Why do people suffer in silence?
Here’s why I kept my mouth shut for years. And I still do. (Response to Quora question).
The strongest oxen are given the greatest burden to carry.
People don’t fake being depressed. They fake being ok. They smile even though they are going through hell. They joke and they make other people laugh even though they are feeling empty inside. They’re always there for you because they don’t want you to suffer the way they been suffering. So please, I’m begging you. Be kind. We have no idea who’s at their breaking point.-Brian M Hamlin
People suffer in silence, not because they enjoy suffering, but because that’s all that life has put in their plates. I have read the answers to this thread, and seen a lot of personal stories. My conclusion is, people are suffering. And they do so in silence because no one cares. If someone tells that he cares, trust you me, it’s just for show. Many people have been to counsellors and regretted later because it ended up disastrously. Sharing your problem is like digging your own grave. When you share your problem: 1. You’ll be the talk of town. 2. The person listening doesn’t care. 3. The person listening is enjoying your suffering. 4. The person listening is not in a position to help. 5. You are becoming a pain in the neck, coz other people have problems too. 6. You are wasting your time, and other people’s time as well… According to what we were taught, a problem shared is half solved. From experience, many people who suffer in silence have realised that a problem solved is doubled. Which is why you either keep it in and hide it in a corner of your heart, or pour it to your dearest diary. After all, if you keep a lively cheer and take good care of yourself, no one will realise you are suffering, thus no one will subject you to public opinions.
- I was in several emotionally abusive, toxic and unsupportive environments from many sides (both grade school and upper ed, more on this below). This is truly one of the earliest experiences where I did not feel safe, and I had to adopt hardness, and suppress my emotions to cope with what was going on around me. I had a lot of friend-enemies, and these people were not trustworthy, letting them see that they effected you, shed a tear or letting them see you sweat was bad. They got a thrill of seeing you suffer. Many times I couldn’t trust and get close to anyone, and felt like no one had my back for years (and sometimes it still feels this way, hey I know the animals got my back at least). I didn’t act black the way they acted black. I liked Dragon Ball Z while they chased boys down. I attended cosplay (I do not dress up like some of my Gen Con friends and Comic Con, lol). These people did not care about me. Instead of giving them the license to make fun of me in an already bad situation, I kept it to myself.
The people who matter most will be there to protect, comfort, or console them. In theory. The people what was supposedly supposed to be there was the enemies. This happened a lot.
Inadvertently learned that they have to take care of themselves because no one has their back. I inadvertently learned that I have to take care of myself because no one had my back. And it has happened multiple times in my life, and while I wasn’t happy or necessarily prepared for it, I saw it before.
Anxiety due to their inability to seek comfort from others. Can I point out that the people in the situation(s) were the main source of the pain. Seeking comfort from them was like shaking hands with the devils. They were not good people or good friends. It’s better to get it on your own, than seek it (support, comfort, your needs) from bad people.
Life has taught them to believe that their voice isn’t likely to be heard, anyway. They solve the issues by removing themselves from the situation. Is someone hanging up on you and not returning phone calls when you need help supportive? No. Is them stabbing you in the back the minute you leave the room and pretending to be a friend in your face good? Hell no! You have to know the difference between giving up and knowing when you have enough. When something is out of your control and no matter what you do, it’s not going to work out and it’s time for a change. Sometimes, the damage is beyond repair, and it’s best to cut your losses and walk from the situation (s). I’m going to tell you, cutting lies with some things I’ve loved for years is one of the best things I’ve ever done. If something is not serving you, why keep beating yourself up, revisiting the places, retriggering and keep bringing back those bad memories, and keep trying to make it work with situations and people that’s not working? Sometimes holding on is more damaging than letting go.
Who don’t believe their needs will ever be met. they lose trust in their environment or circumstances. Attachment styles develop in infancy and early childhood as involuntary biological behaviors that help us stay safe. After a certain period of their needs not being met. Feeling unsafe or unprotected. They are more easily able to disconnect from people and circumstances.
No one acknowledges the effects that childhood trauma or trauma generally speaking has on you, nor do they care. Especially the people that dished it out don’t care, and people underestimate the PTSD that can come from your friends (in my case female) friends betraying you.
Expressing pain drives people away (unless you are very lucky to be surrounded by people who care AND are willing to help).
Many don’t care.
Many can’t care.
Many pretend to care but don’t.
Putting on a brave front is considered these days like a desirable badge of honour: you have emotional IQ, you are resilient, you control your emotions, you don’t create negativity around you (BIG BIG positive in our individualistic society).
This ‘brave front’ will get you job interviews, possibly a job, at least some people to ‘hang out’ with…
Sustainable it is not. But it hardens you towards the inevitable loneliness we all have to face towards the end of our lives. I see it as training.-Jude Ryan
2. Expressing pain does drive people away. Many don’t care, and many pretend but don’t care. I’ve noticed throughout the years when I was going through painful and awful periods, people naturally distanced themselves from me, but rallied around other people instead. I was the only person who had my back so I did the best I could with the deck I was given.
As the saying goes, “when you tell your problems to people, most of them are happy you have these problems and the rest just don’t care”.
It is no new observation that among kids when they raise tantrums and are given what they want they make it a habit to always do that to get what they desire and when they don’t get results they eventually quit such a habit.
Thus after lots and lots of occasions when you voice out your problems and get no tangible response from the people close to you, the next best option is to keep to yourself and suffer in silence.
3. Some people are happy that you have problems.
We on the other hand have the court of public opinion to deal with. It seems the less money you have the more people feel entitled to talk about you. Our only defense against this gossip was to be stoic and to hide our suffering and our pain.
In order to do this we had to learn to control our emotions. When everyone else is angry we will remain calm. When everyone else is scared we will be logical. When everyone else is happy we will be observant. When everyone is suffering we will swallow our suffering and move on through the pain.
Being stoic has served me well in this life. I am a good negotiator because when my whole team is reeling from an insulting offer, I can remain calm and think logically. In a crisis I can put suffering and fear aside and continue to work. My face has few wrinkles because my emotions are hidden inside.-Nancy Olsen
4. I had no choice but to take the stoic route too. I got plenty of gray hairs.
Because it’s easier than explaining my suffering.
I have suffered from depression for years. Initially when I tried to share it, it came off as being dramatic and attention-seeking to others.
So, after a while, I learnt to not talk about it.
I perfected my facade, I can fool everyone around me now. Close friends, parents.I put on a show of being cheerful. I can cheer up others with just my smile. I enjoy it.
And for a moment there, I feel like I am finally happy.
Just for a moment.
I desperately try to keep the facade to repeat that feeling.
It is so much easier to keep doing this than try to explain and make others feel bad.
5. It’s easier to stay stoic/silent than explain. Too many people have lied on me over the years, and everyone believed everyone else but me on too many occasions. It wasn’t me trying to be attention seeking or make it about me, I was trying to reach out for help or advice at the right time. They made it seem like I was making it about me when I was just reaching out for help or trying to get something off my chest. If asking for help is this complicated, fuck it. I also don’t want to burden or make people feel bad by mistake. Too many times I was made to believe that my feelings didn’t matter, and I had to stay Teflon tough. This is why my protective barrier is hard to crack.
The number one reason why people never want to seek help from others is because of pride and fear of the thought of others seeing you as incapable. 2. Fear of reaction of people. Some people suffer in silence and struggle to handle their own problems because they fear how people may react to what their problem is 3. Lack of someone to turn to. Other people do not suffer in silence because they choose to but because of lack of someone to talk to or get help from. 4. Trust issues.-Lie Saeroen
6. I’ve gotten burned too many times being vulnerable. If they don’t know your weaknesses and vulnerabilities , they can’t use it against you. The consequences and punishment I faced for opening up and trusting in my opinion was diabolical. I lost scholarships, a way of life, friends, all because I opened up, and maybe maybe this time I can trust someone, as so I thought. Maybe. I ended up getting yet more examples on why I shouldn’t trust easily. After that I made a vow to not lose myself in these ways again or trust in the same way again. People reacted alright, and it made it worst. It was bad and embarrassing. To deal with exhaustion, pain, grief, burnout, medical issues, and racism at the same time is no joke. I hope no one has to juggle any of that at the same time.
Okay. I’ll play.
Suffering loudly causes friends to take the sufferer to the emergency room where they eventually get opiate pain killers and put the sufferer on the road to addiction, who then spends all their savings on narcotics, ending up living under a bridge and eating cast off donuts from the dumpster.-Robert Esposito
There’ an old joke from “You don’t have to be Jewish”
Sufferer; Oy! Am I thirsty. (count to five) OY! Am I thirsty! (five count) OY! AM I THIRSTY!!
Helper; Here! A glass of water. Drink the water! (Sufferer drinks, then says)
Sufferer; OY!….was I thirsty!
better to suffer in silence.
7. It’s sometimes better to suffer in silence. If you are happy and warm in a pile of shit don’t change.
Sometimes when you try to share your suffering (especially with family), they blow you off and may tell you to essentially “suck it up”. So you do. And eventually you may find someone who will listen, and there is freedom in that.-Loren Stiles
8. I was also told to toughen up many times by immediate family members especially throughout the years.
I feel like people mostly do that because they feel like they’d burden other people if they shared what’s bothering them. -Cam
9. If I see that you are happy or busy with your life, I’m not going to burden you. There’s a right time and place to discuss things, but I will not burden.
I suffer from depression, anxiety and eating disorder. I told couples of people but they don’t seem to care. Everyone has their own problem already I guess.
I don’t want to be the person who whine about the same old problems all the time. I believe it drags people down and might even drive them away.
So I decided to shut up.
10. I also decide that most of the time, it’s best for me to shut up also.
To close oneself off from others, by not sharing in the human condition, is like not acknowledging a part of one’s own humanity. While many of us, especially Westerners, would like to see ourselves as independent, self reliant, and capable persons, we dismiss the truth of what the human condition proves: the need for interdependence.-Tzvi Schnee
Because sometimes when you need to talk about it and you do people tell you that you’re too sensitive, get over it and stop talking about it..making you feel worse.-Evelyn Carrillo
Sometimes it’s hard to talk to people about what is bothering one. I know I am one of those. But one has to be careful because keeping things inside can sometimes lead to mental illness.- Hugh Miller
Not everyone chooses that because they want to. Some are forced into it because every time they tried to try to get help, the people they were supposed to trust either ignored them, lied to them, ridiculed them until they felt like there was no hope for any help. Why ask for help when people have proven they’ll just disappoint you and hurt you more? -MJ Painter
11. Too many times I have asked for help and got hurt. And they made the situation worse. When I did open up? I got burned, and I thought of it later, I probably shouldn’t have said anything at all.
And can I point out that being around a group of unsupportive and hateful people can also lead to mental illness? Or people that treat you differently because you don’t do things the way they think you’re supposed to be doing them? I’ve ran through many circles of people throughout the years and they were not great friends. And kick my ass down. Some schools that I loved and was supposed to trust ridiculed and retaliated and made the situation 100% worst.
If this is what helps feels like and looks like, I have and continued to ask for help as little as possible (bare minimum). A lot of times I prefer to not ask for help at all.
Sometimes they don’t want their affairs known to. everyone.
Don’t want people to know they are suffering,
Definitely don’t want to go to hospital.. Don’t like hospitals or Doctors or needles or knives.. And so may say “never trust a doctor!! “ so that they project their fear onto.the doctor making it a question of his reliability instead of their fear. .
Don’t want to be seen to be weak.
Or appear vulnerable
But also often want to get over something by themselves.
Or they just would like to forget it happened.
Or can’t deal with the pain of facing off with it.
Or don’t want others to know they are needy or suffering the effects of poverty (“i am quite capable thank you, of taking care of myself “) but then every person has a bit of pride. And want a positive self image, whereas admitting neediness means acknowledging a need based dependancy that makes you subservient to others. .
12. I needed to go to the hospital because I had an medical emergency. (This was the start of my tumor life, a never told story)
The family member yelled and made me feel like my health issue was my fault.
The best way I could describe it? I felt like I was being stabbed and hit with a razor blade at the same time.
To have a family member scream at you while you are going through this pain, while you don’t know what’s happening to you (or not knowing if you are gonna live) is the worst.
I don’t know about you, but when someone is in pain, I want to be a support person for them and tell them everything is going to be ok. Not tell them why did they ask me for help and I should have approached someone else. Matter of fact I want to be the love I never received.
Ironically, they say you can reach out. But when I actually do? I’m put through hula hoops, changes, and made to feel like a burden.
I don’t know what your family situation is like, but people in my immediate family don’t look out for each other like we should. (Us cousins talk about this all the time, and if the siblings get mad at each other we will be sticking together. I love ya, but with 12, 13 personalities hitting it off I will keep my distance.)
If it blows down to it, if I need a ride and I don’t have a car, I’ll walk to my destination. (This has been a little interesting because during medical issues, you are not supposed to drive at all).
I have faced harsh and cruel consequences for trusting. The people who say I can come to them for something makes me feel guilty or give me the third degree. They make me feel like I have no one to turn to.
I’m made to feel like I’m a burden to the people I’m supposed to be able to turn to the most. Asking for help in my immediate family is like committing a crime.
In this instance, it’s better to suffer in silence, than to ask for the help that they say they want to give publicly, but realistically they don’t want to.
A cousin asked me why so many of us in the family is close off. I have some theories on this, re-read this.
Cause I feel like a burden on everyone I love. Nothing but a worthless ball of stress and unhappiness..
13. I understand that. I’m not the one to rain on anyone’s parade.
I can feel that you’ve been struggling right now…
With all that the world is going through, I know that you feel that you can’t talk about your personal problems.
Many of us feel this way, but that isn’t always healthy, Alesha.
Archangel N. shows up in your life when you need that extra strength to push through a period of suffering.
It isn’t healthy. But opening up to some people I know is a death wish.
When talking about it, you lose people and friends.
14. Sadly yes, people are shitty. Not everyone is a friend or trustworthy. There’s so many people that get enjoyment out of seeing others suffer.
Sometimes, I would share a small lil micro secret just to see if I could trust them. Too many times they would keep their distance or tell everyone.
Because humans are pack animals, they have a part of their brain that are called mirror neurons. Mirror neurons can not tell the difference between other people and themselves.
It’s the reason i can show you how to hit a hammer with a nail for the first time, and just by watching me, you can mimic the action. It’s why they use models to sell you products, because a part of the brain sees that model as themselves. It’s why attractive people have more friends, and get promoted faster. It is one of the most manipulated parts of the psyche in sales or marketing.
It’s also why helping someone makes you feel so good. Giving a homeless man a dollar, opening a door for someone, spoiling a child rotten. When one person gives another a message, the benefits of the massage is experienced by both people such as lowered blood pressure, relaxation ect.
If you want to feel good, and be happy, make someone else happy in any way. Charitable people are happier.
Now on to your question…….. people who love to watch others suffer still have mirror neurons. They see themselves as the ones being punished. They absolutely hate themselves.
(Dave Keevis Why are there so many people who get enjoyment out of seeing others suffer?)
True inner peace, calmness, quietness, stillness and balance, can only be achieved in the inner Silence! It is only when an Individual develops enough courage and commitment to want to ‘feel out’ for themselves the essence of inner Silence which demands total ‘self-surrender’ to the essence of their own inner being-ness, that one can experience this natural state of Inner Silence! The reason many people never achieve this state, is that in ignorance, they have allowed their mind and emotions to totally dominate their lives! Remember, YOU create your thoughts and emotions, and other thoughts you feel attuned to, that have been adopted as your own! Your thoughts didn’t create you as a human being, a much greater intelligence did this! In the Silence, you become intensely aware that YOU are the creator and controller of all your thoughts and feelings and always have been, and not ‘the other way round’!- Derrick Reither
Yes.
Silence is the source of life, and is the cure for diseases. There is an old Sanskrit proverb that says, “Distortion is the root of speech.” The moment you start speaking, you have distorted. Words cannot capture existence, but silence can.
You might have noticed when people are angry, they keep silent. Either they shout a lot, and after shouting they become silent. Or when you are sad you say, “Leave me alone.” You keep a long face and keep silent.
You can easily make out whether someone is in the right mind or not. If they are very silent, then you know something wrong. If you are sad, you go and become silent.
People put their head down and they keep silent. And if you are ashamed, you become silent. And if you are wise, you become silent. And when you are confronted with ignorance and useless questions, you become silent.-
16. Sometimes, mediating has been a better solution than people. Sometimes I’ve slept on something overnight and found my own solutions.
Airplane mode is the best invention that they came up with on a cell phone. I spent time in nature without the drama.
Have you ever tried to talk to a friend about something, something oh so important to you and they immediately dismiss you? With phrases like, “oh, I’m sure that you’re just making things up.” “No way did that happen.”?
That’s why the anxious and the depressed suffer in silence.
That’s why we need counselling, or special therapeutic sessions to help us reconcile with these feelings.
I remember going up to my mother one day in the past and telling her about my depression.
“No son, you’re probably just over thinking it.”
It could’ve been true. But why be so quick to judge?
We don’t suffer in silence because we want to. It’s just that it’s easier, because we don’t have to worry so much about how others would invalidate how we feel.
Not only invalidate, but say things such as
“You should be grateful for what you have.”
“Other’s have it so much worst than you.”
“You should just smile more.”
Are there times I wish I felt more comfortable with asking for help? You bet. After a lot of my life experiences, I’m slow to soften my hardened shell and not as trusting.
I have a couple of conditions that affect my quality of life, and one time I told a cousin, and they were like, oh that’s not a big deal, you can work through that. It is a big deal when it affects your ability to go to work, school, or be a productive member of society. They don’t understand it, so it’s no use in explaining it. I’m to the point where I don’t tell anyone how painful the days are anymore. I let people think what they want to.
And talk as much as they want to. Being called lazy, unmotivated and all sorts of names is the norm.
Stop going to that place. Going to a place where you are not accepted. You keep going around people who don’t even like you and who don’t want to see you grow and elevating your life baby. You don’t belong in that place. The place where you are not welcome wholeheartedly. Well, when you walk out of the place, they down talking you. They laughing at you and they steady stabbing you in the back. This place here you don’t belong. You have to separate you among those who don’t mean you no good yet, you had to be shown who’s for you and who’s not for you. See the people that surround you are only temporarily baby. You gotta understand you’re very different, you was always the black sheep of the family. You’re the chosen one to be mindful. -AprilCochran91
I’m the girl who’s always there when you need a friend. But I am also the girl who faces many things in life on her own. But I’ll still do anything to make somebody smile. And make sure that they’re ok. -Stephaniea2121
One day, they are going to wish they treated you better. Sometimes, people push you aside because they don’t understand your value. They don’t understand what you bring to the table. And it’s sad to say, a lot of people don’t understand that until it’s too late/gone. Right now, they are treating you this way because they feel like you won’t become something. -churchlife7
I used to be afraid of losing people, until I realized, they weren’t down for me anyways. Even though my loyalty for them ran deep, they couldn’t care less. So I stepped back. And watched them lose me. Growth.-Creating wonders
I’m here to remind you, to not let the smile blind you. The people that you see lifting other people up have often been victims of trauma and drama, so desperate and dark, that they learn to be a light. The illumination that you see is drawn from a place of pain and misery. That their heart has been broken and they’ve lost and they’ve found. And now they try with all their might that others may not experience the same plight they lift and they encourage. They bless and they care because someone has destroyed them, but they rose again. And now they live in the air among us and they breathe and they live and they laugh. And they love. And it’s all from a place of darkness and pain. And so when you see others smiling just know it came from the rain. But now they have everything they need because they learn when they are cut. They heal when they bleed.-vikingtower.
You know that girl. The one whose been through so much but still standing strong. The girl whose gone through so much trauma and pain but always smiling and has the biggest heart. The girl that loves with everything in her heart because she knows the pain of how it feels to be unnoticed, unloved. That girl who will always be your biggest supporter and listen to your problems. Even though not many are there to listen to hers. That girl is me.-craziemomof3boys2girls
You help with so many people, but when you need help you feel like no one cares (and they actually show they don’t care). You walk around with a smile on your face because you don’t want people to see the hurt and the isolation you are feeling. -
Experiencing childhood trauma has effects that last far beyond a singular traumatic event. When children experience trauma in early childhood, the effects of that trauma can last for years after the trauma has occurred. In severe cases, the effects of childhood trauma can last for the rest of their adult lives.
I didn’t stop checking in on you because I stopped caring. I stopped checking up on you because you showed no effort. And stop checking up on me. I cared too much. You didn’t care enough.
17. I’ve known over the years they wasn’t down and they didn’t care about me. Some people do not care about the damage that they cause other people.
I’ve lost many friends along the way, and found that people haven’t been supportive of me over the years. They were great friends to other people, but they wasn’t a great friend to me. In many ways, I was loyal to them in ways they wasn’t loyal to me. The reason why I chose to suffer in silence in these instances because they caused more harm than good, they wasn’t down with me. They were not great friends to me. How I felt didn’t matter. They didn’t care and they showed it.
So I stopped caring. I stopped being loyal to people that isn’t loyal to me. They wasn’t afraid to lose me, so I stopped being afraid to lose them. I cold turkey just stopped. I stopped going to people and places that didn’t want to or didn’t have the capacity to give support and love. I was looking for warmth, support, safety and love in people and places where it never existed. I lived in la la land. I looked for a lot, because I was willing to give a lot.
It is better not to need acceptance and love from others at all. If you don’t need something, it doesn’t hurt when you don’t get it. If you don’t live for people’s acceptance, you won’t care about being accepted/rejected/fitting in and what not. I don’t even WANT to be accepted or loved by others (Here’s another way of putting it: I no longer look for it like a thirsted crazed animal, but hey if love is shown I definitely show it back). I’m not all that crazy about bringing attention to myself. And being the only child that enjoys solitude, it works.
As a black woman, I’ve noticed that we are expected to be everything to everyone, be there for everyone, and “be strong.” How many of you have listened to others, but there’s no one to listen to you? This happens all the time for me.
I said enough of this. As painful as it was, I let go of many things I loved over the years. It’s like I’m a whole new person, with some of the old parts of me still in there; I stripped away my religion, some schools, some old organizations, and people who sided with everyone else but me. It’s like I’ve stepped into a whole new realm, and people are still trying to square the old me with the new me.
Now I’m called selfish more often nowadays, and I’m ok with this. I’m still a giver to a certain extent. Nowadays, I do not look for happiness in people, places and things (of course people can add to your happiness, but I look from within first). I like to call it: if you are not looking for it, you don’t miss it. If you don’t live for people’s acceptance, you won’t care about being accepted/rejected/fitting in and what not.
I’m still a giver to a certain extent. I do keep secrets, and be a listening ears to others even though it’s not always returned. But I’m especially careful with who I extend that love out to.
If fear of intimacy is negatively impacting your life, the first step is to understand that they aren’t your fault and give yourself some grace.
Don’t blame yourself. You didn’t have any choice of over your circumstances as a child, and you didn’t ask to be traumatized.
You have zero accountability over what happened to you.
While well intentioned, listening to other people’s advice too many times led me off the predestined path without even realizing it, and at this point it’s too late to go back and change it. This is why I listen to myself more nowadays, and take the good advice and leave most of it.
I know it was out of my control, but what’s within my control is not putting myself in the situations. If I see similar toxic situations being displayed, I don’t have to be stupid about it and just walk in front of a train wreck. I do not have to let people walk all over me either.
Is it worth it to get lied on in court for trusting the wrong people?
18. It is not.
It’s interesting, young people want friends so badly that they are putting blinders on when they see red flags. Or not seeing a situation for what it is.
When people walk out of your life, do not force them to stay.
If you are the odd one in your friend circle(s), and you find that no matter what you do, you don’t fit in, don’t fight the feeling or force something that isn’t there. Maybe they are not your people, as much as you want them to be.
It’s not the healthiest to keep all of that inside you.
But is it worth it to shell out tens of thousands of dollars because someone you think you could trust at one time turned their back on you?
Is it worth it going to a school that you thought was one thing and it was completely different?
In my opinion. No.
You can’t make people like or care about you.
The reason why I choose to suffer in silence because trusting the wrong people and schools has been costly.
When people pass away in my life, I no longer post on Facebook (just a few trusted people sometimes, it’s so many people that my feed would be a depressing one because of all the people.) Stories have been the best thing they created, it’s gone after 24 hours.
19. A point worth repeating to hone it in. This is where the bluntness of me really comes out.
Let’s just say someone is happy as hell. They got it going on. They got money in the bank, healthy, abundant, and happy.
Do you really think they want a debbie downer to come into their life and bring them down with negative energy?
No.
As humans, we tend to avoid other people’s pain. When I talk to families who’ve lost a loved one, they often tell me of feelings of abandonment by friends who wonder when they’ll “get over it.” People who were extremely supportive during the funeral and for a couple weeks afterward begin to slowly fade away and even avoid them. In his book, A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis wrote about this experience after his wife died:
“An odd by-product of my loss is that I’m aware of being an embarrassment to everyone I meet. At work, at the club, in the street, I see people, as they approach me, trying to make up their minds whether they’ll ‘say something about it’ or not. I hate it if they do, and if they don’t. Some funk it altogether … I like best the well brought-up young men, almost boys, who walk up to me as if I were a dentist, turn very red, get it over, and then edge away to the bar as quickly as they decently can. Perhaps the bereaved ought to be isolated in special settlements like lepers.”
That is the human response to pain: we avoid it. We avoid our pain, we avoid others’ pain.-https://faithmag.com/why-do-bad-things-happen-good-people-0
Unless they really care about you, most people do not want to be bothered with you when you are going through things.
I’ve found in many instances people keep their distance. People are busy with their own lives and don’t care. Maybe it’s the fact is that most people are too wrapped up in their own lives to recognize when someone they know is feeling isolated or unwanted.
On the other hand, if you got problems and they got problems. By trying to take on your problems, they maybe afraid of taking on too much. No one wants to be brought down more than they already are. Especially when they just got through going through a rough spot/rut and bounce back? Then you come along and try to pull them back in that place.
Sometimes the people that you want to care about you don’t.
20. If they do care….to finally finish off.
I personally don’t think it’s fair to project my pain on anyone. In school especially, the reason why I chose to suffer in silence because I didn’t (and still don’t) want to rain on anyone’s parade. My friends that I still talk to from the other side still don’t know about some of this to this day. The powers at be did not care about me, and I was facing 4 to 6 battles coming at me in different directions.
I went to several schools that wanted to say and pretend that they care, but it was half-hearted and for show. I was younger at the time, and had no idea how to deal with losing my first friend at 19. And to keep watching friends and family pass away.
When I received financial aid/scholarships for school, I didn’t think about all the strings and repercussions it came with. If I get out of this alive, I will never trust anyone with my finances like this ever again. I do not see financial aid and scholarships the same way. “We are doing this dumb black kid a favor.” It always felt like they were holding something over my head. The guilt, shame and damn embarrassment.
I spent years in my childhood believing a school that I cared for would care for me in the same way, I call it living in la la land. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that happiness should not be based around a person or thing (or place). This place didn’t add to my happiness, it did the opposite: it did a great job of destroying my self-esteem and confidence while experiencing grief, racism, sexism, trauma and pain at the same time. It’s really hard to see the place like I once did, and while I do have some good memories with my friends, I’m guarding my heart and keeping my distance.
The reason why I decided to suffer in silence? Because asking for help too many times has led to too many let downs, embarrassment, shame, and making the situation worst. Help shouldn’t be that painful, but in my case too many times it has.
21. And yes to being your own friend.
It’s funny you brought that up.
I looked in the mirror and said we are the only person we got. You know those people that you do so much for quote, make that person yourself quote? That’s been a gamechanger.
I do not want to need, rely or depend on people like I used to in my younger years.
The situations that caused the most devastating pain and destruction was from so called friends, and people that made me think I could trust them. This has happened to me too many times.
Excuse my French (and some of you say I’m hard on myself, but at this point I don’t care and I just keep it for real with you), but I would literally be a fucking idiot to put myself in the depending position of putting my destiny/trusting/happiness whatnot in someone else’s hands again.
Nowadays, I come prepared despite what people do. I would be an epic fail at trust walls and trust trails. I do trust sometimes, but that takes a while, and most people don’t get to the inner circle point.
we didn’t plan to become closed off to the world, but a lot of us were taught that it’s safer to go through difficult seasons alone than to risk being vulnerable with the wrong people.
we learned this lesson the hard way — we asked for help, only to be judged and ridiculed. we poured into people who never truly appreciated us. we didn’t just stumble, we fell flat on our faces — because there was no shoulder left to lean on. we looked around for our support system and saw an empty room.
and as much as we don’t want to hold onto these parts of our stories, how could we ever forget how that felt?
healing is a difficult, frightening process. some days, we feel light. we can feel ourselves letting go of situations that used to trigger us. other days, we feel the weight of every burden that we’ve ever carried bearing down on our shoulders and our spirits. it’s heavy.
we wake up one day and decide that it’s better to be numb than to risk falling off of another emotional cliff. we decide to run from our feelings for another day, because it’s the only way we know how to keep moving. we decide that we’re better off pretending that everything is ok, even when it’s not.
and this is valid. we can’t snap our fingers and become the people we were before the trauma. we can’t pretend to be okay until we are okay. healing takes work. we need a lot of time, space, and grace to walk the path towards restoration and uncompromising self-acceptance. healing isn’t a destination, it’s a lifelong process — and i think we’ll all be better off acknowledging how hard it really is, while choosing to believe that it’s worth the effort.
[tweet screenshot; tweet by michell reads: “sending love to everyone who is carrying their burdens in silence. sending love to everyone who wants to be heard but is afraid to speak. sending love to everyone who’s ever felt alone in a room full of people.”]- Mitchell C. Clark
I don’t get to get to tell people how to love me. I get to see how they love, and choose if I want to participate. And I can’t make people do right by me, but I can decide how often I choose to let them do me wrong.
I wasn’t always closed off. But after the experiences at the other place in question (and when I was younger)? It’s definitely the case. At the core, I have never felt safe for a long time since middle school, my sense of safety shattered because I simply couldn’t trust the people around me, and I had to fend for myself; my experiences literally altered my view of the world.
I asked for help on more than one occasion, to only be punished and made to feel worst. Many situations taught me that no one got me. It was better to suffer in silence, than to keep asking people that didn’t care and never cared in the first place. I fell down a lot, and was kicked down further by the administration.
Straight up, the people and organizations I cared for the most and poured the most into? Would not show up for me in the same way they showed up for others. Gave others a chance for deeper friendship than they gave me.
When you are down really bad, you find out who’s in your corner. The people I did the most for did not bat an eye for me, or even answer the phone (again, I want to point out that I do not do things to get things back, I just want to know if you have my back and a lot of times it wasn’t the case). People treat you based on how much they value you, and I did not want to see the cold hard truth. The friendships I wanted from them didn’t exist. Just because I saw them as friends doesn’t mean they saw me in the same way. I was someone for them to use and throw away like garbage at their very convenience.
I basically told myself if I make it out of this alive, I will never trust in the same way or be this fucking naïve and this much of an idiot again. I will never trust anyone with my finances this way ever again. I will pull myself up so high I will not need people like this ever again. (In the interest of not making this longer than it already is, this and a few bad breakups, and just other situations made me adopt protective love patterns.)
The reason why I voluntarily choose to still suffer in silence because I was taught and have plenty of examples that tell me that it’s safer to go through difficult seasons alone than to risk being vulnerable with the wrong people. Do I risk telling this person something knowing they could run around telling people at any moment? Or do I keep it to myself? Or tell the cats? I learned this the hard way. In my younger years, my so called classmates ganged up on me and bullied the crap out of me. My so called best friend(s), the people I was supposed to be safe with backstabbed me and turned everyone against me. Teachers allowed the behavior to happen to get back at my mom for not acting the way a black person to help. I asked for help from my up-ed school while dealing with the deaths of my friends, racism, and health issues just to get scholarships taken away and to be treated like garbage. I asked for help and to attempt to trust someone, just to be made fun of, talked about and lied on in court several times. I poured my heart into organizations that could give two f***s about me, only to see that they were hanging out and building closer bonds, without giving our friendship a chance (i.e. I was a token, there to say that they had a black friend publicly but when they hung out with their other white friends I did not exist). Throughout many times in my life, when I looked for support, there was no one.
we learned this lesson the hard way — we asked for help, only to be judged and ridiculed. we poured into people who never truly appreciated us. we didn’t just stumble, we fell flat on our faces — because there was no shoulder left to lean on. we looked around for our support system and saw an empty room.
References:
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