For a good portion of my life, I noticed that friends would support other friends, but they would never give me that same support and love in return.
Recently, a mutual friend’s (should I be saying acquaintance?) cat passed away. They received all the comments, sorry for your loss, etc.
But when my relative passed away?
No one said a word.
It confirmed what I already knew: they didn’t care about me. Period.
In grade school, everyone in my class sided with the backstabbers. No one was on my side.
In college, a lot of people didn’t have faith in my leadership abilities, and talked behind my back. Many labeled and stereotyped me. (Drinking buddies is my strong point. Pass me the Tequila!).
Remember in Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer when his red nose appeared, how mean the fellow reindeers were to him? Then he met up with Hermey the elf (I think it’s spelled wrong) and they agreed to this: Rudolph wouldn’t judge him for wanting to be a dentist, and Hermey wouldn’t judge Rudolph’s red nose. They respected each other’s differences and stuck together.
Like Rudolph, I found (and still find) myself taking my own path on my own, and come across a few like-minded people that agree to not judge each other, accept each other as we are and to genuinely support each other.
It’s funny how they made fun of Rudolph, but they ended up needing him in the end. Funny how life works like that.
My mom told me a story about this lady who gave her the finger about 20 years ago. Cutting her off in traffic. And yelling at her out her car window.
The lady turned pale white when she walked into the state government center, because my mother was supposed to be interviewing her for a job. The lady that you called b**** ended up getting the last laugh huh? My mother laughed for days after that, because the lady was so apologetic and remorseful after that.
Another story. Long story cut short this guy named V asked for this real estate guru for help. The guru ripped the V, the student off. A few years later the student became a successful multi-millionaire. The guru that ripped him off fell on hard times. He said he could have died and went to heaven when he saw that rip-off guru in the audience he was giving a speech for. After wards the former guru asked for V’s forgiveness and mercy. The guru that ripped off V was now asking him for help to get back on his feet.
Moral of that story: Watch how you treat people. Funny how life can work like that and turn the tables on you. The person you make fun of today could be the person that could make the decision on hiring you tomorrow. Or could be the person you ask to help you get back on your feet financially.
When you go against the status quo, some try to keep you down like crabs in the barrel. And they also make fun of you or try to beat you down or keep you in a box. When you are successful, they come around wanting a piece, claiming they know you.
I also decided to stop counting on outside resources for support along time ago, channeling outside validation and so on.
Need a clap? Clap for your damn self fool! :D (This is one of the mantras I repeat in my head.)
This is why you should be your #1 supporter:
You Learn To Be Self-Reliant
People have to become aware about the fact that love has nothing to do with demanding. When you come together with a person because of a need, because you search for wholeness, that is not love. That is your ego, searching for characteristics in another person which can make you feel better, more alive. Sooner or later your ego will be unsatisfied again and you blame the other person for it. You will feel lonely, unloved. And that’s most probably not because of the other person, but because of yourself. Because the other person can’t give you what you’re searching for-your whole self.-Isi Bell
By letting people decide how happy you are, you give away the most basic control of yourself to people that may or may not be good for you, as the Transcend Your Limits article points out.
How do you know if they are responsible with that kind of power? What if they end up being irresponsible with your vulnerability and using it against you? How do you know they can be trusted with your happiness? Yet alone be responsible with it?
I always find it interesting that people tell you to be vulnerable, but they forget one important thing: being vulnerable to the right person. Telling the wrong person your deepest secrets will result in your information being sold to the tabloids.
When you trust yourself to solve your own issues, it gives you thick skin. We often think that others are supposed to carry our emotional weight. Even if they are willing to do so, it’s unfair to put all of that weight on someone.
For example, I would have loved if more people reached out when my friends passed away from suicide. I watched a lady on the Today show who’s friends just showed up to her mom’s funeral. She didn’t have to ask them, they just drove hours to there with her. Not a single one of my friends showed up to my granny’s funeral or said a condolence. (My friend Amelia did reach out to my mom and I’ll always love her for that).
I don’t expect no one person to solve anything, (nor would I want to put all that weight on anyone) but it would be nice to have more people to talk it over with from time to time. Having another person’s perspective on it would be cool.
It would be nice if I didn’t have to beg someone to be there. Kathie Lee said Hoda Kotb still came over when her husband Frank passed away, despite her saying “it’s ok” and “you don’t have to come over”.
Later, Kathie Lee admitted that she’s happy that Hoda didn’t listen to her. She didn’t want to be by herself.
Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a few more Hodas around? A friend that doesn’t give up on you even when you shut off from the world? That still shows up even when you tell them they don’t have to?
Being emotionally independent and strong is what made me look over my friends’ silence. I also took a mental note of how they supported other friends in their hard times, but disappeared when it came to me.
When support of those few friends here and there shows up, it’s a bonus.
Support is not needed. (The better word probably is essential.) But it’s really sweet and appreciated.
What I mean is that when you put all your faith in other people hoping that they will be the ones to finally give you that feeling of peace, safety, security, comfort, peace or whatever else that was stripped away from you due to a traumatic experience, you are setting yourself up for complete failure and constant failure- Anna Haugabook
It Teaches You How To Have Thick Skin
“Some of us are blessed with people who look out for us even when we don’t care or have enough strength to look out for ourselves, but we should not place our trust in the idea that these people will be willing to take on this role forever, nor should we make it their responsibility to take on this role forever. In no way is it fair, in no way is it easy, but the absolute truth is no one on earth is even able to mend you, besides you.- Anna Haugabook
It would be nice to have others’ support or approval, but it’s not required.
Many times I let people in to realize I made a mistake. They say they wouldn’t tell anyone, just to find out later my secrets were sold down the river. They say they would be there for me, just to get hung up on, and for people to start avoiding me.
Some people really want to drag your name in the mud and be the first to tell someone something to make themselves look important.
This really taught me how to live with people or without them. And to only trust them when they proven they can be trusted. When you learn to take care of yourself and not depend on others, you control your own destiny. When you control your own destiny, you are unstoppable.
You can be with people or without people. It’s your choice.
You learn to take care of yourself
You learn how to take care of yourself, and you steer clear from negative sources. When you depend on yourself, you don’t have to rely on others.
I steer clear from toxic people (I said this 100 times already, read past articles). It’s not out of spite or revenge, if they negatively impacted my life in anyway, it’s best that I stay away. (I’ve been told to give these people another chance, but I also explain that I’m not a doormat, nor have they really changed their ways. Trust my judgement for the sake of keeping this article shorter).
I choose to keep people out of my life that are toxic.
I keep mental notes or stories to protect myself from future harm. I don’t spend hours coming up with revenge tactics, however. That would be energy wasted. Past behavior sometimes can be a predictor of future behavior. I also watch for patterns. If they apologize and still do the same thing over again, then they are not sorry.
In the unfortunate and rare event I do find myself in a toxic person’s presence (like my high school reunions), I should be aware and on my guard in their presence. And hit the gas as soon as I can. By steering clear of toxic people and behaviors, I take care of myself.
You learn to take responsibility for your own life
To solve the loneliness epidemic, it’s time to practice feeling comfortable solo. -Starre Julia Vartan
Instead of expecting others to save you, you decide to be your own superhero and save yourself. You don’t put your emotional baggage on your partner. Or anyone else. You go through your own journey and work through your own baggage.
Instead of expecting others to compliment you, you look in the mirror and you compliment yourself.
Instead of expecting someone to give you something that they don’t want to give or don’t have the capacity to give, you give it to yourself. Then any other love you receive, it’s extra.
You learn to live in solitude
“Because America is an extrovert-focused society, introverts learn social skills in order to be more outgoing, but rarely are the extroverts taught solitude skills”-Laurie Helgoe
Loneliness refers to the perception that one’s relationships are inadequate in light of one’s preferences for social involvement, according to John Cacioppo. In other words, the most toxic and damaging physical and mental health effects of loneliness are perceived isolation.
“Loneliness is a feeling rather than a behavior, like smoking or being sedentary. That’s why people can say they feel lonely even when they have close friends, a loving family, or a supportive partner. On the other hand, there are others-typically regarded as introverts-who are comfortable being alone and yet rarely experience loneliness. -Starre Julia Vartan
Classic example: I can go to a concert without feeling lonely. I can look at friends’ pictures of them going to a concert, and it wouldn’t make me feel uncomfortable being by myself. I touch on this on Sometimes Being Alone Is The Upgrade article.
Insider tip: Don’t look on social media and compare yourself to others. There’s a huge misperception of how life should look due to social media.
Being the only child, I’m used to people abandoning me. People have ditched me so much that prefer being on my own. Like I said in my recent article, it’s like they are taking the toxicity and trash out for me. I love solitude. I enjoy my own company.
You Know The Differences Between Acquaintances and Friends
“I didn’t always segrate the people that I know. To me, anyone that I had a history with was a friend.”- Michelle Varghese
I have to be honest. These past couple of years, the acquaintance and friend line have been really blurry in my life. Casual acquaintances have turned into really great friends, and friends that I’ve known for years have been silent, especially when it appears that I’m doing better than them. Saying that they are too busy just means they don’t want to be bothered, and they don’t have the balls to say they don’t want to meet up. In rare instances, some of them have had major issues and I found out a little bit down the road from them they didn’t want anyone to know their problems, and they pushed everyone away.
Polite exchanges became deep conversations. Some people that have known me for a shorter period of time understands me more than people who been in my life for years. I’ve met more like-minded people on Medium that understands me more than my offline friends. None of my current friends in real life don’t read what I write on Medium, so I can be bluntly honest (and even if they come around they know I’m a straight shooter, and would tell them this in their face given the chance).
There’s people that you know that no matter what, they will always be apart of what you do. You haven’t spoken to them in a long time, but when you see each other again, you pick up right where you left off, as Michelle points out, they are Turritopsis Dohrnii.
They’re like the Turritopsis Dohrnii — the species of immortal jellyfish that don’t die and can magically induce a regeneration process even upon injury.
Then you have those that you gotta keep fighting and fighting to keep the friendship alive. They cancel plans on you all the time, and they don’t respond to you. The friendship is on cardiac arrest and you both know it’s over. And the only reason why you are both on life support because you both have history that you hang on to.
But because we still loved and deeply cared for one another, we forced ourselves to fit into a relationship that didn’t make sense for the people we had been and the people we were still hoping to become.-Nisa Deng
According to Felicia C. Sullivan’s Best Friends Forever Don’t Exist article, she mentions that studies tell us that we discard people as easily as objects.
Here lately, I haven’t been forcing it, because the friends I’ve known longer either don’t want to make the same effort in the friendship, priorities change, or they don’t want to be bothered. You at least have the memories if you got history together. Hold onto the memories because they will hold on to you.
If you find true friends?
Find you some friends that support you the way Halsey and Taylor supports Selena.
Find you some friends that will support you regardless if you had the best vocals of your career, or if they are the only ones in the audience. If you sing well or way off key, they would still be there singing your song in the crowd with you.
In other words find people who will be there through the good, the bad, and the downright ugly. They come few and far between.
You learn to be whole on your own
A healthy relationship is like mutual serving, not because of wanting something but because you want to give from the deepest urge of your heart. Because you LOVE the person. You are like two trains. Traveling next to each other but on your own lane. Feeling whole by yourself but enjoying the others presence. Not crashing together, not in need of the others fuel. Demanding nothing. Simply enjoying.-Isi Bell
All my life, the basic message that I got that being with someone will make you “whole” and as a girl you gotta find a guy as quick as possible so you don’t be an “old maid.” You gotta have a male take care of you so you won’t be lonely. (Supposedly ending up by yourself is the worst thing that can ever happen to you apparently; sitting at tables by yourself is socially unacceptable. Whatever.)
- I learned quickly that you don’t use marriage to run away or solve your problems.
2. I vowed to not let anyone put me in that position again. I’ve been told I’ll take care of you by guys. Then I said, hm. I’ll take care of my own despite what he says. Then I watched women who believed it get done in financially because they 100% depended on other people and didnt have no plan. (Some ended up ok, but I still wouldn’t want to be in that position.) I’m not against romance. I’m for being able to take care of business regardless.
3. You don’t get into a relationship to see what you’re gonna get. You get into relationships to see what you can give.
4. It’s best to be a situation where you can live with a relationship and you can live without it.
5. It’s better to be by yourself and happy then to be an abusive and unbalanced relationship.
6. And I rather be happy than front appearances and conform to what society wants me to do. I’m not gonna rush into a relationship or wedding just for the sake of saying I’m in one. I’m gonna do what I want whenever the f*** I want, on my own time.
I love to add people and happiness to my life but it’s ultimately up to you to complete it for you by you. (And at this point I don’t trust as easily, so I’m being responsible for my own happiness. Like I said above, I vowed to not ever let anyone have that kind of financial power or control over me again.)
You have to realize first that you are everything. Everything that you’re looking for in the need of feeling whole. You’re the one who gives you security, appreciation, love, attention and peace. Understand that first. Then you are able to enter a relationship. You are able because you want to give and you are ready to enjoy the mutual presence, not because you’re in a need, which the other person cannot fulfill. We are not relationship incapable-we just unlearned what the very core of a relationship is. A beautiful accompaniment of two persons' journeys. It’s not heavy, it’s simple.-Isi Bell
You Fully Embrace Jomo
See these articles below for EVEN more details. I think after reading all of these together, I make my point pretty clear. (And probably some things are repeated throughout the articles.)
These Conversations Make Me Want To Stay In The Woods Longer
I spend a lot of time in the woods. I sometimes wonder if I need to make it a permanent move.
Sometimes Being Alone Is The Upgrade
Sometimes we expect so much from people because we are willing to give them that much.
I’m at Peace About These 2 Things
The more people try to sway me, the less interested I get!
The Art Of Solitude
“All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”
JOMO (The Joy Of Missing Out)
I learned early that you are not going to get invited to everything and it’s not the end of the world.
If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.
Being the only child growing up, I wrestle with this quote regularly.
I'm Engaged. But Not In The Way You Think.
This article is not what you think. Just read it first, no congratulations needed.
I Love My Space & I’m Not Afraid To Admit It
Some people think of “being alone” as a bad thing. It either means you’re anti-social, or unwanted. Being alone isn’t’…
I would keep my same cleaning habits. I would workout, shower, shave and go on about my day to day life.
As much as I love the woods, I would need even more training on being outdoors. I would still want a warm cabin, cooked food and so forth. I won’t let my dog or other animals freeze or get too hot because of the elements. I’ve gotten too used to everyday conveniences to completely give that up and be 100% hermit.
My ideal situation would be woods nearby a big city. My next ideal situation? Even when I’m in the city, I like to find a quiet getaway. I would reappear sometimes. But I understand this lady’s desire to stay away from people completely. I understand Taylor’s desire to slip in from city to city being undetected.
You learn to walk in your own footsteps
Create the super hero that you want to see in the world. Lizzo is a great example. She didn’t see what she wanted to see in movies, magazines and pop culture. She created the superstar she wanted to see and became it. Because she created her own footsteps, she’s one of the biggest stars right now, and she’s “good as hell.”
Be your #1 supporter. Be the next and best you. Instead of aspiring to be someone else, aspire to be yourself. Don’t follow in someone else’s footsteps, create your own.
Call To Action
If you like what you’ve read, please recommend it so others can read it as well. Please tell me what you want me to write about here!
Interested in having my Medium stories sent to your inbox? Sign up here!
Hello There! I’m Alesha! I’ve been involved in different businesses in several different capacities from being ceo, coo, co-founder, and more. I’ve learned so much from creating businesses, and I look forward to all the learning experiences I will have from starting new ventures. 2019 I’m excited to announce that I’m going to add more businesses to my portfolio. STAY TUNED! I’m going to introduce them sometime next year!
With one business I was involved with, we made it possible to install a little device with customized hardware and a SaaS solution implemented to the router, the business owner was able see live data about social media info collected.
With another company, we had professional internet marketing company that focus on digital marketing campaigns, services and jobs such as SEO, PPC, Online Reputation Management, and social media marketing.
With EYT, I oversaw day-to-day operations and keeping the CEO apprised of significant events;Yes I actually talk with my business partner on a daily basis. I created operations strategy and policies; Communicated strategy and policy to employees and interns; Fostering employee alignment with corporate goals; and overseeing human resource management. I also delegated tasks to my team.
With Bones’ Custom Guitar. We created custom guitars for musicians with imported wood. No one Bones’ guitar is the same.
The Wish Benefit Concert is a concert founded by Ayana Carter, Mel Sexton and Alesha Peterson. It’s privately held at Riley Hospital For Children.