Why Friends Support Other Friends Except You
Here’s how I handled two groups that I didn’t mesh with.
Picture. © 2017 Florentina Georgescu, Getty Images
Hope you like the clickbait. People like this shouldn’t be called friends.
In the “Are some people "meant" to be alone” Quora question, here’s a response from Vidul.
Let me tell you a short story.
There was once a banyan tree, and like every banyan tree it was massive and durable and thriving with life.
The banyan tree however did not have other trees around. Probably because the amount of nutrients it took from the soil and it's ground coverage was also huge to allow any other tree to grow in it's vicinity.
Despite the absence of other tress the banyan tree still found company in the birds and animals and insects that made their home in and around it. It was never ever alone at any given time. So in the end it didn't really matter how many trees were near it.
Now there are quite a few lessons to be learnt from this:
1. Often we find ourselves thinking we are alone because we do not get the kind of company we want. But we do not realize that there is a world beyond our want that can keep us happy.
2. Your presence may be too dominating for a group of people to have you around. The good news is they are not the only group existing.
3. Sometimes things or hobbies can be a better companion than an animate object. Explore yourself.
4. You may have a different personality which requires more attention or attention in a different way.
5. You just may not have met "your people" yet.
As an outsider (because I don’t go along with cultural norms) and only child, I would say I do a descent job on making friends. I do like my alone time and plan on being single for life (more on that in a later article or vlog,).
Food For Thought
- Do you find that others side with everyone else in class except you?
- Do you find that people make an extra effort to kick you down?
In grade school, I was (and still am cultured). I was light-skinned long hair. Girls saw me as threatening. Guys wanted a piece.
Because they were jealous, I didn’t see most people in this period of my life as friends. Just because you have history doesn’t mean you are friends. Part of friendship is trust.
On the other hand, they used to always wonder what I was up to, and tried to keep up, like a sick twisted admiration.
They were not my people.
When you find your people, it’s easy and effortless.
Insider Tip:
A. They are not the only group in the world. I always have friends outside of any organization I join. That way, people can’t be influenced by other opinions in a “clique” situation and opinions can be unbiased, honest and unpersuaded. They might appear to be a dominant or only group because they are in your day to day life, but they are not the only group.
- Do they wish everyone else a happy birthday except you?
- You not in the group? Meaning you don’t get the invite to weddings or outings.
- Are you the first to get removed from Facebook? But they stay friends with mutual friends? Even if these friends confess to you that even they don’t stay in touch with them that much?
I put a lot of time into APO. And interestingly enough post school quite a few of them stopped talking with me completely. These are the same people I’m supposed to say “may we always be” to?
When I dropped and didn’t get my paddle, I’m thinking it was the best decision. I’m currently inactive and don’t plan on reactivating anytime soon. That includes putting donation money elsewhere.
In my next article, I talk about why I dropped out completely and I tie in some thoughts based on the heated climate we find ourselves in.
On an individual basis, some of them will talk to me and hang out.
As I was reaching out to people to ask them how they were doing during this pandemic, I noticed that many of them removed me from Facebook but still remained friends with our mutual friends.
As a mutual friend told me:
- Some of it probably is jealously. Unless they are really secure people, some people just hate to see you do better. Some people don’t see you on the same level anymore and are afraid of getting left behind by you.
- I always found it interesting that I supported them in their school successes but they hesitate to support me in my real life successes. I’ve always congratulate people on their successes. When a friend always try to compete or one up you, you have to wonder if they are your friend or not.
I notice that I would see this one girl out at bars, and when she was with her group, I didn’t exist. I was trying to say hello once and one of the guys in the group said “hey get lost." If a friend was by themselves and I saw them out and about at bars, I would invite them to join us. If they wanted to come, they are more than welcome. I do it all the time in LA and NYC. If they didn’t want to join, that’s their choice, but I would extend the gesture.
I ran into a former brother at Indy Rev and Friends Of Riley. You can tell my former old master didn’t want to be bothered. I reached out to reconnect recently at the time. I knew where she worked because she told me outside Windsor at grab & go. (I got the texts to prove it, and generally to deliver things you don’t have to have the exact floor, they just need a cell phone number and building.)
I remember seeing that another old friend sent flowers to her workplace, so I followed suit.
Remember when I do nice things it’s weird to people in this APO group; when others do nice things it’s kind and thoughtful.
I guess that being nice isn’t appreciated by some nowadays. Especially in that friend group.
FYI:
- I’m not expecting to be close to everyone in every organization I join. If we click, we click. If we don’t, we don’t. I don’t force it.
- I notice alot of people are so afraid to be alone, that they will tolerate bad friends to have friends. I rather be by myself than have a bad crowd.
- I notice when I did nice things for people in this group, they didn’t appreciate it, saw it as wierd or blocked me off completely. Yet people in the same group did something nice, it was so sweet. My non apoers like my congratulatory notes, flowers and so on. I gave out graduation gifts and some of them complained. I only do it sparingly.
- I do think cultural differences do play a role. If you know me, I don’t pick friends based on skin color. I think subconsciously some of them don’t want non-white friends, and that’s their choice (and their loss)! It’s not what they say it’s what they do. Maybe I debunk some of their stereotypes, prejudices and cultural norms and it makes them too uncomfortable to hang around me. I’m everything they don’t expect me to be and some people can’t handle the heat. Hell I would embrace someone’s differences but everyone is not this way. Some people’s upbringing and inner biases doesn’t allow them to have an open mind.
- My ownership in all this? I do admit I’m not too trusting of people. The same girl who blocked me reached out to me in 2014 because I said a tweet that I was the worst PT ever. Like I said above, she was my old master aka pledge helper at the time. She said I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I didn’t want to exactly discuss how my friends’ suicide and how professors racially profiling me was affecting me at the time with anyone, because I’m careful who I share information with, friend or not. Some people use your information to spread rumors and gossip on you. Others are happy to see bad things happen to you.
20% don’t care and 80% are glad you have them. Sounds about right.
Crockett from Chicago Med made a good point when Natalie found out about his kid’s death. People can and do start to see you and treat you differently when they know you went through a trauma.
People can be cruel, and sometimes the less they know about you the better off you are.
I wanted to make sure she wasn’t the gossip queen or backstabbing sort so I hesitated. After you been burned you learn the hard way to be careful with people. And since she ended up blocking me off, I’m not sure if I wanted her keeping sensitive information like that. She and many others took that way too personally in my opinion; I don’t have to share anything I’m not comfortable with sharing, and they don’t have to share anything with me if they don’t want to. Wtf if up with people taking that so personally anyways? I understand vulnerability is a big part of friendship but I don’t have to tell you suckers everything! Did they tell me everything? No!
- My ownership in all this? I sometimes don’t think forming bonds is worth the effort, especially if I sense that the people isn’t a good batch of apples. No one is perfect. If I sense you a trouble making gossip queen, I’ll hesitate. I read this from a recent medium post and it’s perfect.
The difference between me and this quote. I definitely live my life, but with a lot less people. Sometimes none at all. I’m not suggesting I go through life not trusting anyone, I’m just careful who I reveal information to.
Conclusion?
I find that I have to be flexible.
I have ran with many party groups over the years.
People come and go. Sometimes you drift apart.
Some people I’m closer with. When I’m in their town or when they are in mine I make it a point to see them.
Years can go by, and I can pick up the phone with a few true blues. And call them and we pick up right where we left off with others.
I’ve been reaching out to people during this pandemic and reconnected with people I haven’t talked to in years.
I reinvent myself and meet people as much as possible. When one group doesn’t want to party because their husbands/wives don’t want them going out that weekend, I hit up another group (and I do keep several groups on retainer because some of them have dropped on me before).
September 2020 Additions:
- Be your own favorite person first.
- If you feel like you don’t have friends, the universe always has your back and the only person that you need is yourself. Be your own best friend and people will gravitate towards you.
- As with anything in life, don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Have more than one group of friends. I’ve seen too many situations where one person turned a whole group against another person, some deserved some undeserved. Then that person doesn’t have zero friends.
- Sometimes you don’t click with people, or you don’t do the same things that they do (gossip, smoke, play poker etc). Sometimes fitting in means compromising who you are (Josh Tam has a perfect example of this). It’s cool to try new interests, but don’t change who you are for anyone to please people. If they don’t like you for you keep it moving.
Done with September 2020 additions.
Here’s some other great answers I found on Quora.
Kirana PM, studied Visual Communications at Universitas Pembangunan Jaya
Originally Answered: Are some people just meant to be alone?
Are some people just meant to be alone (loner)?
I might meant to be a thirdwheeler.
I tend to fear rejection, hence I was too afraid to even approach a classmate seated next to me. I used to never say no because I couldn’t make others feel the bitterness.
I’m prone to mistakes. I was terribly sloppy and still am. Whenever I say something or done wrong it would stubbornly linger in my mind I couldn’t sleep. A little mistake did a lot of embarrassment. This often deepen the shyness.
I never felt really fit in with my close friends—they always have something they keep for themselves before I pointed.
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Miriam Hartmann, studied at Warren Central High School (2018)
It’s possible that you are introverted, and just get more energy from being alone as opposed to being with other people. Which is totally fine, so long as you pace yourself.
Instead of forcing yourself to go to parties or public spaces, try arranging meet-ups with only one or two people you already know. In this case, you would start with your girlfriend.
Start with something simple. Offer to grab a hot drink or take a walk. Sports work, as long as they’re not so strenuous that they leave you gasping for air. Movies are good, too, as long as it’s not in a theater where the no-chit-chat rule is s…..
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Josh Knight, Pokemon Trainer (1999-present)
Originally Answered: Are some people just meant to be alone?
We are at a weird time in relationships since dating apps like Tinder, CMB, okCupid, etc.
Lots of sensory overload with an embedded idea that we can just scroll and click through people until we find the one, but then a better one, and a better one.
I don’t think you are the only one asking yourself this. I think a lot of millenials are asking what happened, as technology has created an apparent disconnect in human interaction.
Ofcourse there is also certain factors that make it easier to develop relationships without much effort like having an attractive appearance, money, outgoing personality,….
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Originally Answered: Do you think some people are meant to be alone & If so why?
It's one thing being alone, enjoying yourself in the safe haven of your solitude, pursuing your passions and hobbies, furthering your education, working for your dreams or just relaxing, meditating, taking care of your well being. Each day that passes I grow fonder and fonder of this time spent just being with myself. Peacefully and quietly.
In that sense I truly do believe we are ALL meant to be alone for extended periods of time, even the most extroverted and outgoing of us. We'd be wise to de-clutter our lives and drop so many distractions. Devote our energies to the one worthwhile pursuit:
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Are some people "meant" to be alone?
[Sometimes I’m surprised by what I’m willing to share, but I’m hoping that I can help someone with my answers.]
Are some people meant to be alone?
I think some are and I am one of them.
This isn’t what I wished to be like, but it might be better for me if I am.
I’ve run across some rather wise, compassionate people and it’s fascinating that each time they’ve looked at me with a mixture of caution and compassion, where they were tempted to offer friendship but they knew me better than I knew myself. When I like someone, I generally push away unintentionally. I’ve….
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