I’m Sorry But I’m Still In Love With You
When you find stories online that can express your feelings better than you can.
Scenario. Guy I really liked passed away this year, his birthday was this month. I’m releasing a new music project called Avoider. But is it really true with all these feelings coming out of nowhere? I’m still team no kids and team no marriage, and since he never knew, and I wasn’t going to act like a romantic goofball around him, does it really matter what I still feel anyways? He’s gone. And I won’t ever have the chance to tell him anyways.
This is a secret I’ll have to carry myself.
I’m falling for you, I think. You can never know.
The reason that I can’t spend any time with you face to face is because my eyes are full of the truth, and if you saw them, you’d know. You’d look too deep, and you would see my feelings, floating behind the blue of my eyes, which would only shine brighter if I saw you.
You are like a mountain, made human. You are wise. You’re gentle. But you’re also strong. You’ve lived such an interesting life. I know without seeing them that there are freckles on your skin which tell stories about the places you’ve been.
You’re the only person who I feel truly believes in me. The only person that sees me as a whole person. You think I’m beautiful. You think I’m funny. You think I’m hot. You think I’m clever. The things that I hate most about myself, you think are sexy. You indulge my whimsy and you find my lack of self confidence frustrating yet endearing.
How can a you, think so highly of a me? My life has been so much smaller than yours.
You support me in ways that I don’t quite understand, it’s not your duty to be there like you are, you have no commitment… to me, anyway.
I would like to hold your hands, hands so much bigger than mine. They’re rough, and strong, and clever. Just like you. You create things with those hands. Music. Art. Words. They would wrap neatly over my smaller, pale hands, which tremble with insecurity.
You are as eager and enthusiastic as a school boy, or you are tired and grumpy like a bear woken from his hibernation.
You work too hard. You fill your time from second to second, stretching out your passions to fill your days, and I dart in and out of them like a stream of consciousness. You tell me that I give you more than I know, but I don’t know how, because all I have to give you are words.
There are parts of you I can’t reach, emotionally. You open up when you drink a little too much. We used to stay up late talking about our lives, and who we’ve been, and who we want to be. We don’t do that anymore. I understand why, but I miss it.
You are my biggest champion. You shower me with praise, and I struggle to believe it. How can a you, think so highly of a me.
I have nearly two years worth of conversations between us, photographs we’ve sent of little things like books or food, but I can’t scroll through them because it makes me want you too badly.
We could sit together, drink cups of tea, and talk for hours. We could sit and drink in a pub, and not say a word out loud. But we can’t. I want to, so badly, but we can’t. We make plans, then we postpone them. Do you feel something too? Or are you scared that if you see me, that you won’t be able to pretend that I just think of you as a friend?
You’ve not been held for a while, it seems. It’s not even sexual at this stage, well, not always. Sometimes you just seem to hunger for a hug. I would hold you in a heartbeat, but I know that I’d struggle to let go, and you’d know how I felt if I held on just a second too long.
Here’s what I’ll do. I’ll be your friend. I’ll take what I feel for you, and I’ll focus it in on me. You’re too good a friend for me not to have you in my life, so I’ll find a way to handle my feelings. I hope one day we can sit and drink tea together, and that my hands won’t shake, and I won’t worry that my eyes will betray me.
I’m so grateful for you, and I understand that this is my thing to deal with, and I’m going to make sure you don’t ever have to know.
I love you. I think you might be the most amazing human I’ve ever known. You are so unashamedly you- brilliant, beautiful, bold. I love the way you exude confidence. I love watching you talk to people and win them over within a small exchange. I see the softness most don’t. I’ve seen your tears. I’ve heard your fears. I’ve seen your hidden shadows. I love you for every bit, I’m all in.
I need you. There’s a fire inside you that beckons me to my ruin. It blinds me to the truths. That light, that siren of your soul pierces through your darkness and I can’t hear anything else. I don’t want to hear anything else. I get lost in my own darkness without you. I feel a void that was never there before and sometimes it threatens to swallow me up.
I want you. All of you and I want you all to myself.
Here’s what I’ll do. I’ll be your friend. I’ll take what I feel for you, and I’ll focus it in on me. You’re too good a friend for me not to have you in my life, so I’ll find a way to handle my feelings.
Felt this on a deep level. Some guy friends have gotten really pissed that I didn’t like them back. I never told him, because I didn’t want to be that person. I’m really chill and laidback when it comes to that sort of thing.
I saw the angel number 11:11 on the clock as I was writing this. Then as I was clearing my phone, 222, and 666 popped up, so I’m assuming that writing this, I’m going down the right path.
I wrote this on Facebook, so I thought I share it here.
My Version Of A Love Letter.
I loved you as a friend and so much more (but I wasn’t sure if you liked me back in that way so I kept my cool, the last thing I want is to ruin a friendship, and I never assume a guy is gonna like me back bc I like him first )
For real, I love how you stood up to a bully in high school and liked you since that day
I still do love you and wish you could come back angel. I didn’t realize you were in pain and I wish I had a chance to help more. That news earlier this year took me and other friends completely off guard. Since we are the same age, I said the hell and other things I won’t repeat in this post. It still seems unreal.
P.S. I’m still totally team no kids and no marriage, and want to be left alone especially right now when it comes to the questions fr. But if we somehow became more I would have worked on myself for you, including marriage counseling before during and throughout the marriage.
And totally be down with marrying you if it was meant to be. With an effort to make it work, I’m so scared to be vulnerable that I would have a lot of inner work to do, period.
(Wishful thinking tho, I’m still bad at being vulnerable…)
You’re gone, and we will never be. I’m sorry but I’m still in love with you even though you’re gone.
I’m releasing a underground project named #Avoider. But is this a lie? Should I rename the damn thing while I still have the chance? They always say there’s that one guy that will get you, and I guess you were that one.
I never expected you to like me back.
It was my fault for catching feelings. So it will be up to me to deal with these feelings.
It’s 2021 🔥🙌
If you like what you’ve read, please recommend it so others can read it as well. Please tell me what you want me to write about here!
Interested in what I done? Check out my LinkedIn profile I barely use lol. I’ll update it to add the new current businesses I’m working on one of these days. I haven’t updated it in months.