Healthy Solitude Becomes Isolation

I’ve crossed the line multiple occasions. Here’s why I’m happy anyways.

After years of trust being broken. People leaving my life because of jealousy, hating to see you do better and more, I’m thinking I may have crossed the line into isolation.

Here’s Why

#1

My mom said once “you might find yourself on the do not call list” a while back.

I responded I don’t care. Without hesitation and with a quickness. My background of being an only child and some childhood experiences really makes me enjoy more quiet time. I hold on to the memories of being with a big crowd but I don’t have to be in the mix of it all the time. Nor do I want to be.

I noticed in different periods (and sometimes today) I had to try harder to build bonds but found out later that they weren’t my crowd.

I understand why I quite never fit in anywhere. When you do find people you clique with, it just works naturally. You don’t have to try harder because those are your people.

When you don’t expect much you don’t want much. I have high standards. More on this below.

I realized that my ex from 8 years ago is still following me on social media. As I hit the 5 year mark on a previous relationship, I am in no rush to get serious with another boy.

I have to watch saying that I’m single too loudly. If I don’t watch it, people will start saying “Aw you’re so cute and I got a boy in mind” oh geez. No no no.

Instead of trying to hook me up with every Tom, Dick, and Harry, give me something where I can build another income stream.

As a lady, the message we get screamed down our throats since the beginning of time is to get a man to make you financially better. After being let down by so many, my thing is to make myself better in privacy. Nobody ever has to know.

Every time I’m in Indianapolis, I get bummed rushed with a bunch of phone calls from wanna be flames. (I’m almost hesitant to tell people when I’m “home” home.) I tell them all the time I’m not interested in being prey. I keep the conversations cordial. And reach out to friends that will still talk to me from school to catch up. (Mostly older ladies that are friends because they don’t try to hit on me lol. And the few guys that understand they are bros only, and don’t push the envelope and ever try to play me like a toy. I appreciate you more than you know.)

Here’s what I learned in life: YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS. No spouse. No one else.

Someone can add to your happiness. But no sole person is responsible for your well-being.

With that in mind, my solo adventures continues. Give me the table of 1 please.

To end this section, I tell guys this all the time: chasing me down like a wild hyena is not a turn on. Staring at me like you wanna rip my clothes off is not cool to me. I don’t care about that sort of thing. I’m not prey. Go after women who enjoy that shit and leave me alone. I’m a human being that’s not an animal or sex object.

#2

When you stop having expectations from people, you don’t have to worry about them disappointing you.

I can’t begin to tell you the number of people that said they would be there. They were the first to leave.

A lot of my so called friends from my various college organizations, especially Alpha Phi Omega deleted me off Facebook. I don’t even care. Because I appear threatening to them due to some of my accomplishments, they can’t handle it (mutual people have verified this). If I update my LinkedIn with more of my projects, I know my Facebook numbers will continue to drop for a fact. I really don’t use LinkedIn anymore. (More on that in another article).

Remember this: People say they want to see you do better, then when you actually do, watch them leave your life and drop like flies. They hate to see you do better than them.

#3

People say for safety reasons you shouldn’t travel alone.

Whoops.

I break this rule all the time.

I do it all the time for fun, acting, and eating.

I do it so much that I don’t have to talk about. Family members and friends don’t know until much later.

#4

If I’m on a cruise ship, I wipe down germs. I want to avoid that too. When I was on a boat last summer, every time I touched a metal door, my hand sanitizer close by.

I remember in my younger years I got sick more because I was around more people.

Since getting older, colds are less frequent because I’m around less people.

I guess I can be appreciative of the fact that my immunity is build up.

Am I completely a hermit? No.

I volunteer plenty.

I film plenty.

I record plenty.

Businesses? I create plenty.

I bar hop plenty.

When I go into my castle, I really don’t want to be bothered.

It’s like being an a bear in hibernation. I said I would mention that I want to be a bear in a facebook photo a while back.

#5

You got to give yourself what you wish you can get from someone else, many times in your life. I can’t emphasize this enough.

When it comes to popularity contests, and cliques, I fail. People never picked me first, they would go for the people they were closest with first.

I can’t begin to tell you the number of times I tried out for organizations or president. Or tried out for them in the first place.

We decided to go with someone else.

You don’t follow through.

Am I entitled to it? No. When the same people are picked over and over, and then their friends are picked over and over. You know it’s out of your control. You ain’t in the clique boo. (People go with people who they know, like and trust.).

When you rely on other people too much, they will disappoint you and fail you.

I pick myself and choose myself.

The only exception in my life? ACTING. In acting I don’t think about it because that’s one area where if you don’t pick the right person, that production is f****. I passed on roles before because they didn’t feel right. When I saw them in that role, they were perfect for it.

When people let you down, pump yourself up.

You got to give yourself what you wish you can get from someone else.

#5

I run into so many that are afraid that they can’t get any better or do any better and admit it. So they settle in their lives and get into a routine. I’m not one of these people. Because I’m not one of those people, this results in a degree of separation. Being alone is not the worst thing, it’s being around the wrong people to begin with.

Some don’t expect much you don’t want much. Others don’t think they have much to offer or don’t require much. I have high standards to the point where some say I’m hard on some. In many areas of my life, I’m hard and play hard ball. I have high expectations and expect to exceed them (Even my exercise routine is difficult in nature.)

I aim for the moon, and if I miss at least I’m amongst the stars. This goes for relationships and everywhere in between. I’m picky. I love the finer things in life and I’m not afraid to admit it.

On Christmas Eve I was saying Happy Birthday to an old classmate. And lets put it this way: their standards is not my standards. Some of the things they deal with I would say no way to in a heartbeat. (Some people don’t want much, and as long as their happy I’m happy for them.)

I don’t overthink why I never fit in with the people I went to grade school with (ESPECIALLY GRADE SCHOOL). We were just different people. I’m not ghetto (wouldn’t make the cut for any OG or gangster contest). We just grew up on “different side of the tracks” and sometimes people misunderstood me and didn’t take the time to get to know me without prejudices and stereotyping. By no means was I rich, my mom kept me out of the rift raft.

On the other hand.

I’m not a snob by no means. Trust me I’ve performed in dive bars with bands, and can relate to all kinds of people. Whom much is received much is required. I just aim super high. And I’ve experienced some cool things because of it.

#6

I’ve had plenty of situations in my life where I had to put on the big girl pants and “handle it.”

This is from friends passing away to watching my grandpa get zipped up in a body bag at 9. And recently in 2017 when I saw them roll my grandmother’s body out of my childhood home (I suggested that we leave her in the hospital for one more day, but did they listen? Of course not.) At this point I lost over 10 friends to suicide, one to a campus shooting and a few (2010s was an interesting decade when watching people pass away. In that instance I said good riddance and hello 2020.)

These situations made me have thick skin. And to disassociate from it to make it through the day or class. Or work. (In acting I can tap into it if needed. Business I leave it because no one cares about your problems, they want you to solve theirs).

It’s hard to know who I can trust, so I don’t let my guard down as easily. This may come off as me retreating from people. In some instances, I have.

A former friend named Danielle in Alpha Phi Omega I used to be involved with reached out because one friend after the other passed away around 2014ish. At the time, we were taking in new members (pledges). I never told anyone how hard it was to deal with being a pledge trainer, dealing with one friend after another passing away from suicide, and your college trying to subtly tell you that you’re a stupid minority that won’t amount to much. Mitch said rare creatures even in 2019. (I have written articles on why I don’t like the victim or race card. I’m writing an future article on it).

I said shit I must be the worst female pledge trainer ever. I’ll own it. I’ll still try despite. No one knows what I’m going through nor do they give a f***.

I wanted to be open.

Bottom line: If I think they are going to use my information to gossip, I’ll wait a while tell them something, or not at all.

I always appreciate her and a few others reaching out. But I saw the gossiping, I saw the cliquish behavior, and I wasn’t sure. I sided on the air of caution and didn’t say anything to any one. (Even the Dean of Students, a room full of paper pushing adults said one thing but did another. Even with them being older they talked and did little. They were not “there” for me like they said they would. So what’s to keep people around my age from doing the same thing? Using my information on the tabloids and to kick someone down with?)

People say they won’t say nothing but I learned earlier in life to never tell something to someone you don’t want the world to know. I’ve watched too many crime shows where people made promises to not ever tell someone something and what DO THEY DO? Spill the beans during police interrogation to save their ass breaking your promises. I’ve watched too many people say they won’t talk but run the trap like there’s no tomorrow given the opportunity.

It’s not that I don’t like people and can’t ever trust people. I have to be really sure.

Many situations in my life made me tough as nails and I rely on this toughness and mental strength often.

I really don’t talk to many in APO anymore. It’s not that I don’t like them. I shut them out because I couldn’t trust them. Which is why I didn’t have strong bonds. Same with grade school, I don’t plan on showing up to any reunions except high school reunions.

(If I can’t trust, I won’t reveal much even if I like the person.)

Could that change in the future? I don’t think so. I may open up if the circumstances and the stars align. And a huge miracle.

I tell people if I open up to them, please don’t make me regret it later. I would much rather talk to a wall, because it won’t ever say anything (make sure the police didn’t wire tap your home because at that point the walls record stuff haha).

Would it been nice to have a genuine non gossiping group of people to talk to when they discovered my friend’s dead body in his dorm room? Of course. Would it been nice to have “sisters” to be there when I felt sick from my unknown tumor at the time and watching my friend get killed on campus? Absolutely. They all rejected me and for years I got the run around trying to join organizations (some apparently said it wasn’t the right fit, I love when people think they knew/know what was best for me; wowers: I CAN GET IN A CLUB or ORG AND DECIDE FOR MYSELF IF IT IS/WAS RIGHT FOR ME. ) As a result I turned to JOMO and borderline isolation at that point.

It would have been nice to have people there not to solve anything but to be there, however I didn’t have that. Like I said these situations in my life made me hard as a rock and I rely on this toughness and mental strength often. People will let you down if you live long enough.

Remember when I said that you got to give yourself what you wish you can get from someone else, many times in your life? I look in the mirror all the time and say “Alright b**** you got this. Get up and workout or do whatever you need to do.”

#7

The Billie Eilish and Steve Bello Influence:

I recently watched a video about Billie Elish not wanting to collaborate with artists, and ignoring DM’s from other stars.

My friend and fellow musician Steve Bello mentioned that he works better alone in a few of his articles, and he doesn’t collaborate too much.

The more I navigate this music industry, the more I find myself wanting to go that route.

I got one collaboration done recently (free download). But so many more artists never got back to me. I sent 2 artists 10 songs each. They said they would get them done and never did. To be quite frank, this behavior pisses me off. As a only child I’m trying hard to be a team player but geez that rattles the f*** out of me.

And yet when they think you on to something, they want to ride your coattails. I’m starting to take on the Eilish effect on when that time comes, I’ll tell them reasons why I don’t want to collaborate with them specifically.

Like Eilish is saying, we can be friends but I’m gonna start being picky with who I collab with. And really I don’t ask for much, EXCEPT TO LET ME KNOW IF YOU LIKE THE SONG OR NOT.

#8

On New Years Day, I saw Lil Nas X during CBS this morning getting interviewed.

He basically said the response he’s been getting from Old Town Road has been big and how his life have changed. (Not the exact words but you get the point).

People are interesting to me..

During the clip of him visiting his old high school, (which he attended just two years ago), kids were screaming and running after him. They didn’t give him this support while he was there, so why start now? If they felt this way all along, why not clap for him like this while he attended school there? (There have been instances of people supporting each other just to be nice).

This footage showed me that most people are so fake, and they only want a piece when you are on the up and up. I’m 99% sure if his fame and money goes away they wouldn’t want anything to do with him.

If I ever met Lil Nas X, the first question I would ask off record is how do you know who you can trust and who you can’t?

Like I said in a previous article, I ask celebrities that I worked with the “trust” question. How do you know if people want to be around you for who you are, and not what you got or your fame?

These “celebs” are not stupid. They can pick up on bandwagon riders and fair-weathered people pretty quickly from talking with them. There’s a reason why they are so successful and for the most part associate with others just like them and with the same amount of money they have (unless they knew the people before fame.)

If a person from a past record label blows up, don’t expect me to start calling them wanting a piece. I don’t want your pie, because I’ll gladly make my own. I would say congratulations and still stay the hell away from them. If they were pervs before, I still see them as a perv now. Lol.

If I ever become famous, I would stay away from the same people I stay away from now. In another previous article, I talk about why I stay away from people that caused me grief, negativity or harm. I make myself extremely clear, and that won’t change because of money, fame, privilege, or prestige. In other words, if we haven’t been talking, why start now?

#9

I’m social enough to the point where there’s parts of my life that I want to keep private.

I recently made a channel and Tik Tok just for my eating habits, called dinner roll girl. I literally share the meals I eat. And this is accurate of me in day to day life. I can’t always film auditions and day on sets, but me eating is fair game.

I belch like I’m crazy.

I’m a fun going free spirit.

I reveal quite a bit when I write these Medium posts. To the point where it makes people cringe. In my writings, if I please that’s cool but it’s not my goal. It’s my goal to share my experiences.

In real life, I don’t post relationship photos. (If that changes I’ll let you know).

#10.

I think this one is a sign from the universe.

Last week, I saw this wonderful guy that paid off all the student loan debt for medical school students at NYU on 60 mintues.

I like to do the same thing, but something animal related. Since I like animals better than people. Yes I will still do some things for some people. But animals take the cake.

My dog Dijon is a rescue dog, so it’s natural that this is my next step and I look into things.

I’ve seen more animal rescue and ASCAP youtube videos and commericals since saying that I want to create some animal endowment. I told my mother to look up all the veterinarian schools. I want to do something for all of them except for 1 school. (If you read enough, you will figure out which school).

When I see rescue videos, I see myself doing the same thing, and/or getting rid of vet student’s student loan debt.

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