It’s Monday night, April 26th.
I just had a somewhat big audition. Sent it in. (I ended up having several later).
I just got through talking with a friend, and a headache starts coming on. Take the sinus pills I usually take. And I feel unusually dizzy.
Then my beloved dog starts choking on a treat. Scariest 30 minutes of my life. My animals are like family.
I share my dog with my mom. She said don’t take him, I say we should just to be safe. This debate goes on for like 10 minutes.
I have a tendency to act on the side of precaution, and be proactive rather than reactive. I’m not a vet or doctor.
I just messaged my close snapchat friends and asked them to pray/mediate/do whatever you do for my dog. And a simple thanks. Nothing more.
I didn’t frantically post on all my social media networks about my dog worrying the crap out of people. I remained calm on the outside, but I was freaking out on the inside.
All of sudden, the dizziness from earlier in the night went away. Or at least I didn’t notice it.
Confessions: Why I Usually Don’t Reach Out For Help.
- I don’t want to burden and sometimes feel like a burden (or better still my issues that come up can be burdening) even though my friends insist I’m not. Look. I’ve always handled most of life situations on my own. During emergencies I slept on the hospital bed or waiting rooms. I’ve lost friends to suicide and a number of other things. I still miss them and wrote this a while back, but it still rings true to this day. And I just shouldered that on my own. At 9 I was told to tell the younger cousins in my family that older relatives passed away. It’s a role that I didn’t ask for, but I was molded for it from an early age. There’s somethings I haven’t told anyone, because I’m not sure how they would receive it.
- I think the reason why I’m booking so many auditions and callbacks is I’m tapping into emotions I’ve experienced in real life. Yes, some of them I’m booking due to my love of food, but some of these I’m digging deep in places I really don’t want to go. I don’t know why it’s now just clicking with bookings. Maybe it’s my time. Idk. Maybe being in bigger markets help me book in the smaller markets.
- When I did ask for help, oh boy did I get punished for it. I’ve lost friendships, scholarships, and opportunities when I asked for help in one too many occasions. It’s interesting. Being vulnerable to the wrong people cost me, even though they insisted they had my back and was always going to be there. Or worst, they get angry or take it personally that I don’t open up in the way they think I should have. Usually the ones who made the biggest promises was the first to go. This is why I’m careful about who I open up to, period. I’ve learned the hard way that people can leave your life at any reason, no prior warning. I usually side on the premise that most people will say no to helping anyways. And if I get that rare yes, I get ultimately surprised. Even then I don’t want to overwhelm the yes person.
- To hone in on the point, by revealing my vulnerabilities to the wrong people, I got burned. Now I’m careful, and make sure they are emotionally safe.
- Usually on the hard days I just workout. I’m one of those people that can hide behind a smile really well. I’ve gotten good at that over the years. It’s closer to better days are coming instead of fake it until you make it. Sometimes I did tell my friends everything is fine when it really wasn’t. Some was able to pick up my buff, most was not. I’m told that I’m really funny and have a lot of jokes. I do use a sense of humor to get my mind of things.
Why I’m extremely good at giving you space.
My unofficial love language is space.
- I’m not suicidal, but this article brings up some great points. As adults, society tells us we “should” be able to function and complete basic tasks such as feeding and washing ourselves, doing our own laundry, phoning the doctor, and so on. When there’s a lot on my plate, I have dropped the ball. It’s embarrassing and pathetic I didn’t do that, but oh well. Chores are left undone, and I will pick it up the next day. ESP if I have a 5:30 am call time for acting or something business. I don’t overly beat myself up for mistakes, I just say f*** it. I’m usually good at admitting my mistakes and will just straight up tell you when I made one. I’m not going to whine and complain to you how bad my day was. If you had a good day, who am I to ruin it? Usually I’ll ask you to take me out to get my mind off things, then you go home to your castle to get space, and I go home to my castle to get space. Then I’ll check in with you later.
- You got your own lives. Your own priorities. I don’t want you to feel any pressure, burden, or making me unnecessarily #1. I hate to take people out of their life, away from their families and make me the center of attention. There’s times when I didn’t say a word to any of my friends because I didn’t want them seeing me as a whiner, complainer, being too much, or making a big deal out of something. Even an unnamed person I thought I could trust (which ended up being a mistake again) said, wow you are always going through something. Or whoa you’re so strong, you handle things like a baller. I sometimes don’t share because people don’t take it well and then use it against you. Due to so many people leaving and to avoid the judgement zone, I default to biting the bullet and keeping it to myself. Then, by being dropped off the invite list, it basically confirms what I suspected about that particular person/people anyways: they didn’t care and didn’t love me anyways. AND they wasn’t a good friend in the first place. And it was a matter of time before they give up on me. Parts of me sometimes feels like people don’t care, and I have to be reminded that this isn’t true. And reminder, please check in on your strong friends, even the friends who appear to have together and tell you they are ok. Sometimes they are the ones that break down the most when no one is around.
- This is slightly off topic, but will make a lot of sense in the end. I will tie this in. I have been suffocated by an ex boyfriend and I HATED it. I didn’t even think he realized he was doing it. I asked my frat friends way back when in school to please take him in your frat so he can get a life. Please. I won’t go into every single detail, but he constantly texted me “hey” 8 times in one hour and “whatsup" 8 times in one day at the same time and it DROVE ME BATTY because he did it constantly. I promised myself I would never be that suffocating to anyone else, no matter how much I missed them.
OK, when he/she was interested, you were living and enjoying your life. Oftentimes when this happens, a woman/man sometimes goes from living a full, well-balanced life to putting all their eggs in one basket: the relationship. Instead of going out with friends, she/he hangs out with the boyfriend/girlfriend. Instead of exercising at the gym, she/he eats Ben & Jerry’s and watches movies with the boyfriend/girlfriend. Instead of doing the hobbies and interests she loves, she spends time with the boyfriend/girlfriend. And at first it’s magical and fun… the reason is that both the guy and the girl are “full” – full of love of themselves, full of love of their life, full of a great mood and outlook. But then they start swapping out all the things that “filled them up” in their life and they replace with spending more and more time with each other. They make the error of thinking that the relationship is filling them up, when in fact, their great relationship is a bi-product of them leading a full life and loving themselves.
So in the case of what you’re talking about, some women/men don’t realize this and they make the tremendous mistake of trying to “repair the relationship”. The relationship is not the problem – it is always a bi-product of your life.
To improve your relationship, improve your life and your love for yourself. If a relationship “makes you” crazy, neurotic and paranoid, it is inevitable that the relationship will fall apart (and it will fall apart even quicker if you act on your crazy, neurotic, paranoid state of mind and blame him/her for it…)
Fill your life with activities you love, people you love, etc. Fill your mind with love for yourself – the woman/man who wants love from the world but cannot bring it about in herself will be forever thirsty for love… Love always starts within you and flows outward.
And I’ll only text if I have something to say, not just “HEY" or “WHATSUP" or “HI". Are we in 3rd grade or what? I included that long ass quote because it resonated with me so much. I think he was trying to make me his whole life, when I was attracted to him when he had his own life. Too many people make the error of thinking that the relationship is filling them up, when in fact, their great relationship is a bi-product of them leading a full life and loving themselves. I think I fear getting into a relationship with a guy I really like (more like love 🥰) currently because I don’t want anyone trying to make me give up my full life for him and I wouldn’t want him to give up his full life for me. I’m not sure if he would give me my space, or take it personally that I got other interests. Sure you make time for the other person, but I wouldn’t expect him to give up his friends for me, either. Due to my experiences, I naturally keep most people at arms length anyways. I don’t want to be tied down. And ultimately, happiness comes from the inside, I’m responsible for my own happiness and destiny. I’ve got burned depending on others and oh no I won’t make that costly mistake again. (I think it’s odd that people say you should look for happiness from outside sources when it should come from the inside first, just a thought. You are valuable regardless of what relationship you are in.) If it works great with him great, if not I’m still gonna live my life. Even if I do like someone, I usually keep my cool because they don’t have to like you back. I’ve been on the receiving end of desperate and needy vibes (him waiting for my texts, being chased to the hilt, calling dozens of times, etc). If I sense someone has ulterior motives my wall is going to go up higher. I’m not so quick to say I love you anymore. I also gotta find this one article that said that the reason some Geminis fear relationships is they don’t want anyone coming in taking their zest of life away. Being burned before you keep up a natural wall up.
Let me see here, it’s this one, with me being so close to Taurus I really relate to the last paragraph. And this one. While this one claims I can keep my freedom while still being in a relationship (I sorely wish). And the quote below hits on that same door.
When you are single, happiness is simply dependent on what you want as an individual. What you want to do, where you want to travel to, what you want to accomplish. These things are always important to keep in your heart because they are a reflection of your true self. It is important to note that the right woman will not change this or take it away from you. What may happen though, is that you begin to factor her into your decisions. Her happiness becomes as important to you as your own — and you are therefore willing to compromise in these areas of life. Remember, compromise is not the same as sacrifice, because the idea is to find a common ground that makes you both happy. I don’t see this as losing freedom, I see it as gaining a new layer of fulfillment in your life that you have the privilege of sharing with someone else. James Michael Sama
I think personally this article is more honest and realistic. If your number-one priority is your freedom, you may not be able to handle all the compromise that comes with sharing your life with someone.
And this quote:
Some researchers speculate that living alone liberates women from traditional roles and expectations. Instead of holding down a full-time job, doing all of the household tasks, and serving as primary caregivers for their children, unmarried women can make choices in how they handle life tasks and their work-life balance. Furthermore, single women have more control over their finances and don’t spend all their time arguing with a spouse over their own purchases. Single women don’t drain their emotional energy by stroking a man’s ego or soothing bruised children’s feelings. Sometimes, though, this choice simply comes out of life circumstances. Megan Glosson, Happiness Expert Finds That Single Women Are The Healthiest & Happiest People
Readers, honest question for you to ponder about. Do you realistically think in your opinion I could be in a serious relationship while jumping from city to city filming projects, accepting new projects, business deals, music projects as I film projects? I can guarantee eventually he’s gonna want me to start running things by him, and for years I’ve been making decisions for me by me. I don’t want to feel drained, or resent someone trying to rain on my parade or sabotage my opportunities by projecting his fears on me. That would no doubt be a clash, and I bet a whole quarter I’m telling the truth.
We do what we want to do, the way we want to do it, and on our own timeline. Why? Because we can! We appreciate not having to negotiate conflicting schedules, deal with remembering to update anyone on our whereabouts, or make concessions for differing preferences. We ask ourselves, “What do I want to do?”, and then we do it (Or we don’t — it’s up to us.) We don’t wait to get paired up to have whatever kind of fun we feel like having. If we want to go out, we go solo or wrangle a friend. We know that all activities are ours just as much as they belong to the coupled crowd. -Wendy Newman, How To Be Happy Alone (According To Happily Single People)
As a Gemini, that is DEADLY accurate of my life. I couldn’t have written that any better. Definitely we put on a brave face. My best love language is getting to know a guy without desperate and needy vibes. Giving someone space. Not waiting around for his texts. Getting to know someone at their core without an expectation or pressure of a romantic relationship. To be fully transparent I make a better friend and secret keeper anyways. And yes, animal mother.
Even after your partner shows all these signs, the bitter truth is that there is still a possibility that they may still leave you. The reason might be that they pass away, get married to someone else, or an unknown reason. Sadly, you can never be sure that a person will still be a part of your life next time the sun rises. Sometimes people beloved to us are taken from us suddenly by a car crash or illness. Sometimes the person you wanted to grow old with abandons you when you need them most. Every time it hurts, it hurts differently. Unfortunately, that’s just how things are. All you can do about it is to be prepared. Focus on yourself, learn to be happy on your own. Take good care of yourself and make sure you love the person you see in the mirror because that’s the only one who’s guaranteed to be with you until the end.-Ricky G
On to the next one.
4. I’ve been told that I’m a giver. Yes I do like giving without the expectation of getting anything in return (it’s mentally freeing if you give without expectation. The energy you spend looking for something in return is draining. And if you are giving with intentions or ulterior motives or what’s in it for me than what’s the point?) My mom was like you take care of your friends and cuzzo’s, don’t you? I love spoiling friends and cuzzos as much as I can because I don’t want them hurting the way I did/do. If I can’t do it I won’t but if I can I will. And they are doing things I’m 99% sure I’m not gonna get the chance to do like kiddies and walking down the aisle, so I’m living it vicariously through them and being supportive at the same time. And due to the pandemic, I gotta care for peeps at a distance until we can see each other again.
Which ties in to the next point…
5. I don’t plan on having kids at this point if ever so my animals around me are my children, my spirit mates. I consider them family members. I literally thought for a second that I was gonna lose my dog. The times we spent together flashed through my eyes. If you are not an animal lover you may not understand that. But literally animals are my world, and I hate seeing them hurt or suffer in any way. I think I would be difficult for me to be a foster parent to any animals, because I wouldn’t want to take them back. I love animals so much that I want to feed and take care of as much as possible. If I could I would have a house full of animals and they would sit at the dinner table so I can feed them. ❤💕🥰
Watching my dog, my bestie in that state grasping for air freaked me out. I’m currently watching my dog all night to make sure he’s ok. To some people, animals are just animals. But my animals are my best friends, and keep me from isolating from the world so much. Many times, my animals have been better friends to me than people.
They will tell you I’m good at giving space. I miss not seeing them but being on the receiving end of dozens of hey texts and calls, I will not do that to no one. I would literally set up a tent down the street to insure that I give people their space, and this is no lie (because I did it before lol). Camping outside in the woods or even the backyard is fun, or glamping works, whatever floats your boat.
I’ve spent a lot of time in nature over the years, I remember way back as a grade schooler to adventures during this service org I was in. I hung out with the group but broke off and spent time on my own. Unless we are close friends, I have a thing of breaking off on my own and taking the road less traveled.
I recently did a nature shoot for a film project, and I had no cell phone reception. I enjoyed the peace and quiet a lot. A little too much.
May 2nd is also the day that I started my Youtube channel where I talk a lot of shit, but I’m 100% honest. I talk about how to deal with not getting invited to weddings to every awkward thing under the sun. Happy Birthday B****. My dog is the priority, I may or may not get to make a video for that day.
It’s 2021 🔥🙌
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Interested in what I done? Check out my LinkedIn profile I barely use lol. I’ll update it to add the new current businesses I’m working on one of these days.