You’re Not Gonna Have The Time

Just keeping it real with the people I love. The hard conversations.

I want my friends, cousins and family to know I support them in their next stage of their lives. Here lately, I’ve been creating a ton of care packages to let them know I care. Due to the pandemic, we haven’t seen each other personally. I have many expecting people in my life, yayy. ❤ I’m so excited and happy for them. My April 2021 horoscope for April even says I’m super happy for them! (AND GIVES WAY TOO MUCH INFO ON A CRUSH. Like wtf, way to give that out…)

It’s interesting, because I’ve been having several conversations with my cousins. Due to the pandemic, also, I haven’t really hung out with anyone in person. Even though I got the vaccine, I don’t want to catch Covid-19 and I don’t want to give it to anyone else by mistake. I love bars but haven’t been to any. My social life is non-existent, with going to the grocery store being the closest to being social.

Skype is the next best thing.

Yeah we still gonna go out to the bars after the kids are born

Heard this many times before. I have a huge-monus, (ginormous) giant family. Seen and heard a lot of things. My mom is the oldest daughter in the family, so I hear the deep deep secrets.

Listen, if you think your life with kids is gonna be the same like your care-free single days, you’re crazy. I love ya and you don’t have to say that to make me feel better. I’m a big girl remember? Lol.

It’s natural that your priorities will change and parenthood will force you to put someone else above yourself.

You’re not gonna hurt my feelings. I’m not the priority here. It’s ok brother. I’ll cherish the memories we have and make different ones moving forward.

I told another cousin once: You’re not gonna have the time for me like you used to, and IT’S OK. At this point, it’s time for me to step it up and be supportive of you. Every once in a while you might have a weekend to cut a rug, but if you think we are gonna go out like we are in college you crazy. Cray cray!

At the time of this writing, I don’t plan on having kids. At this point, said this millions of times. I even joined the rich auntie supreme group. If this is your first article, a little 411 in a nutshell.

Due to a tumor I had, there’s a chance that I may run into infertility (more on this later on down the road). I don’t wish it on anyone. Also, if they find that I can’t have kids I’m not gonna beat myself up for it.

I tell my loved ones this: If you need a mental health break? Here for you. If you need a non-judgmental sound board? I’m here for you. Right now I feel more comfortable in the auntie and animal lane than the mom lane.

I’m ok with being the third wheel lol. As a honorary third wheel, the best talent I can have is knowing when to back off. I don’t invade my friend’s date nights or come along all the time. Cuzzo, your family comes first. We will see each other.

And no, I’m not gonna come on your date even if you invite me. You’re crazy. That’s supposed to be a table for 2, not 3 fool! 🤣 I appreciate you wanting to be nice and include me, but that’s your time with your person. I’ll see you later.

Instead of going out clubbing until 4 am, maybe it will be us taking a glass of wine after you put the kids to bed. Or meeting you for lunch. Or baby sit while you and your bae/husband/wife spend some needed quality time together.

When I’m out with a bunch of my single friends, I do sometimes wish it was with some of the people I partied with back in school. I miss them, but I understand they are not interested /don’t want to/don’t have the time anymore. I’m going to be supportive as possible. And be there for them when they need me.

This is one of the most honest articles I’ve ever seen. And it’s describes some of the reasons why I don’t take the leap into having or adopting kids myself just yet. In Things I would Do Before Getting Pregnant {If I Could DO it All Over Again},this author describes what she would have done differently before having kids.

There are beautiful things about all phases of life (pre-baby, mid-baby, post-baby, etc.), and it’s so important that you soak up every moment of your life RIGHT NOW.

  1. Yes, I do hope that my friends, family and cousins take the time to read a book under the trees while it’s just them. And if you catch a free moment, I hope you lie in your hammocks to soak up the sun. I hope you spend a few extra minutes in that bed.
  2. I do hope you get to travel to some of your favorite places around the world while it’s just you two, OR if you are riding it solo if you are planning on being a single parent.
  3. I really do hope you pamper yourself as much as possible while it’s just you. Self-care is really important too, and it always seems to be a challenge as a mom to find time to take care of yourself. I see this with my cousins all the time. While it’s just you (as she describes it): Start out with breakfast in bed. Take your time eating it, and pay particular attention to taste and texture. Lay in bed in silence. Soak in the quiet times. Then go get a pedicure, manicure and have a spa day. Are you still all by yourself? Good. Go shopping. Do the things you want to do. As I tell my loved ones: if you need a self care day when you have kids, please reach out. There’s been plenty of times where people in my family have stepped up so the parents can have some alone time.
  4. Spend as much time together as possible. I had some cousins confess this one especially, that they find it hard to have personal one on one sexy time with little tots running around. I’ve taken kiddies for the weekend so they can get it in, even though I don’t consider myself to be a spectacular babysitter. I didn’t realize how much this helped until later on down the road. I think they say I’m a good babysitter to be kind, but I don’t think it’s my lane.
  5. Instead of being focused on doing what other people want to do all the time, I personally hope you can pursue something that satisfies your own interests, even if it’s during your kid’s nap time, summer camp sessions, when your kids are in school, etc.
  6. No matter what phrase of life you are in, soak up the stage that you are in now. Please don’t try to rush into the next phrase because you see your friends doing it. I gotta confess I do miss seeing the drunk photos in my feed from crazy weekends from the school days. Appreciate every phrase, it comes and goes quicker than you think.
  7. It may be several months here and there before we see each other, and with many of my friends we just pick up where we left off. Some cousins I only see once every 2 years. Here’s a perspective: I rather you take care of yourself, go to those Yoga/mediation sessions, and do your self care, even if it means less time hanging out with me; shorter times mean our hangout time will be more meaningful. I’ll be here. I have many many MANY friends I lost to suicide and other things. Please make yourself priority and take care of your mental health. ❤ I rather see a lil less of you and you put yourself first than not see you at all and looking at your tombstone. I’m just keeping it 100% with you. As close as we are and you being younger, please don’t leave me on this earth. As the older cousin I’ve seen too many younger cousins pass and it’s like being stabbed to the heart and crushed in the soul and spirit. I rather go first than lose you and be your guardian angel, if it boiled down to that (I want to live until 121 though, just saying)…There’s a mental health crisis among my age group. I miss my friends that passed away at early ages and I think about them often. It’s painful, and I never have told anyone how much it’s affected my life. I don’t consider myself an overly emotional person, but that has totally broke my heart into 1000 more pieces and it makes me want to keep people at a distance. A friendly reminder: It’s not selfish to take care of yourself.

So cuzzo. Ready or not, you’re a family person now. ❤🥰

(I gave a warning at the beginning of this that it would be a lot of hard conversations and deep talks).

Just think about it. Several of our aunties are grandmothers now. You’re just hitting that next step of your life at this particular point in time. Remember back in the day when everyone gathered at granny’s house? I miss these days. But now since some of our aunties are grannies now, they are starting their own family traditions. It’s sad that we only gather for funerals. I’m not expecting to see the family everyday, but it would be cool to see each other every couple months or so like we used to. With everyone’s busy schedules and the pandemic, it’s been months. Even without the pandemic, we live all around the world and see each other once every blue moon anyways.

Sometimes you are just gonna want to do things and spend holidays with your wife/girlfriend/husband/boyfriend and kids. Yes, we are “family.” BUT I’m not the family that you created, if that makes sense. And the family you created becomes priority.

You say these things now, like nah cuzzo that ain’t true but just wait. I’m VERY good at giving people space and I don’t want to impose on anyone. (Space, my 6th unofficial love language). Instead of Thanksgiving like we did in our younger days, maybe we can see each other a few days before or a few days after holidays (if you feel like it haha)? Don’t worry about me, I’m gonna go with the flow. You’re not gonna have the time for me because you are going to make new traditions. Of course I’ll miss you, but we will see each other in a jiffy. Love ya ❤

P.S. It’s Easter today. Happy Easter family. Remember when we used to go on Easter egg hunts back in the 2000's? It’s only natural that your priorities shift. As you go through different phrases of life, you are not going to be interested in all of the things you liked as a kid. You’re not gonna like the same things you liked as a 10 year old.

Bonus article in a article:

Here’s my list of 7 things I will do before considering motherhood

Or the question mentioned: if for some reason kids aren’t a part of my future, what would I be happy doing for the rest of my life?”

  • Mediate in a Carmelite/monk/hermit community for months. I love my solitude. Yes I will check in from time to time. I really want to see if transforming into a super saiyan/ultra instinct is possible. Lol.
  • Live in a cave. And if I like it, just like the hermit deal I’ll reach out.
  • Train in marital arts in Japan. Do my backflips again. My backflips are shaky at best. I briefly remember doing a roundhouse type backflip at 8 and I miss it!
  • Pre-baby bar crawl with friends (old and new) family . In fact a few in different areas of the country. Tell my trusted loved ones in private (AND) that sure, we are thinking about starting a family, and this may be the last time in a while that I go buck-wild like this. Because lets be really honest: with a newborn, I won’t be able to hit the streets with my single friends like I want to for a while. So let’s get it out of my system now. (If getting pregnant doesn’t pan out? I’ll keep enjoying the care-free single life full heartily.)
  • I have a terrifying fear of heights. I would like to tackle my fear and maybe Skydive in a building first.
  • Travel the world once/twice as a single person, and few times as a couple.
  • Explore other religions. I grew up Catholic, and while I haven’t completely left the church, I did think about leaving a few times due to some of my experiences. And found the answers I was looking for other places/belief systems. My relationship with the Catholic church is on life support, and it just got more awkward with the priest scandals. I like to pull up services on YouTube and call it a day. Deacon pillowcase, deacon sheets and assistant blanket is the best church service I been to.
  • I find that this bracelet I’m wearing is linked to Buddhism. YouTube keeps recommending these meditations that are Buddhist based. Coincidence?
  • It’s no secret that my auditions took a hit during the pandemic. I like to improve my bookings and resume even more.
  • Same with entrepreneurship. It took a hit.
  • I would like to improve my finances even more (it’s not bad, but 30 multiple income streams is my number. I just take my age and make that my multiple income stream # goal.)
  • Rescue animals. I find they are nicer to me than most people. I hate to see people abuse animals, because they give you unconditional, genuine love. I personally feed squirrels, cats, dogs and anyone that needs food. (I recently inquired about me moving in to this new 12 million dollar place. How can I be an animal to enjoy these amenities?)
  • I would hate to love someone deeply and lose my sense of self and identity, just for him to take me for granted and throw me away like trash. I gotta confess: I do turn on the avoidant faucet still: I keep my distance to not lose myself to love. I would hate to give myself and sacrifice myself, just to find out he doesn’t love me anymore; or to let my guard down for him to leave at anytime. I don’t want to know consistency and stability from a man, hear him say he loves me and will be there for me forever, only to have it ripped away from me, period. People can come and go in your life at anytime, for any reason, without any prior warnings. I’ve learned this from being devastated so many times in my 20’s and 30’s. I’ve been through many painful things already, and I can do bad, be bad and be a f*** up by myself. I’ve relied on no one but myself for such a long time, perhaps previously learning that not everyone around you is NOT going to be there for you. I don’t want to have to feel like I have to depend on anyone else; relying on others was costly and letting too many people get too close to me put me in a bad way. I was financially scorched for years (and STILL trying to play catch up); I’m caught in a mental torture chamber forever, there’s no earthly way to erase losing so many friends and family suddenly, tragically. When my loved ones isn’t around (because they got their own lives to live and attend to). I gotta leave my care to my own devices. My biggest thing before a relationship or any kids would be learning better how to let people in because for the most part I don’t (the few of you know who you are.. ). I keep saying this, it’s bad bad bad when a retreat tells you to let love burn in your heart. And you keep hearing the same message every where you go, even from damn horoscopes.
  • I would need a major confidence booster. In most of the areas of my life, I’m pretty confident. Pregnancy, childbearing, and motherhood was a death wish in my teens, 20’s and most of my life. I watched cousins become moms too young or before they were ready and it wrecked their lives. It’s secretly terrifying to me. I told my friends and family that they would need to give me the best confidence boosters they can think of. This is the exact reason why I admire my friends and family that been through pregnancy or currently going through it so much. Me in that position I would be scared to death.

Did you make it this far? What a trooper. Thanks for reading. Happy Easter. Make it a great day!

It’s 2021 🔥🙌

If you like what you’ve read, please recommend it so others can read it as well. Please tell me what you want me to write about here!

Interested in having my Medium stories sent to your inbox? Sign up here!

Interested in what I done? Check out my LinkedIn profile I barely use lol. I’ll update it to add the new current businesses I’m working on one of these days.

Howdy! Entrepreneurship, fitness, music, acting, real estate, tequila & investing is sexy. Idea for an article? Suggestions wanted! https://bit.ly/AleshasTribe