The Journey To Becoming A Hermit
Dear Alesha,
The truth is we outgrow those who don’t appreciate us.
Those who are okay with our absence.
Those who allow the distance between us and them to grow.
We outgrow those who make us feel like we’re replaceable.
The truth is we outgrow those who aren’t genuine with us.
Those who say things they don’t mean.
Those who talk the talk but can’t walk the walk when we need them beside us.
Those who only like a certain side of us but don’t want to accept all other sides.
Those who don’t care about our wants and needs because they’re too busy focusing on their own.
We outgrow those who make us feel like we’re not worth their time or effort.
Those who are capable of giving so much more but choose to be stingy with us.
Those who put us last on their list of properties.
We outgrow those who are lazy with us.
Those who take two steps backward every time we move one step forward.
The truth is we reach a point where we know who we are, what we want and what we deserve and we’re not willing to go back to selling ourselves short again.
We’re not willing to repeat the same vicious cycle of handing out our hearts to those who don’t know how to catch them.
The truth is we reach a point where our self-love trumps any other love.
We choose ourselves even when people don’t choose us.
The truth is we outgrow those who show us that they’re not invested.
That they don’t want to try.
We outgrow those who treat us like a pit stop until they find what they’re looking for.
We outgrow those who don’t make us feel like they’re glad they found us.
We outgrow those who don’t value us the way we want to be valued.
The truth is we’re capable of giving someone we love the world but all we need is the reassurance that they won’t abuse it, that our hearts are secure with them, that they won’t turn into another lie or another mistake.
The truth is we outgrow those who don’t know how to love us and we save our love for those who fall as hard as we do and catch us if we fall faster.
We outgrow those who tell us everything we need to hear but show us nothing.
We outgrow those who don’t love us because it took us years to learn how to love ourselves and we’re not ready to ruin that by being with people who make us question who we are or if we’re worthy of their love.
The truth is we outgrow those who aren’t afraid of losing us because they’ll never truly understand who we are and what kind of love we’re seeking.
They’ll never truly see us the way we want to be seen.
I sincerely hope that you are with someone or will find someone who will love you and value you for who you are.
With all my love,
Angela Carter
Beloved Angela,
Someone on Twitter asked this question.
ARE YOU CURRENTLY WITH THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE?
Yes ma’am I sure am!
My dog is my soulmate.
After that there’s this goat I’m talking to but lowkey I’m trying to keep that engagement quiet just in case it don’t work out.
I don’t think people understand. I no longer look for happiness in relationships, I look for it in myself. I find that I’m better off on my own. I’m a loner with friends. I will come out of my nature habitat every once in a while to hang, but I like listening to my hindu music surrounded with animals. It’s quite peaceful.
One too many times I did let people care it led to nothing but pain and torture. So I tell you what. I decided to be my own hero and be that person for myself. If someone comes along fine, but I don’t spend my days overly looking. I’m content with being on my own for the rest of my life. Some women die for men’s attention, I’m the complete opposite. I wish I can go out and be left alone, and not have to think about all the things I have to do to stay safe. To put your destiny into someone else’s hands has been the worst decision of my life, and I will never truly ever trust someone in this capacity in the same way again. I will get in relationship with a goat, chicken and buffalo when I have 20 income streams. Right now, I’m not at that number and I’m currently handling an entanglement with both a goat and chicken.
I’m currently dealing with a major health crisis. In fact several. I gotta have surgeries again.
But I’ve been spending a lot of time in nature mediating prepping myself for surgeries.
Listening to my hindu music. I’m in the process of being a hermit, at least part of the year. I asked a close family member to help on a situation. Out of all my friends, 2 helped. I asked as an experiment to see if I could get help if I asked, which makes me highly uncomfortable and puts me way outside my comfort zone. I don’t mind helping others, but hate owing people money.
When my back was turned, I found that the situation got worst. I’m like the ever living fuck. What are you waiting on. I had to deal with the situation while juggling several family funerals. And a favorite distant relative had 3 strokes. I’m hoping he makes a full recovery, because if something happens to him, I won’t be talking with that side ever again. They are nothing but trouble and gossip queens. My aunt and his aunt are best friends, so unfortunately despite my stance, I get this creepy feeling they will be prying information from my auntie.
I had to come out of 30 day mediation, my hidden location outside of Indiana to see to it that it was taken care of. I have to start my mediation challenge all over again, which pisses me off. I was closing in on the 30 day mark, and I want to spend 3 months in the woods undisturbed. My computer is broke and my signal is bad. I get in touch with mom. I’m trying to calm my nerves before surgeries, because they gave me the low down and I’m like shit, you telling me I may not be able to workout for 6 to 8 weeks again? I hate micromanaging like this, but I’ve learned that if you don’t do it yourself a lot of times it won’t get done. I’m not even asking them to do it like me, I just honestly asked to see if I could trust someone outside myself, and once again disappointed. I hate to get this way, but I’m almost to the point where I have to be my own help.
A relative said you’re too cute to be single. After I told her marriage and kids are not for me. It’s insane to get into something based on what you do or don’t look like. I will not trust anyone’s word to say they will help me. If someone else makes the suggestion that I go to a church community one more time, I will scream. I will not lol, some of the worst people I met came from church (not saying or suggesting all church going folks are bad, but at this time I want to keep my distance, I’ll let you know if that changes, but for now no). If I listened to what everyone in the world wanted me to be/do, no telling how fucked up I would be. I’m listening to myself and my gut instinct. I don’t want to be bothered in this way. I will have friends, treat people the way I want to be treated, but also have my own peaceful retreat to go to to get away from the craziness in this world. Team keep my distance.
On October 1st, 2021, I met a fellow auntie.
In other words, I won’t go on based on what people say they will do. I know my limits on what I will deal with on a day to day basis. Even if I’m unhappy, I want others to be successful and happy around me. I’m not a jealous type, and I don’t project. Tearing people down won’t build you up, and I use the successful to learn from, not be jealous of. BUT I DO HAVE MY LIMITS on what I will deal with in my personal space. When it comes to painful things, I need to stop when I’m ahead, and this is me stopping the madness and damn hamster wheel. I’m cutting it off. Vulnerability is a kind of sword that you freely give to someone else, you are practically giving another human an opportunity to deeply wound you. Unless I can trust you, and you have a proven record of keeping your trap closed, I will be very choosy with who I choose to share things with. Like the saying goes, don’t cast your pearls before the swine. Because at the end of the day, I have to live with my decisions, not them. To all those who seek husbands, go for it yourselves and leave me be lol. I’ve made peace with my decision.
So no, I will not put myself in a situation where I’m not sure if I can rely on the people around me. I can still love people (at a distance preferred) but trusting won’t come as easily for me. I’m totally team Hermit Aunty. No, it starts, begins, and ends with me. If I can’t do it myself, I will not take other’s word like this like I have many times before. If I don’t have the solutions or financial means myself, I will not put myself in the hell hole or slaughter house on purpose. My legacies are my cousins and friends. You all make me proud and I’m living it all vicariously through you at a major distance (I prefer Japan distance, but due to pandemic, Death Valley will due). :D If you ever see me kissing toliet seats at your local In and Out because I decided to start working around hamburgers, please come say hello, don’t be shy…
With all my love,
Hermit Alesha :D
