The Person I Took The Bullet For Was Behind The Trigger

This was technically supposed to be my third Medium post. Oh well. As I was posting, I found a whole slew of posts I missed from my 1st blog post. I was trying to honor where I started and whoops. In order to clearly understand, it’s best to read these in this order. It’s almost like reading chapter 4 then jumping to 15 lol. More in likely another mistake will happen. I even tried waking up at 4 am to play catch up haha. You might be reading a few of these posts twice. This is like a journal of my school days, which I washed my hands of and threw away. I avoid these days like the plague. Fun facts about this story. This person was never a friend to begin with, I was too stupid to realize it. We went to the same high school, and I almost wish we never re-connected after that. She basically spread a nasty rumor on me when I simply admired what she was doing in college. It got to her head and used the opportunity to be mean. It’s a classic mean girl story, and she thought she was better. If you don’t know, I had a hard time in school-I lost friends and family to suicide, murder, and sickness. When I needed people to be nice, people were mean as hell. More than being rejected, watching people pass away between the ages of 19–25 changed how I felt about college in a weird way. And here’s someone who had her shit together? Socially accepted by college circles? Holy shit! I’ll have what she’s having. I’m not saying that I wanted to be exactly like her (because her head already got too big) but I just wanted enough to rub off on me to find my own way. I more in likely I won’t admire someone like this ever again. Whew I’m so glad these days are behind me. I hate that place. I also hate that I spent so much time loving it. I adore the people that attempted to love me (I love you too). In my real world life I’m making up for lost time and opportunities.

After watching Investigation Discovery’s Stalked show and reading the first chapter of the “Whisper of Fear: The True Story of the Prosecutor Who Stalks the Stalkers “ the girl that I admired from my high school should be absolutely ashamed of herself for accusing me of stalking. It’s hurtful for people to spread that gossip around about you. I write this for anyone out there that’s been falsely accused of something, or if people lied on you. I’m comfortable with talking about it.

My mistakes:

I was wrong for looking up to you and thinking you were cool.

I was wrong for wanting you to be my friend, and thinking you were a trust worthy person to talk to.

People will disappoint, but it’s my fault for expecting so much out of them.
You removing me of your friend list on Facebook was the best thing you’ve done for me.

You can’t ever say I called or texted you on an hourly basis, or sent you 500 emails. I’m sorry that I wanted to be your sorority sister. I’m glad I ended up not being in the same house as you after all. I have to confess, I feel like I go out of my way too much for people. I had a true friend tell me that I care too much to the point I could get hurt in the end. I don’t disagree.

I make the mistake of trying to reach out too much. You claimed that you were a fan of my music, but the way you treated me towards the end looking back, I don’t believe you.I looked up to you because I was having a hard time and saw you as inspiration. I choose not to be jealous of someone having more success than me. I tend to show love even if the love isn’t shown to me. I apologize for seeing you as a positive influence. It was a mistake and it won’t happen again.

Sorry for writing letters to you telling you how much your friendship means to me. I should have saved those for the people in my life now.

(Update. And a big sidenote: However this is one thing I will admit. Confession: I do study people instead of asking nosy questions. If this is a form of stalking, I’m guilty as charged. Remember the part above where I said I don’t get jealous of people having more success than me? I have come to grips with the cold fact that there are several things in this life that I won’t have the chance to do. My college dreams (btw, my college experience for the most part is a subject I really don’t touch) are buried 6 feet under and really can’t be digged up. I like taking notes and study people doing cool things; I also sincerely admire some of the people in my life that make their dreams come true. I watch people because actions speak louder than words. It’s super easy for people to blow their own horns and brag about themselves. I will happily admit that this person that I used to admire had a legendary college career that is simply untouchable, and for someone having a hard time, I saw this as inspiration to get through my struggles, like I see my TRUE friend’s accomplishments today as inspiring. I would have to go to heaven and be reborn again to even try to do half the stuff she did. If I had the chance to do even 25% of the things she did, my college experiences would be more fulfilled and less painful. Even with that, I let the wrong person impact my life. I figured it out through observation. To have someone you look up to or respect or admire throw you away like garbage hurts. I’m super stupid for looking up to her in the 1st place. I’m starting to understand why I went through certain things, but that doesn’t mean the pain just disappears.)

If you are familiar with any college scene, small town, or a regular at going out, it’s natural to run into the same people because you like hanging out at the same spots. It’s very common for people to see me all the time, and I see the same people all the time. We have common interest and like the same places. We never accused each other of stalking. Is your head really up your ass (excuse my french, haha) that much where you took admiring you as stalking? I’d say so. You indeed were too good to hang out with someone like me, because I was below you. I’d say so. I think you like the idea of someone looking up to you. I actually talked to a lawyer or two and told them the WHOLE story. The good, the bad, and the straight ugly. I asked if the girl has a case against me. They looked at me saying that girl is full of…..and you know the rest.

I’m not perfect, I make mistakes. I’ll be the first to say sorry when I’m wrong. The relationships I have with family and friends mean more to me than my ego. However, this is one I will not apologize for. (Well, I am sorry that I looked up to you). I’m sick of people accusing me of things, and thinking they can just walk all over me.

You taught me several lessons:

#1: Don’t make someone a priority that only sees you as a option.

#2. Not everyone that you want to be friends with wants to be friends with you. As much as it hurts, let them go, sooner rather than later.

#3. Like most people, when you are experiencing your lows of lows, they are never around. Heard of the quote 20% don’t care and 80% are happy that you are going through it?

#4. You also taught me that people creep on your Facebook without liking or commenting. The question I want to ask: I did make a song on that subject. How’d you know about the song? It was never that popular. I posted on my Facebook, only. It’s funny. The thing you accuse me of being is the thing you ended up being. If you are so much better than me, then why would you make time to look at my Facebook or pay attention to my posts? You got set-up, Stalker.

#5. I find out that you are not the person that I thought you were. I’m finding out more and more some people front appearances to put on a certain facade, trying to be who they are not to fit in, and move
up the social ladder. I’m sorry I thought highly of you, and I mean it.

#6. I used to go around telling people how fond I was of you, thinking you were so awesome. Side note: I even defended this person several times. That was a huge mistake. I remember one time I just wanted to say hello to her, and she acted so mean and even stuck out her tongue at me. :( I understood from that point that she didn’t want me to hang out with her and her friends and made it very clear. The people who are think are closest to you hurt you the most. The person I took the bullet for was behind the trigger.

Update: #7: “Never Waste Another Day a Begging Someone to Love You. Their love is not worth having if you have to beg for it.”

Update: #8 “God will sometimes end a relationship for your protection. So stop chasing after the person that He is trying to save you from.”

I saw this sooner on, when people NEVER EVER respond to texts, phone calls or Facebook messages, that’s a huge sign they don’t want to be bothered. Busy is what they will say when they see you in person, so do them and yourself a favor and leave them alone. They are not interested in you or your friendship. It’s sad how mean some people are, and you will be better off if you are honest with yourself upfront. Don’t be stupid like I was, seeking out a person that couldn’t be what I really wanted them to be, a friend.

I was ultimately wrong for expecting so much, and in return that ends up being my downfall. I should stop seeking out many people to be something they are not capable of being: True friends. I make the mistake of having too much faith in people, just being honest.

There’s people that admire me today, and I admire them. A big lesson from you? Not to admire like that ever again. There’s people I would do anything for, but I question if the favor would be returned (probably not, but that’s called unconditional love, doing something for someone and expecting nothing in return). As much as I love the people that I admire today, I don’t think they care for me like I care for them. I sometimes think they don’t want to be bothered. I can tell, but they won’t admit it, it hurts me that some of the people that I care about won’t be honest, even when I ask them to.This is just me being 100% honest with myself and putting a knife through my secretly hurting heart.

I admit, this doesn’t happen to me too often, most of the people I’ve friended in my life are for keeps. But there were several people that I didn’t want to be friends with from my past. They wanted to hang out, but they were toxic, but I always treated them nicely and backed away from them in a kind matter. I refused to go down to their level and spread gossip on them like they did to me. There was even a guy from my high school days that did everything he could to hang out with me, and I wasn’t romantically interested at all. He didn’t want to get it. I started distancing myself and it got nasty.

I promise the following: you don’t have to worry about me getting in touch with you for any reason, if I see you and your friends in public, I will avoid you like plague. If I happen to cross paths with you, I’ll give you a peace sign and keep walking. Despite your position, I don’t hate you. You are in my prayers. I will do both of us a favor and stay away. I blame myself for not accepting sooner that you didn’t want to be bothered with me. I won’t admire like that again. I don’t admire you anymore and you don’t have to worry about me admiring you ever again.

Just for the record, a stalker would take this rejection as devastating and try to take any and all steps to get next to you, even if ask them to leave you alone, filed a police report, etc. I’m no expert in this, if you want a better description of what stalking is, watch Investigation Discovery’s Stalked and read this: Whisper of Fear: The True Story of the Prosecutor Who Stalks the Stalkers. If you wanted me out of your life and you didn’t want to be friends anymore, you should’ve just said so, and I would have done so. I never have called anyone 100 times, I have never waited for someone outside their house for 8 hours, and I have not climbed through anyone’s window at 4:00 am to be at the end of their bed watching them sleep. That’s creepy. That’s insulting to be called a stalker after watching and reading about it; it’s not okay. It’s uncalled for..

Isn’t it ironic? We adore the people who ignore us, we ignore the people who adore us. Love the ones who hurt us, hurt the ones that love us. “

In your opinion, what is a stalker? Have you been accused of doing something and it’s just not true? Does running into the same group of people all the time when you go out places count as stalking or
some people just full of themselves?

Hello! I’m Alesha! I’m a musician, actress, entrepreneur and writer. Follow on Twitter. If you like what I’m writing, give me a heart and share! :) I like hearts.

Howdy! Entrepreneurship, fitness, music, acting, real estate, tequila & investing is sexy. Idea for an article? Suggestions wanted! https://bit.ly/AleshasTribe

Howdy! Entrepreneurship, fitness, music, acting, real estate, tequila & investing is sexy. Idea for an article? Suggestions wanted! https://bit.ly/AleshasTribe