Yep, so it happened again. A topic or two popped in my feed from the various groups again and I was asked to respond to it.
*Warning. My bluntness is off the chain in this. If you think you can handle, welcome. If not, maybe this ain’t for you.
Idk why this bothers me but it drives me crazy when women only describe themselves as moms. Like that’s wonderful but is that who you are? I see on so many people’s profiles and stuff “boy mom” or stuff like that and nothing else. Like no shit, all you post is your kid. I always wanna ask who are you outside of being a mom? Idk but seeing that being a mom takes over your entire identity just makes me even less interested in having kids
Same here. I have such a fulfilled life, that one of my top 5 fears is somehow that being a wife and mother will pull the attention away from everything else, because it’s what I was made for and supposed to do, right?
- Responses* (If you want me to add names, ladies I can)
I do have a few close friends who have talked with me about struggling with keeping/losing their identity as a person beyond motherhood because it’s so consuming. Sadly, I think it’s one of those things where people buy into the cutesy culture because that’s easier and feels better than the honest truth that society doesn’t tend to support women in being full people.
I feel like this is the argument that career women have when they say they are so much more than their job. I think the problem is we get used to describing ourselves based on the one thing that consumes the most of our time. Whether it be an office job, a high-powered career, volunteer work, or motherhood.
Men (mainly white men) are allowed to exist as whole people. I think others, especially women, feel like they have to define themselves as ‘career woman,’ ‘mother,’ or ‘working mother’ when many are SO MUCH MORE than all of them.
I think at least some of these moms truly don’t care about anything other than BEING a mom though which is fine for them. And maybe some just embrace it because it’s all consuming and they can’t do anything else because they’re exhausted? It makes having conversations with parents so hard too…
I can barely talk to my sister because she no longer has an identity outside of being a mother
It is because women historically didn’t have a place in the society or an identity of their own. So, defining themselves based on what they do the majority of time is comforting. Be it motherhood, career, caregiver etc. Maybe it is me, but I don’t think I have ever heard of a man describing themselves as a caregiver even when they care for their elderly parents etc. We are taught from an early age to put ourselves in boxes. It is sad but I don’t see this exclusively in motherhood. To put it simply, society is excellent at making women feel like they have to be of service in order to exist. (SO DEEP BUT DAYUM SO TRUE).
I do find it odd but I am okay with it/not weirded out by it for a couple reasons.
1. If you spend most of your time being a mother, then of course that is a lot of your identity. Weird choice, but they would find my choices weird. So whatevs.
2. Being a good parent is hard and people, especially mothers, do not have the support they need. Of course that takes over their identity. I just hope they find themselves again. Or whatever they want.
Along with a lot of the above answers of women having motherhood shoved down their throat since childhood and being raised in a society that generally doesn’t value us outside our ability to provide our husbands an heir to the family name. I also see it a lot as women feeling the need to over explain why they need something, as in a women explaining that she is looking for a one piece swimsuit option recommendation because she just had a baby and isn’t yet comfortable with a bikini. You can just ask for a one piece swimsuit recommendation, full stop. Women DO NOT need to justify our needs, we are allowed to want things without having to explain ourselves. Ask for what you want/need without some “qualifying” reason. You are allowed to be a person who takes up space on this planet.
A quick pause here: Here’s three recommended reads!
Yes, People Want Independent Women to Get Hurt.
I’ve been living as a digital nomad for almost five years now. I only take jobs I can do remotely, and after a year of…
I could come up with so many more like this. Modern parent I could keep going for days, My Husband Is Useless and Does Nothing, But Who Takes Care Of Me, Why Moms Never Sleep, I Don’t Want To Be A Mom Anymore, 10 Things I Wish I Knew Before Becoming A Mother, Why Mothers Isn’t As Happy As Fathers, Stop Rushing Me, My Husband Doesn’t Get It, Why You Seemed To Get Overwhelmed With Motherhood, Motherhood Is One Neverending Monday, Why Are So Many Fathers Terrible, 10 Self-Care Things To Do Before The Baby Arrives, I care but I can’t sympathize, The More You Give, The More They Take , The Modern Burden Of Parenting, My Husband Wants Me To Work,
Some of the most honest, transparent and open articles I’ve seen in my life is on Modern Parent. Do I believe quite a few people are happy with their lives. Yes. But life ain’t perfect, shit happens. Thank you Modern Parent for giving me the real deal, instead of the social media posts that I usually see of the perfect family life on my personal Facebook. These articles give me the real deal instead of fronting appearances and what they want the world to see. I’m a person that likes to see beyond the social media posts. What is really up?
The quotes I could get from those first three articles alone would be enough to make my articles an whole hour. The others I underlined? More hours.
On top of being in groups like that where I feel like people understand me and my energy, these are the type of statuses I connect with.
My chosen identities that I chose for myself, not what the world wanted for me.
I did martial arts when I was 8, and now I’m in a Kung Fu-Jui Jujitsu hybrid.
I’ve been working out for over 23 years at this point, seeing abs at age 15 for the first time after taking up track. I’ve maintained some sort of workout regime my whole young life. In July 2021, I placed in the top 10 for my first ever fitness competition (Ms. Health and Fitness).
I’m booking more now than I ever have in my life to put it simply. I’ve gotten so many callbacks, auditions and direct feedback from casting directors it’s insane. I’m on a name basis with quite a few of them, and I love just getting to know them as people, booking or not.
Currently on the hunt for more income streams. Always on the hunt.
I eat like a pig. See my Tik Tok dinnerrollgirl for more deets.
I love seeing the world.
I actually placed in a tournament and considered for a long time being an e-gamer.
Is anyone still playing old school videos like I am (Nintendo 64, Gamecube, etc?) When I play video games, it takes me back, like the time machine I never had. It’s 2021, but when I play, I go back to 1999–2001 era automatically without question.
I write straight to the point blunt articles.
Andddddd I’m not interested in giving these up. And I’m not going to ever.
Why are we out here consistently choosing to support our partners and our relationships over our life dreams and careers when men would never and rarely do the same? You rarely see men staying behind to stay with their girlfriends or not taking up certain opportunities because it could change or break the relationship. It is not our faults as it is how society has trained us to be- that we must give up everything we truly want in order to support the man, but come ON we have to start living for ourselves and not our relationships. I am in a loving relationship with the man of my dreams but I know in my mind that my life goal is to live and teach abroad in Costa Rica while his dream is to live in a big city in the US, like Atlanta. I enjoy the time with him now as much as I can but when the time comes when our futures separate into different pathways, we will either figure it out or we won’t. But options do NOT include giving up on my dreams. Women have been taught to make men and relationships their whole lives or value them over their own personal identity, goals and dreams while men have been taught to always consider themselves and their goals and careers first, using these social roles to their advantage as they know women often drop everything to support them. I know this is a lot but I am only 21 years old and it makes me SICK to my stomach to see women (my age especially) so consistently dropping everything they dream of in life in order to feed into their male partners dreams. We have to start changing the way we are. -The wokest 21 year old I’ve met in a while, holy moly. (If you run for office, I’m voting for you sis.)
Why Mom’s Self Care Is So Important To Me Personally.
However, women are just as likely to have a sad childhood, yet somehow they rise to the parenting challenge, while the man drifts off into a video game; there’s definitely more cultural permission for men to dump their share of the work on a woman than other way around.-Mia Miller
#1. You are expected to be everything to everyone 24/7 days a week. And mend to everyone around you without question.
“Women are a balancing act. Don’t eat too much, don’t eat too little. Don’t be fat, don’t be too skinny. God do you ever stop eating? Woah do you ever eat? The not-so-well-concealed looks of disgust, the not-so-well-concealed looks of concern. Don’t be loud. Don’t be quiet. Have a voice in society, leave the talking to the big boys. You want something, speak up! No, no, when it’s your turn, sweetie. Ugh, she never shuts up, it’s obnoxious. Have you ever heard her talk? I don’t even know what her voice sounds like. Make sure your skirt is long enough, but not too long. Don’t make yourself too available, but you don’t want to look like a grandma. Show off what you got, but if you do it’s your fault if anything happens. Was your skirt long enough? How is any boy going to look at you if you wear that? Have sex, but stay innocent. Give us what we want, but we hate sluts. Virgins are so sweet. What do you mean you want to stay abstinent until marriage? Do you even live in our society? Life without sex is boring. Life with sex is disgusting. God, have you seen her? She’s banged every guy in the school. God, have you seen her? Still a virgin at her age. Be smart, but not too smart. Boys like a smarter girl. Boys can’t stand it when you know more than them. Play dumb. Ugh, not that dumb, god, weren’t you even listening? They like a smarter girl. No, no, now you just look like a nerd. Girls don’t belong in the classroom, they have to take care of the kids. You want a well-paying job? Take some incentive and study. You can’t slack off because you’re a girl. Do what you love, but don’t. Be yourself, unless it goes against what we say. Do you love to do your hair and makeup? Great, you’re good to go. Approved. Do you love videogames and guns? You’re faking it. You’re lying. You’re pretending. You’re wrong.”
✍️ — BigSisterElsa // Tumblr
#2. No matter how they divide up work, mom, you usually end up doing more. And many of times you end up bringing home the money ANDD doing mommy duties as soon as you get home from work.
I wrote out an itemized bill for everything I did including housework, childcare and so forth. ALL of the unpaid hours. I also included all the unpaid work he did. What we found is that I did was more than he could afford to pay me.
The lack of appreciation and value put on unpaid work is wholly unfair. If we look at it in economical terms you are future-proofing and building capital just being a mom. AND you are doing this while future-proofing and working towards your career prospects. There is a tradition of men placing value on paid work far above the unpaid mothering work because of the almighty dollar measurement. It’s not right and something we have to fight to change.-Bronte White
Dads, I know some of you out there are good and really do try to do your fair share. Some of you are single parents. I see you.
But. I really want to love on moms in this male oriented society. Most of my posts are team mom and team women. I’ve had experiences of women being cut throat and jealous towards me and I want this to be a loving and supportive space. I want to be the complete opposite of that, and be the love I never received.
Most of the time women will compromise and make all of the sacrifices need but men rarely will. Men usually forget that a woman stood by their side and struggle with them to make their careers come to life. Then when its the woman’s turn to educate and create her career the man’s too busy or she doesn’t get the same support.-Faith, Commenter On Why Marriage Is Not For Me
“But Alesha it’s really not that way, you can still keep your life with kids."
“Kids are not death sentences, they are not a detriment to dreams.”
“Being pregnant is not that bad”
“It’s within God’s timing when you have kids”
“But relationships are give and take. You both bring different things to the table.”
Not convinced after having some honest heart to heart conversations. And lord don’t get me started on the conversations we have in the childfree groups I’m in. If you think this article is cold blooded, you should see some of the posts in there. F*** I wouldn’t mess.with.those.self confident and self assured women. If you do you on your own. I cannot help you lol.
Maybe there’s some women out there that likes pregnancy, I’m clearly not one of them.
It’s within my timing to stay out of precarious situations where unexpected pregnancies could happen. I told y’all I don’t want kids. This is my response to a religious lady’s thoughts when I told her I don’t want kids haha. Even she fell to the floor laughing because she realizes that I’m a b**** that knows what I want. I told my mom if she wants grandkids, at this point I suggest adopting a few kids and trying again, because at this point, no. How about some grandplants and grand cats and dogs?
But here’s the thing though, if I’m not emotionally, physically, financially and psychologically ready for kids either, it does me no good to put myself in that spot. I think through my decisions, and if this is gonna potentially lead to that, I avoid that shit like the plague. In other words, if I don’t want anything happening, I avoid hotel rooms with guys by myself.
My response to the last one is below. Please start with *marriage isn’t my end game. And then after reading through that, continue on until you read the hot topics. The conversations in my childfree groups are worst than some of the topics I write on Medium (which is probably why we get along so well).
Just being brutally honest like I always am.
#3. I personally don’t want to put my needs last, but moms you do it without question, at the detriment of your self care and health.
A lot of men think they are doing women a favor by asking for her hand in marriage, but let’s think about this :
she changes her name,
changes her home,
leaves her family,
moves in with you,
builds a home with you,
gets pregnant for you,
pregnancy changes her body,
she gets fat,
almost gives up in the labor room due to the unbearable pains of child birth,
even the kids she delivers bear your name.
Till the day she dies…everything she does, (cooking, cleaning your house, taking care of your parents,bringing up your children, earning, advising you, ensuring you can be relaxed, maintaining all family relations, everything that benefit you…..sometimes at the cost of her own health , hobbies and beauty.
so who is really doing whom a favor?
Dear men appreciate the women in your lives always, coz it is not easy to be a woman.
*Being a woman is priceless*
As a single lady who plan on staying out of the mix and the lion’s den (yeah I went there), if me not having kids/unable to have them means a mom out there can get some self care, that’s fine by me. Then after taking care of you, I can go back to my home (in my peace and quiet with my dog) and recuperate. And repeat the process. If it takes a village to raise a child, I in addition want to be a support for as many moms in my life as possible.
I think it’s so brave that you are able to be vulnerable to love and be loved. I had some experiences in my life that makes me a lot less trusting of people, but I think moms go unappreciated way too much, and there’s too much mom shaming.
Everyone has their own parenting styles and how they do things. Could we stop being vicious towards each other (parent or not) and trying to bite each other’s heads off, even if their way of parenting is different from yours? Geeezzzzz. This judgement like the Wild Wild West is one I want to stay out of. I think it would be helpful for us to all be more open-minded and realize things aren’t always black, white or even grey lol. Be more accepting of others beliefs and views, even if they don’t align with your own. And even if you don’t agree, don’t force your views on others, just a thought.
And just off record, marriage is not my end game. I notice too many guys out here think they are doing women a favor when they marry them. Not this one. I’m not out here desperately looking or running around with my head cut off like a chicken. I never got into a relationship out of desperation or time running out, and I don’t chase. I do not open up easily unless I can trust you (true Gemini here). Because I don’t want kids, I’m not worried about or could give two shits about a biological time clock.
If I change my mind, I’ll let you know. Doubt it. I have more of a mothering instinct towards animals. Not only do they give you unconditional love, they don’t stab you in the back lol. And they are a great keeper or secrets. I’ve told them things and it wasn’t spread around to anyone.
#4. If you want to keep mom and wife as your main identity, do. It’s ultimately your decision.
But I secretly hope you are still taking care of yourself and making time for your interests. You have needs and wants that need to be met. You are still human despite.
#5. I wrote this to say, moms, I see you!
I’m currently being as supportive as I can of all my friends that recently became moms, gonna become moms and so forth. I’ve read more childbirth/child care courses now than I have in my life.
I am not around like I want to be in some instances due to my filming, auditioning, music and business schedules, but I’m a phone call or plane ride away.
And friends, if you had your kids been 2010 to 2016, sorry, I was in the midst of financial and medical things throughout those years. And I was in at a school at the time that was draining my spirit and ripped my a*** apart. Being stupid, naive and vulnerable ruined me financially. And when I did break through in 2016, I got sick and needed surgery. It’s only in 2021 that I’ve been able to send out care packages to expecting friends. So if it appears I’m taking care of others more than you my friends, I’ll make it up to you in some sort of way.
#6. Postpartum depression and suicide is a thing.
I lost plenty of friends to suicide and I would do anything to have them back. I take this very personally. It changed how I see life forever. There’s the me before tragedy and the me after tragedy. I will fight tooth and nail if I have to for mom’s mental health out here. As more of my friends become moms for the first time and into that next phrase, I will fight that much harder.
#7. It Always Rains Hardest On People That Deserve The Sun
Women are born with great intuition, gut instincts, and power. Society tries hard to sever and damage this tie. Women are told what to want, told what to need, how to be, influenced to be this way not that way, conditioned to be this way not that way, support this instead of that, bring evidence on why you should be this way and not that way, try to rationale it, explain it away. Deep down women know what they need, and this world is set up/designed to sever that connection to the truth. -The wokest man I’ve ever met in my life.
That is the wokest man I’ve ever met in my life.
Mom’s you deserve the world, and many times you take the hits, falls and the blame no one sees.
There’s nothing like
- Having someone care for you
- Helping you watch what you eat
Because there’s no monetary gain to it, too many people take it for granted and assume this is what women are supposed to do (after all, we are the natural nurturers;)
I had a mom friend confess to me that when her kids was born, her family and her mom forgot about her completely and all their effort goes to her kids, she feels invisible and unimportant.
You’re not invisible, and I hope this helps you feel seen.
#9. Not Sure What To Name This.
I don’t think it’s mean to be this way, but we live in a male oriented society that makes you seem weird and selfish if you don’t have kids or not being of service to someone else. Like you’re supposed to give up your life to someone else (i.e. stereotypes of being a woman).
You don’t have a life outside your kids, but your kids do have a life outside of you once they get older.
For example, recently a family member was trying to get in touch because they wanted me to help care give for another person. Mom gave me a warning shot. Why didn’t they hit up the males? Because being a single lady, they assume I’m not doing anything, and they don’t respect my time or me as a person. And they assume me being younger, I would put up less resistance and bully me into the role. As a woman, I’m supposed to be of a service and the sacrifice; caregiving and being a mom/wife is what they see my worth in. It’s bad how too many people still think this way. I’m not a caregiver. Simply horrible at it.
*Hot Hot Topics That Came Up* Fire Hot.
This came up in the group and in conversations: Motherhood is more defined role because you naturally do more and your involved more (get pregnant, childbirth, day to day child care activities, usually unless you hire a nanny). It’s usually defined by a male oriented society.
Fatherhood don’t define fathers the same way it define mothers; do they call men old maids or when they decide not to have children? Sometimes. Usually women are dinged WAY MORE for saying no to traditional roles/won’t conform. You’re seen as being selfish.
One size doesn’t fit all though.
***I do know one case where the lady has her own, and if she wants to go to Japan for the weekend just because, she can. If she wants to go to the Virgin Island for two weeks with her girlfriends, she can without hesitation. She has enough money to hire a nanny for her kid. Money is no object, and that’s one case where she’s kept her identity outside of being a mom. I’m pretty sure there’s more cases out here like this. (If you know of any please private note me, please.)***
*Another HOT Fire Topic that came up* some of it is too damn rogue to post. Holy s***.
Have you noticed that married men are uber successful, and marriage takes a lot out of a woman? Men talk about the financial part a lot, but do they think about how much they take from a woman when they ask her to marry? They don’t because they think it’s what you supposed to do as a woman. And they don’t look at what you’re doing everyday. (See Womanera quote for details for a reference).
Are you supposed to put in work to make the relationship work, yes. Even if this means going to marriage counseling before and throughout the marriage? Sure. Are you supposed to count who’s doing what? And counting tick for tack? No, but if you are the teammate that does more a lot of the heavy work why would you want to jump in that pool? Ideally it’s 50/50, but it’s usually 80/20 with us ladies carrying the weight a good portion of the time. And it’s gets really interesting when you as the woman is the breadwinner bringing in more money.
- I admit if I love someone I would be willing to do anything to make them happy. I have done nice things for people not looking for anything in return. My big thing is I’ve gotten burned too many times for being nice and open. And love led to some painful and cruel consequences. If it doesn’t lead to a catastrophic and devastating pain and I’m able to keep my outside interests I could meet a guy half way. Don’t tell nobody this. I gotta continue with my guarded b**** reputation. Stayed guarded until 3099 and then some. Anywho, continue madam.
True, if you have to keep discussing who does more, marriage ain’t for you (more in likely). In many instances women supposed to be nice and deal. And don’t put their foot down and say no enough. But if you are like a woman in this group that speaks up and a battle axe that’s not gonna tolerate it, well. Then.
Go ahead and be who you want to be despite, and you won’t have to explain yourself to anyone. Be true to who you are and true to yourself.
#9 Bonus. Here’s what I’ve been submitting to a couple of childfree blogs. Enjoy. (Not meant to be cold but it might come off some as cold-blooded, been hanging around my child free ladies for a bit).
“Learn to give yourself what you need, that way when you walk in a situation it helps people, add energy and gives to the people and situation there instead of looking to take away/looking to get yours.”-The wokest man I’ve met in my life.
#1. I’m an actress, musician and entrepreneur. I don’t think I would be able to go from audition to audition, LA to NYC and every city in-between filming gig to gig if I had children. During a commercial shoot recently, I received two more offers for auditions and accepted another project right on the spot, with that gig having a 5:30 am call time. Do you realistically think I could travel like that with children at home? Why hire a nanny and if you are not around, what’s the point in having kids. And the potential guilt trips, mommy shame is cruel and vicious! No matter how it’s divided up, mothers in my opinion still get stuck with most of the day to day child care responsibilities. After all, you do more bringing them into the world also (https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11199-017-0841-0). As an outsider looking in, I don’t want to give up my freedom, be tied down, or look back at my life resenting or regretting kids, AND being everything to everyone. I see way too many women give up their self care for everyone else, and that’s why I decided to be a supportive auntie to the “moms” in my life instead and offer free baby sitting. Being a mother is a thankless job, and it’s many years of no sleep and even more years of full financial support for a human who might not always be very grateful for it. I don’t think I would be a great mom, I think I’m a better mom to animals! An unexpected pregnancy would be my worst nightmare.
#2. I never revealed this publicly until recently. But I have, a very painful excruciating, condition. Only one friend knows. Because I don’t look sick, people think you are just being lazy and don’t want to work. Not true! Trying to guilt and shame you into motivation isn’t the way. The very first time a flare up happened, I was working out. I was knocked out in bone-crushing pain. It felt like I was being stabbed with a knife, shot and crushed at the same time. Another way I can describe it is a heated baseball bat with thorns beating down on my stomach like a saw. I had surgery, and to this day, I feel this scar tissue on the side of my body. Not sure if I can have a kid. And I don’t want to pass this to my kid(s). I have my good days and not so good days. I really have to make the good days count. If I have children and have a flare up, it would be VERY bad because my body would be in so much pain that I wouldn’t be able to do anything. It hits with no prior warning. Surgeries are VERY expensive. Between trying to pay for childcare and any potential surgeries I would be forever digging myself out of a hole and downward spirals.
And due to people not understanding, they are quick to judge, call you lazy, unmotivated, stupid and every other name under the sun. They have no earthly idea what the pain is like. They try to shame and guilt you into doing things. Nor do they care to understand because it doesn’t happen to them.
#3. Pregnancy and childbirth horrifies me and I think the women who go through it is so brave and godly. To me, bringing new life into the world hits on the spiritual realm. I’m very concerned about diastasis recti. I’m in the best shape of my life working out with Insanity, P90x and every hard and challenging workout I can get my hands on. I’ve had abs, muscles and endurance my whole adult life. Entering fitness competitions and martial arts tournaments this is important for me to keep up and maintain. With “it" aka invisible illness always lurking and waiting to beat me and my insides up, I really got to make the good days count. I would hate to throw away 20+ years of a fitness regime and future potential earnings for pregnancy knowing that I may not get my pre-baby body back. I’ve had honest conversations with women who had kids and quite a few of them said their bodies was never the same after having kids and that they miss their pre-baby bodies. (I feel like would hate my life and feel like a beached whale despite any confidence boosters my loved ones around me would tell me. There’s no one on this earth that could pay me enough to get pregnant at this point. A guy proposed that when I was 22 and I ran for the hills. No way in hell, bye Felicia).
#4. When I was around 18, (long story cut short) I trusted the wrong people and it scorched my soul and wrecked my finances in school and outside of it for a long time. Instead of trusting other people to my destiny I should have trusted myself. I believed the lie that someone was going to save me, and I should have known all along to save myself. When I stay up at night, it’s not me thinking about being a future mother. It’s me figuring out how to build my own wealth. How to make more income streams. What businesses can I create that can solve a problem. and so forth. I’m not looking for recognition, I want peace and prosperity. I’m so happy that my friends and family have husbands/wives that they can love, trust to take care of them. I love that they have each other. But I don’t trust anyone, kids even, to truly take care of me like that. There’s no guarantee that my kids would take care of me when I got older. I don’t want to bring kids into a world that can be dirty, chew you up and spit you out dog eat dog world. It isn’t all sun shines and rainbows!
#5. I’m a fun auntie. See my description for more details.
I’m Alesha! I love to eat. I’m a huge foodie. I’m literally the person that takes pictures of food, and puts them on all my social media. I didn’t realize that my mating call needed to be improved until I discovered Urban Coal House pizza in New Jersey, United States. Me and my relationship with donuts, cookies, chicken, bread and cake with whipped topping is pretty solid, they don’t know about each other, so just keep my secret, ok!?! My most solid relationship is the one with the refrigerator, it’s beautiful on the inside and out. :D Me and my refrigerator decided to spend our old days together in Ecuador. I also love to spend time in nature with animals, write articles on Medium and volunteer.
#6. I’m a giver, and I also been told that I’m an empath.
I do nice things and don’t expect anything in return on a regular basis, but I think it would get to a point where I would give and give and give and my energy would get drained. (We preach mom’s self care but as a woman realistically you are expected to naturally put your kids first). And I feel like it would get to point where the people in my life wouldn’t appreciate it, and start taking it for granted. I don’t care for attention and recognition, but I do care for getting my space and I’m also equally generous in giving it. From having too many honest conversations with women, it becomes overwhelming, exhausting, tiresome and burnout is a regular thing. Me being vulnerable and a giver ended up burning me in several situations, leaving me to pick up the pieces from it. This is me cutting myself off from that. I’m not interested in being in a situation where I gotta be on beck and call 24/7 putting 100% of myself in a situation that I may end up resenting or regretting later. And sure it’s not supposed to end up that way where one does more than the other, but as a mom you usually do by default. I do not want to be slowed down, lose my freedom. Or confined in any way. And once you sign up, it’s not something you can take back. You’re all in. I wish people stop saying you’re a mother for 18 years. You are a mother for life and there’s no take backs. I don’t have to be a mom to realize this lol.
I keep referring back to two articles in particular, because they understand me more than the people around me.
You’ve relied on no one but yourself for such a long time, perhaps previously learning that not everyone around you is going to be there for you, that you don’t want to have to feel like you depend on anyone else. You don’t want to know consistency and stability only to have it ripped away from you. And people have mistaken your kindness for weakness and taken you for granted. (SHIT YES.) You fear that once you do you will be giving someone the power to hurt you. (It’s happened before and it doesn’t feel very good).
You’re afraid of love because of your fear of feeling confined in any way.(Preach to the high heavens I resent being controlled or someone trying to. Just don’t.)
You will flirt with a wall, but when it comes to intimacy, you do not open up unless you are feeling deeply for a person. Sure, I keep an open mind, but I’m also very aware of energy and spending time with people on my same wavelength. (And with that, this Gemmy can stop writing, for now.)
People often celebrate ‘superhero’ mothers who can drop off the kids at school, work 9–5 and get home in time to make dinner, yet baulk at the idea of a woman choosing a career, travel or financial freedom over raising a family; choices men are rarely critiqued for.
Pronatalist ideology refers to policies and social norms that encourage childbirth to maintain national birth rates and populations, and offers one explanation for the persistent stigma surrounding child-free women.
Pronatalism normalises and naturalises women’s roles as mothers, and discredits and marginalises women without children.-Shedefined.com.au
Related Reads That Are Mine
Happy Women’s Day
I relate to you the most. A special group of ladies I didn’t forget about.
7 Little Nuggets
WTF they keep putting this in my face for idk. I’m retired from this topic, remember lol.
7 Articles That Are Scary Accurate To My Real Life Experiences
I was reading about myself looking at these articles. How do these writers know me like this, but we don’t know each…
Forever A Third Wheeler
Why I may not need to write another relationship article again.
Why I Don’t Want To Get Married
This is the last time I’m going to write something like this and I’m not going to explain it again. This is why I…
Reads That Are Not Mine (But Kinda Wish They Were)
I'm in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won't Anyone Believe Me? (Published 2018)
Since I turned 40 I've encountered disbelief that I could possibly be enjoying my own life. But then there's the other…
'Childless' or 'Childfree': The Difference Matters - Rewire News Group
Mother's Day is a great time to remind ourselves that language matters, and that the experience of not wanting children…
3 women share why they chose a life without children
Despite significant progress towards women's rights, pressure remains to follow the path of motherhood, with women…
Women Who Said No to Motherhood
A photographer in Berlin is capturing the lives of the consciously child-free. Zoë Noble was 32 when her doctor told…
People Are Sharing The Reasons They Don't Want To Have Kids, And They're Completely Valid
Not everyone is meant to have kids! Not too long ago, I wrote up responses to a viral Reddit thread that asked people…
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"It's time to stop making more people until we can fix the problems we're causing." A big topic of conversation today…
Why more women are deciding not to have kids
A growing number of women in the US are opting not to have children -- part of a trend that has been underway for more…
It’s 2021 🔥🙌
If you like what you’ve read, please recommend it so others can read it as well. Please tell me what you want me to write about here!
Interested in what I done? Check out my LinkedIn profile I barely use lol. I’ll update it to add the new current businesses I’m working on one of these days.