hats if you were completely white? In my opinion she took a subtle dig at you. What kind of racist chapter do you come from?
After googling some of the racist incidents on my campus. (I didn’t say anything to them, they looked it up and read the incidents for themselves).
F*** that. Transfer to our chapter. We treat our people better.
This is not to get back at anyone, and really she was trying to joke. I didn’t take it personally. But I bring this up to say if she said it to the wrong person, they might have accused her of being racist.
Remember, I’m using these stories to educate. By the way, do not EVER accuse a black person of stealing or a crime, I don’t care how close you are to them. In today’s climate, accusing a black person of a crime could be the difference between life and death.
Here’s the hats I supposedly stole. Even though I was given permission to give hats to people who didn’t get one. 😂
And they saw me walk out with the hats, so if I stole them, they could have had time to take me down.
4. I don’t have any desire to reactivate into APO anytime soon, the reason why I use friends or acquaintances instead of “brothers”. If you look me up, I’m inactive by choice. Damn straight.
When I honor Andrew & Alex (friends who passed away in my pledge class), I’m toying with the idea of dropping “may we always be." While we were in the same pledge class in APO, we bonded more over retreats. I left without a paddle because I no longer felt like a member of a family. I don’t need to be recognized or given credit when I volunteer or hold a position in an organization. A simple hello would’ve done it. A simple hello would do it when I run into you in every day life. Treat people the way you want to be treated. I don’t have to be in your inner circle, I’m not asking to be. I rather not be your token or someone you think your better than subconsciously. With some of the dirty looks, I can tell you talk about me like a dog. When I started my own businesses and joined other organizations, I realized how disrespected I was by my some of my own “brothers”. I don’t have any interest in being a APO president anymore. I scratched my own itch by creating my own businesses, traveling and acting. I took control of my own destiny instead of expecting someone else to save or validate me. I’ve gotten quite adept at saving myself; when you learn to walk the road less traveled by yourself, you end up being a stronger person by default. Yeah I know, many people say you can’t do everything alone. But I have done plenty alone and will continue to do so.
I’m not gonna be the go to person for the the people I can’t go to. I’m no longer going to look for any of you to look out for me, I’ll look in the mirror and make that person myself. No one is responsible for my happiness except me. I’ll be my own social chair person.
Photo credit to Randy C. Bonds
A. When they started punishing me harder for the mistakes I made and still elected my white male counterparts into president positions despite their mistakes, that’s when I knew. I’m not saying I was entitled to be president; after talking with other former brothers at other chapters across the country the facts could no longer be ignored.
These are a few examples of white privilege:
- When I mentioned a few ideas on several occasions, it was ignored and not taken seriously. It was shot down and called unrealistic. One time I got one of my white male friends to say the project idea just to see if it would get more play a few semesters later (and to teach him how to set up a project). And of course people listened more. Gave it a try. Noticed more people signed up for it.
- I noticed white privilege at play during my time as PT. They listened to my male counterpart way more than me. In the interest of keeping this article under an hour, I’ll just say this: When you have a white male counterpart and you are the poc, the chances of this happening to you is higher, sorry to say it. If you haven’t had this happen to you, great.
- Generally being able to get away with pretty much anything and get a slap on the wrist. Or people covering for them. Did the same thing. Watched how quick people start talking, complaining. It’s the theory that as a black person you got to be 10× times as good to be qualified or seen as exceptional. (Anyone that had this happen to them knows EXACTLY what I’m talking about).
At first I didn’t see it this way, I just thought this president shit wasn’t for me. I talked with a dedicated member, Victoria who said she had to run 5 times before being president. I wanted the challenge, but I didn’t want to stick around 6 more semesters for an organization that may or may not want what I had to offer. It’s when I reached out to other members at other chapters across the country from the conference I went to hang out is when I saw the writing on the wall. When they said b**** open your eyes and see what’s in front of you. I got “woke" then. They also mentioned that if you would’ve won, they would have put you through so much hell and grief. And put an impossible standard on you. Your campus has a racist reputation and you’re a black female. They told me to wake the f*** up and do the math. You see them as human beings, but they see you as a 2nd class citizen not on their level.
At the surface they might not appear racist but under the surface they are. They don’t want to take instructions and be told what to do from someone black. It’s sad but true. Look at how some people disrespected Obama, you know on some level they would have done it to you.
This came from other brothers from other chapters, and they were uninfluenced, separated from the situation, and unbiased. I logged in and showed them a list of past presidents and they googled that? They were mostly white men. That was all they needed to see. They showed me their rosters of diversity in their chapter and that’s when we both saw the writing on the wall.
At the subconscious level, there is some people out here who think that white males are the only people who can run things. Sad but true. Read this starting at paragraph 3. There’s people out there that still think a woman’s place is being a wife and mother. My response? My place is wherever I want to be.
I told them the story about how I was saying my speech when I ran during elections. I remember looking out into the audience both times. My own brothers were cold, looking at their phones. A few looked up to make me think they were giving me eye contact, but you can tell they wanted to be elsewhere. You can tell they didn’t want what I had to offer. They wrote me off. That picture is forever in my mind. I remember watching others and their speeches, and they were a lot better at hiding their disinterest. They gave them the eye contact they didn’t give me.
Tip: Even if you don’t like a candidate being presented, put down the cell phone and listen to what they have to say.
I remember looking in on Jamie’s and Aaron’s speeches (if you happen to be reading this much love. I’m trying to make a point, hang with me). My APO friends were laughing and so light hearted when they were in there. I heard them laugh so loud at a joke down the hall that it sounded like a live comedy. When someone was walking by, they said “I’ll have what they are having." I said same in a laughing way. I even wrote a letter of support supporting them both.
What more proof do you need, they said? You were being classy and taking the high road. No amount of classiness on your part will justify how they treated you. But they told you how they felt about you right in that moment. And the fact that what was said about you during elections got to you says something. Why did they wait until elections to say that about you? Why couldn’t they address whatever beef they had with you, with you directly?
Tip 2. What happens at elections doesn’t always stay at elections. If you are running for an executive board position or office in an workplace or organization, some people like to use the opportunity to bring up drama. Or insult you. Make sure you have thick skin. Everything got back to me and I know who said what. This should never happen but sometimes it does.
Sure vulnerability is an important part in building trust and relationships. But Karen’s concerns in this story is a thing: sometimes it’s best not to tell information to someone just for them to use it against you at a later time. Not only did I find out some of my bros were talking behind my back they were making up lies too! To this day I’m careful who I share info with.
You consistently ask me to trust you and your leadership choices when you know they don’t care about me or my issues. Every time we Black folks trust White people to do the right thing for us when they have power or are in positions of trust, they find a way to benefit from that position for personal or collective gain.- Marley K, Insulting Things A Lot Of White People Do
Another example of white privilege:
I got so tired of some white people throughout my school years putting me in the same box like everyone else and assuming things.
Some of you take the worst examples of other groups and think that everyone is the same way.
If I can get to know you as an individual why can’t you extend the same grace?
B. Some act one way when they are with this group. Another way with this group and another way with this group. I learned some of your personalities change depending on who you’re around. I get it, you don’t want me hanging around you and your white friends at the lakehouse. Some of you don’t want black friends period. I got the memo. I wasn’t born yesterday.
I’m not analyzing each of your 20 personalities, trying to figure out which one you bring out depending on who you are around.
But if you could, dears, the next time I reach out if you don’t want to hang, just say you’re not a priority instead of saying you’re too busy. Or just have the balls and say you don’t want to. I can tell some of you are blowing me off, and it’s so obvious. I do try to make a point to make people feel included and welcome, even if I’m not that close to them. I try not to make the effort with a lot of you though, because your effort in me is non-existent. People’s effort in you reflect their interest. If I can have this level of honesty and transparency in this post and the twin video, I expect that same respect in return. If you wanna hang I’m here, but I’m not gonna make you be in my life if you don’t want to be. I’m not going to insert myself into yours. When I see some of you, I’ll keep my distance.
C. Worst female pledge trainer ever speaking! Lol. I will admit that I had a lot going on during my time as Pledge Trainer. Interestingly enough, I didn’t have the money to buy the tanks or t-shirts for rush. There’s a number of things that my chapter said I didn’t follow through on. But I have a folder called Financial Motivation on my USB drive. I keep Nick’s designs as a reminder to keep up on your financial game and to not ever trust anyone with your financial destiny. (See the video for more details. APO is one of the reasons why I avoid 9 to 5ers, being in the organization gave me a preview of the real world rat race. I refuse to deal with office politics, backstabbing, any potential and unnecessary sexism and racism. )
But I didn’t complain. I played the deck of cards I was given. Here’s the thing. I don’t mind making mistakes-I make them all the time in business, life and acting. But what I notice in my time in APO was people going behind my back and not talking to me directly. My old master from my pledge class when I first joined? Dropped a hint saying haters are going to hate, and some of it was probably some of them trying to sabotage you. If most of you couldn’t be honest with me in my face, then why would you expect me to share vulnerable secrets with you? No matter how good or bad of a job I did, it would never be good enough. I’m supposed to call some backstabbers and people who didn’t have my best interest at heart brothers? While it wasn’t everyone doing it, I noticed it enough to close myself off. People that I wanted to confide in were friends with the bullies. It was a no win situation so I said screw it. I’ll deal with it by myself in the meantime and bite my tongue.
I would have loved constructive criticism. There’s a fine line between someone dogging you out and giving you honest feedback that can help you improve. The fact they couldn’t come talk to me directly spoke volumes. I started thinking about leaving at this point.
Tip 3: Don’t accuse me of not following through and then you go out here and do the same thing by posting BLM posts putting up appearances on social media. And then acting another way in real life, like you care for black people and you really don’t. I’m not going to any of your close friends. I’m talking to you directly by writing this article, making a video and inboxing as many as possible. Have you been direct to me about how you felt about me over the years? Be honest now. If I could be a fly on the wall I betcha I would hear you call me dirt and everything else under the sun. I could write a book.
D. When you have successes, true friends should be rooting for you and wanting the best for you. Life is not a competition. I noticed when I started making moves, it was radio silence-kinda like when they were silent when all the racist things was happening in my life before George Floyd passed. But all of sudden I realized how many silent teammates I had starting on May 25th, 2020.
You talking about you can’t breathe? Oh really now? Do you want me to message some of you individually on the instances when you had your knee on my neck? If you are tired of hearing about racism, imagine how tired you would be if you lived with it!
It’s definitely ok.
Here’s a perspective to look at it from.
When you got into BGR and became a leader and I didn’t because they cut me, did I treat you mean? I was happy for you and still am.
Were you thinking about me? Of course not. I wasn’t expecting you to. You were having a great time experiencing your blessing and being a either a leader and/or super.
When I got cut from sorority rush, saw a friend dead and watched you get a bid did I treat you mean? I was happy for you and still am.
Were you thinking about me? Of course not. I wasn’t expecting you to either. You were experiencing your blessing of your new sorority sisters and starting new bonds that could last for a lifetime.
When I watched my friend get shot on campus and I got criticisms for not doing this and that right, not ordering rush and pledge class shirts, and watched the chapter still like and admire you did I treat you mean? When a friend attempted suicide and I decided to watch them to make sure they didn’t kill themselves, did I treat you mean? I was and still am happy for you.
Were you thinking about me? Of course not. And I wasn’t expecting you to, to be honest.
When professors was treating me like a dumb black kid, stereotyping me and trying to come up with every way they could to make my life miserable did I treat you mean? When I saw professors support you, mentor you and take you up under their wing did I treat you mean? I was and still am happy for you.
Were you thinking about me? Of course not. I wasn’t expecting you to. You were experiencing your blessing of getting mentored and preparing for a bright future.
When I watch people care and rally around you in ways that they would never support me, did I try to steal your thunder? Did I treat you mean? Of course not! I was and still am happy for you.
When I was in pain and didn’t realize it was a tumor during my time as pledge trainer, did I treat you mean? Nope. Despite some of you complaining about what I wasn’t doing right. I was still happy for you, but didn’t want to tell anymore how painful that was. I just wondered why my side and stomach was hurting so badly at different times. I just did business as usual.
When I had several family members pass away and they discontinued my scholarship (long story my lawyers suspect racism but who gives a f*** at this point) around the same time, did I treat you mean? Of course not! I was and still am happy for you!
When they accepted you into study abroad program, when you went on spring break trips, when they wanted you and didn’t want me did I treat you mean? Of course not! I was and still happy for you!
When you wrote me off, and still continue to write me of, do I treat you mean? No I don’t.
When the jealous, comparison and competition game is there I’m out homie. Low key I hate jealousy, envy and the mindset that comes with it. If I can be happy for you even if my life goes downhill, why can’t you show the same love in return? These are the moments where I wanted to distance myself from my quite a few of brothers when I saw this kind of toxic behavior happen. I rather be by myself.
If my strength intimates you, I hope you know that’s a weakness of yours and it’s not my problem.
If my successes intimidates you, I hope you know that’s a weakness of yours and it’s not my problem.
Did I try to destroy you when you had your moments? Or when something great happens to you do I try to steal the spotlight from you? . So STOP DOING IT to everyone else AND GROW THE F*** UP. That’s easier said than done but I figure I say it anyways in capital caps.
There’s gonna be times where it may appear that someone is ahead of you, behind you and at the same pace as you. Comparison is a thief of joy and I never played that game. What’s meant for you is meant for you. What’s meant for me is meant for me.
But to me it never mattered because I was and always will be happy for you. Period!
And here’s the sad part: the more you try to help yourself and move up in world, the more some people try to kick you down. I found some of these people and attitudes within my own “brothers”! How can you say my black life matters, when all some of you wanted to do was look down on me and have someone to make fun of? Someone that you can say your better than? Before any of you clap back and say it isn’t true think about the amount of times you run from me and give me dirty looks when you see me in public.
Do you have any class left in you? Face the music and stop running if you have beef with me. I’m an alpha lady and I’m being as direct and real as I want you to be towards me. I’m not going to go behind your back. If I’m equal like your BLM posts say I am (or maybe you’re just showing fake love which I suspect 🤔), let’s start with an honest conversation with each other and work it out. This article is me diving in head first. Let’s make REALLY make a change.
You never can tell what someone has been through to get where they are, by the way. This is why I’ll never hate on a successful person.
E. I notice when I do nice things for APO people, quite a few of them don’t appreciate it, block me off Facebook, and run in the other direction when they see me. Sending flowers to say congratulations and hope you’re well is a crime now? To my non apo friends, it’s the nicest thing ever. I gave several apo friends graduation gifts, and they said it was too much money and complained. A simple thank you would have did it. I gave acting friends wild night out after booking some major film gigs (can’t talk about which films they booked, sorry. Check them out after the pandemic is over, whenever that is). I invested in a friend’s business. I will tell you in both instances it was more than $200 lol, that is all I’m saying. They were so appreciative.
If this is what “brotherhood” is like post school, I’ll be happy to stay inactive. And talk with the people who wants to talk to me.
I like doing nice things for people and expect nothing in return. I like volunteering and giving back.
Do you think a black person can’t afford to give out expensive gifts or attend expensive gigs? Did someone in your past tell you that black people isn’t capable of attending charity fundraisers where tickets are $250, $500 or $1000 or more? Do you think that a black person can’t afford to give you a $100, $250 or $1000 gift? That’s a racist way of thinking.
For a while, I considered you brothers from other mothers and I say this out of a place of love:
Please stop thinking that you are the only ones that can do things. You’re not the only ones who can afford the finer things in life. The media likes to put black people and other poc in a bad light on television. There’s so many people out here doing great things. There’s black excellence all around you. Stop believing the all the negative stereotypes. OPEN your eyes and look. Get some counseling, diversity and bias training. Have honest conversation with your white circles on how you treat and think of black people in your day to day life.
5. I still wish my APO friends, former brothers and acquaintances the best and I’m up for conversation anytime. I’ve talked with many people I haven’t talked to years because I’ve been reaching out throughout this pandemic. I made the video and this post because people asked for it. It’s was not made to call people out (it may feel this way to some), it’s to share my story and educate at the same time. Some of you over the years told me not to take it personal. So here’s my turn to say the same thing in this article. What I’m saying in this whole article is out of a place of tough love. I don’t hate any of you. This is the kick in the a*** conversation I wanted to have with quite a few of you. Much love to you and I’ll check you everytime I need to. I don’t care if you don’t like what I’m writing. 👊. I don’t like how a number of you treat me. We are even. ❤
P.S. The next time I ask you your honest opinion I want your 100% take. You better not hold nothing back. Don’t throw me out in the cold, and expect to hang out when it’s warm.
Wanted: True blues that want to ride on the bus with me when the limo breaks down.
6. When you see racism in your life, do not be a bystander. For example. When you see your work colleague bully a poc, call it out. When you have the chance to elect a poc into power or a position, do it. Do not expect them to be perfect, put unrealistic standards on them or expect them to be 10× perfect. Give them the same "privilege" and benefit of the doubt that you give your white friends. Agree to disagree, talk things out. Think with your own mind instead of always going with your friends or what’s popular at the moment.
Have you ever had someone in your work place or organization have so much influence that that’s the go to person, and what they say goes?
This can be a good thing and bad thing. In my chapter it was Colleen and Emily (again much love to you both, stick with me, I’m trying to teach a lesson). Can you think of the trailblazers in your workplace/organization? The people who move up the corporate ladder with ease, or get voted in because they win popularity contests. OR they really know their shit and people like them.
It was great to see lady trailblazers.
To have walking encyclopedias was great.
On the other hand what they said went and people didn’t think for themselves. I could predict who was going to win elections based on what Emily thought about someone or who she liked. That was bad. Then all of sudden, every one else liked this person in the position because she did! If you are on her good side, it was an advantage. If not, good luck. Lol.
Even during real life primaries, I’ve been wrong on many candidates and that’s how it should be!
Tip 4: Make sure you get more than one perspective. And make up your own mind against outside influences. I went to them to ask questions, but I also asked others, even the ones that wasn’t as popular.
7. When someone tells you their stories about the racism they have experienced, or tells you that you were racists towards them, do not make it about you. Or try to justify it, make yourself look like a know-it-all or try to deny it. It’s easy to dismiss something that doesn’t happen to you. I initially didn’t say anything about what was happening with me throughout school because I didn’t think my APO friends cared, and I didn’t want people spreading it around the chapter. People can’t use it against you if they don’t know about it. Grade school throughout college, kids can be some cruel people. A rat race.
Listen. Education yourself. I still educate myself all the time. Just because you are black doesn’t mean you know everything about racism.
So with all due respect.
Everytime a tragedy happens (and hopefully it doesn’t happen again) don’t wait until something bad like that happens to ask “what you can do?” Keep the dialogue and conversation going year around. Share posts in quiet times too, not just in times of chaos. Support black and other poc businesses year around, not just when you see a post telling you to do so.
Do you know what Black Wall Street is? If you don’t, Google it.
Do you know what redlining is? If you don’t, Google it.
Study black history year around, not just in February.
8. Check your own biases, stereotypes, prejudices in your own life. Get to know people individually. Stop labeling and putting people in the same category because it makes you more comfortable. One black person’s opinion doesn’t mean others will think the same way. Another theory is that black people are automatically compatible with each other, and automatically going to be friends just because we share the same race. Wrong.
Me personally? I pick friends based on content of character. If we click, we click. If we don’t, we don’t.
9. Get to know people outside your culture. I’m not faulting anyone if your current circle of close friends is all white. I’m not faulting you for growing close with who you’re close with. I’m not gonna police you and tell you that you need to “diversify your assets."
Do not post pictures with people and say that you have black/poc friends for the sake of having black/poc friends. Having one black friend in your photos doesn’t mean diversity, it’s tokenism. REALLY get to know people. Invite people over for Thanksgiving. Ask them thought provoking questions to get to know them. Invite them to the bachelor parties. Invite them to your weddings (you can leave me out no problem. Congratulations, may you live a happy life together ❤). Let them into your world, and take an adventure into their world.
In APO, I was never in the inner circles, and that’s ok. We did projects together, but as far as deeper friendships? Not so much. As you grow older, you realize your friends isn’t really your friends.
I didn’t go out here saying “Hey I’m gonna go meet more Asian/this group of people today." I put myself out there and we connected on being human. We happen to like tequlia too, lol. But the more we got to know each other, we ended up being great friends!
I heard several white relatives say that they should get black friends when Barack Obama was elected president. You should have been expanding your horizons anyways….Do not say things like this and get to know people as human beings.
I have friends of many diverse backgrounds; Many different races runs through my veins, like I said above. I’m not asking you to do something I’m not doing myself.
If you are doing this already, great! This is old news to you. If not get started.
10. Yes, I heard the N word from APO friends and white friends alike. It didn’t shock me. They were comfortable enough with me and felt like they could say it. Have some of them called me the N word? Absolutely! They felt like we were close enough with me to do so. What I told them is don’t use the N word. As close friends, you joke around and call each other words of endearment correct? Call me a tequila drinking b****, but do not use the N word. I don’t use it. I don’t use the c word. If you run for office one day, and some one who is looking to dig up dirt on sees of video of you saying the N word from 20 years ago in your college days? There’s nothing I can do to help you. Me saying you’re not a racist is not going to help you. Avoid the N word. DO NOT DRESS UP IN BLACKFACE FOR HALLOWEEN. Do not dress in blackface at all. Avoid.
11. If something ever happens to me, please don’t be a hypocrite and pretend that you care when you make it extremely clear how you feel about me now while I’m still living. You don’t care about me, stop pretending.
If they catch me on camera kicking the bucket, would you send the footage to your family and friends trying to free yourself from your guilt of your own racism and call it reform? Your sudden increase in BLM posts on social media does not make up for the years and years of inaction. Years and years of your mean treatment. Years and years of talking about me behind my back. Years and years of being fake and phonies.
It doesn’t make up for when I ran into a few of you in public. How can you say and post BLM when my black life doesn’t matter to you? While I do think some of you have your hearts in the right place, others of you made it clear how you feel about me. Are you going to continue to educate yourself on racism to years to come? Or are you only gonna post on social media in times of distress? Fronting appearances is a strong suit for a lot of you, and I can see right through the bullshit. I can see right through the BLM posts. I can see through empty apologies. Prove me wrong by being more inclusive in your everyday lives. ❤ I don’t want to hear you say it. Be it and do it.
I’m not gonna sit here and police you, big brother you and spend hours looking at your profiles and see if you’re “furthering the black cause.” It’s ultimately up to you. You have to want to do the right thing. No amount of diversity or bias training won’t help you if you don’t want to learn.
How can you talk about you’re an “ally” when in the same breath you say they are an angry black woman or an angry black man? Especially when someone is trying to tell you their story? Take the time to listen and get your knee off their necks. Let them breathe.
Several of you mistaked my kindness for weakness over the years. How can you say you’re my brother when you stayed silent? How can you expect me to know if you’re on my side when you send so many mixed messages?
How many of you have the backbone to absorb what I’m saying, and not run away and hide under a rock in la la land?
There’s are all sorts of conscious and unconscious ways that white people defensively protect a racist system, even when they don’t think they are a racist.-Caitlin Johnstone
She is unable to differentiate her participation within a racist system (upwardly mobile, not racially profiled, able to move to White suburbs, etc.) from an accusation that she, individually, is a racist. Without being able to make that differentiation, White people in general decide to vigorously defend their own personal non-racism, or point out that it doesn’t exist because they don’t see it.-John Metta, I, Racist
To finally finish this and recap this. The reasons why I dropped APO:
- If you are gonna be mean to some, nice to others, I don’t want to associate with an organization who can’t or won’t make an effort to make people different from them feel welcomed. Not everyone was doing it but it happened enough to alarm me.
- If you can’t be honest with me to my face about an issue, then I can’t trust you. The fact that many of you went behind my back tells me alot about your characters.
- I don’t want to hang a paddle on my wall, when some of the same people who are alumni in the organization runs from me in real life.
- No matter how accomplished I am, there is always going to be some people in APO and in this world that will judge me by my skin color only. At the very core of things you don’t see me as your equal, more as someone you want to look down on. As far as I’m concerned, some of you could give a flying f*** over the issues that concerns me, although you pretend to care every now and then like right now. It’s so easy to jump on the George Floyd bandwagon and say “Omg I love you.” Over posting BLM posts is very hypocritical to me because some of you have made it clear how much you care about me. Maybe, just maybe you care about other black lives, because you don’t care about my life. Opinion: some of you are opportunists, you are using this Black Lives Matters movement to make yourself look real when you’re not. You’re being coattail riders. Have you found a way to profit off the BLM movement yet while you’re at it? Again, prove me wrong.
- “The most disrespected person in America is the black woman. The most unprotected person in America is the black woman. The most neglected person in America is the black woman.” Even if some of you didn’t ask, I was not going to continue to sit here and continue to watch some of you overload my feed with BLM matters and not say something eventually. In many ways over the years you’ve proven that you have zero respect for me. You don’t care to understand and don’t care. If you don’t get it, ask me directly if you have any backbone, or if you are too scared of me to talk to me like an adult re-read this article. Let me know if you see typos too. I could really make this article over an hour long with all the microaggressions, subtle bias, and discrimination that some of you shown over the years but I won’t. The most racism I ever experienced was in school. By now you should know APO wasn’t so innocent either. My real world life is a 370 (not just 360) difference with a blue moon occurrence of racism from time to time.
- When someone doesn’t root for your success and wants to kick you down on the way to the top, why be around them? I make it a point to build others up instead of tearing them down.
- If you are tired of hearing about racism, imagine how tired you would be if you had to experience it? Just a thought.
- There is nothing anyone can say or do to take this back or make it go away. It’s a part of my story, and I use it to uplift and educate others at this point. Instead of saying sorry when you think you did nothing wrong in the first place (let’s be honest with ourselves here) educate yourself on racism. Do not stereotype other people like some of you did me. Be nicer. Check yourself often. Be the “ally" that you say you are on social media. One of my favorite writers don’t consider any of you allies, and I don’t blame her.
- There’s been many people who ask me about my story and I always include this. When people see the cool things, many of them don’t see what you been through to get to the top. Many people have gone out of their way to kick me down. Since so many people have been so deliberate in tearing me down, I’m going to be extra deliberate in building others up.
- If you are a potential member, don’t let my experiences persuade you. You may not experience none of this and will be a happy lifelong member. At this point, I no longer want to be a part of APO even as an alumni. Life goes on and other people will join. ❤
Who knows, there may be a part 2, not sure yet. I still haven’t told all the stories, and no one wants to sit here for hours reading all that shit.
There is so much more I could write. I think I got my point across.
Make it to the end of this article eh, I mean slaughterhouse?
A true blue.
I told you it was going to be rough, but when you ask me for a piece of my mind, don’t expect anything less. Here’s this is my tough love. I’m being 💯.
I might have a change of heart one day towards APO, but I’m not feeling it right now. I got my dog and Dragon Ball series to keep me company. I’m not happy about Pan not turning into a super saiyan for the time being (that’s another article for another day).
What were your experiences in APO? Are you active? Inactive? Active alumni? Dropped before initiation? I wanna hear it. good, bad and downright ugly.
Have similar experiences in your workplace/other organization?
There is so much more work to do to make it equal for all. Discrimination based on race, sex, gender identity, should not exist.
Talk to me in the comments. I’m a safe person to disagree with and have a honest conversation with :D. I put it out so I can take it. ❤
September 2020 Update:
I was asked even more questions despite this article and the videos being long as f**** already. It’s a crime to make this article even 5 minutes longer.
It’s generally been the same. (Another freaken paragraph, just a heads up).
A. What’s the name of the chapter?
I’m not here to bash or get people to avoid joining. 99.99999999 percent of people that join will not have the same experience as me. Keep in mind that there’s chapters all across the country and there’s so many differences. My experiences do not represent APO as a whole. Potential members: Try it out. Most of you will be fine. That’s why I left the name of the chapter out of the videos. I’m here because I was asked to share my story and why I dropped. The chapter I was involved with is not the same chapter it is today. (And to be honest I don’t know how they are because I’m no longer involved.) It would be unfair to report it-because it’s a day late and a dollar short lol-there’s different people in it too. Some of you have already figured out which chapter I was in, smartie pants lol. If you do enough digging, you can find out. 😎
B. Do you think some people in your chapter will say sorry?
Will coronavirus be cured tomorrow, September 2nd 2020 lol? Can chickens drive? No and no. Bahahah. I do not expect anyone to ever apologize yet alone acknowledge my perspective. Here's the thing. I had good memories. Met good people I still keep in touch with. But at some point in time I read the writing on the wall too. Some people had a great time all the way through and can't see things from a different view. If you haven't experienced something, you don't know what it's like. It's easy to dismiss something and say get over it when it hasn't happen to you.
In other words, most of them have moved on and give zero f**** about how they treat/treated someone. I also wanted to share this in an article and 2 videos and be done with it. At this point I talk about it for educational purposes every blue moon, and that's it.
It's a doggy dog world and it's a sad fact that some feel like they have to cut someone to make it to the top.
P.S. I do envision a world where chickens can cross the road without their motives being questioned. Just saying.
P.S 2: Instead of talking about my negative experiences in APO, I rather spend more time talking about food, your favorite restaurants and just discuss eating like a pig. See my Instagram for more details. My eating habits are not a drill. Yassss!
C. What positions did you hold/awards you get/hours?
Here’s the positions I held. I don’t remember my hours. I took a screenshot before I dropped.
Side note: I don't do things for credit or clout. I volunteer because I like doing it, and I don't care if I get something or not. When I see something I like and I really want to get involved, I dive in heads first.
Inside APO world this stuff is cool, but outside of APO they are like "what's a service award?" In other words, you won’t hear me talk about this list-you will more in likely hear something about donuts, cookies, and cinnamon rolls from me, lol.
Awards, recognition and appreciation is nice, but on a deeper level I wish more of my former brothers were more honest with me. Instead of going behind my back talking to other members what I was doing wrong, I wish more of came to me directly. I can't read minds or fix something I don't know about.
Or worst spreading gossip. Instead of giving me a service award or friendship award, I would have loved their honesty. I would have loved direct and honest conversations, instead of bringing it up in elections for the first time and sabotaging me behind my back. I’ve volunteered with other organizations since and direct line of communication has been stellar.
D. Do you still talk with some of the people you met in your chapter?
Yes! Surprisingly. Some of them have seen these videos and actually saw some of the dismissive behaviors I was describing. Like I said in the article and video everyone wasn't causing trouble. I even keep in touch with some of the other people who dropped out of Alpha Phi Omega. I even broke off from my chapter many times to hang out with other people because I'm not a cliquey person. I'm willing to talk with anyone who wants to talk to me.
Because the truth regardless if you are in the organization or not, you can still be friends.
E. If anything I hope you walk away from these videos being nicer to people. If you see someone in your job, organization, class, etc by themselves, get to know them. I'm not saying dump the people you're close with- also hang out with people you're not as close with sometimes, even if in shorter periods of time. Who knows you might have another friend outside your main group you can hang out with.
Finally. I didn't think people would care to watch this or read the article. There's so many other things you could do with your time (like eat food). So thank you for your time in watching my videos and reading. If you wanna talk comment. :D