Hey There! My name is Alesha! This was technically supposed to be my 21th post. Oh well. As I was posting, I found a whole slew of posts I missed from my 1st blog post. So I started over lol. You might read a few of my posts twice. I was trying to honor where I started after getting on Medium and whoops, In order to clearly understand my story, it’s best to read these in this order. It’s almost like reading chapter 4 then jumping to 15 lol. More in likely another mistake will happen. I even tried waking up at 4 am to play catch up haha. I thought I wanted to save these for a future book. I’ll stop posting the intros as soon as I stop digging from my old blog post bank. These are from 2014, a period from my school days. No edits (yet) but raw in nature. Maybe I should re-release this project. I’ll think about it.
I originally named this #BuryYourDiploma Song List
Note: Blogger is being weird on me right now, with the different fonts. I’ll get to the bottom of it asap.
I made #Bury and posted it on my personal snap chat and my personal Facebook friend list. I don’t want this running too rampant just yet, but I notice on the street and the people I’ve received feedback from they say “whoa this is deep, you got stories to tell” and “how do you deal with everything?” I also notice random friend requests too. Well for starters, thanks for listening. Secondly, I don’t know how I deal with everything. Making music and doing the things I’m passionate about helps. It also means a lot when friends ask “are you ok?”
I don’t whine around friends and a lot of times they don’t know how bad it is. (They just see me posting snapchats with my favorite juice and accuse me of being crazy, and that I am). On with the songs. Serious side of me comes out.
#BuryYourDiplomaBesideYou is more than just a music project. It’s what I’m currently living through and what I’m dealing with. Performing these on stage will be really hard on me. They say as an artist it’s your job to give every last piece of yourself on a stage to the people in the audience. This project and these songs will definitely do that. It’s painful but one I’m proud of. I can’t believe how open I get in this project, SHIT. I break down the songs here and my story behind them.
1. Painful Paths. This song is lyrically the strongest song on this project (or at least in my opinion lol). I made it a point to rhyme more than once in several sentences. (Sidenote. I run in many different emcee/rapper circles. They tell me if you want peeps to take your songs more seriously step up your rhymes patterns and use more complicated words. It’s very true BTW. Honestly I could re-do painful paths and complicate the rhyme patterns even more if I wanted to). Basically with painful paths there’s a lot happening to me at once. So I put it in a song.
2. I wish I could have saved you. I made this beat in 2013. This is like a letter-song to my departed friends. Basically I’m saying I wish I had the chance to save you. Our pain isnt exactly the same, but I relate to some of the things that happened to you.
3. Buried Me Beside You. I secretly get annoyed when they refer to my departed loves as past tense. I get it but at the same time I dont get it! Just because they are gone doesn’t mean I love them any less. When I saw them put them in the ground (which is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to see and deal with) a part of me went with them. There’s a hole in my heart that can’t be filled. Just like I say in my song “my life is forever impacted by ya.” I made this beat in 2015.
4. Bury My Diploma Beside You. I call this song my baby because it was a song I personally mixed and mastered (and made the beat to). My first song I mixed and mastered, EVER. I put a lot of effects on my voices in the verses. This is also another letter-song. In the very beginning of this song, you will hear an opening letter effect. This beat has a pop vibe to it. But what I say in it is deep.
This song. I reveal secrets that I’ve hung on to. Like shit… Like a few of the many things that happened to me in college. Like the kind of secrets that if you ever revealed them you’d put a brown paper bag over your head. Also. This is the song that my whole music project is named after. Lead single. Perhaps.
For instance. I normally do not talk about my grades (a screen shot. I’m not an idiot.) I got a 337/278 in one of my classes. My professor hasn’t given me a grade in this course and it’s been a over year. I had to go to the top of the university to get a response and I’m not happy with the response at all. This has happened to me in more than one course actually, and I have gotten F’s in some courses just because professors want to give it to me. Then when I appeal the school usually sides with the professors. I’ve also taken F’s because I picked family funerals first. Like I say in my songs, even with the dean’s of students backing you technically can’t make professors accommodate you…..even with me following that syllabus I bat zero. I can have all the tutors in the world, but if a professor wants to flunk me they can (trust me it happens). Heard stories of students getting A’s and they even admit they don’t deserve it? It can go the other direction as well. I had professors off record admit to me that this happens. I should know.
So lets be real here. Financial aid thinks I’m effing around, my friends think I skip classes…
FUN FACT. I DO MY HOMEWORK and WORK and I know I can do college level work, especially in technology. Sometimes two weeks in advance because I know I have a lot going on (and yes I find a way). This course I was accused of cheating in also when I first took it…and this third time I did the online portion of it within a two week period. I’m really tired of some professors calling me stupid, idiot, and every other word they want to come up with. (Btw, there are a ton of nice professors, I’ve ran into a few of these, but I’ve had my fair share of running into a lot of professors who have a bone to pick.)
I did white out the school in this screen shot. I have posted more “good” grades similar to this but I won’t post here. I know how much my friends love “P”. I just want to let anyone out there that’s reading this post know that this is the kind of stuff that’s been happening to me in college. It effects me because a school I loved my whole childhood stabbed me in the heart with a huge knife. Situations like this has effected my GPA, my grades (which doesnt help my case to get in organizations with GPA requirements), and me to keep moving forward. I have people in my own major trying to push me out saying I don’t deserve to be there as well. There’s also an element of people that find it absolutely thrilling to kick me down. (I’m really careful with who I tell my secrets to. If you are reading this and think you know everything, you still don’t.) Believe that this has happened.
Look it would be one thing if I didn’t do any work, if I deserve a F fine. I just don’t know how to comprehend this any more. Also, there’s so many people that think that the pain and torment I feel from grief and other sources is a damn joke. Just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. No I WON’T write words on my forehead saying hey I don’t feel the love at all, or I’m hurting really bad today to seek attention from friends or random strangers. Not my style.
Serious Sidenote. I have reached out to my friends who attempted suicide and made them promise they would call me/talk to me first. I would hate to lose them. And for the ones that did (which is way too many) I wish I could have saved them.
Also, in this song. Some of my lyrics are:
“What do you do if you’re disliked by your some of own people, I show love I’m not seen as an equal”
Ok I might piss some people off with what I have to say next. I’m being honest with you and honest with myself here. I have white, black, Native American (and other cultures in me that my mom’s side don’t know about, I’ll talk about that at a later time) in me. The point I’m trying to say is I have received hate from some people in all these groups. I’m so sorry to say. Some of the things I’ve heard in college and some of the years in my life are hateful. When I say “my people” I’m talking about people from all my backgrounds. I don’t pick sides because I love all my cultures. I try to be really sensitive to people, honestly I do. My mom taught me to love people and be nice. But there’s some who have been really hateful towards me. It hurts.
(And just for the record, if I said the things to some of these people said to me, I’m sure they would be ready to pop my head off.)
I said what’s on my mind. I’m done with this for now. Listen to the song again if you are curious. Next.
5. Forever Mourning & Missing You. This is an instrumental. When I made it, I put a drum beat in there. This is on purpose to transition into different parts of the song (which is the beginning and the end). I think this one is best without a voice. After listening to this, well it speaks for itself. Hmm if I find a descent drum beat to go with this I may make a song with verses on this. So far I don’t think so. It’s just one of those tunes that is best as a instrumental, so why mess with it.
6. Confessions of A Reject. Now. I’ve been cut from tons of orgs and kicked out by people I admire. What made it worst for me is I missed club meetings for family deaths and emergencies and got kicked out for that. I made hard decisions. It’s crazy because people say family is the most important and the times I put family first most people have shown their true colors.
Now for the few orgs and people that took me in? I’m really loyal to and I stick with them (or support them with $ if I have to duck out due to academics, I try not to get my plate too full). I don’t take losing elections to get on eboard(s) too personally (because to be honest I’m happy they took me in the first place). And if I feel the burn it’s over within an hour. I have been told 2nd place is the first loser ha. But this is what I don’t like…
I’ve overheard people saying in a few orgs that I would be great on eboard or as president, but I’m too stressed with school. My question is do they bring up the stress levels of other candidates? Don’t think so. Everyone has their challenges that they deal with.
Please don’t use the things happening in my life against me, ladies and gentlemen. I already feel bad enough on a daily basis on campus. I don’t care if you endorse other people in front of me. You may not have faith in me as president or other eboard positions. (If I lose I’ll support the person that won the best way I can). And seriously I don’t care what decisions you make or who you vote for but I see it as hurtful and rejection when you use things against me. I feel like when you do that it’s almost like saying my friends attempting and committing suicide is my fault and family funerals are my fault. Are some of my friends’ being murdered my fault? My grandma has alzheimer’s (lewi body), is that my fault? I had/have family members with cancer and handicaps, is that my fault? (According to the people that award my scholarships it’s my fault). Until you have life crises like that happen to you, you just won’t understand. I maintain under high levels of stress and pain. I already had my scholarships taken away from me because they didn’t think family funerals were not a valid excuse. (They denied me 3 times now, so go ahead and calculate how many modeling/music/acting jobs I need to pick up). I love you all but please don’t kick me down any lower in the ground. I get enough of that from some professors and other people on campus. I’m batting zero everywhere else in college. You’re the only 100%ers I have. I hang out with you all to get away from stress, not add to it. If I think I’m doing too much, I’ll step back or won’t run. Simple. And if you really feel that way just don’t say it around me (unless I ask your honest opinion, and if I ask your honest opinion don’t hold back).
And one more thing. I love hanging out with you all. You’re honestly the reasons why I have great college memories because I don’t have many great memories. However. If I sense I’m not wanted, I will disappear and give you space. I understand what being smothered is like and I don’t want to be that way. #ConfessionsOfAReject
7. Unborn Angels. This song is way too painful and it might not make the final cut on this project. I’m trying to figure out which project to put this on. I’m trying to keep #Bury an LP. May not happen.
So when I say I’m the only child I’m kind of lying. That is all I’m saying about that.
8. Dear Granny. A letter to my granny. She’s sick, and we are close. I hate lewi body and what it’s doing to her. My oldest uncle told us all to straighten our act over summer ’14 because it’s her final days.
Hmm if I make any other songs to add to this I’ll let you know…
Ok you made it to the end of this? You’re awesome if you made it through all that. Making music doesn’t stress me out, living through everything does. I honestly started making music to kill two birds with one stone: to tell my stories and help pay for college. Fun fact #2: If I decide to stay in school or leave school I STILL GOTTA PAY FOR IT HA. I can’t escape college payments! The $ that financial aid wants is $ that a regular job won’t be able to pay for, and they want it now. And if I don’t pay? They will cancel my classes without hesistation. I will say that I’ll never forget the way college is making me feel and how they treat you when they see you as a nobody. I feel hated (not by my lovely friends). I hope one day asap I’m put in a position to help someone struggling. Maybe you can relate to some of #Bury or maybe someone else can.
So I don’t know how #Bury is being heard without me promoting it (to my personal friend list I suspect you bc that’s the only place I posted it dang it don’t share just yet lol, me and my team are coming up with a plan) but I do want to say a heartfelt thanks for listening.
Fun songs with my lovely, talented and amazing APO son is coming!