These 1889 Spinsters Are Like The Sisters I Never Had
In 1889, a group of women were asked why they are still single and asked to submit their responses in the paper. In the Victorian Era, there was a lot of pressure to get married. In this piece it says that pressure to marry isn’t high today. Ehhh not quite.
Society depicts single women as people who are missing something from their lives. Rarely do single women get the luxury of being seen as freedom-loving, joyful, fulfilled and complex as single men are. Unlike single men who are praised for being lifelong bachelors, single women are usually asked, “Why are you still single?” and instead interrogated about their romantic prospects until the end of time. Their achievements, social networks, passions, hobbies and personalities usually take a backseat to conversations about their relationship status, which is lauded as the end-all, be-all of their lives.-Single Women Are Happier Than Society Thinks They Are — According To Research, Shahida Arabi
Realities:
“We hear all about how single people are supposedly at risk for becoming lonely, but little about the creative, intellectual, and emotional potential of solitude… We are told that single people do not have the intimacy that married people find in their partners, but hear only crickets about the genuine attachment relationships that single people have with the most important people in their lives.
Missing from the stacks of journal articles is any sustained attention to the risks of intensive coupling — investing all of your emotional and relationship stock into just one person, “The One” — or to the resilience offered by the networks of friends and family that so many single people maintain.”- Dr. Bella DePaulo
Single people are more confident doing things by themselves-Since they don’t overly rely on anyone else to get any of their needs met, they have a heightened sense of awareness, go getter attitude and are more likely to experience a life-long growth mindset and self-development. Their continuous self-determination sets the tone on how they led their lives. Single people are pros at managing their emotions without the need for anyone to validate their self-worth. (Happiness Expert Finds That Single Women Are The Healthiest & Happiest People)
Since single people don’t have no one to turn to, they have no choice but to create their own social activities for themselves. According to DePaulo, single women are particularly good at maintaining friendships and social circles and seeing family more. This makes single people more comfortable doing solo activities which enriches all parts of their lives. (Single Women Are Happier Than Society Thinks They Are — According To Research)
Being single might provide some freedom from the emotionally laborious task of being in a relationship.
Despite progress towards equal rights, women still continue to do more domestic and emotional labor in relationships. Some scientists theorized that living alone liberates women from traditional roles and expectations. Instead of holding down a full-time job, doing all of the household tasks, and serving as primary caregivers for their children, unmarried women can make choices in how they handle life tasks and their work-life balance. Furthermore, single women have more control over their finances and don’t spend all their time arguing with a spouse over their own purchases. Single women don’t drain their emotional energy by stroking a man’s ego or soothing bruised children’s feelings.
The misconception that women who are not in relationships cannot thrive or be happy alone is one that needs to be trashed. These stigmas only pressure women to get into toxic relationships without taking the time to do the inner soul work. It also adds to the false narrative that a relationship is a end all be all and that it automatically solves problems. I forget where I saw this, but one blogger wrote I don’t know why a lot of people use marriage to solve problems. Getting married to escape problems is not a good reason to get married, it will lead to more problems. Even when I was younger, I was made to believe that marriage was like the romances out of a Disney movie, and it’s the only thing I’m supposed to strive for and be in life-someone’s wife and mother. I told them to take this theory and stove it in my 20’s (see my other articles for details, I’m not going to explain my story here or keep explaining it over and over.) I’ll try to put most of my body of work below.
As this 107 woman pointed out, she believes she lived a long time because she chose not to marry. According to Arabi, single women can be just as psychologically and physically healthy, if not more, than their coupled counterparts. In fact, many of the studies on marriage praising its resulting life satisfaction are biased towards emphasizing those who stayed married, rather than those who later divorced or became widowed. People who stayed married actually only had a slight increase in happiness shortly after marriage due to a “honeymoon effect,” which after a few years reverted back to their original level of happiness before the marriage.
Because we live in a marriage oriented society, most studies/articles/therapists/coaches will push the married agenda.
The pressure can be so high to marry that otherwise happily single people (especially women) may feel forced into sustaining toxic partnerships that actually make them unhappier long-term, just to achieve a sense of “being normal” and fitting in. They also are more in likely to get coerced to go back to an unhappy or toxic situation to maintain the status quo or “keep the family together.”
The social stigma of being single, rather than being single itself that is the problem. Since women are socialized to derive their self-worth from their relationship status, many single women can feel affected by societal pressures and judgment to evaluate and compare their lifestyles to their married friends.
The myth of “marital superiority” is clearly one that can look better on paper than in real life. In general, those who were happiest before they were married remained that way after marriage — which suggests that marriage itself was not the sole conduit for that joy.-Dr. Bella
I think at this point and with the articles on my profile over the years I stated my case.
I first saw this article from Linda Caroll and I’m thinking, these are my soul sisters from another era, and is there a way to build a time machine so I can meet them? Yes there is still a “giamourous” pressure (in the spirit of Elf) to get married.
“If you are not already a happy person, don’t count on marriage to transform you into one. If you are already happy, don’t expect marriage to make you even happier…finally, if you are single and happy, do not fret that you will descend into despair if you dare to stay single. That’s not likely either.” — Dr. Bella DePaulo, Singled Out, How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, Ignored, And Still Live Happily Ever After
Bottom Line: If you want marriage, I want it for you. I hope you find what you are looking for, for reals. But the more I go through life, I realize I’m better off being a single ho. (Or you can reference ho ho ho as Santa states, every time he says ho ho ho, I just add single ho ho ho. I really think we just need to respect a person’s decision on how they want to lead their lives and not pressure them to be one way or the other.
When I look on Facebook, I can happy for my friends and family members that found the love of their lives without wanting to be a part of it myself. I’m not going to run out here and hire a love coach because I think I’m missing out. Or get married solely because everyone else is doing it. Listening to others well intentioned advice ultimately wasn’t the best for me throughout the years and led to some bad things. I’m supposed to want this and So I made a promise for the rest of my life I will listen to myself for myself.
I would love to go on for the rest of my life and not be asked about getting married to a guy. I also try to stay out of people’s personal lives in the hopes that they stay out of mine, it’s none of my business in the first place (sometimes people bring up their personal lives, and if they want to talk about themselves that’s cool, but know I prefer to stay of of your business lol). And if you have a life, you have no time to meddle in others’ lives right? This theory doesn’t work. As a lady, the only way I can make this wish come true is to stay away from most people. Or limit my contact with them. Or keep moving and leave no forwarding address, and make my whereabouts super hard. I’m low key doing this already.
*Even while in the hospital, I sign the documents that says no one knows that I’m there lol.
P.S. Airplane mode on your cell phone and nature is the best creations. If they can’t get in touch they can’t bother you. Try it sometime lol!
*Salute to all the articles I’ve piggybacked off of. I referenced them below.
So without further ado.
Here’s my sisters from 1889 that I never had the opportunity to meet. If you don’t have thick skin, don’t read these. I’m sure you seen these in other articles. (Men, I love you, but I’m also convinced that marriage isn’t for everyone, myself included. My guy friends are aware of my stance also, this doesn’t surprise them).
“Because men, like three-corned tarts, are deceitful. They are very pleasing to the eye, but on closer acquaintanceship prove hollow and stale, consisting chiefly of puff, with a minimum of sweetest, and an unconquerable propensity to disagree with one.
This is especially true in cultures where young women are pressured to get married and marriage is considered an integral part of their social status. Even if they have nourishing, fulfilling lives, single women may feel that this pressure and judgment detracts from their overall sense of joy. They may feel excluded from events and holidays that extol coupledom, or feel shamed by their peers who perpetuate these pressures. However, as this stigma lessens, the possibility of leading a satisfying life regardless of one’s relationship status becomes that much more powerful and accessible. That’s why it’s so important to continue to dismantle the harmful stereotypes of what it means to be single and celebrate singlehood just as much as we celebrate marriage.
References:
After you read enough of my personal articles, you will see why the single lifestyle fits me perfectly. #ForeverBachoretteClub
It’s 2022 🔥🙌
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