The #1 Skill I’m Weak In

I tried to love her, I really did.

I was so close to tenderly touch her heart.

I was so close to her center, to her beautiful, loving center.

But she was afraid, afraid of being fearless,

afraid of of letting go.

Letting go of all the walls she had built around herself,

built around herself in order to survive in this world,

in this world, where showing the heart has become a sign of weakness,

and calculation, calculation with the mind, one of the highest aims.

Her little heart, her little, beautiful heart did suffer so much.

That’s why she built these walls, so as not to break in this world,

to survive in this world, where the heart is no longer valued.

And these walls, they kept me away from her center,

from her warm, loving center.

Eventually she slowly becomes her walls, slowly forget about herself.

Her warm, loving self.

I was so close. So close to break down these walls.

But she was so afraid, so afraid of being fearless,

so afraid of letting go.

What a pity.

For what else do we live for, if not for the metamorphosis of our centers,

of our raw, pure selves.

What else are we here for?

I was so close.-Isi Bell, Walls Around Her Heart

I think the reason why I resonate with Isi’s piece so deeply because every time I read it, it’s like reading myself in a poem. But he never got that close. One guy talked about marriage right away and I took a run for it and never looked back. There was no way I was gonna be married with kids by 23. He’s f^&% crazy. Trust he didn’t get too close because he ended up being a f*** boy. I shutter to think what my life would have been like if I let him have his way.

From the earliest I can remember, being vulnerable resulted in a lot of pain.

In school, I felt like no one had my back…

I felt like all my secrets kept getting exposed…(and worst everyone around them believed the lies at face value. )

They were horrible, envious people. (With a few good ones along the way).

I remember the tide turned around 5th grade. I clammed up to fight the outside world. These people took a thrill in seeing you sad and suffering, and as in the words of Chadwick Boseman, I could not let them see me sweat. I had way too many experiences where I felt like I couldn’t trust or get close to anyone, and these feelings occasionally reoccur. The best friends I had at the time heavily betrayed and violated my trust. I’ve distanced myself from the Catholic church as a result, and really don’t know if I’ll connect with the faith like I once did. I hated the way that church made me feel growing up, and I feel like choking on my own vomit when I walk into a mass to be blunt, and I rather pull up mass in nature via Youtube surrounded with non-judgmental animals.

I really did try to reconnect by being a retreat leader, and going on retreats and being involved in the church. But once again after noticing the gossipy, cliquish behavior I no longer wanted to force a connection that wasn’t there.

Bottom Line: I’m not gonna open up if it’s not safe. I can like you personally. But I accept you for who you are and what you do. If you are a gossip queen, I’m not gonna trust you with secrets. Instead of looking for the good in people all the time, I’ve started looking at what people do. Instead of just trusting people instead of proving they can be trusted, I do a lil investigation first.

  • If someone is constantly sharing other people’s private information or secrets. They can’t keep a secret to save their life and they will give your secrets out the first time you’re not in their face. If someone is gossiping to you about others, trust they will do the same to you.
  • If someone is constantly gossiping about others or putting other people down in front of you.
  • If they constantly make you feel judged, small, weak, or whatever whenever you share something personal

How do you develop trust?

Well, you don’t just go from 0 to 100 when it comes to trust.

Like most things, trust happens step by step, word by word, and is developed over time.

So don’t feel like you need to come out with everything all at once, you can take small steps if that’s what feels right to you.

Sometimes you have to take that risk to tell someone something personal about you.

It’s uncomfortable, but if it’s the right person you will be accepted with open arms, love, and acceptance…Kayleen

For me, I go VERY slow. My buddy Acshettle suggested that I might be an empath (because I’m a giver) so I have to really watch it. At first I didn’t believe her, but as I spend more time and time in nature, maybe it’s a thing.

Many times in my life, I felt like I people don’t/didn’t care (on top of being let down quite a few times). To keep from expecting too much or getting disappointed, I decided from an early age to give self love first, then if it comes from the outside world great, it’s extra. If not, I’ll be ok.

Credit: https://www.chrisruggiero.com/blog/expectations

Secretly, I think this is why it’s easier for me to give without expectation of getting something in return. Or recognition. People are people, and I’ve learned that doing something for them doesn’t mean they will do something for you. If you are always doing something with the expectation of getting something, your reasoning and motives isn’t good. I know people that take it personally when they don’t get thank you cards. Or get angry when people don’t do something back. Sure it’s nice and polite to get a thank you note. But you’re not gonna get recognized for everything you do. You’re not gonna get a atta girl or boy for everything. You’re not gonna always get a gift back. As a kid, I was taught by my mom to do things to be kind, not for what you can get out of it. There’s sometimes when you will do things for people and you won’t get pay back or recognition. Genuinely, if you are giving to be kind, loving and to see your loved ones happy (AND have the right intentions mind you), trust it will come back to you tenfold (plus it’s mentally freeing and not draining when you are not looking for something, take it from someone who knows).

Now not everyone in the world is the same way, and there’s people that give because they have ulterior motives.

Now as far as myself personally? I set the expectations unbelievably high and exceed them. I can’t control other people but I can control myself. Nor will I put my expectations on other people, because lordy I will more in likely get disappointed.

Every time I feel like I headed towards being vulnerable, I call it my personal dumb b**** hours. Alesha, lets think about this before proceeding. Remember what happened last time? Careful girl, make sure this person is safe.

I trusted. I loved deeply. I bared my soul.
My trust was betrayed.
My love used — a relationship of a giver and a taker.
I was exhausted.
I asked for support for the first time — rejected.
My vulnerabilities hung over my head.
Judged, battered, and defamed, I survived.
A cut through my heart left a scar.
Deep was the knife that penetrated my being.
Shaken to the core, I survived.
Build a wall.
No, build a fortress with walls so high.
No one now will invade. I will protect myself. I need no one.
I am strong. I am independent.
Wait, I don’t like being called strong. I had no choice but to be strong.
I survived, but now I have to learn to live.
I have to learn to trust again and be weak sometimes.
No one can do it alone, and it is okay to ask for help.
I am independent and dependent.
I am worthy. I claim my powers to trust, love back.-
Priya Tandon,

Another poem I relate to.

For my whole life, I openly loved my school. It was my dream college.

To get up there and realized it wasn’t what I thought was heartbreaking to me. To be treated like I’m someone they didn’t want or a worthless piece of shit all the time was difficult and different.

College apparently is supposed to be the place where you feel safe I suppose?

I felt low. I never felt completely safe. After attending, it changed my whole perspective on college and life. Neatless to say I’m not a fan anymore. I for a long time wonder/wondered if putting all that years of schooling was worth all that pain and torture.

I couldn’t believe people could be that cruel and how far people would go to sabotage you.

I love my friends and the people I met. But I never told anyone how bad it got. (Let’s be honest, no one wants to hear that shit all the time anyways).

My confidence, pride and ego took a hit, and I felt like I told myself a lie based on the information I was given for years.

Not only did watching friends pass away was painful, getting treated badly based on your skin color was hurtful. And my invisible illness was there, but I was not believed because I didn’t look sick. I felt stabbing pains and cramps from hell even then. And wasn’t sure what was going on with my body to feel that way. I felt so badly I laid in bed for days (AND NOW I know what it is, I’ve been told it’s one of the most excruciating pains a human being can experience, and I totally believe them.)

I couldn’t believe the place I loved for the first 18 years of my life treated me this way.

I felt disgusted, disappointed and drained many times. My spirit was broken.

I felt like I was the person no one wanted. And usually people see me as a confident person, but I wasn’t in these instances. Imagine being sucker punched in the gut and stabbed in the heart with a knife and your soul scorched by the gatekeepers.

Legally and personally, I was told that the “powers at be" were intimidated by me and wasn’t sure how to take me because I didn’t act how a black lady should act in their minds. They followed harmful stereotypes instead of getting to know me as a person. They put you through hell and high water just to see how much you can take. And they are afraid of your power and the day that you discover it.

Whatever the case, in my opinion no one deserves to be abused or treated badly because of jealousies, insecurities, racism and they are afraid of someone doing better than them (get used to it kiddos, there’s always going ot be someone ahead of you no matter what you do).

It’s easier to throw someone away instead of working with someone who is having a hard time and struggling, especially if it takes longer to work through it. For example, It was easier for my college to wash their hands of it and me and move on. It’s easier to avoid something or someone. It’s easier to run away from problems. Suicide is not a easy topic to discuss nor is it a conversation people like to have. One of the biggest lessons I learned from all this is if you have your own, you don’t have to be financially dependent on anyone.

Be careful who you share your heart with because your spirit flows from it.

Everytime people ask about my “alma mater” I’m reminded of all the painful memories. It floods back like a water fall. I hope it gets to a point where I’m not asked about it anymore. (As a baby face unfortunately I have like 10 more years of the harassment of questions. Does my gray hairs count?)

My fortress is still high to this day. And I don’t see people in the same way. I’m way more cautious also.

I was shown a video because it reminded them of me.

Not saying I won’t put others happiness before myself anymore. But nowadays I’m a little more selfish and a little less giving. I’m careful who I show my vulnerable and giving side to. In relationships, apparently, you are supposed to think about the other person first. Due to my experiences, more in likely, I will continue to put the oxygen mask on myself first then help others when my needs are met first.

I have some family members say “you’re selfish now.” Yep. How do you like the new, looking out for myself and improved me? “Maybe you look out for some of your cousins?" I do, they know who they are. If you have to ask the question, you are obvs not one of the people I look out for.

Meet ice princess Alesha. Or Elsa.

Howdy do.

Dear Grandpa Issac,

Mom told me stories that you gave up on people and you spent weeks at a time in nature. You’ve been dead since I was 7 or 8, but I totally understand now how you felt more than ever. I’m not completely closed off, but I do like spending a lot of time in nature feeding animals, like you lol. People let me down so many times, and it was totally my fault for trusting them in the first place. (Sorry man, you are not gonna have any great-grands, hope you understand. But you will have loads of great grand plants, great grand cats, dogs and squirrels. As you discovered, animals are just nicer and less drama.) Keanu Reeves, a famous actor on earth, perfected for himself a way of keeping a distance from people, and I have a tendency to do the same.

Grandpa, I just try to do the things I enjoy and that make me happy. Try to do the things that make me feel good about myself. I don’t want to hurt myself by putting myself out there where I make myself so vulnerable to people that results in a people overly rejecting me, tearing me down, and making me feel like a worthless piece of garbage. I don’t deserve that. And I’m not going to voluntarily put myself in that position multiple times, especially when I know it’s better to walk away from a situation.

(Now I get that some rejection is a part of life and you are re-directed to something better, totally get. But everyone is not trustworthy or safe to open up to. Other times it’s best to just save yourself from unnecessary grief. And sometimes I’ve found that I’m putting myself through humiliating, embarrassing and unnecessary changes when seeking help. As risky as I am in acting, entrepreneurship, and other places in my life, if I don’t feel comfortable or the role is not for me I’m not gonna go for it. For example, why submit an audition when they are looking for a 6'0 male? I’m not that so it’s a waste of time.)

Idk how time works in different dimensions/spaces/heavens/realms/etc, but I hope to see you and all the other people that passed in my life sooner rather than later. Even if it’s in my dreams. I just wanna make sure you’re ok and happy. Love ya.

-Alesha

When we build a fortress around ourselves, no one can get into our hearts, but our hearts will start to not hear its heartbeat amongst the walls that we have built so high. While it may not be easy, and this may be the only coping mechanism we know, we must slowly and safely open ourselves and allow ourselves to trust, love, and be vulnerable again.

I’m to the point where I will not deal with something I don’t have to. I don’t want to bother anyone that doesn’t want to be bothered with me.

I’ve been seeing a lot of angel numbers, and here’s one of the messages from 333.

It can be frustrating when big opportunities slip away, not because you were not qualified, but because the world told you “no.” Now you might be wondering if you missed your one shot at success.

It’s not a secret that if you had been given the chance you could have been a doctor, lawyer, or professor. However, you’ve had to deal with more obstacles and hardships over the last few years than most people have to overcome in their entire lives.

Thanks for the reminder on the hardships and obstacles. I rather keep that to myself.

You like to take the road less traveled, even if it means less success or personal recognition. (Yep)

You believe in God but he doesn’t speak directly to you like he does with others. However, you may have had spiritual experiences that were caused by angels in your life.

The plans you’ve made might not have worked out the way you expected, but that’s okay.

Honest question before I go:

Have you ever had someone or something cause you so much pain and torture that you just don’t see them in the same way anymore?

Their words or actions caused you so much pain that forgiving them is close to impossible?

At the moment you are unwilling to forgive others for the pain they’ve caused you because to be frank they don’t deserve it (yeah yeah for all you church going peeps it’s not the “Christian” way but hear me out) .

Or forgiving them seems to be a betrayal of your hurt? Or someone went out of their way to destroy you and your reputation?

Let me know what you think in a private note. I’ve had successes and moved on, but there’s some people that done somethings where I’m like how dare they do that and they really think I’m going to see them in the same way or let them back in my life? Wtf. I’m not God or a saint.

Here’s my thing. I have my limits and I’m not the most religious person in the world. People make mistakes and I don’t sweat over the small stuff. But I will be honest. I give people way more chances then they deserve. But when I’m done, I’m done. I’ve forgiven people just for them to pull their same bullshit on me. It’s hurtful and heavily violating when someone says they are sorry but don’t mean it; they don’t make amends or attempt to fix what happened, infact they rev it up more and do more harmful things just to see how much you can take. I’m not gonna be a doormat and keep taking people’s bad behavior. Anthony Moore and Max Will have excellent lists that I have followed. If someone keeps doing the same things and keep displaying the same behaviors and don’t take steps to change their behavior, they are not sorry.

#1 Weakness is being vulnerable. The cost and price I paid was way too high. And still is.

(Just another FYI. I’m not gonna keep explaining myself like this in articles. I’m going to live my life and if I disappear off the face of the earth for a bit from time to time, I will leave these articles up so any unanswered questions of yours can be answered. Is that understood? Good).

I can like a person, but if I don’t feel safe I’m not opening up. I will flirt with a wall, but when it comes to intimacy, I do not open up unless I’m feeling deeply for a person or if it’s a friend that has shown they don’t spill secrets. For example, I love my family, but there’s some people who cannot keep their mouth closed to save their lives. I love them, but I accept them for who they are.

#2 Accepting too many people’s apologies at face value just to realize later they were doing it out of convenience, they really didn’t mean what they said. Or their behavior suggested they were just setting you up for the kill. And it really was/is setting you up for the kill.

Wish me luck. I’ve had better luck opening up to animals and my refrigerator. Ok occasionally a friend like Acshettle and Steve Bello .

It’s 2021 🔥🙌

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