This was technically supposed to be my 12th Medium post. Oh well. As I was posting, I found a whole slew of posts I missed from my 1st blog post. I was trying to honor where I started and whoops. In order to clearly understand, it’s best to read these in this order. It’s almost like reading chapter 4 then jumping to 15 lol. More in likely another mistake will happen. I even tried waking up at 4 am to play catch up haha. These are like a journal of my school life, a period that I really don’t talk about that much in my real world life. Originally, the plan was to save these journal-like entries for a book for my experiences in school. Oh yes, I plan on writing that book at some point in the future with a ton of edits.
Why do I do this to myself. I tag that with my photos with that question.
I don’t do heights well at all. Seeing me at 300+ feet in the air is a hilarious site. Getting on drop rides and roller coasters like that is petrifying to me.
I also get a high and an ecstasy I can’t explain. But I’m facing my fears. If I can face my fears here, I can face my fears in other areas in my life. I happened to pick an extreme way of facing my fears. Why do I do this to myself? For starters, I’m nuts. But seriously, these are the other reasons I don’t post as statuses or tags.
It’s a heavy confidence booster. I notice this is helping me out in auditions. I’m not as nervous in auditions. If nerves do come, If I’m doing my job correctly, I transform them to help me out during my audition. In other words, if I’m focused on playing the character and being in the moment, nothing else matters. I’ve been able to talk my way into auditions, get to know different people in the industry through different auditions. I even asked one time to take the casting directors out to hang out (round on me) regardless of how the audition turned out. I don’t focus on booking so much anymore and the crazy thing is more opportunities are coming my way. Many of you would say wow girl you got guts, but getting on crazy rides and facing my fears helps me approach casting directors as allies, and people I can learn from. Casting directors are human, they are not to be feared.
It’s giving me backbone. I’m standing up for myself like no other. I think I got a person fired from their job. Here’s the story. I was getting on a ride, and he was being extremely rude. Really. He was saying things like “why are you at the fair” and “why are you wearing a bag.” So after getting off, I reported him to guest services and talked to the head. I’m not going to let people treat me or talk to me like that. This is a side of me my friends don’t see that often. I’m not stupid or an idiot like some professors at the college level like to say I am. I do fight back. I just told the bosses if no one says anything he will keep doing it and think that the rude and disrespectful behavior is ok. Maybe he did it to other girls and they were too afraid to say anything. The kind lady did mention to me, he probably thought I was cute and was hitting on me, because your a cutie. I don’t care if he thought I was hottest girl he laid eyes on. That was not cute and I was not at all flattered. I’m not going to let him get away with it. I felt highly insulted. I went back to the ride and I did not see him again. It pays to speak up. I pick my battles and proceed accordingly.
It actually helps me forget everything else going on. It’s hard to
worry about weird college courses, threatening emails, and difficult challenges when you are 300 feet in the air. The ground looks so attractive being that high. In the moments of me facing my fears, it all the worries slip away.
I’ve found a stress reliever. A diamond in a rough. My choices of
calm stress relievers are questionable in nature. These are not
calming, especially when I’m in the air. But then again, all my worries leave my mind. For the times I’m experiencing this adrenaline rush (before, during, and after the ride) I experience a childhood like high. I remember not worrying about the things I worry about now back then. I miss the days of innocence, the days when the future wasn’t so cold, and it seemed like all your dreams can come true. It’s hard to explain, but I temporarily go back to this sub conscience state, especially right after I get off the ride. The catch? I have to get over the fear. If I don’t get on the ride, the feeling is not the same. I will get over it, but it feels so much better if I get my chicken self on the ride because how I feel when I get off of it? I’ll be relieved and super happy.
Now more than ever, I want to get my mind off certain things.
I don’t know where this extreme dare devil and this overwhelming desire to get on scary rides is coming from, but I’m embracing it.
I admit facing my fears is thrilling.
The pictures from these experiences are priceless. They really are.
Facing my fears is helping me be successful. On so many different levels.
There’s a reason why I’m seeing all these success stories.
I was watching Hoda and Katie Lee (ON HODA’s 50th) and Lisa Nichols came on TV. She was saying she was a C student and was kicked out of college due to finances. She was not expected to run a multi-million dollar business. But she is. Check her out yourself. She’s awesome.
I just watched Pharrell Williams on CBS Sunday Morning. He said
he was a C, D student. Look at how successful he is, especially
with his single “Happy.”
I don’t conform to social norms. I used to be that A student in my
younger days when I was brainwashed to think that I’ll be guaranteed success based off a high GPA. (I did get into my first choice unfortunately. Yeah I said unfortunately. That was not a typo. I will say this, I will never regret my college friends, if I had to go through everything to know the people I know now, as painful as it is to live with, I would go through it again. Life would be super shitty without them. I say this every time because I don’t want them thinking that I dislike them bc I dislike college. No no no. I love them. I know I’m weird, and I thank them for loving a weirdo.) Just look at my “You Are All Cordially Invited To My Degree Burning Ceremony” and “My Head Is Not In The Sand” you will understand where I’m coming from. No longer on that ship. Yeah I said it. I take the road less traveled which puts me on my own a lot but I’m happy to stay true to myself. I can sleep peacefully at night knowing I’m myself and I’m not fronting appearances to fit in. Getting on crazy rides and facing my fears on rides gives me the confidence to keep forging on the path I’m going on. It works for me. (I’m not saying anything to most of my family and friends, the only thing I posted about was getting into Actors, Models, and Talent for Christ, the other things I’m working on I’m keeping to myself.)
As far as not being able to get in some of the orgs I wanted to get in? I’ll live that variously through friends. Study Abroad. Dance Groups. BGR. It all would have been nice, but it’s not meant for me. I can keep going for them but I’m not going to stay in college forever (or too much longer period thank God) trying to get in. I’m starting to see difficult times through a different lenses lately. I haven’t won the wars yet, but I’m re-inventing myself and learning what I don’t know. I wanted to get involved and experience things bigger than myself. I wanted to join these things to make myself a
better person. Getting on crazy rides and facing my fears is helping me see the “Why.” I have to believe that there’s a opportunity for me so big that it will make up for everything I missed (after tons of orgs cut me, APO AG, Awakening, Dance Marathon took me. My big 3 after being thrown away so much). I can’t wait until my time comes.
I’m in good company. MJ ended up being one of the best ball players of all time and even he got rejected from his high school basketball team? I was cut from my high school basketball team. My rejection emails from college are so long that “no” is my second name. I listed only a few. If I said them all you would be here all night reading. I won’t put you through that! In addition, facing my fears is giving me the confidence to go other places to seek the information and support I need to get myself to the next level. My first choice=worst choice. I’m not feeling the love right now and I never really did. Support at the beginning would be nice, but I’m crazy for thinking they have it in them to give. (From a customer’s standpoint: how in the hell is it going to benefit them financially supporting my Actors, Models and Talent for Christ campaign? Believe it or not, I look at things from different viewpoints all the time.) It’s true that sometimes that you have to switch teams to be the star player somewhere else. I’ve been surrounding myself with more supportive people. I’m not going to deal with some negative professors personally insulting me; that’s not helping. I need people uplifting me, not tearing me down. (To my inner circle that reads this, watch the shift of people when they think you have something or they see you doing things. Money, fame, fortune, and power changes things and people seem to treat you so much nicer…)
I’m not going to say it’s been easy to deal with many of the situations. It’s no fun going through pain. A current situation is making me go what the hell? However. If having a hard time in college will put me in the place I’m meant to be at, so be it. Bring it.
I saw this quote recently: If you saw the size of the #blessing
coming, you would understand the magnitude of the battle you are
Speaking of that, getting on crazy rides and facing fears helps me deal with awkward situations. Ok, again, read my posts “You Are All Have Been Cordially Invited To My Degree Burning Ceremony” and “My Head Is Not In The Sand.” Again, now taken a peek inside my head, you know I don’t like the place and I have my reasons. (I love my friends). Out of respect for my mom, do go with my mom to events and people are always asking awkward questions.
Do I not make it clear that I don’t want to talk about that period in my life when I go to these things? I directly say it too. Regardless, I know how to handle myself when I go to these things.
I’m not going to eat the shit others settles for. A friend once said it
best. I will keep at it till the day I die. If I’m not successful. I’ll
reincarnate and try again. No angel or tooth fairy is going to come
down and grant my wishes. Facing my fears allows me to have the
courage to pursue my dreams.
I notice also when public figures make mistakes, the media talks about it non stop. Dang.
Ok, it’s obvious that they made a mistake. Is it a ratings thing to
kick someone further in the ground when they are already on the ground? So if I’m a public figure and I have a bad day or a bad moment it’s going to get reported and spread around like wildfire? I understand being in the spotlight you have to watch what you do but at the same time they are human. I’m not perfect and I’m here to say public figure or not, I have done and will do stupid stuff. I’ve asked for forgiveness from my friends. I’m a prankster and dare devil, duh. :) I have more tricks to share, not just on Halloween. Seriously, when you are at your lowest of lows, some people get a thrill of kicking you lower. Sad but true.
Lesson learned. Getting on crazy rides and facing my fears helps
me face the music, and it really opens my eyes to how some people treat you when you are having a hard time. I’m currently in a interesting place with my institution (we already knock heads a lot) bc I’ve had a lot of family emergencies and deaths, especially this past spring 2014 semester. They are being difficult, its a cruel world. I’m a weak person getting what I deserve right? I’m just one of a number, nothing special about me right? Sounds cold, harsh, whatever you want to call it. After some of the treatment I’ve experienced, it’s difficult not to think otherwise. (Again it’s a cutthroat world and it takes a strong person to survive the rat race.) Just a side note, when you have sicknesses and deaths, people don’t care about them like you do. (With all the coverage of depression and mental illness due to Robin William’s passing, sadly, it’s still seen as a joke and something to just get over. I know.)
After all, when I’m 300+ feet in the air, I have no time to be
thinking about all that. I happened to pick the extreme route of
facing my fears, but it works. I’m crazy. I know I’m off my rocker for it. It’s the crazy people who think they can change the world are the ones that usually do. I’m a crazy.
ABC’s I’ve come across recently. This is cool and motivating.
Take the A-and accept the challenge
The B-and believe in ourselves
The C-convert our thoughts into hopes
The D-the determination to convert our hopes into dreams
We should E-expect some obstacles on the way up
And F-fight while we’re faithful and finish the course
We should G-get God on our side
And H-have a Harvey model of leadership
We should I-inspire someone else
And J-take Jesus on our journey
We should K-keep on keeping on
And L-be a leader
We should M-make everyday count
And N-never give up!
We must O-overcome our obstacles
And P-put our best foot forward
We must Q-quit quitting
And R-run the race with patience
We must S-strive on
While T-trusting in The Lord
We should U-use our talents
And V-value our time
We should W-wait for understanding
And X- x-ray our own lifestyles
We should Y-yearn to achieve all that we seek
And Z-be zealous when reaching the top!
(Hello. If this is your first time visiting, welcome! I’m an upcoming actress, singer, and model! I like writing blogs! I speak my mind, so glad you are buckled up for the rides I’ll put you on in my posts. I started writing blogs because I journal, and write songs.) This was my original ending to my blog posts.