Fitness Competition Lessons

June was a crazy month.

Happy 4th! If you want to wait until Monday to read this and enjoy your holiday, go ahead.

Between the family emergencies/issues, deaths, crazy gig schedules, this fitness competition has been a God send. According to my “love pattern,” my stoic nature helps me maintain my cool even if my life is f*****.

But I also attribute a lot of my level headedness to working out and pushing my body to the absolute limit (even if it is borderline crazy).

To stay busy, I released a song and I booked a gig at the same time of this fitness competition. Crazy timing.

(By the way, I’m still in the competition and you can totally vote for me to attempt to make the top 5)

When nothing else works out in my life (this goes for school, friendships, dreams, goals, etc), the one consistent area has been fitness.

At the time of this writing, I’m #9. Genuinely surprised that I made it to the top 15 and advanced into top 10 period. No matter what happens, I’m happy I made it this far and will DEFINITELY enter more fitness competitions.

Here’s what I learned from competing in this particular “Ms Health And Fitness.”

As someone who feels weird if I miss a workout (it’s so ingrained in my routine.) I don’t know why I didn’t start entering more fitness competitions sooner.

I’ve met so many people through various competitions (outside of fitness) and all around the world from nearby expos that meeting people I otherwise wouldn’t have met. The guys are hotties too (that’s a bonus). But seriously I’m respectful, and try to have conversation just to get to know someone, no matter what the view looks like.

All respect to the poster and the women commenting but…. why are we out here consistently choosing to support our partners and our relationships over our life dreams and careers when men would never and rarely do the same? You rarely see men staying behind to stay with their girlfriends or not taking up certain opportunities because it could change or break the relationship. It is not our faults as it is how society has trained us to be- that we must give up everything we truly want in order to support the man, but come ON we have to start living for ourselves and not our relationships. I am in a loving relationship with the man of my dreams but I know in my mind that my life goal is to live and teach abroad in Costa Rica while his dream is to live in a big city in the US, like Atlanta. I enjoy the time with him now as much as I can but when the time comes when our futures separate into different pathways, we will either figure it out or we won’t. But options do NOT include giving up on my dreams. Women have been taught to make men and relationships their whole lives or value them over their own personal identity, goals and dreams while men have been taught to always consider themselves and their goals and careers first, using these social roles to their advantage as they know women often drop everything to support them. I know this is a lot but I am only 21 years old and it makes me SICK to my stomach to see women (my age especially) so consistently dropping everything they dream of in life in order to feed into their male partners dreams. We have to start changing the way we are.

For plenty of reasons, like you I don’t want to give someone else my time/energy, I want to work on myself without the pressure to be someone for another person. I’m also not impressed with the men in my hometown, they only seem to be looking for someone who’s gonna be a housewife (which is fine if you want that), but I cannot and will not be that because I don’t want kids and I am career-focused.

For the first time, the focus was on fitness. Not on who swiping up on Tinder. It’s finally refreshing to be in an environment where those kinds of questions isn’t asked. I felt amazing.

As I made my way around to get support, a question popped up that stopped me dead in my tracks in one of my Facebook groups:

There’s something that’s holding you back from being the best you. What do you think that is?

My honest and blunt response 1: (the most honest I ever been publicly in years): Fear of being vulnerable, traumas, past hurts, and avoiding love like the plague. (My trust has been violated on more than one occasion and I rather not let most people get too close to me, because letting people in too many times has been hurtful).

One response: thank you for being so honest. I can 100% understand your concern about letting just anyone in. It’s difficult. It really is. Those moments have set you up for something much greater. What did you learn from the experience? Has it helped you see what types of people you don’t want in your life? Has it helped you see what types of people could be in your life? Some people are really genuine and loving. It’s taking your past experiences and using them to become a better you. It’s okay to not let people in but trust yourself enough to take a chance. You’ll be surprised to see how many amazing people are actually out there. (Due to trust and privacy within the group no names).

I think Acshettle would be proud of me for being this vulnerable. I remembered your advice, and took it. (I don’t know if this will lead to another future scorching or not, so help me God.)

My honest and blunt response 2: Appreciate this love. I have friends that I’m close friends with but that took years, (and generally when it comes to friendships I thread lightly lol, not gonna tell a gossip queen my deepest secrets, you know what I mean?). And I won’t lie, I like animals way better than I like people. I got burned several times before and one time it put me in a really bad financial and hurtful situation for trusting the wrong peeps. So nowadays I keep myself busy with my fitness competitions, filming, music, creating multiple businesses and flying under the radar. And decided to not depend on anyone (no guys either lol), especially financially, in that way again. I took a relationship assessment a few weeks ago and got the protective pattern, which basically means I rather be on my own because being vulnerable cost too much damage. That assessment was damn accurate to a T. P.S. Being the only child growing and loving my alone time, I like people best when I’m in a training dojo in Japan and I can observe at a distance (really at a distance). Nature for weeks at a time works too. Just keeping it real with you.

Second response: There’s nothing bad about what you’ve done. In fact, the fact that you’re keeping so active is an indication that you’ve found something that helps you move forward. I love my alone time as well. It’s the most freeing. It’s crazy how accurate those assessments are too.

What I will say is that you could have chosen to use what people have done to you and feel down but instead you used it to find a new appreciation for life. You’re one with nature, keeping fit and doing things that you love. I’m proud of you and thank you so much for sharing.

P.S: Life is very unexpected. You might find a handful of people you really love. There might be some areas that didn’t work out before but know that if you’re enjoying life right now which by the sound of it, you are, your life is going to continue to get more amazing.

Keep doing you and being amazing!

My Blunt and honest 3rd Response: Hey, another single girly here (who plans on being a lifetime singleton, that’s another story tho lmfao)! I second! Please don’t leave us behind if we love to see you happy and support your relationship. I’m the single holdout amongst many of my married and expecting friends. While I keep in touch with a few close ones, many of them dropped me when they got into relationships. The ones I do see? I miss not seeing them as much, but I understand too that priorities change, they won’t have the time for me like they used to, and as long as they are happy, I’m happy for them.

I also totally get once you’re in a healthy, committed relationship (even married) single men are no longer going to have the same ideals as a male with s/o (significant others). Single women are not going to have the same ideals. Once in a committed relationship or marriage you start thinking about different things (future, goals not just including yourself, and what you truly want out of life), and you more in likely will have more in common with other couple friends (and may even prefer to spend more time with your couple friends, because they understand why you want to hang out with your person and why you talk about your person all the time, whereas your single friends like me ).

As a singleton, I’ve personally found that don’t have to be the exact same as all of my friends — I have college friends, coworkers, couple friends, high school friends (more like cousins tho), blogging friends, acting friends, entrepreneur friends, older friends are all very different, very different paths, stages in life and I love that. Some are in relationships, some I’m only friends with one partner, others I’m friends with both. With my friendships, I’m flexible.

And to be fully transparent, I still go out, but I also have other interests like hiking, traveling, martial arts, eating, working out, spending time alone, etc. I also have friends who have different interests and in different stages of their lives so we find a middle ground. So my friends that still want to go out, we go out. If they hate the bars and are over the club phrase, we find other things to do outside the nightlife.

My Unique Gift (according to an assessment I did, I posted the whole thing in an article. ):

Your often stoic nature allows you to smooth out rough waters and allow cooler heads to prevail. You don’t get hurt very often anymore, and you feel quite safe from drama and pain.

And as you realize more and more that facing down your fears and going for what you REALLY want doesn’t mean being taken advantage of, you can allow your inner light to shine, and quality men will be drawn to you.

You want to remain open to love but protect yourself emotionally: not a bad idea, right? Honor your sensitive self. Appreciate your steady-headed nature. You are loyal and kind, and once you give your love to someone, he is the luckiest guy in the world, because you are “all in”!

That fear has had you avoiding taking your love life more seriously and instead has kept you focused on your career and familial obligations. Love does not equal pain.

The risk of getting hurt again is something you feel in your heart very deeply. You’ve set up your life now where it is hard to let someone in.

Nourishing to your soul in places and to depths that you haven’t touched in quite some time.

At this time, I still feel safer keeping most at arms length. I’m almost embarrassed to admit how vulnerable I got.

It was terrifying.

I’m initially thinking: Strangers have the capacity to do the same things people have done before. Wtf am I thinking to put myself in this vulnerable position yet again? Want to get embarrassed and experience the loss of stability, loss of a dream, and

I don’t think people will ever understand the degree of harsh and cruel consequences I dealt with for being vulnerable because I don’t whine, complain or play victim. Nor do I expect them to or care unless they were in the position. Lets put it this way, I rather be in a homeless shelter than impose, (that’s why I spent so much time volunteering in them to get used to the environment provided if I had to deal with that. And yes, I learned that being a homeless lady has it’s own unique set of challenges, and safety issues.). My mom basically mentioned to me how my relatives and family members alike would treat me if she wasn’t around. Look at what happens and how many of them gossip about other family members when they ask for help. Expect that to escalate (unless you got a understanding with a few of your cuzzos I suppose.) And when she goes, brace yourself. You will be on your own, no matter how much they say they “got you. ” I got that no one would really care and most would only reach out to get something they want. Got it. I still love them of course, but I already know.

If needed I will be going to a shelter instead of asking loved ones for help. No matter how much good intentions my loved ones say about helping, I don’t want to impose. (Why do you think I spend so much time busing my ass for multiple income streams? It’s only me and gonna only be me in the foreseeable future.) Just being honest. My strength in my friendships is I’m very good at giving people their space, and I don’t plan on changing that. The same people/friends/whatnot who complain that I don’t hang out with them enough are the same people that would probably not give me a couch to sleep on if I needed if I ever needed it. Or still, gossip and would talk about me to others, instead of being a genuine help. (I’ve seen the worst in people lol). Yeah I miss you, I really do. I got to take care of business, because no one is gonna do it for me. You see me when you see me homies.

I understand that quote about not being so busy earning a living that you forget to make a life, but the reality is no one’s gonna take care of you for free, a guy is not gonna give you something for nothing, and having enough experiences trusting people and getting burned, I’m not risking relying on people like that ever again.

(Speaking of not relying on people, not going to do it even for a free trip. I told some of the girls this, but I was invited to Cancun by a guy. I haven’t seen him and talked to him in years. I’m not interested in him romantically and I don’t want him getting the wrong idea. Guys generally don’t do something for nothing, and declined without hesitation. I rather travel with people I trust, plan something with the girls, and not look over my shoulder over the constant fear of being raped, touched or disappear not to be seen or heard from again. I want to travel, but I’m not that desperate to travel, holy shit.)

And if I change my mind about kids, I got sperm donors who are interested and look like my apparent “type” (EVEN THOUGH I CLEARLY STATED THAT I WAS ONLY THERE TO RESEARCH FOR FUTURE ME if I change my mind, even though I said I was team child free in the post, still had tons of messages about future sperm donors despite.)

I will find ways to touch myself for the time being, even if I have to resort to a damn vibrator to do so lol. (I know T.M.I lmfao). My film schedule, recording sessions (and soon to be filled up with fitness competitions) keeps me off the radar and away from the cupids lol. Plus with the 30 day mediations and training in Japan dojos, I’ll be scot free. Airplane mode also works wonders. (Air plane mode is actually my personal 10th wonder of the world).

Just off record I don’t considered myself “healed" and never will be. You can’t unsee bad things and see people in the same way. You learn to deal with it and take each day as it comes. And learn coping mechanisms. And I personally stay so busy filling up my schedule. I don’t sit for too long.

I’ve written plenty of articles on haters, people not wanting you to do well, etc. And these are very real. Some people are on your social media watching and waiting to see you fail, and say “haha, that’s what you get for trying to do something different.”

A while ago, a Facebook friend asked why people were leaving his Facebook

His friend said the best thing I’ve seen in a while.

“I’ve noticed people who are not happy with my success tend to drop off my page all the time. Some feel that I’m bragging or showing off when I’m not. You have had some really good things happening and you would be surprised how many people are really on your page to watch you fail so when you are doing well they leave. Let them go it means they were never your friends to start with…”

Another one from a long time entrepreneur friend (and I seriously might make a part II to add this quote on to it, we will see).

There’s something consistent about those who succeed and those who flounder. I’m always amazed at how many people I talk to actively stop other people in their life from succeeding. From tearing apart their ideas, to subtly making them doubt themselves, to open attack, to refusing to support, to sabotaging, and on.

As I listen I notice this most in the middle class and again in the almost poverty level. It’s like the flame inside them went out, hopelessness took over and they want to make sure no one does what they feel they should have done once upon a time.

Here’s a refresher. If you want to make it you have walk into it strong enough to handle the storm from those closest to you or around you. They aren’t going to understand. They aren’t going to cheer you on. They aren’t going to believe it’s even possible when it is.

YOU have to be the light. The leader. The path clearer. The brave one to go first. And I know this, you can do it and so much more because your interest in growing is a calling not a passing phase. Keep moving forward.-Tab Calvitti

But this fitness competition showed me a rare different side of people that I haven’t seen in a while. I was genuinely surprised that I made the top 10.

I’ve done a lot of reaching out. Also, I’ve seen people post about voting for me during this competition more than I’ve seen in the past.

I believe that anyone who gets ANGRY at another person’s success is LIVING IN SCARCITY themselves, because WHAT YOU SEE IN ME is simply a REFLECTION OF YOU.⁣

And I believe that anyone who gets EXCITED at another person’s success is LIVING IN ABUDANCE themselves, because WHAT YOU SEE IN ME is simply a REFLECTION OF YOU.⁣

And so if you can look at me and be happy, that means that there’s abundance inside of you, you think you can do it.⁣

If you look at me and get angry, it means that there’s scarcity inside of you, you don’t think you can do it.⁣

It’s simple you guys — clap for other people. Lift each other up. A rising tide lifts all ships.⁣

Make it a habit to be the loudest cheerleader and watch as your own life unfolds with more success #DOMINATE-BMarkFit

If you don’t want me to be the best that I can be, then you’re not my best friend., Kevin Gates, https://www.instagram.com/p/CQeBWxTHk7r/

I’ve noticed every time I share an acting gig, I get a ton of likes on it on Facebook, like this is my true tribe on Facebook of my personal friends that come out to support.

Thank you frands (friends) for challenging my beliefs that people isn’t that supportive, for years I’ve had people do outrageous things to kick me down and to keep me from being successful. It’s nice to see people actually support you and genuinely mean it. And actually stick by your side through the good, bad and downright ugly. The beginning of June there was a lot on my plate with losing people and family issues, but the ending of June, beginning of July was a breath of fresh air.

It’s 2021 🔥🙌

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