I’m An Auntie
https://www.instagram.com/p/CXv2xStr_aJ/
I have to start being cold blooded when people ask me my age.
I notice, nowadays, I’m asked about my age. Who I’m dating.
In every venture in life, they are going to start bugging you about something.
Now they are annoying the f*** out of me about marriage and kids. And the guys are messaging me in overdrive.
Today is Mother’s Day (Happy Mother’s Day To All The Mom’s Out There). This is not for the faint of heart. If you don’t have thick skin stop here.
Here’s why I don’t want to be a parent. Here’s why I’m tired of people asking me my age so they can try to hook me up with their son or nephews. So you can try to force me into thinking motherhood is the next step and it’s not for me….
This is not in any particular order….
- I’ve been told I’m a giver and I don’t look for anything in return. This is true. I went through so many hard things in my years of school (and life after that) that I no longer have any more energy reserves in me. Grief and burnout together is no joke. I cannot give from an empty cup. I spent years being everything to everyone. Now I decided to take my power back, and I’m more comfortable with being called mean and selfish. I can’t imagine putting myself in a situation similar to martydom, where I would be on call 24-hours a day 7 days a week without no support. Moms are never off the clock. I have a feel for what I can tolerate on my own (and I do have limits). I’m comfortable with saying my needs come first despite the name-calling.
- I do not expect anyone to do for me like I would do for them given the situation. Some cousins are like “but you will be a good mother” but when that door shuts behind me at the end of the day, I’m solely responsible for anything and everything that happens. If I’m having a health crisis, will you be there? Who would be willing to take care of my kids for 6 to 8 weeks while I’m in the hospital/recovering from surgeries? What if that one tragedy happens where I can’t hold it together like I’ve always been doing, and that’s the one tragedy that puts me in the looney bend? Will you come to my aid? I always think to myself if no one is around, could I handle this? Could I handle the consequences and after math of it all? If not, I’m out. Motherhood is something that once your in, your in. I do not have to be a mom to know that it’s the hardest (and sometimes thankless) job in the world. Motherhood is no take-backs, no maybe I don’t like this, you can’t drop out of it like you would an organization, can I go back? NO. I don’t want to regret or resent motherhood, or be forced into anything.
2a. I cannot have kids and expect the world to take care of them. I cannot expect people to be there for me in the ways I think they should, wish they could, and want them to be. When I had surgeries, not a single friend was there in the waiting room. Only one family member, my mom was there. I got the feels throughout the years how much support I would get, and that’s close to none. If asking (or borderline begging) for help looks like this, there’s no way I’m putting myself in a situation where I would need help that isn’t always available. If I can’t do it myself I won’t get into it.
2b. Question. To all the moms out there.
How in the f*** do you do all that. And get back up and do it non-stop over and over again?
Here I am, I have my mental peace. Why complicate life if I don’t have to?
2c. A man who gets it.
You give so much to help your family, friends, community, or even strangers without expecting anything in return. But very few people recognize that you might need help sometimes, too. Recently you might have gone through a tough time and needed help, but nobody was there to lend a hand. -Quote from my Email That Resonates So Much I Keep Re-Using It In My Damn Articles Over and Over.
When a good girl has been broken by the people she loves. She’s not selfish for focusing on herself. She been through a lot of shit. That pain she been through has made her life fall apart. So now she’s spending every waking moment trying to put herself back together, along with her life so that she can live her best life. STOP MAKING A GIRL FEEL GUITY FOR PUTTING HERSELF FIRST. She’s been putting everybody else first before her. How the feel is she supposed to live her best life, when you are draining the life out of her.-selflove_speaker.
When you see Angel Number 1 this is a special message from your guardian angel that you are not alone. Recently you may have gone through a time in your life when you felt alone or unsupported. This number often appears after we ask for help from others but receive no support. These feelings of loneliness usually appear after we feel physically or emotionally abandoned by our loved ones. It’s no secret that you have supported many people throughout your life without asking for anything in return. But when you needed help, nobody was there to lift you up.
You don’t like asking for help, even though you know others would be more than happy to lend a hand. This struggle of giving and taking has always been difficult for you. On the outside, you are positive, generous, and social, but when times get tough it is difficult for others to see through the facade you put up.
Nah, façade is not it. I’ve been more vocal. It’s interesting when people say I should get a guy, because they would support you in motherhood if you ever changed your mind, like that’s the end-all-be-all automatic problem solver. Too many times, asking for help and depending on others led to bad bad things. No I don’t like asking for help because too many times asking for help is like a death wish, people made fun of the situation, made it worst, similar in my early grade school years. In my experience, when it got rough, people left. When I did ask, people avoided. Some early best friends betrayed my trust and gossiped when all I ever did was be a good friend (and other people chimed in, acted jealous and believed it at face value), When I openly loved without fear, I lost stability, a home, my life, the person I once was, experienced unsafe situations. You can’t always forget the past when the past won’t even let you. When I openly loved my dream school without fear, I experienced chest tightening, heat in my throat, not being able to keep food down, being in a situation that felt like dread, getting sick all the time, racism, people not seeing me as a human being, but someone to throw away and use at their disposal, and a never ending nightmare. Ultimately, if being vulnerable and asking for help leads to all that, I’m good. When the love assessments that I take say that I’m fearful avoidant, I agree 200%! We live in a cruel cold world and too many people do not care about the harm they cause you. (And yes, I do have friends, but it takes me a while to trust them. Let me pull in this quote: The pain you felt after a breakup was so bad that now you are more protective of who you let into your heart. When around your friends or family you are very social, easy to talk to, and extroverted. Yet, other times you are reserved, quiet, and tired. When you meet someone new it takes time before they become part of your “inner circle” of friends. They need to earn your trust first. You are selective of who gets to know the “real” you. I’m very selective. Vulnerability described as a kind of sword that you freely give to someone else. It’s practically giving another person an opportunity to deeply wound you with what you share. It’s good to be choosy. Now lets tie in the first part into why I think I’ll make a better aunt.
I do not want to f*** up or be charged with neglect of a dependent. Or leave my kids with a babysitter to find out they escaped and I get thrown in jail for genuinely trying to be responsible. I think some people enter motherhood/fatherhood/parenthood without no earthly idea of the gravity of the responsibility they are about to enter. If you try to tell me that my life won’t change after having kids, you are crazy. I do not want my whole identity to be just a mom, or be so consumed by it that everything else falls to the wayside, and become one of those people that posts about their kids, and not have a life outside it. Too many people I know said they wouldn’t be that person, but as soon as they become parents, every post is about their kids. And they lose who they are. To keep from being burned, I keep myself at a safe distance (an Elite Daily quote). I do not want to get taken advantage of or get burned more times. Too many times listening to well-intentioned advice and “what I’m supposed to want.” I’m currently on my journey of what I really want and it’s far from what people claim I’m supposed to want.
What I’m supposed to want lead to getting burned. So nowadays I think for myself. And choose myself.
2c. As a society, we really don’t mind if women suffer, physically or mentally, as long as it makes things easier for men.
To keep myself safe in a world that doesn’t look out for me or victim shames, I decided to start taking certain measures (I won’t list them all here). As a child-free woman, I look at articles like this and say yep. Yep. Yep. I do not want kids under ANY circumstances at this point, and look at all of the preventable measures I have to take, and that includes staying away from most people. (Because sometimes the women try to set me up with their nephews and sons…) And realize that this world is for men by men, and too many of them don’t care about what harm they cause, even if it means getting personal pleasure for them (guy friends I love you, don’t take what I’m saying the wrong way. I’m not going to lump you all in one category and say you’re all bad. At the end of the day I have to look out for me and mines, because no one is going to, and these Tik Toks I’ve been posting explain it perfectly).
Guys, I love you. But I refuse to be taken out of my peace again. I faced harsh and cruel consequences for giving and trusting the wrong people. I have guys hitting on me left and right, and the question I ask now is this person worth my peace? It’s a humbling no. For now and the foreseeable future, I decided to send my love out to the world as a friend and child-free friend only. Protecting my peace & solitude is #1.
3. So let me tie in the first three point five points with the final knot. I believe myself to be a very confident person (and if you keep reading, I discuss times when my confidence took a hit). I’m not confident in my skills as a mother, and I went through some hard times in 2021 and 2020 with friends and family passing away, and it left me secretly shattered and devastated. I keep a lot to myself also because I don’t think a lot of people would understand. And the bigger thing is my family and friends have lives of their own, and I’m not gonna keep saying “hey my cousin died this week, hey my buddy died that week.” Or be that person to only call someone when someone dies or to always bring them devastating news. Realistically, no one wants to hear that shit all the time. I think to myself, could I deal with devastation after devastation on my own with kids in the mix if all of this happened to me at the same time? My personal reserves are depleted at this time of this article, so no. A humbling no.
Interestingly enough, I didn’t text people Merry Christmas and Happy Thanksgiving in 2021 just to see if anyone would reach out (Number #1, I’m still recovering from surgeries, #2. Very few did. So this tells me if I’m in a crisis, I’m mostly on my own to deal with it. When you are in the midst of something, most do not care about you because they are busy with their own lives. (And even if they did, I’m not gonna overly burden. I might just say give me a hug and call it a day.). Everything starts, begins, and ends with me.
4. As an outsider looking in, I don’t want to give up my freedom, be tied down, or look back at my life resenting or regretting kids, AND being everything to everyone. I see way too many women give up their self care for everyone else, and that’s why I decided to be a supportive auntie to the “moms” in my life instead and offer free baby sitting. Being a mother is a thankless job, and it’s many years of no sleep and even more years of full financial support for a human who might not always be very grateful for it. I don’t think I would be a great mom, I think I’m a better mom to animals! I started a Youtube channel to document my journey of taking care of as many animals as possible. I’m not kidding about the animal mom thing! An unexpected pregnancy would be my worst nightmare. At the time of this writing, I think I would be one of those people that would become a mother and say “Omg, what kind of f**** hell did I get myself into.” I would be scared to death, and it would bring back all those memories of dealing with unpleasant things on my own. At least when I overdo/overextend it nowadays, I have time to recoup because no one is bothering me. I don’t have to worry about how to take of someone else while healing from surgery, or a massive headache with ringing in the ears. More than one time, I was passing out, sleep for days, so sick the room spinned, saw colors, keeping my eyes open made me get massive headaches. I realistically thought about this. Could I take care of kids in this state, especially if it’s at 6 to 8 week intervals multiple times throughout the year? Let’s be real. NO. (My doctors admitted that they didn’t give me a warning about everything I may or gonna experience then these surgeries happen. I’m like shit next time please warn me.)
5. I’m self aware enough to know it’s not for me. I’m not the type of person that will say I know how to do something and I really don’t. Or say I know something that I don’t. I rather be upfront with you and tell you what’s not my lane, then go into something not really knowing and looking like a fool. I know my emotional and mental limitations better than anyone else. Detaching and numbing will not work. Compartmentalizing only goes so far. By prioritizing my health, healing, emotional and mental well being, I’m saying no. I know how much of a burden caregiving can be on me personally when I was in financial ruin and had no one to turn to. Or when I did ask for help it was thrown in my face and made worst. Or trying to do things from a place of exhaustion, fatigue and health issues because I was so worn out. I literally could not function as a human being, and small tasks seem to be insurmountable and impossible to do. Being at 25% trying to help everyone else was pure hell. I can’t imagine being in a situation where I’m expected to give give give give give give without a breather.
6. I got financially ruined being an idiot in school. I got burned multiple times for being vulnerable (And believing what others told me about college improving my life, I have a whole new perspective, I don’t think it’s the golden ticket I thought it would be growing up. I’ve been mislead by so many well intentioned people and advice. I may reference a few of these below) Some have said you are punishing yourself and being too hard on yourself (especially after reading my story), but it took years to recover from that, and some aspects I’ll never get over. My self-esteem and confidence took a hit, and I never felt so badly in my life. I would need enough wealth to hire nannys for self care purposes. According to the Today Show and other media outlets, mental health breaks are very important. If self-care, mental health breaks, and nannys (that’s not able to happen), then no. I do not want to lose myself in that way ever again, it was way too painful. I want to keep my dignity as a human being. Losing people is one thing, losing yourself is a whole another level. I never knew that openly loving without fear, trying to be nice, and being a giver can cause that much damage on top of watching people pass away (panic attacks, feeling like I can’t breathe, feeling like a elephant is on my chest, heart racing like I’m in a race, nausea, and literally feeling like I can’t function as a human being. I’m all for challenges, but I don’t want to ever experience not being able to breathe ever again. I do not want to lose my dignity like that.). I already don’t trust like I used to and don’t see life the same like I used to. Firstly, I’m not going to voluntarily put myself in situations where I let things slip by me over and over again, it’s one thing not to trust people that’s wronged you, but it’s bad to get to the point where the experiences have you questioning the trust you have in yourself. I listened to well intentioned advice, which includes what I’m supposed to want. No thank you, I listen to my inner voice more nowadays, and started being more aware of what advice to take and what to leave. I’ve written an article on all the angel numbers I’ve been seeing, and 222, I’m sure he can heal a broken heart, but I’m not going to keep putting myself in situations just to deal with something over and over and over again. NO.
I’ve even had emails from the ancestors, guides, angels, the universe, and the answer is still no. Lol.
Archangel Barbiel is here to convert difficult feelings into genuine compassion for yourself and others.
Are you ready? Are you open to it?
If you hesitated, it’s okay, Alesha…
That is expected. Our human experience doesn’t necessarily promote transmutation of these negative emotions — our society usually promotes becoming stagnant there.
We’re taught that revenge is the way or that when you’ve been wronged that you shouldn’t trust others the same way again.
Truly, Alesha, this is the fastest way to becoming cold-hearted and closed off to your natural divine right to love and abundance.
Archangel Barbiel wants to see you live your most fulfilling, passion-fueled human experience, so he is here to offer his healing.
There is a difference between “turning the other cheek” and doing what is right, Alesha.
As much as we would love to remain passive about issues, Archangel Barbiel encourages you to stand up for yourself.
He holds a fiery sword that cuts through the darkness, exposing truths and also highlighting the best way to handle them.
No, this does not mean to go out and seek revenge, but Archangel Barbiel does wish to show you how to set and maintain boundaries.
The good fight here is about fighting for yourself.
Barbiel has helped me develop the inner strength to stand up for myself many times, Alesha, so I know that you have the ability to do this, too!
As much as you would love to give, give, give, or remain forgiving of others, that does not mean that you should feel depleted or drained of your energy.
This should also not make you angry or closed off to the world, Alesha.
Instead, Archangel Barbiel offers the medicine of self-love and deep compassion for yourself.
All of the forgiveness that you would normally grant to others so freely should be poured into yourself, Alesha.
Barbiel is here to remind you that you did the best with what you could do with the knowledge that you had at that time.
Barbiel, hun, no thank you. I’ve gained more knowledge since and I’m good. It’s amazing the amount of time “the universe” is spending trying to force me into a situation I clearly don’t want to be in. No thanks babe.
Then she’s gonna have the nerve to say:
The quickest way to cut yourself off from abundance is becoming cold hearted and cutting yourself off from the world.
Well off the record, listening to others well intentioned advice and thinking they had my best interested financially f****ed me over. Truth me told, it’s one of the quickest way I got burned, taken advantage of, and having to pick myself up from it when no one is around. No one cared when I needed it most, and it showed.
It’s better to be by yourself than be around toxic and draining people that keep you from becoming all you can be. I will stick to myself unless I find people on my same wavelength. I rather get my “abundance” on my own, no matter what that looks like. With my experiences of shame, guilt, and embarrassment when asking for help + dealing with difficult seasons alone I will figure it out. I barely ask for help even when I should or deserve to.
7. The generational trauma stops.
8. Life circumstances. Watching my friends and pass away from suicide, other traumas and other things ripped my heart out of my chest and adversely changed how I see life. I’m not the same person as I was before all of that. Secretly, it’s terrifying to get close and love something or someone so deeply just to lose them. I do not want to get caught in a downward spiral and put kids in the middle of that.
9. I would be worried and scared to death about my kids. This world is cruel, and I don’t want to bring them into this cruel world.
10. I want to protect and preserve what mental health I do have left (sometimes I wonder how many lose screws I have). I see what needs to be sacrificed in order to be a parent from watching my other family members and friends go through it. And after experiencing burnout, grief, health issues, fatigue, I don’t have it in me. I don’t care how strong some of you say I am, I am done. I need time to myself to reboot and recover from this cold world, I will mention this several times throughout. By myself, I can sit in peace, quiet, and reflect. If I had kids, experiencing death, unexpected financial struggles, chronic illnesses, health issues, surgeries and burnout at the same time? It would be a ever living nightmare. It’s not fair to the kids.
11. Toxic dynamics from my experiences in school especially, I’m still working on that/unpacking. The person I thought I was going to be growing up, and who I actually am today is not the same. I’m not the person I thought I was going to be. I’ve come to terms that somethings I really wanted isn’t going to happen, so I vicariously live it through my friends and family. I’m not a jealous type, and I can be happy for others even if I’m having a hard time. (Life is and can be enjoyable, I just let go of the vision that I thought it would be in my head. As a young kid, I had this hope for this by this time, but said f*** it, and just leave it open to interpretation moving forward/taking it one day at a time. And I don’t think I’m in a 100% peaceful place yet, but I do not want to disrupt the newfound peace and freedom days I do get. I don’t want to disturb my process that I’m working so hard towards and through; with a child I really believe I would get overextended, burned out, and I would break and bust my own limits. There were times when I couldn’t give myself the care I needed (and sometimes I feel like I don’t). Adding a kid (or two) would cause my quality of life and finances to deteriorate more in my humble opinion, like for real. I’m currently claiming a few other schools as my own. Go Hoosiers!
12. Chronic illnesses. They will and continue to kick my ass, take me to the choppers, and makes me feel like someone is smashing my head in or bashing me in with a baseball bat. And makes me feel like I’m being stabbed and drains my money. I love to workout. I’m an actress and musician and love to travel. Chronic illnesses literally stops me dead in my tracks and makes me so fatigued that I’m out for a while. A new recent development? I started experiencing massive headaches in my eyebrows, pain in my upper back and hair falls out. Great right?
13. Butttt you are the only child. I explained to my cousins that they are my legacies. They are my bloodline. Super proud of them, they will pass on the family name (and I don’t care what their last names are anyways, we can trace things with Ancestry and 23&Me anyways. ). Mom is one of 13 and my grandpa Peterson is one of 12. I’m good. I don’t need to have kids for my bloodline to be passed on. I have 6th cousins!
14. I’m an advocate for mom’s self care. And I don’t think I can do that if I’m a mom myself. I make a better auntie.
Who’s going to look out for the kids when the mom friends need to go out on the town and get time to herself?
I’m not saying that I want to stay in the hotel the whole time, I would love to spend time with the girls (hey, us single gals can help our mom friends bring back that carefree single side, even if it’s for a couple of hours). But the fact of life is: Their carefree days and life as they know it has changed entering motherhood. When she’s home, everyone needs her, demands things off of her, and she’s exhausted.
The best love I can give as an auntie for a mom friend is time to herself.
15. There’s a double standard for women and men. If a dad changes a diaper, they go awwww that’s so cute and he’s being a good dad. But if a mom does it, they think it’s something she’s supposed to be doing. The title of mom has way more weight than the title of dad. Not only as a woman, do you do way more bringing the child into the world, you end up doing more day to day child duties. As a woman, when you become a wife and mother, your whole identity is based on this, and dads are given the greenlight to not define their whole existence on being dad;
Motherhood is more defined role because you naturally do more and your involved more (get pregnant, childbirth, day to day child care activities, usually unless you hire a nanny). It’s usually defined by a male oriented society.
Fatherhood don’t define fathers the same way it define mothers; do they call men old maids or when they decide not to have children? Sometimes. Usually women are dinged WAY MORE for saying no to traditional roles/won’t conform. You’re seen as being selfish.
I address more of this here. As someone who doesn’t want to be a mom, I’m like why get into these dynamics? I mean if life circumstances moves me to go down the motherhood road, fine (I doubt it though). I’m not defined by a male relationship or having a kid; it’s a personal choice and what matters is being happy and productive. When you reach a certain age, the only thing most people think you should be doing is spending your time trying to find a husband and being a mom. It’s very discerning to me to always be asked about being a mom or I will change my mind. Can we discuss reasons why being a mother is not for me instead of always trying to convince me it is?
16. I choose to live my life on what I want, not what this world wants for me. I’m not going to be a mother because of the status quo, to fit in or to do what others want. I’m an outsider, and I really don’t strive to fit in anyways. To conform would be a form of self-disrespect. I do not care to keep up with the joneses, or be what I’m not. I rather people keep asking the questions, then actually be in the situations they are pressuring me to be in and hating my life. I got to live with myself and look at myself in the mirror at the end of the day. There’s a lot of things out of my control, but what is within my control I can take ownership and accountability for. Part of that is not putting myself in situations based on other people or other people’s happiness; just because you are in a happy situation doesn’t mean the same will be for me.
“But Alesha you don’t know what you will like and what you won’t like.”
I’ve tried, and I’m good. Listening to other people, while it was all good intentions, was very misleading. I would hate to be led down the motherhood path (pre-destined), get mislead again, and not be able to go back and change it. You can’t change the past, but I can for sure be smarter about what I listen to. Sometimes, it’s good to let things go in one ear and out the other. All my life, I was told that college would make my life better-this is not the right article for this- but boy has my stance changed. (It was well intentioned advice, but my ass got tore up, no one will ever understand how deep that got!)
This has led you to question whether you made the right decision or took the wrong path in life.(333)
Maybe you stumbled upon a childhood toy or book that reminded you of a time when life was easier and you had more hope about the future.
A sign that you’ve been thinking about the past and wondering whether you made the right decisions.
You often consider what your life might be like if you had chosen a different career or married someone else. Although you can’t change the past, you have a feeling that you wandered off your predestined path without realizing it. Now it’s too late to go back and change.
I would be questioning and thinking what I was told was/is misleading. And wishing I didn’t listen to the people in my life. You can’t go back and change things once you become a mother. I think after having a conversation with my mom about how depression runs in the immediate family, I would be very concerned about post partum depression and child-birth complications. (And being black, I will automatically put myself in the high risk category, I explain more of this below).
Can we celebrate singlehood like we celebrate marriage and kids? I think we should celebrate everyone no matter what life they decide to lead, and be happy for that person if they are happy themselves.
17. Some mothers have kids as accessories, or to fill a void in their life that won’t necessarily be filled by having a kid. I do not want to have a child to get child support or have a kid because I expect them to take care of me when I get old. I do not want to live off the system (not judging people who need it, I just don’t want that). I trusted the government while I was in college, and boy oh boy, trusting others with my destiny and asking for help was a epic nightmare. To do the same thing over, because I’m made to believe that others care, would reach out and be supportive, I would be a damn fool. I do not want to have a kid to receive child support payments. I do not want to have a kid by a guy because I think he’s cute. I’m the bitch that walks out of the bedroom, because of the end of the day, I want my peace more than ANYTHING. There’s plenty of other ways to make money without involving a kid.
People think that women without kids will die alone. Actually, there’s no guarantee that your children will care for you when you’re old.
19. If you think I’m being vocal in this article, some of the conversations in my various childfree Facebook groups are off the chain. I’m not as vocal as some of them. If you are interested in me getting off the chain like that, let me know.
20. If I ever have kids (which includes adopting), and they come across this article, I want you to know my honest thoughts. I will never pressure you to have kids, because at the time of this writing I don’t want kids. I’m not going to change my mind. I do have fur babies.
21. Validation for me being and staying childfree. (Thank you Rich Auntie Supreme For This). I do not want to regret having kids. Or not be able to get help because from the outside looking in “I look ok.”
After reading many posts from the publication Modern Parent, those are some of the most honest posts I’ve seen in my life. I could keep going for days, My Husband Is Useless and Does Nothing, But Who Takes Care Of Me, Why Moms Never Sleep, I Don’t Want To Be A Mom Anymore, 10 Things I Wish I Knew Before Becoming A Mother, Why Mothers Isn’t As Happy As Fathers, Stop Rushing Me, My Husband Doesn’t Get It, Why You Seemed To Get Overwhelmed With Motherhood, Motherhood Is One Neverending Monday, Why Are So Many Fathers Terrible, 10 Self-Care Things To Do Before The Baby Arrives, I care but I can’t sympathize, The More You Give, The More They Take , The Modern Burden Of Parenting, My Husband Wants Me To Work, (I left the comma in the other mom article where I could have, because the point I was indirectly trying to make that there was a lot more to where that came from.)
I do not want to see the posts of the perfect family always being posted on Facebook all the time, like life is always perfect. Do I believe quite a few people are happy with their lives? Yes. But life ain’t perfect, shit happens. Thank you Modern Parent (and the people brave enough to share their story) for giving me the real deal, instead of the social media posts that I usually see of the perfect family life on my personal Facebook. These articles give me the real deal instead of fronting appearances and what they want the world to see. I’m a person that likes to see beyond the social media posts. What is really up? Those people on there just keep it for real with you, not try to act like it’s all sunshine and rainbows. And trust me, those stories on there gets pretty deep.
22. As a mom, people criticize the decisions you make. It’s vicious out here, we should be supporting each other as women, moms, and aunties, even if we have different ways of doing things, even if we disagree. Not ripping each other a part. Some of the comments I see is madness, moms, ladies, why not have each other’s backs? We are all trying to figure it out. I want to buy the shirt that says don’t follow me, I’m also lost.
23. I’m already planning on being an animal mother and already am. I wouldn’t want to become a mom and be/become/get more bitter and pissed.
If you’re pissed, and someone did something shitty to you and you never got justice for it. This may help. Idk.
24. Speaking of being an animal mother, I started a Youtube Channel called My Animal Clan, where I feed animals and look out for as many animals as possible. Eventually, I would like to do something similar to Rosie did. Stray kittens in my home sounds wonderful, and I already feed 8 outdoor cats. Animals make great friends, and don’t backstab, lie, spread gossip and rumors on you. I’m going to document me taking care of animals.
25. I want to celebrate other’s successes like it’s my own. This includes friends and family member’s kids. Even if I’m going through something bad, I want to be someone’s Miss Nigeria-revel in their successes like it’s my own-it pays to be happy for other people’s success by the way. Even if I’m down, I’m happy for you. If things isn’t going my way, it’s not no one else’s fault that things are going badly. I want to celebrate my friend’s kids and grandkids, like Oprah celebrated her kids.
26. I will put my other articles as references, but I make it pretty clear in my body of work that I love my solitude, you can’t look to others to show you the same love you show them, and I’m better off being by myself for now and the foreseeable future. I’m a pretty self-aware person.
25. You can die from childbirth, and some people think that having a kids is a given and automatic thing. Being a black woman in the United States (again, I hate to keep bringing up race, but it is what it is), it’s a high risk. With some of the health issues I’ve had, after reading that article, I’m putting myself in the high risk category. In my home state of Indiana, too many women die from childbirth.
26. Or those parents, usually mothers, who get sick of doing everything around the house and go on strike. I’ve read more articles where it says that the mothers get the brunt of the house hold duties regardless if it’s mean to be this way or not. As someone that enjoys my peace, quiet and free time, why get into it?
This invisible workload of motherhood is real, and the invisible workload of medical motherhood is multiplied. If only I could hire an assistant.-Alethea Mshar
I will be my friends and cousin’s assistance as much as humanly possible. I don’t plan on ever being a mother, so I have more time to help out if I’m free, and more time to recoup and recover.
27. I will continue to be an animal to moms, and be a child-free woman. Sir, stay in your lane, and deal with issues in the church. You are not having them nor are you going to take care of them. Bye Felicia.
28. I saw somewhere that people with the fearful avoidant and dismissive avoidant style ideally shouldn’t pass this on to their kids. Here it is: Parenting with this attachment style can cause serious trauma to your child since you cannot fully love them or allow your feelings to show. You should seek therapy and learn healthier bonding tools before considering parenthood. I plan on not being a mom anyways, (team auntie). If in the unfortunate event I become a parent with the fearful-avoidant/dismissive mix, I would go for it. I don’t let my guard down so easy because I also don’t have enough experiences telling me that I’ll be safe if I do. It’s interesting because this world sends a lot of mixed messages. They say you should be independent and take care of yourself, but then when you get to that point, they then tell you to pull back a little bit, let someone in to potentially hurt you? Don’t think so, not so fast. I even saved a video on Instagram where it said that being too independent is a trauma response.
Yeah ok. Fine. I have trauma. So what? What is the solution? I depend on another person AGAIN and they hurt me AGAIN and then I go through the whole process of healing myself again? No thanks. I better be hella independent. (gunsandrose_, my favorite)
Hell I agree with guns and roses. Vulnerability is described as a kind of sword that you freely give to someone else. It’s practically giving another person an opportunity to deeply wound you with what you share. I’ve learned everyone is not safe or trustworthy, and it’s good to be choosy. It’s good to be choosy about who you share things with. It’s like the saying — “don’t cast your pearls before swine.” Just because you can always share, doesn’t mean you always should. I would tell any kids in my life that you got to be choosy. Everyone is not a friend or trustworthy.
I was one of those children that was quite independent. I learned early that the adults around me can’t be trusted to fulfill my needs, so I turned inward. Fear-based upbringing started around 4th grade made me realize that everyone doesn’t have your best interest in mind and some people watch you just to see you fail. My schools (grade school and college) were toxic environments, and a lot of times, your emotions and hardships were used against you to see how much you can take. (High school was great, and the only relaxing school years I had). Many of my teachers early on and some professors at the time wasn’t trustworthy or safe, in fact they were a biggo clique of racists, gossip queens and trouble makers.
The truth ingrained in my subconscious is that I can’t rely on anyone to support my emotional needs. (And take my word for it, I have plenty of experiences to verify this, even as recent as 2021 and at the time of this writing).
Independence is and has always been the only safe, reliable route for me. So yes, I do throw up my guards again and put on the brakes. I even find that some people you love most start to distance themselves from you because they don’t want to take on your problems, they have their own lives and problems going on. At this point, I do not expect anyone to come save me, because if I were to wait, I drown waiting. My mom has always told me that if something were to happen to her, no one would give a f*** about you. She’s telling the truth. (And based on dealing with friends and family members passing away, I find that people don’t/didn’t check up on me, I have to reach out first.). She’s right. Are these articles suggesting I ask for support that’s not available? Or ask for support that isn’t freely given or something that doesn’t exist? You can’t ask for something that people don’t have the capacity to give.
Deep-rooted trust issues. During childhood, you most likely experienced serious trauma and neglect. Abused children often take on this attachment style, as it grows out of a fear-based upbringing. I wasn’t abused in my home at all, if you want to say school was abusive I won’t disagree.
If I had to pick one end of the spectrum to be on (dependent or independent) I would pick independent and too independent. I have faced many major consequences before for trusting the wrong people, the wrong schools and now I’m scared by the word ‘trust’. I’ve said this many times in this article and several others. For years, I looked for something that was never there. I looked for safety, love, and security in a place and people that didn’t have and never had the capacity to give it.
To repeat the cycle of looking for love and asking for help which isn’t available is too much for me, instead of waiting around for something that might not never come I rather swim out to it. And sometimes past behavior does indicate future behavior- does predict future behavior (thanks Dr. Phil!). I’m not going to open up to someone with toxic characteristics (gossip, spreading rumors, backstabbing jealous of you) because the world tells you that it’s the worst thing to be on your own (and trust me it’s not). We need each other to a certain extent, but I would also tell the kids in my life:
- People will let you down
- People don’t always keep their promises.
- Sometimes the people that tell you they will be there are the first to leave.
- People say one thing and do another; what people say and what they do is sometimes different
- Being alone doesn’t necessarily mean lonely. Sometimes it’s better to be by yourself and grow by yourself than be around a group of friends that are jealous, isn’t supportive of you, or keep you from becoming the person you are meant to be. The people you choose to be around can nurture your growth or hamper it.
- Sometimes friendships fall apart. You have to be flexible when it comes to your friendships. Some people are forever, some people are just a season. Some people you can stop talking to them for 10 years, and pick up the phone on the 11th year and pick up right where you left off. Sometimes, the people you’ve known the shortest time (or complete strangers) is more supportive than people you’ve known for years.
All the time, you are all you got at the end of the day, and that has to be enough. And if my kids became too independent because of that, I rather them take care of themselves than being too dependent on others. Because the world isn’t going to help you, don’t care and a lot of times don’t give a fuck. And trust me, people will show you their true colors during your hardships.
I accepted the situations for what they are instead of what I wanted them to be, what I thought they would be, and what they used to be.
There’s pros and cons to every attachment style by the way.
29. This email stuck out to me like a sore thumb. Infact both of them
Ever wonder why you can be so good at manifesting certain things in your life but other things seem impossible
? And you’re doing everything “right”…
Manifesting takes more than just deciding or claiming what you desire…it takes more than your conscious decision making, because you’re being influenced by your unconscious mind, which is where many stories have been programmed and on replay for a very long time. And those stories were most likely created when your brain gave something a meaning (something like “love, money, relationships, etc…be it “good”, “bad” or “ neutral”), your brain made some decisions on how the story went, one that it felt would keep you safe. It’s really helpful in giving us what we need when we’re in “crisis mode”, but eventually, we get out of “crisis mode” and it no longer serves who we’ve grown into.
Maybe at one point the story was that you couldn’t trust men (just an example) because you were deeply hurt and not seeing clearly to make the most aligned decisions, so that became your story. The story allowed you to not get close to anyone aka “protect your heart”, which then “ prevented” you from getting hurt. (I still don’t trust most people off the record) And maybe it felt ok at the time but eventually you felt ready to love again (I love animals, and that’s going to be enough forever). And…it’s not happening despite doing everything “right”.
What about looking at the pattern in your body that was created when you first experienced the trauma of “love” or “money” or “relationships”? It’s a physical sensation that you can feel if you give your body a safe space to do so. Otherwise you’ll keep trying to plow through it, ignoring it, manifesting from the energy in which it was created.
“Things will just continue to manifest in the energy that it was created until you make the conscious decision to unpack where it came from.”
You probably hear people saying “change your thoughts”, “reroute your thoughts” or “choose better ones”…I’ve said that, I teach that on some level, but here’s the thing, those thoughts and beliefs come from an unconscious rooted place within you. And it becomes a pattern in your body that, if it keeps getting suppressed, disregarded or left unhealed, will always remain in your body left to manifest by default.
Are you even aware of what your “default” manifestations are? Things will just continue to manifest in the energy that it was created until you make the conscious decision to unpack where it came from. Until your BODY decides that it is safe to “go there”. Your brain knows you’re ready but your body doesn’t. And the one thing you can’t do is override your body’s patterns by thinking your way out of them the way you’ve been taught to.
I’ve done really hard things in life, overcome a lot, but watching someone you love slip away is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do . And the thing is, life just keeps going. The world doesn’t stop because sh*t is happening in your life. It keeps going (truth).
I was able to experience the pain and hardships while still showing up for myself in other areas of my life. Was it at the level that I normally operate from? NO. It wasn’t. But this time I was OK with that.
It took a massive loss in my life to heal parts of myself that had craved healing for longer than I had admitted or recognized.
I’m not manifesting motherhood at all, but the guys are chasing me down like crazy lately and I’m like why? I do not like my messages being blown up like this. I’m interested in friendships only at this point. And the only children I’m having is cat, dog and animal children.
Secondly, The world doesn’t stop because sh*t is happening in your life. It keeps going. Truth. I also want to add in that most people don’t give a f***, and the more you can learn this and not take it personal, the better. Everyone needs someone to talk to during hard times, but I also notice that a lot of people distance themselves from you because they got their own lives going on. And taking on your problems would pile their plate. And they don’t care. If they care, cool; if they make time for you, you got keepers. If you got someone who’s willing to help you even if they are struggling? KEEP THEM. I’ve gotten so used to operating from a place of grief and pain that it’s second nature. I’ve manifested success with everything I’ve wanted as far as career, hobbies, and animals. You just do the best you can, and know that there are better days ahead. And if it doesn’t feel like it will ever get better, find one thing in the days you can be happy for. And I’ve gotten used to being happy alone, and want to ride the rest of my days on this earth solo. I will be social and go out with friends, but my quiet place is my peaceful place.
P.S. I’m not going to have kids and expect the world to care or take care of them. No one is coming to save me and never have. So why in the hell would I expect anyone to help me if I had kids?
30. I know there’s women out here who will have kids by a guy because they think he’s cute or for government to take care of them. I asked for help from the government during school. Things got really bad and I made a promise to myself if I get out of this alive, I will never be someone’s puppet like this again.
31. I’m going to tie this in…..on why I won’t be approaching the motherhood path.
we didn’t plan to become closed off to the world, but a lot of us were taught that it’s safer to go through difficult seasons alone than to risk being vulnerable with the wrong people.
we learned this lesson the hard way — we asked for help, only to be judged and ridiculed. we poured into people who never truly appreciated us. we didn’t just stumble, we fell flat on our faces — because there was no shoulder left to lean on. we looked around for our support system and saw an empty room.
and as much as we don’t want to hold onto these parts of our stories, how could we ever forget how that felt?
healing is a difficult, frightening process. some days, we feel light. we can feel ourselves letting go of situations that used to trigger us. other days, we feel the weight of every burden that we’ve ever carried bearing down on our shoulders and our spirits. it’s heavy.
we wake up one day and decide that it’s better to be numb than to risk falling off of another emotional cliff. we decide to run from our feelings for another day, because it’s the only way we know how to keep moving. we decide that we’re better off pretending that everything is ok, even when it’s not.
and this is valid. we can’t snap our fingers and become the people we were before the trauma. we can’t pretend to be okay until we are okay. healing takes work. we need a lot of time, space, and grace to walk the path towards restoration and uncompromising self-acceptance. healing isn’t a destination, it’s a lifelong process — and i think we’ll all be better off acknowledging how hard it really is, while choosing to believe that it’s worth the effort.
[tweet screenshot; tweet by michell reads: “sending love to everyone who is carrying their burdens in silence. sending love to everyone who wants to be heard but is afraid to speak. sending love to everyone who’s ever felt alone in a room full of people.”]- Mitchell C. Clark
I don’t get to get to tell people how to love me. I get to see how they love, and choose if I want to participate. And I can’t make people do right by me, but I can decide how often I choose to let them do me wrong.
We don’t necessarily choose the deck we are given, but we can choose how we play the cards. I’m picking my positions.
I wasn’t always closed off. But after the experiences at the other places in question (and when I was younger)? It’s definitely the case. At the core, I have never felt safe for a long time since middle school, my sense of safety shattered because I simply couldn’t trust the people around me, and I had to fend for myself; my experiences literally altered my view of the world.
I asked for help on more than one occasion, to only be punished and made to feel worst. Many situations taught me that no one got me. It was better to suffer in silence, than to keep asking people that didn’t care and never cared in the first place. I fell down a lot, and was kicked down further by the administration. I’ve faced many battles alone.
Straight up, the people and organizations I cared for the most and poured the most into? Would not show up for me in the same way they showed up for others. Gave others a chance for deeper friendship than they gave me. When I was younger, the biggest problem I kept running into was expecting people to care for me like I care for them. I learned quickly that sometimes the people you want to care for you won’t. You don’t always get to choose, and sometimes the expectations of people you have in your head doesn’t meet reality..
When you are down really bad, you find out who’s in your corner. The people I did the most for did not bat an eye for me, or even answer the phone (again, I want to point out that I do not do things to get things back, I just want to know if you have my back and a lot of times it wasn’t the case). People treat you based on how much they value you, and I did not want to see the cold hard truth. The friendships I wanted from them didn’t exist. Just because I saw them as friends doesn’t mean they saw me in the same way. I was someone for them to use and throw away like garbage at their very convenience.
I basically told myself if I make it out of this alive, I will never trust in the same way or be this fucking naïve and this much of an idiot again. I will never trust anyone with my finances this way ever again. I will pull myself up so high I will not need people like this ever again. (In the interest of not making this longer than it already is, this and a few bad breakups, and just other situations made me adopt protective love patterns.)
I’ve learned:
I’ve relied on no one but myself for such a long time, previously learning that not everyone around me is going to be there for me, that I don’t want to have to feel like I depend on anyone else. I relied on others before just to get judged, ridiculed, made fun of, embarrassed, and thrown away like a piece of trash.
You don’t want to go rearranging your life and adapting to a new one for someone who will one day leave and make you have to adapt and change your life again once they’re no longer in it. Falling in love and entering a relationship can give you that security you long to feel, but the thought of living in that blissful security only to lose it terrifies you. You don’t want to know consistency and stability only to have it ripped away from you.
I took a trail run (in fact several). It was draining and exhausting beyond repair. I’m like if this is what it’s truly like, I rather book a one way ticket to the military.
You may have thought you found that special one, only to have ended up hurt.
And sometimes, you don’t recover.
You’re also scared of losing yourself to love. Part of you thinks it may mean losing your sense of adventure, your social life, and even your free spirit. You may have been burned a time or two, so you keep yourself at a safe distance to not lose parts of yourself again.
I definitely keep most at arms length. This goes for friendships too. Not everyone is a friend or safe to let in. You damn straight I keep myself at a safe distance.
Yeah ok. Fine. I have trauma. So what? What is the solution? I depend on another person AGAIN and they hurt me AGAIN and then I go through the whole process of healing myself again? No thanks. I better be hella independent.-Gunsandrose
If I became a mother, was suffering, do I really expect anyone to come save me? A humbling no.
32. There’s always a chance that you can end up with a kid without anyone by your side. I’ve seen this time and time again play out in my life and reading it in articles that keep it for real with you.
That’s because a woman is at risk of conceiving and possibly getting stuck child-rearing with the wrong man — or no man — by her side.
So when guys hit on me and ask to exchange my peace for them? I take it with a grain of salt. On April 30th, 2022 and many times this year, a guy asked me if I had a boyfriend and I didn’t even answer the question. I kept walking, because no one is worth exchanging my peace for. Being alone for a while is dangerous, because once you realize how peaceful it is you don’t want to be bothered anymore (why in the world would I put myself through that again ?)
I can’t go on what people say they are going to do in the heat of the moment. Because people change plans.
we wake up one day and decide that it’s better to be numb than to risk falling off of another emotional cliff. we decide to run from our feelings for another day, because it’s the only way we know how to keep moving. we decide that we’re better off pretending that everything is ok.
After all my experiences of asking for help and being punished, ridiculed, I rather stay closed off, child-free, than being vulnerable to the wrong people.
33. A plan that I saw in my email that I relate to: My go to way of dealing with things is to imagine the worst case scenario and come up with a plan for how to handle that if it happens.
It sounds doom and gloom, but for me, if I can imagine the worst case scenario, I somehow feel prepared and less caught off guard if it actually happens.
I’m a positive person, but I also keep it for real and see the situations for what it is, not what I want them to be or hope for them to be.
This has worked well for me in the entertainment industry, being an entrepreneur, and watching my social media grow. I’m literally watching my Medium, Youtube, and Soundcloud battle it out because one of them is going to hit a million views/plays/whatnot. It’s a matter of which one gonna hit it first.
But motherhood? And relationships? This won’t work.
I can’t go into this one foot in one foot out ready to make a mad dash out the door. The protective thing isn’t going to work.
34. I stopped expecting me from people. Point blank.
You are not crazy. Nor are you selfish because you want the same type of love rendered back to you that you extend. You’re not crazy for wanting that same type of love. The reason we are so hurt is you keep expecting you from people. Because you wouldn’t do them like that, you blown away that they would/are do you like that. Because you wouldn’t leave them hanging like that, you’re confused on how they could leave you hanging like that. You are not crazy. Nor are you selfish because you want the same type of love rendered back to you that you extend. It’s not that you are asking for too much, you are asking the wrong one. Wrong people will actually have you thinking that you are asking for too much. But the truth is they can’t offer much.
Dr. Phil has always said a quote that, well sometimes haven’t always worked out. “Give away the thing that you need most. If it’s love, give love away to the world.
In motherhood, lets be honest. You have to put others and their needs before yourself. And in too many of the scenarios I’ve seen, at the detriment of the mom’s mental health, health and well being. No amount of balancing acts, overthinking, or worst scenario plans could help me. I suffered in silence for years before on my own, I can’t imagine experiencing that with people that would have to rely on me 100% for everything. What has really helped me is not expecting me from other people.
Off the record, I still give love away, just more carefully. I don’t expect people to do things for me because I did things for them, I just don’t want to be burned or taken advantaged off when being nice or trying to turn the other cheek. Or extend a olive branch.
https://www.instagram.com/p/Ce8aSqAO3yY/?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet
6/20/2022 update/response to Being Child-Free Lets Me Live My Most Productive Life: This should have been added to #1. As a black woman I’m told and have lived enough life experience to know that we take alot from people and everyone in this world. Why in the world would I want to put myself into something that could drain me emotionally, physically, mentally and be grateful for the opportunity to be a train wreak on a daily basis 24/7? Motherhood is the hardest job in the world, and I don’t need to become a mother to realize this. I have people that tell me they hate being a parent and hate parenting, and wish they never did it. They have so little emotional and physical resources to give the world around them by having their own kids. They find it tiresome, grueling, and have little left to offer after looking out for the family.
There’s so many people out here who become parents because other people told them it’s what they should want, not because it’s what they really want, and by the time they figure out it’s not for them, they can’t take back being a mother/father. Being a parent means carrying a difficult caregiving load; the USA is so obsessed with the nuclear/ideal family situation, but doesn’t ultimately support families. It should not be taken on by anyone who doesn’t want it or feel a cringe of resentment. I currently have a group of guys in my DMs claiming that I would be a great baby mama, and I’m like no thank you. I do not want to be involved in anything that holds me down or back. I feel highly reluctant, but I feel the stress, labor, money is not worth it. I would not like being a parent. I can sleep in or travel on a whim. (I love the mental, emotional, monetary and physical freedom of knowing that if I went away on a Monday, I can do it freely and low stress without worrying about someone else’s wellbeing (and I can say traveling as long as I want to). I don’t want to be exhausted, drained, my time being consumed, no way. In my humble opinion, I listened to well intentioned advice throughout the years, just to be led on the wrong path, and it’s too late to go back and change it. A child would interrupt and destabilize. Children can change your life in all ways, and I do not listen to the lies that people try to tell me to change my mind. I remember feeling badly at different periods of my life, and when I get a slice of myself back, I would do everything in hell to protect it. I feel gratitude and relief that I have my peace, solitude and I can do what I want when I want. If I had to pick a poison, I rather regret not having them, then resent my life for having them. And hating every waking moment. And feeling like a failure for listening to other people instead of listening to myself. And being in constant situations where my trust was broken and violated, and a slew of bad relationships, why in the hell would I volunteer for that rodeo again? I do not see myself in the parenting role day to day. So to the guys in my DMs and society. I don’t want to be bothered, I humbly don’t want the responsibility. I do not like the fact that ladies have to pick between their careers and parenthood, and it’s automatically assumed that the woman will be the sacrifice.
*I also want to point out that I don’t mind helping my friends/family members with children. But with that being said, Aunties: We are not obligated to give back in some way if you don’t want to. Living your best life doesn’t always mean helping others, it also means helping yourself, restoring yourself, finding out what your meant to do on this earth and so forth. Just because you are not husband/kid busy doesn’t mean you are not busy. When you decide to help out is your choice. You don’t need to cook meals for new moms or cheer on kids games or take on other caretaker/parental type activities to justify being child free. Men certainly don’t feel the need. You can do it on your own terms and when your cup is not empty. No justification or explanation is required.
Congrats to everyone who skipped/ignored the social pressure and is living the life they want.
Infact you know what, I’m going to add the screenshots to my favorite responses here, give me a sec (and if anyone wants me to remove them let me know. October 2nd, 2022 I’ve just now updated this lol.)
35. I do not project. If you are reading this and want to be a mom, I’m rooting for you. I understand that there’s lives, paths, and life experiences outside my experiences. I don’t know what I don’t know.
As lack of trust has increased in the world, many people have become more entrenched in their own viewpoints, and more unable to listen to any that might be different (Thank you Psychology Today) . That increasingly divisive outlook has sadly begun to infiltrate many intimate relationships, making it harder for couples and friends even to successfully negotiate when they disagree. Even though it horrifies me beyond reason for me to be a mom, I will still hear what you have to say if you are team motherhood. Just call me your child-free woman friend.
Is there a faint possibly of me becoming a mother? I don’t know what the future holds, but anything is possible….(I personally think in the next life time, if you believe in things like reincarnation and what not. Maybe I can be reincarnated as a period pad or a trash bag. Bahahah!)
Not everyone is going to have bad experience(s) because it happened to me multiple times. If you decide to come over to the child-free side, great. If you want to be a parent great. I don’t expect anyone nor would want anyone to automatically think the way I do. Or do I force my perspective and views on other people. I have so many friends and family members with different experiences, perspectives, and life paths. This is me personally. You do you.
I’m done writing about this, I’m just going to live my life as usual. As you were.
It’s 2022 🔥🙌
If you like what you’ve read, please recommend it so others can read it as well. Please tell me what you want me to write about here!
Interested in having my Medium stories sent to your inbox? Sign up here!
Interested in what I done? Check out my LinkedIn profile I barely use lol. I’ll update it to add the new current businesses I’m working on one of these days. I haven’t updated it in months.
