The Very Beginnings Of Gun Ownership: Why I’m Exploring My Options

It was December 14th, 2019. Me and my mom were doing our usual routine of walking my dog.

We took him through this vacant lot, like we have been doing for years. This black guy accused us of walking too close to his cars and through his yard weeks prior. The shovel we use to pick up dog crap seemed threatening to him.

Owning a gun crossed my mind that day.

The same mentally ill black man saying that he wanted to blow our bitch ass to the ground started the process in my mind.

We called the cops.

They were so passive and didn’t do much. My childhood home is in a transitioning neighborhood 2 minutes away from the Children’s Museum. Because it’s a black neighborhood they don’t care.

The cops basically said don’t go on that side of the street/area for a while. He’s mentally ill and we don’t want to toy with him. (Although we were not doing nothing.)

My apartment in my downtown New York (and even downtown Indy) is so different. The culture and environment is upscale in comparison. Crime can happen anywhere. Some places more often then others.

I have friends in the rich and wealthy neighborhoods where issues like this is a world away. I spend even more time in these environments. Since some of these pads super pricey I’ll sleep on their couches until I upgrade. I’m not a multimillionaire yet lol. JUST KIDDING I have my own pad, frequent over eating vistor is a better term. I don’t want to outstay my welcome.)

(When you hang around these areas people think you are trying to be uppy up. I rather me uppy up 100 times over then hear someone say they want to stick a bullet in me for walking my dog up and down the street). I’m careful not to think I’m too good or better. I choose safety and peace of mind.

But this is the kind of the stuff I watch on crime shows.

Even in nicer places, I don’t let my guard down easily and I’m very careful with who I trust. I still lock my doors, and check it twice. Then I go back and check it again.

I do avoid being in the element as much as I can. I limit my interactions with neighbors in my old neighborhood. I look over my shoulder. While at home my mom suggests I Uber or Lyft to the Children’s Museum.

When I walk my dog in this arena, I step into a Venus Flytrap.

A few hours later after being called b*** to the high heavens, I noticed this white guy was in his yard with a big o truck. Nothing was said to him.

This black guy sees an opportunity to bully and target two women that he sees as weak because he thinks he can get away with it.

(It’s a classic culture of black women being disrespected by their own. We deserve better, but don’t get it. )

My background: I never owned a gun in my life. I went to private schools in suburban areas. I would never considered gun ownership as recently as a few years ago. Holding a gun makes me nervous.

Bullying from some black people have been a common theme my whole life (see my light skin long hair stories). As violent as this guy got, it’s so typical. As he was yelling the disparities, I think of all the years I was a young kid in school and the hate & envy I received because of my light skin long hair. The treatment I received because I didn’t act the way they think I should act.

I have a lot of loving black family and friends, but damn my treatment in this world has been so hateful and downright disrespectful. (And let's make it clear, I’m not saying everyone is the same, but Nissan’s and
Lisa Marbly-Warir’s answers hit the bulleye:)

Black people who have not experienced the level of success they expected (regardless of endeavor) can always blame it on bigotry. “I can’t succeed because ‘they’ won’t let black people…”. If they see another black person who HAS succeeded, that removes their excuse to blame it on bigotry. At that point, the jealous person will refer to the successful black as an “Uncle Tom” or a “sell-out”. Reason: They do not want to face the fact that the reason for their lack of success is not due to bigotry or not being an Uncle Tom, but due 100% to their lack of ability and/or hard work and dedication. Bottom Line: They can always blame their lack of success on bigotry, but a successful black person negates their excuse…that doesn’t sit well and turns to jealousy.-Christope Nissan

Jealousy is found in all races. That said, there is a saying- crabs in the barrel. I have found with a lot of people in our community is, we don’t want another Black person doing better than us.

To be blunt, some Black people want things without having to put blood, sweat and tears in.

If another Black person is successful, or seem successful there are some in our community that will downplay that person’s accomplishments.

Some may feel as though they are being left behind.

It’s a sad reality but as I read those answers it spoke to me because I can’t begin to tell you the number of times I got bad treatment from my “own”. Including being threatened with my life.

Just because someone has arrived doesn’t mean your entitled to anything of theirs. Just because your friend got something doesn’t entitle you to it. No one is leaving you behind because you wasn’t entitled to it in the first place. IT’S NOT YOURS TO TAKE. GET YOUR OWN.

It’s your responsibility to better your life and put yourself in a better position. When you see someone in your family, neighborhood, hood, school, etc do better, they don’t have to reach back to help you if they don’t want to. They can help out who the want on their own terms. Instead of saying “who do they think they are,” why don’t you work so you can have successes of your own?

Life example: I watched friends for years do better than me, especially in college. I watched them get into organizations I didn’t. Sororities wanted them and didn’t want me. Get support I never got, people rallied for them quicker than they did for me. They overlooked me for being president of many organizations. Overall my friends got better treatment. I made my own way and still making my own way. Did I think my friends needed to give up their spot for me? No. Did I get jealous of them? No. Did I ride the bus/subway when they had cars? Yes. Do I still ride the bus/subway while they have cars? YES.(Driving in New York and Chicago is not worth it…)

I was/will always be a Miss Nigeria. I was happy for them and came to terms with the idea that my college years mostly sucked, with the exception of learning how to drink, eating good and meeting a few happy souls along the way.

The point? I don’t mess with anyone. I have a tendency to keep to myself. I’ve been told my whole life that I’m cut from a different cloth; when you don’t fit in with people. People have picked fights with me for no reason and later on you find out people hate you because they ain’t you.

Lately, guys have been coming way too close to me walking around downtown Indy, New York or Chicago. I don’t sit near anyone when I ride the bus or subway, but somehow guys like to sit next to me. My creep factor goes up especially when there’s room to give everyone space. (Like I said above, being in New York or Chicago driving is not worth it. But if the harassment doesn’t cease I’ll take the risk. As someone who is a only child loner, I’m so tired of having to do special things to get people, especially creepers to avoid sitting next to me. Shit leave me the f*** alone ).

Part of me is heavily conflicted. A few cousins were killed by guns. A friend was killed on college campus by a gun. If I wouldn’t be bothered or harassed for the rest of my life, I don’t think I would ever go through with it. Maybe if I go to the Island of Igg I wouldn’t have this issue. Only 50 people live there apparently.

I wouldn’t be opposed to turning in my future gun or my license if I had secret service level security or felt peace of mind.

I love bars and going out. But I’m getting to the point where I’ll retreat for weeks.

First Line Of Thinking.

I’m a single lady (proud future old single bitch. I may adopt) .

My safety feels uneasy walking in a dicey neighborhood. Unfortunately I attract unwanted attention all the time.

I don’t want to bring a knife to a gun fight. I at least want to give myself a fighting chance. The cops don’t care what happens to me, I gotta protect myself.

Should I own a gun or not own a gun? The thought of holding one makes me nervous nevertheless.

For defense purposes, it kept posting daunting questions and overwhelming responsibilities.

Would I really be prepared to play God to take a life, even me or family members were threatened? Do I want to give myself the best chance to defend myself in a hostile situation? Could I deal with the after effects of shooting someone?

Line Of Thinking 2:

Would carrying it add more risk? Would the sucker go off in my pocket by accident? Would it offer better safety odds?

Would I be able to be calm cool and collected if caught off guard at night by an armed assailant? Can I have the shooting skill to handle deadly force?

At this point hell no.

Would I want it around any future kids? (Don’t think it will happen, but I put the question in there to make it interesting).

NO.

Line of thinking 3:

My mom thinks I’m weird for watching crime shows. I watch to put myself in the victim’s shoes. The element in my old neighborhood has me over analyzing crime shows like I’m a seasoned detective. Would having a gun and knowing how to use it in that or this scenario helped save this person’s life?

If kidnapped at gunpoint is there a point in owning a gun if you can’t use it?

There’s one episode where this lady lived in the country. As protection, this lady’s husband and son taught her how to use a gun.

Well she had to put it to use. And thank God she had the skill set to put the gun to use. One night an intruder tried to break in her house. The police was hours away. As the guy broke the door and quickly gaining entry, she warned him a number of times that she has a gun and knows how to use it.

She was on the phone with the 911 operator.

She told the operator that she was about to shoot. The operator told her please don’t.

She shot the guy and saved her life. It took the police another 10, 15 minutes after the fact (maybe longer).

If that lady didn’t shoot she would not be alive today. (She said that in the story.)

Seeing that made me picture myself at a shooting range.

At this point I just want better protection for me and my dog. I really don’t think I would use it too often. It’s primarily when I’m walking/driving around in questionable neighborhoods.

If it boils down to me gaining a new skill to use at a shooting range, cool. If I end up gaining a lifetime hobby, great. If I end up only needing it for a short period span in my life, and not touching a gun again for the rest of my life, cool.

My options are open at this point.

I’ll keep you posted.