Message To My Friends

I was shown a video that scared me once again, unfortunately I won’t be able to help anyone this time for the rest of 2021 (but can send friends instead until I can).

https://www.tiktok.com/@__cilaaaaa/video/7000633663461330181

Due to a slew of health and other things that’s going on. At the time of this writing. I can’t be there for the rest of 2021, but I can call you and video chat with you. In fact I wrote the past 3 articles ahead of time, not exactly sure how much anesthesia I’m going to have in my system or how it’s going to make me feel.

*Trigger warning.

To my best friend, this one is for you.

If one day, I lose my battle to depression

I want you to know that I made it this far because of you.

Some of the most amazing memories I have shared with you.

Some of the most amazing laughs I had I shared with you.

Some of the most stupidest adventures I had I shared with you.

And some of my darkest moments, I shared with you,

but you were always there for me.

Never judged me and always a shoulder for me to cry on.

I apologize in advance for the pain I might cause you when and if that day comes that I do I lose my battle with depression.

____cilaaaaa from Tik Tok

Beautiful soul. Girl, you’re not going to lose your battle, you are so strong (stronger than you think you are), and there’s people that love you.

If anyone is having a hard time, struggling and happen to be reading this right now, loves. Your life matters, and you are not a burden. It will get better beautiful. I want you to stay, and I’m so happy you are here. Don’t go. Stay beautiful.

This video was extremely painful to watch and hits extremely close to home. This summer (2021) a friend tried to take her life, and we made up a plan and got to her in time. (I mostly video chatted because I was in the middle of a fitness competition, and it was very tricky terrain to navigate, there was a lot going on during my first fitness competition, but I will do anything to keep my friends here.) She’s still here today. I still message her months later to make sure she’s ok. (I felt a great sense of urgency because I just lost two friends this year. I wish I could have saved all three).

Life is difficult sometimes. I’m getting emotionally and spiritually ripped in 2021, but it gets better. Surgeries physically hurts like hell. We can work through whatever together, so reach out anytime. Please stay. Thinking of everyone in the comments who don’t feel loved, seen or heard in some of the videos I watched (not just _____cilaaaaa’s). You’re loved, seen and heard.

(But for real though no matter how hard it gets, and this is where the attitude comes out: Still not interested in romantic relationships though at this time if ever, thanks but no thanks angels. How about you give me multiple businesses and profits/revenue, that way I can have enough money for bills and legal representation, vacations, so I can take care of the shit myself? The times I was vulnerable and asked for help. I was hurt and abandoned by the people I thought would never leave me behind. I don’t ever want anyone to feel loved, in other words I don’t want to feel that love by people or someone special and then have that taken away. I felt that sense of family, financial stability and for it to be destroyed in an instant was a lifechanging moment for me. I let one slip all because I was told I could trust, and don’t want to know what it’s like to not have housing, have bills lined up and not have a way to pay it, to have someone control me with the money, the laundry list continues. I will not depend on another person again in that capacity, so they have the opportunity to hurt me again, and then I go through the whole cycle/process of healing myself AGAIN. No thank you…I would be crazy as f*** to put myself through all that again. The financial ruin, embarrassment, downward spirals and path of destruction is not worth it, this one is staying hyper independent. It got so bad that I would rather enlist in the military and come back in a box then ever trust in that manner. So no.

I know a lot of people that want romance badly (there’s guys I liked, but I like my alone time just a little more), why don’t you show the angel numbers to them more often and leave me da f*cks alone though. The more I say I don’t want to be bothered with something, especially when it involves romance they keep trying to force something on me. Damn it I do not approve and STOP IT angels. Even if I am the chosen one to lead others to the light (hey, the Youtube videos said it, not me lmfao), this chosen one is deciding to be alone.)

To my friends and loved ones that left earth this year, and in the past 13 years, I’m living for all of us, and I miss you. Losing all of you is so deeply painful. I sometimes feel like the people that understood me most is gone (and now I’m aware that you were the greatest friends I had). I wish you were still here, will honor you and celebrate your beautiful lives for the reminder of mine (please excuse all the crazy shit and rebellious things I’m going to do, I’m trying to ease my loved ones who’s still alive into it slowly but surely).

Babes, (including the ones in the comments of the Tik Tok videos and the other videos I’ve seen). Thinking of you. You are loved. You are valued and your opinion matters. If you are having a hard time and reading this, loves, you’re beautiful. I want you to stay and I’m glad you are still alive. Repeated two times on purpose.

I prayed a special prayer for someone passing through hard times, a hard time which seem to be mental, financially and emotionally damaging. I pray for this person reading this, that God will come to your rescue, wipe your tears, and restore you whole in Jesus name. Amen.-Strength From Above

It’s 2021 🔥🙌

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