According to this Huff post, it ask the question: why do you want to be in a relationship?
If you ask people why they want a relationship, many will say things like:
- I want someone to love me and make me feel special and worthy.
- I don’t want to be alone and lonely anymore.
- I want to have children.
- I want to feel safe and secure.
What they might not say outright is that they want a relationship to:
- Fill the empty place within them.
- Complete them. They hope that their partner will give them what they are not giving to themselves and what they might not have received as children.
- Make them feel taken care of emotionally, financially and/or sexually.
Why be in a relationship if not to be loved, cherished, made to feel special, safe and secure? What’s the point of a relationship if not to fill me, take away my loneliness and make me feel okay about myself, according to Margaret Paul.
If you read my Huff post, you know I hate it when a relative says I would be a cute wife for someone. I hate that people define me based on having a boyfriend or not. “Girl you are so cute, you got a guy?” I HATE THAT SHIT, like being single is the worst thing in the world. It’s not. I enjoy being single thank you very much. You might think I’m against marriage or relationships after reading that. No I am not. I wouldn’t date if I hated relationships. What I’m against is people defining my whole life over having a guy. Thinking that someone will automatically add happiness to my life. I resent that people think that being in a relationship just for the sake of being in one is ok, regardless if it’s healthy or not. I’m ok with talking with friends who I’ve known awhile, but a complete stranger dipping? I’m not a fan.
Just because everyone one else is in a relationship doesn’t mean I should be in a relationship. Someone just announced their marriage on Facebook, does that mean I should rush down the aisle to keep up with what everyone else is doing? Pressure never has and never will work with me.
Food For Thought: Do you or are you in a relationship because:
A: I want to fit in and say that I have a relationship like everyone else. I want to comply with society. Most of my friends have boyfriends and girlfriends and they hang out without me. I feel left out. I feel pressure from all the Facebook statuses. I don’t want to be lonely at night anymore and I need someone to cuddle with. Being single is the saddest thing that a person can be.
B: I want to learn and grow with someone who also wants to learn and grow. I have a lot of love to give and I want to share it with a partner, who also has a lot of love to give.
Rather than needing a partner to complete us, we desire to share our completeness with our partner. When two people come together to get love rather than to learn, heal and share love, there is a strong possibility that their relationship won’t last. With both partners trying to get loved and filled by the other, and neither one having learned to love and fill themselves, each will ultimately be disappointed. Very often, one or both might believe they’ve picked the wrong partner.-Margaret Paul
Reasons Why The Boy Exists (And Why All The Reasons Why I Was Told To Get In A Relationship Growing Up Was WRONG).
- I want to share my love, I’m not necessarily in a relationship to get love. (Of course, there is romantic love in the relationship but let me finish the point). I cannot share what I don’t have, which is self-love is more important than anything. By having self-love, I can share love. I find my self love through my life purposes/passions: acting, modeling, music, writing, etc. By having my own life, it makes me a better person for my partner. No, I won’t be trying to go on his “All Boys” trips to Vegas because more in likely, I will take an “All Girls” trip to Atlantic City haha. It annoys the hell out of me when people say “he can complete your world.” Since when can one person truly be my everything? It’s one thing to say that he’s apart of my world, but no one person completes my world. He’s not going to make my acting career happen because I’m in a relationship with him. I MAKE IT HAPPEN on my own my showing up for the audition and putting in the work. Does that make sense?
- The Romantic Letters Are Nice, But It’s So Much More Than That Valentine’s Day comes around every year, and do you notice that there’s extra pressure to be in a relationship (or being single is lame?) What about loving yourself year around so when Valentine’s comes around, it doesn’t matter if you are single or not? It’s nice to get the candy, flowers and chocolate from that special someone. There’s a Pentatonix song that explains it perfectly (and I actually did a cover to it). Kissin’ in the moonlight, Movies on a late night. Gettin’ old I’ve been there, done that. Supposed to be hot. But it’s just cold.
- By Practicing Self-Reliance, I Can Be Cuddly and Lovey Dovey. We all want to be loved by the people we love and care about, correct? So do I. We believe that it’s selfish to depend on yourself and been beaten with the belief that too much independence is horrible but it’s not. When you’re self-reliant, you can enrich the lives of the people around you much more. Losing ourselves and our identities means we can no longer be the lovable person we want to be. How can you love someone else when you don’t know who you are? A great article that I read kept screaming this: Let’s look at how self-reliant you are. Do you expect your romantic partner to make you happy?Do you think your friends should always be there for you? Do you find it difficult to be alone? In life, we always turn outwardly for everything: Happiness, advice, affection, love, approval. It’s much better to rely on yourself. Not in a selfish way. But in an emotional way. You don’t need others to be happy. I’m not suggesting that other people can’t add happiness to your life. But what I am saying is when you stop looking for love and happiness outside of yourself all the time, you will find that you can truly rely on yourself and that will help you to love others.
- Self-Care Makes You Better At Loving. As ladies, we have been taught by society to be sacrificial lambs. We have a tendency to take care of everyone but ourselves, then get a guilt trip and called selfish when we have our daily self-regimes. This article explains why as ladies, we need to take care of ourselves first (or the picture below says me too instead of first). When you start to self-care and you haven’t been doing it, you can find resistance from your loved ones. By taking care of yourself as described in Caterina Kostoula’s article, you can be a better mother, wife, colleague, daughter and friend when you take care of yourself. The ability to love more increases when you are happy. She also recommended reading Brene Brown’s book ‘The Gifts of Imperfection. So no, I don’t feel guilty when I’m doing Insanity or P90x. I don’t feel bad when I pursue my passions. Ladies, don’t neglect yourself for no one. I watched women that sacrificed for others around them, neglected their personal needs, and the people around them took them for granted. Don’t do it.
5. When you’re needy, you only damage your relationships in the long- term. You would be amazed at how many relatives I know won’t learn how to drive or buy a home because they don’t have a husband. They won’t hang out with friends because they consider their husband their ONLY FRIEND. When their husband is away, they will become depressed and will wait around in a dark room until they come back. I want to say so bad “What in the hell are you waiting for and why don’t you have outside interests?” Growing up it was the norm to show that without a man in your life, you are nothing. Since when is another person responsible for my self worth?
6. I really don’t want no one to save me. I want someone to be by my side as I save myself. For example, none of my friends were at my surgery, but the messages I received throughout the months meant a lot. I’m not asking a relationship or my friends to fix my problems. For example, they can’t bring my friends who passed away back. But being there means the world.
7. Personal growth. I won’t lie. I’ve been told that I can be pretty cold (because I’m really blunt, have you noticed from reading a few of my blog posts?). By being in a relationship, it can help me learn, heal and grow in vulnerability. I’ve had several untrustworthy people in different chapters in my life so trusting people is not easy for me. Believe it or not, being in a relationship can improve your ability to love.
8. Emotional connection is very important to me. I’ve had many guys attempt a drive through sex fling with their pick-up lines. You don’t know me or what my favorite color is, yet you want to bang me until you see next morning’s sunset? Don’t think so. I’ve always looked for championship with someone who I feel deeply connected with.
9. “If you don’t have a boyfriend or husband, you will be lonely your whole life. You’re biological time clock is ticking; All your friends are getting married and you will be the last one to get married. You won’t have a husband to take care of you, you will be in empty house by yourself in a few years if you don’t hurry up! You are too cute to be single, as there are plenty of guys out here for you to choose from.
Bla Bla Bla. Bla Bla Bla. Bla Bla Bla. Bla Bla Bla. Bla Bla Bla. This is what I heard growing up and it’s completely off target and CLUTTER.
Guess what. Since I found my life purposes, I’m actually ok if I’m the last of all my friend groups to get married and have kids. I go to weddings all the time, and I do not question where I am in my life. I believe things will happen in it’s own time for me IF I WANT THEM TO. Since people tried to pressure me all my life to get married, I’m not even sure if I want to. If everyone is jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge, should I join the festivities just because without question? While peer pressure to follow the crowd works on many, I’m more into taking my time and getting to know someone. More in likely, I won’t be one of these people that will marry someone after dating someone for only 6 months. Being single is not bad, there’s actually science that backs up the claim. Check out that post here. If you are interested in reading a book, check out Bella DePaulo’s Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After. Research contradicts just about every negative stereotype about single people. So people, the negative stereotypes are all propaganda to get you to conform!
There is another story. The story of a woman who did it her way, who felt whole at every life stage. Who inspired other women and men to do the same. Who never settled, even when they told her she was digging her own grave. The story of a woman that knew that she can only give herself love, she can only break her own heart, and she can only rise up and love again. The story of a woman that trusted in the wisdom that life threw on her path, and knew that nothing lasts. -Jessica Semaan (by the way, she has a genius post on Why do you want to be in a relationship? that really resonated with me)
Hello! I’m Alesha! I’m a musician, actress, entrepreneur and writer and recent hospital patient (I still can’t believe that is real). Follow on Twitter. If you like what I’m writing, give me a heart and share! :) I like hearts. Let me know what you want me to write! Click here!