I Know Pain, Always Bleeding, Always
Things won’t end if they never began in the first place.
I know pain; always bleeding, always
swallowing things then splitting them back out.
Pain that sticks to you even after you forgotten where it’s from.
And I too, once knew the pain
of butterflies fluttering in your stomach;
Never ending storms that leave you ruined.
So when you told me I think I’m falling in love with you,
I’m sorry I closed my eyes.
I know what comes after this.
I know some stories won’t end in a kiss.
Don’t make me take it back.
Don’t ask me to split myself open
and rearrange what’s inside again;
You know I will. You know I love like love itself
is the reason I breathe.
Which means, in this day and age
I can’t love anyone at all.
I’m sorry, I closed my eyes then so after I count to three,
we can still pretend you never said it.
-G.Julyson
When I first saw this poem, it made me think of my friend. I’m glad I never told him how I felt. He passed away in 2020, and I hope he’s happy in the great beyond.
2024 Alesha wants to add a few more thoughts.
I’m to the point where I’m either going to figure it out or not.
Watching my loved ones pass away like this over and over again was hard. But how people who were still alive? How they treated me? It didn’t go unnoticed.
People didn’t show up, people disappeared, people asked why I was expecting them to help me. They (i.e the schools I attended at the time) claim that support for grief is out there, but in my experiences, involving people made it 1000% worst. I would have been better off not saying a word. I would have been better off getting a kick to the teeth, or going in nature deep in India for meditation.
Nowadays. My Mode.
#1. I do not expect for people to show up. If they do, and surprise me. Great. But I’m not looking for it like I did in my younger days. My expectations of people are very low nowadays, and I said f*** em.
#2. I do not post on social media when people pass way at this point. I’ve been to 50+ funerals, I’m a seasoned vet sadly at this grief thing. I’ve been through the rodeo multiple times. I did not need your prayers. I honestly don’t want your prayers. I needed a listening ear. Since so many people treated me so badly when I reached out, I started really leaving most people alone and realizing that people don’t want to be there, can’t be there, don’t know how to be there, or don’t care to be there. So many people disappeared on me, that I got involved in the disappearing act myself to see what was up. (More on the disappearing act and boundary setting below).
#3. I’m choosing to honor my loved ones’ legacies by living my life and choosing happiness. I hope they are living their best lives in the great beyond with God, Allah, (or whatever higher power you believe in, mention them in your mind here). Life ain’t easy and it ain’t sunshine and rainbows. I have a toolbox of skills I refer to. When life throws curveballs, I’ve built enough confidence and resilience. I power through whatever life throws my way.
#4. I’m unconcerned and unbothered. I unapologetically don’t care. My mom was like your more selfish nowadays, and I’m yup. As a woman, I’ve had to learn to stop being the go to to people I couldn’t go to. I stopped pouring into people’s cups. I stopped breaking my back for people who wouldn’t break a sweat for me. I wish people knew how much I don’t give a flying f**** nowadays.
#5. I’m less available, and decided to step back from being so helpful and decided to pour all the help I used to pour into others into my own cup. It’s been magical since doing that. I’ve had a glow up or two. I’m here and there. Wanna know how I’m doing something? Wanna know how I’m attending that event? Don’t wonder. Wonder why you are so focused on someone else? Focus more on finding your lane and staying in it. While you’re focused on the person you’re jealous of, I’m pretty sure the person you are jealous of is not focused on you and living their best existence. It’s really freeing to be in a place where you don’t care about what others think and being free of their opinions. I’m so hyper focused on me and in my own world.
#6. I have the right medical professionals in my corner and you won’t hear me b*t**ing about my chronic illnesses, how many times I go to hospital for treatment/chemo/physical therapy this, appointment that or ouchhhh I’m in pain this on Facebook, platter a long status for anyone to read. F*** it. For years I wasn’t believed and called all sorts of names. I learned that unless they been there or go through it yourself, most don’t care. It’s like “that’s not my problem” approach with people. So my question is why should I tell people? Especially when they are silent and that don’t care in the first place? I’m at the point where I realize people have their own problems and don’t want to take on yours. I had a spinal tap recently (and s**** those are no joke), and I wasn’t talking with anyone, was in an alternate reality through time and space. I was sleeping bro.
#7. The peace I have now is worth everything and everyone I lost. I won’t deal with anything I don’t have to. My peace, self care, growth, happiness and my goals are my number ones. I have my people, but I’m very picky on who I let in my life. My side of the story don’t matter anymore. I had to kick a lot of people off my table, and moving forward, who will sit at my table will be a very very cold-blooded process.
#8. I changed my boundaries. I’ve really started putting my phone on airplane mode (right now it’s dead anyways haha it keeps restarting and I gotta replace it soon). I don’t gossip and I’m not into drama. I’m not the jealous sort. Peace over being right, trying to prove people wrong.
#8a. I’ve had so many people disappear on me after people passed away, that I wondered what the hype was and started doing it myself. Now I see what the hype was. I do better when I keep my distance from the negativity. I’m doing so many great things people from my past wonder how I bounce back from all the bricks they threw. Off record. My chapter in their books are closed, there’s no need for them to be concerned with me. I literally don’t care about lot of people from my past anymore and I did it for my own good.
8b. Someone is traveling to Italy and you are sitting in your cubicle at work seething in jealousy. Someone in your feed bought a Lambo and you can barely afford the car payments for your car. Someone has a successful business and you wish you could be a entrepreneur or influencer, but you care about what your friends, family and peers think. You’re too scared to reach your “potential” out of fear. You won’t do what it takes. I’ve had people die on me, and people treat me mean over it. I’ve had a school claim that there were mental health services when my friends passed from suicide, but they were the first to jump ship. I’ve had people lie on me saying I did things I didn’t do. Too many mistake my kindness for weakness. Instead of playing victim, I changed my stripes and strategies a tad.
There’s plenty of things that people have that I don’t. And guess what? I’m saying good for them! And the other part is, what are you going to do about it? I figured at that point it’s better to work my angles instead of being jealous of others. And another thing, people care about themselves more than you. Once I started looking at life from those lenses, I started evening my odds on my own terms. You’re currently seeing this play out.
#9. I’ve had to burn a lot of bridges. I do not care about being liked. I take a lot of risks.
#10. If people can’t use you they don’t want to be bothered. I’m seeing this play out.
#11. I haven’t posted on my social media for a while (except for Instagram stories). It’s a discipline thing.
#11a. Part of being able to do all the multiple things I do? STOP KEEPING UP WITH OTHERS. Be your own idol, stop looking up to celebrities and people you don’t know, who don’t care about you. I do not keep up with others the same way they are apparently trying to keep up with me. Stop keeping up with people, period.
#12. I Know Pain, Always Bleeding, Always. I wear it like a badge of honor. But I don’t talk about it anymore. I have taken the stance that people don’t care about your circumstances, you have to care about yourself first. They don’t care about your pain, your feelings, your experiences or you. I don’t think most are worth my time and effort anymore.
#12a. Some people are waiting to see you fail, and you have to make sure they suffocate. Also, they say that the people that don’t like you watch you the most. Give them a show that they will never forget. I have so many great things happening right now that I decided not to overly brag on social media, but just live it, be it, and do it. I may break my FB break one day, but I doubt it for now.
#13. People are going to judge you no matter how you are and how you choose to live your life. Live your life.
#14. Somethings have to end for better things to begin.
#15. I don’t know if I’ll say this right. But the ants will see you as a giant, and the trees won’t notice you. Life will continue regardless if you are here or not. Make the most of it while you’re here.
#16. Don’t judge someone based on the chapter you walked in on.
I’m done, I’ll think of more later.
I ripped this one off my comments on my Bridesmaid thread (and I’m also a brute on there, just a warning)
People don’t change just because you hope they will. People didn’t show up because I wanted them too. I almost feel like on some level, they wanted me to fall deep deep in downward spiral so I can be the one they make fun of. Yup. I’m in a different mode nowadays. I’m to the point where I cut people after the first time. I gave people chance after chance after chance when I was younger. (We all make mistakes right and deserve grace, in theory was my thinking at the time). And instead of changing their behavior, they kept screwing me over behind my back. Now I’m less available, and they are finding that the Alesha they once had access to? That door is shut. I’m not as helpful like I once was, I’m stepping back and letting people help themselves more. If they happen to make it to their own finish line by their own doing, I’m cheering them on. If they get a head of me, I’m cheering them on. But I’m done being the helpful hand I once was, I’m pulling back and letting them climb Mount Everest on their own.
I’ll make this another article one day, but for now, Bye Felicia.
It’s 2022 at the time of this writing, but by the time you read it, it will be 2024. I had to write a ton of content ahead of time to stay consistent despite what’s happening. 🔥🙌
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