Yes, I Still Miss You
Disclaimer: All information, data and material contained, presented, or provided on this post is written from my first hand experiences of mental illness from loved ones. It is not to be construed or intended as providing medical or legal advice. Decisions you make about your family’s healthcare are important and should be made in consultation with a competent medical professional. I’m not a physician and do not claim to be.
A question was asked if they would be missed if they passed away by suicide a while back.
I wrote this deep message/story/poem as my response in 2016. At the time, I never wrote anything like this before.
Years later, I still feel the same.
Here’s the first one I wrote.
November 30th, 2016
Yes someone would miss you. Someone in the world will miss you. If you pass away, we’ll never know what you will grow into. The sun wouldn’t shine as bright if you weren’t around.
Imagine someone discovering you. This someone could be a friend, your mother, your father, your sister, your cousin walking into a room, and seeing your lifeless body. Imagine who would find you first. Imagine what will happen when they find you. Imagine them shaking you trying to wake you up. They will feel a pain that they can’t put into words. They will cry in agony. They will scream in horror, saying no no no. They will have to call 991, declare you dead at the the scene, then sign a death certificate. Then they will have to visit you at the morgue to face this reality of you being gone. Your parents will have to tell others of your passing. Then they will have to go through your belongings, pick out clothes for you to wear. They will have to pick a head stone, a casket, pick out flower arrangements, and make additional funeral arrangements; people will ask them what happened and why. They had so much life ahead of them. Why? They will break down and not able to process what is happening in the moment. They will feel that pain until the day they die, it won’t go away in a few days or even a few years. Everyday will be more hurtful than a heartbreak hotel.
Think of your friends telling other friends about your death. Opening up that email to read that you passed away. Seeing it all over Facebook that you are gone, with all the RIP statuses. That the details of the funeral will be coming soon. Think of your family, burying you. Your parents and loved ones are planning your funeral. Parents shouldn’t be burying children, but it’s happening.
During the wake, family and friends will gather still in complete shock still not believing you are gone. They will not say, they are gone. They will not say I’m happy they took their life. They will not say that life is better without you. The people that you claimed ignored you, didn’t love you or didn’t care about you came to your wake to see you. They love you. They need you. And can’t believe they are saying goodbye. They are reading your obituary as they wait in line to see you, hands folded in a casket. They will cry themselves to sleep denying the fact you are gone, knowing that this is a nightmare that they will never be able to escape.
The day of your funeral, everyone who loves you is wearing black. They will be hurting and crying so hard that their whole body will ache. They will die as they say goodbye one last time. Then they will think of you and a memory of you, but stay quiet to process it all. As the service begins, they will start to talk about you and the life you lived. People will say speeches in your memory and not be able to get though the speech without trembling in pain.
They will proceed outside the church, into their cars, in the funeral procession, and into the cemetery. They will park their cars, and visit your plot for the very first time. As they see your casket come out of that hurst, they will feel a knife go through their chest. Your loved ones will see flowers on your casket, as final prayers are said. They will wish they could die too. They will do anything just to be with you. They will struggle to find happiness. Their days will be filled with sadness.
Your loved ones won’t see you waiting in line at a party anymore. They won’t be able to take pictures with you anymore. They won’t be able to text you to hang out or grab a bite to eat. They won’t see you in a graduation gown, your name being called on stage.
You might think you are ending your pain, but all your loved ones will be affected way more than you will be. Your parents will no longer have a child. Your grandparents will no longer have a grandchild. You will no longer be a sibling or cousin. Your pets will wonder where their owner is. That special person won’t have the chance to get to know you, date you, marry you, and build a life with you. Your significant other will no longer have a lover. Your loved ones will never be able to see you at your wedding. That happiness that was waiting for you, will never be able to materialize.
Everyone, who has ever been in your presence, will hurt, because if they showed you they cared, you would still be here. They wake up every morning thinking they will see you again, only to realize they won’t see you again. And every night, they will cry themselves to sleep, because even though they emotionally refuse to admit it, logically they know you are gone.
They will blame themselves no matter what. They will live forever miserable, angry, hurt and all asking that one question: why? They will wonder what if I helped you, would you still be here? Your loved ones lives won’t be the same. Realize that you may be ending your pain, but you’ll be starting a lifetime of everyone elses.
If you are feeling alone, and think that suicide is the only way out, know that you are not alone, and yes, someone would miss you.
April 30th, 2021
Years has gone by, and I still miss all of you like it happened yesterday. Some other friends have joined you as recent as Dec 2020. It hurts like hell.
It hurts like hell especially when I see people have the chance to live their lives, have weddings and children and you don’t get that chance. Parts of me ache because I wish you here to choose that life if that’s what you wanted.
Today is mother’s day, 2021. It hurts like hell that you are not here to wish your mothers/wives/girlfriends/significant others Happy Mother’s Day.
I wish I could just text you, check in on you to see how you’re doing?
I wish I could like your wedding photos, engagement photos, expecting baby announcements and live it vicariously through you. (If you were still around, I would just tell you why I love animals more than people, and why you would make a better husband/wife instead. Just keeping it real with you. I’m happy for all my friends and family who got their spouses/s.o. to love, be loved, and cared for but I just don’t see me living that life, so I live it vicariously through them also. I’m happy they have each other).
I wish I could go back in time and hug you again for one last time.
When I get hard on myself, I wish you were here to check me. Or at least be on the other end of the bench press.
Or when I need some advice, I could just reach out and get some different perspectives.
I wonder if you would be, are proud of me if you were still alive, or disappointed in me? Or do you look down and say damn, what is that b**** doing?
When I’m in nature, and I see birds, I wonder if the wind blowing is you?
When the lights flicker, is this you telling me you’re ok?
Or when I see pennies lined up on the street, is that a sign that you are watching me from above?
When it rains out, I wonder if the lighting and thunder in the sky is you bowling with all my other friends and family up there?
When I'm on the beach, and the water is crashing against the rocks and the waves are so strong that they carry the surfers across the seaside, is that you? Or are you the shells and sand on the ground?
When it I’m in the deep forest surrounded by nature with no cell reception, is it you when I see the sunlight amongst the trees?
If you were around, honestly I wouldn’t have pushed certain people away. I wouldn’t be as distant and cold as I am now. I wouldn’t be so terrified of losing someone again, someone I care about as much as you.
I haven’t trusted like I once did when I was younger, I will admit and take ownership in that. It takes courage to give your heart to someone only for them to break it. However I’m so secretly terrified of letting people get too close because losing you was way too painful.
I wish I could have another chance to tell you I care about you. I care for as many friends as I can because I don’t want them hurting the way I do. And because I’m good at hiding things no one can ever tell how much pain I’m in.
It sucks because well meaning friends try to introduce me to great guys but at this point, if ever I don’t want to be bothered. This pandemic has made me more introverted (despite friends on earth claiming that my extroverted side will eventually take over and make me stir crazy, it hasn’t), and enjoy my solitude. I wish I could introduce any potential boyfriend to you. So you can be the person who checks them out.
I wish you could meet Dijon, my dog. And all the outside animals I feed. And my squirrels. And my outside cats. And my outside racoons and possums deep in the woods (yeah my list of animals are long, no judgement here remember?)
I stay up at night when no one is around and I wonder what would you be doing if you were still living. I wonder if I missed any signs or if I could have done anything to take your pain away. When I think of you, I replay every scenario in my head.
When your birthday comes around, I wish I could be happy. There’s so many of you up there that at this point, posting all of them on social media every year would make my feed gloomy, dark, depressing and sad. As the years go by, I find different ways to honor you all.
I can’t hit up my birthday buddies or call/text you to see if you’re available to go out.
Seeing you in that coffin is something I’ll never be able to unsee. Details of your death still scares me. Every happy memory I have pushed away. It’s so painful I can’t put it into words anymore.
After your death(s), it wrecked several of my friendships beyond repair. Some of us are so distant from each other we don’t know each other anymore. You were the glue that held us together. Since you left, it hasn’t been the same. We went from being on the same team, to being so divided. It’s bad. I reached out just to get blocked and a whole friend group turned on me. I’m like shit.
As my gray hairs grow in (yes it’s growing in already at dirty 30, I like it a lot and have no plans to change it.) I wish you were still living so we can grow old together, just like they told us when we were younger. I can only dream about us growing old together. Doing all the shenanigans that only long time friends can do. And what could have been. And it would have been super cool to see you as a grandpa/grandma. I wish we could have given your grandkids the business when they attempt to put us in a nursing home. Then surprise them all just like in Up, and escape lmfao.
I still love you. I have so much to tell you when I see you. Until we meet again. ❤
How do I know about this kind of stuff to write up something like this? I have known a lot of people who have wanted to kill themselves, and I miss my friends who passed away from suicide. There’s another great article on 25 reasons why you shouldn’t end your life along with this. Instead of re-inventing the wheel with tips and pointers, I decided to link a few great articles here.
2021 Me: I don’t know what other links I had in mind back then, so I included some articles I come across recently.
If you or know someone that needs help, call 1–800–273–8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
Additional Support Groups and National Networks
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1–800–273–8255
- Crisis Text Line — Text HOME to 741741 for free, 24/7 crisis counseling.
- American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: 1–888–333-AFSP (2377)
- Suicide Awareness Voices of Education: 952–946–7998
It’s 2021 🔥🙌
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