Yes, I Still Miss You
Disclaimer: All information, data and material contained, presented, or provided on this post is written from my first hand experiences of mental illness and suicide from loved ones. It is not to be construed or intended as providing medical or legal advice. Decisions you make about your family’s healthcare are important and should be made in consultation with a competent medical professional. I’m not a physician and do not claim to be.
A question was asked if they would be missed if they passed away by suicide a while back.
Trigger Warning. You don’t have to read this if you are not comfortable.
I wrote this deep message/story/poem as my response in 2016. At the time, I never wrote anything like this before.
Years later, I still feel the same.
Here’s the first one I wrote.
November 30th, 2016
Yes someone would miss you. Someone in the world will miss you. If you pass away, we’ll never know what you will grow into. The sun wouldn’t shine as bright if you weren’t around.
Imagine someone discovering you. This someone could be a friend, your mother, your father, your sister, your cousin walking into a room, and seeing your lifeless body. Imagine who would find you first. Imagine what will happen when they find you. Imagine them shaking you trying to wake you up. They will feel a pain that they can’t put into words. They will cry in agony. They will scream in horror, saying no no no. They will have to call 991, declare you dead at the the scene, then sign a death certificate. Then they will have to visit you at the morgue to face this reality of you being gone. Your parents will have to tell others of your passing. Then they will have to go through your belongings, pick out clothes for you to wear. They will have to pick a head stone, a casket, pick out flower arrangements, and make additional funeral arrangements; people will ask them what happened and why. They had so much life ahead of them. Why? They will break down and not able to process what is happening in the moment. They will feel that pain until the day they die, it won’t go away in a few days or even a few years. Everyday will be more hurtful than a heartbreak hotel.
Think of your friends telling other friends about your death. Opening up that email to read that you passed away. Seeing it all over Facebook that you are gone, with all the RIP statuses. That the details of the funeral will be coming soon. Think of your family, burying you. Your parents and loved ones are planning your funeral. Parents shouldn’t be burying children, but it’s happening.
During the wake, family and friends will gather still in complete shock still not believing you are gone. They will not say, they are gone. They will not say I’m happy they took their life. They will not say that life is better without you. The people that you claimed ignored you, didn’t love you or didn’t care about you came to your wake to see you. They love you. They need you. And can’t believe they are saying goodbye. They are reading your obituary as they wait in line to see you, hands folded in a casket. They will cry themselves to sleep denying the fact you are gone, knowing that this is a nightmare that they will never be able to escape.
The day of your funeral, everyone who loves you is wearing black. They will be hurting and crying so hard that their whole body will ache. They will die as they say goodbye one last time. Then they will think of you and a memory of you, but stay quiet to process it all. As the service begins, they will start to talk about you and the life you lived. People will say speeches in your memory and not be able to get though the speech without trembling in pain.
They will proceed outside the church, into their cars, in the funeral procession, and into the cemetery. They will park their cars, and visit your plot for the very first time. As they see your casket come out of that hurst, they will feel a knife go through their chest. Your loved ones will see flowers on your casket, as final prayers are said. They will wish they could die too. They will do anything just to be with you. They will struggle to find happiness. Their days will be filled with sadness.
Your loved ones won’t see you waiting in line at a party anymore. They won’t be able to take pictures with you anymore. They won’t be able to text you to hang out or grab a bite to eat. They won’t see you in a graduation gown, your name being called on stage.
You might think you are ending your pain, but all your loved ones will be affected way more than you will be. Your parents will no longer have a child. Your grandparents will no longer have a grandchild. You will no longer be a sibling or cousin. Your pets will wonder where their owner is. That special person won’t have the chance to get to know you, date you, marry you, and build a life with you. Your significant other will no longer have a lover. Your loved ones will never be able to see you at your wedding. That happiness that was waiting for you, will never be able to materialize.
Everyone, who has ever been in your presence, will hurt, because if they showed you they cared, you would still be here. They wake up every morning thinking they will see you again, only to realize they won’t see you again. And every night, they will cry themselves to sleep, because even though they emotionally refuse to admit it, logically they know you are gone.
They will blame themselves no matter what. They will live forever miserable, angry, hurt and all asking that one question: why? They will wonder what if I helped you, would you still be here? Your loved ones lives won’t be the same. Realize that you may be ending your pain, but you’ll be starting a lifetime of everyone else’s.
If you are feeling alone, and think that suicide is the only way out, know that you are not alone, and yes, someone would miss you.
July 31st, 2021
Years has gone by, and I still miss all of you like it happened yesterday. Some other friends have joined you as recent as Dec 2020. A friend is trying to join you all right now (as of June 6th , 2021) and we are collectively making an effort to show that we care and keep them here on earth (and get them the help they need). I would rather hear a friend’s voice and me be their sounding board than wake up to hear a parent or friend say they are no longer alive. After experiencing losing too many friends in this way, it’s a nightmare that you never escape.. Losing friends to suicide is one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced, and I would do anything to have them all back. It all hurts.
It hurts especially when I see people have the chance to live their lives, have weddings and children and you don’t get that chance. Parts of me ache because I wish you here to choose that life if that’s what you wanted.
It’s summer right now at the time of this writing. It’s scorching hot. Tank tops, shorts, and flip flops is my casual attire. I’m switching between sunscreen and bug spray often to keep the bugs off. Cicadas and this half spider/cricket bug (looks like a spider and jumps like a cricket, apparently the crickets and spiders been hanging out ahah) been appearing this summer, they are gone at this point.
I wish I could just text you, check in on you to see how you’re doing?
I wish I could like your wedding photos, engagement photos, expecting baby announcements and live it vicariously through you. (If you were still around, I would just tell you why I love animals more than people, and why you would make a better husband/wife instead. Just keeping it real with you. I’m happy for all my friends and family members who got their spouses/s.o. to love, be loved, and cared for but I just don’t see me living that life, so I live it vicariously through them also. I’m happy they have each other). I watch wedding days on social media and wish it was you. I watch bridesmaids get their girl married, and groomsmen getting their boy married and wish you had that chance.
I wish I could go back in time and hug you again for one last time.
When I get hard on myself, I wish you were here to check me. Or at least be on the other end of the bench press. Or to say c’mon Alesha really?
Or when I need some advice, I could just reach out and get some different perspectives.
I wonder if you would be, are proud of me if you were still alive, or disappointed in me? Or do you look down and say damn, what is that b**** doing?
When I’m in nature, and I see birds, I wonder if the wind blowing is you?
When the lights flicker, is this you telling me you’re ok?
Or when I see pennies lined up on the street, is that a sign that you are watching me from above?
I saw a dime sitting on the chair at the bank. Is that you?
When it rains out, I wonder if the lighting and thunder in the sky is you bowling with all my other friends and family up there?
When I’m on the beach, and the water is crashing against the rocks and the waves are so strong that they carry the surfers across the seaside, is that you? Or are you the shells and sand on the ground? Is the warmth of the sand your comfort and the cool breeze your hug from heaven?
When it I’m in the deep forest surrounded by nature with no cell reception, is it you when I see the sunlight amongst the trees?
There’s been a lot of power surges happening at my house. It happened once a day for a whole week one time. Is this you?
Are you the random red cardinals that I see eating seeds or bread?
Are you trying to send me messages with repeating angel numbers? I’ve been seeing 111, 444, and 333 a lot. And sometimes 1212.
Are you trying to communicate something in my dreams, and please if you are going to make an appearance, please don’t do it while in the dark, I will wet my pants. I like pranks only with a heads up.
It doesn’t matter that it’s been years since you’ve passed away. It doesn’t matter that half of the people that are now in my life have never even met you. I still think about you all the time. I still wish you were here. After all, everything would be so different if you were still alive.-Holly Riordan
If you were around, honestly I wouldn’t have pushed certain people away. I wouldn’t be as distant and cold as I am now. For me personally, love equals pain. No matter how much I try to protect myself emotionally, my soul feels scorched over this. I really don’t focus on what I’m not invited to/who’s hanging out without me anymore. It’s interesting, people claim that being alone is the worst. How about being with people who pretend to care in your face but backstab you when you’re not around? What hurts a lot about losing you all is not realizing what I had until it was gone. Not everyone in this world is a great friend or deserves to be in your inner circle. You’re angels now, but I didn’t realize how good you all were until you were gone.
I haven’t trusted like I once did when I was younger, I will admit and take ownership in that. It takes courage to give your heart to someone only for them to break it. However I’m so secretly terrified of letting people get too close because losing you was way too painful.
If grief is the price we pay for love, I feel like I’ll be paying for the rest of my days. People say over time that it will get better, but it hasn’t/doesn’t. I’ve learned to live with it. And the few times I opened up about how losing you changed my life, the more punishment/clapback I faced (long complicated story). To lose you was the worst feeling, but to be judged by people I thought cared on top of that was a devastating blow. I felt like I was being punished for being human, being vulnerable and grieving. This whole experience taught me that everyone is not a emotionally safe person to open up to. I felt like I was throw away like trash and at the time, once again like many times in my life I felt like I couldn’t get close to anyone or trust them with my feelings. Loss of financial stability, dreams, safety and my friends all together was difficult for me to deal with. (It quickly taught me to have as many backup plans as possible. And to not depend on anyone financially, no matter what they say.)
I wish I could have another chance to tell you I care about you. I care for as many friends as I can because I don’t want them hurting the way I do/did. And because I’m good at hiding things. No one can ever tell how much pain I’m in. I’m cool and laidback as a cucumber on the surface. I’m the stoic one that people come to, because they know they can trust me with their deepest secrets. I endure pain and hardships time and time again without complaining, burdening others, or overly showing my feelings. But the honest truth is I’ve reached my breaking points when no one is around to care. I pick up myself by the bootstraps when no one else is around. Your deaths ripped my heart to pieces, and I still haven’t figured out how to put it back together, and to be quite frank. Not sure if my spirit will ever be repaired. You just learn to deal, and take one day at a time. Grief and trauma comes in waves. It’s been years and years for some of you (others recently) and sometimes it still feels like a fresh wound. People that haven’t experienced losing friends to suicide will never understand completely. Just because it’s not happening now doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Healing doesn’t mean that the trauma is just erased from your mind.
Healing doesn’t mean that the trauma never happened, to me healing means I have coping mechanisms to help me survive and thrive acknowledging my past trauma.
Trauma permanently changes us. This is the big, scary truth about trauma: there is no such thing as ‘getting over it.’ The five stages of grief model marks universal stages in learning to accept loss, but the reality is in fact much bigger: a major life disruption leaves a new normal in its wake. There is no ‘back to the old me.’ You are different now, full stop.
The pain of bereavement may never fully heal. Be sensitive to the fact that life may never feel the same. You don’t “get over” the death of a loved one. The bereaved person may learn to accept the loss. The pain may lessen in intensity over time, but the sadness may never completely go away.-https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/helping-someone-who-is-grieving.htm#
It sucks because well meaning friends try to introduce me to great guys but at this point, if ever I don’t want to be bothered. This pandemic has made me more introverted (despite friends on earth claiming that my extroverted side will eventually take over and make me stir crazy, it hasn’t), and enjoy my solitude. I wish I could introduce any potential boyfriend to you. So you can be the person who checks them out.
I wish you could meet Dijon, my dog. And all the outside animals I feed. And my squirrels. And my outside cats. And my outside racoons and possums deep in the woods (yeah my list of animals are long, no judgement here remember?)
I stay up at night when no one is around and I wonder what would you be doing if you were still living. I wonder if I missed any signs or if I could have done anything to take your pain away. When I think of you, I replay every scenario in my head.
When your birthday comes around, I wish I could be happy. There’s so many of you up there that at this point, posting all of them on social media every year would make my feed gloomy, dark, depressing and sad. As the years go by, I find different ways to honor you all.
I can’t hit up my birthday buddies or call/text you to see if you’re available to go out.
Seeing you in that coffin is something I’ll never be able to unsee. Details of your death still scares me. Every happy memory I have pushed away. It’s so painful I can’t put it into words anymore.
After your death(s), it wrecked several of my friendships beyond repair. Some of us are so distant from each other we don’t know each other anymore. You were the glue that held us together. Since you left, it hasn’t been the same. We went from being on the same team, to being so divided. It’s bad. I reached out just to get blocked and a whole friend group turned on me. I’m like shit. I’ve always felt like a natural loner (because I literally enjoy my own company) but it was the friends that said they would always be there was the first to leave like our friendship(s) meant nothing to them. I have a list of enemies miles long.
As my gray hairs grow in (yes it’s growing in already at dirty 30, I like it a lot and have no plans to change it.) I wish you were still living so we can grow old together, just like they told us when we were younger. I can only dream about us growing old together. Doing all the shenanigans that only long time friends can do. And what could have been. And it would have been super cool to see you as a grandpa/grandma. I wish we could have given your grandkids the business when they attempt to put us in a nursing home. Then surprise them all just like in Up, and escape lmfao. And watch me lose it after being so high up in the air, because I’m afraid of heights. Or at the bare minimum, push each other’s wheelchairs and make the nursing home alarm bells go off.
I’m going to be on auntie duty soon due to so many friends expecting kids. I wish you were here to be on the uncle and auntie team. Because I don’t know what I’m doing with the new kiddos, and I wish you were there to go through this journey with me. I’ll be looking up to the sky thinking of you as I change diapers to give the parents some self-care.
I still love you. I have so much to tell you when I see you. Until we meet again. ❤