How To Thrive As A Loner
(Since I can’t find an article that satisfies the soul, I’ll write it)
History. We all start somewhere.
I remember back in 6th grade, one of my friends at the time decided to turn the whole class against me. 8th grade was a hellish year. I’m not the jealous and gossipy type, and we always clashed. They were super jealous and I was not.
Throughout the years, people kept doing cruel things to violate my trust. When people display toxic traits, they are showing you who they are.
These people know what they are doing, and they are choosing to be this way.
Like this lady, I learned not to trust people. And became the person that I was looking for in other people.
I have a lot of life experiences that shows me better than I can ever be told that I’m better off as a lone wolf. (A lone wolf with my Peterson clan and my trusted peeps, but I just want to say I love my solitude.)
Lately, as I get my breakthroughs?
People have been kissing my butt more than usual because I’m growing my YouTube(s) and became a sponsored athlete (especially the YouTube omg). They are treating me like I parted the red sea, calling me all kinds of nice names. However I have to draw the line at being called a god or saint. WTF. I’m not. Come on people seriously? I believed in what I didn’t see for years. I got used to people talking about me like a dog. I decided the path that was set for me when I was younger was no longer for me. I didn’t let the negative self doubts and hate that you projected on me get next to me. I let it be fuel and motivation to become a beautiful beast, as Beyonce said in her quote.
I decided a long time ago to make a plan or two, instead of dwelling on it and talking about it all the time. Here’s the plan that’s happening before your very eyes.
This is a YouTube success secret that’s too long for an Instagram reel or even a Tik Tok. I really had to distance myself from people at different periods of my life, because they didn’t understand what I was trying to do.
Here’s my guide on how to thrive as a loner, when you take the road less traveled. Some of this will be my life experiences, and others I will drop advice.
It does appear it’s just happening left and right out of no where right for me? First YouTube, now other platforms?
Yo, I do curse in this family, so if you rather have in person conversations instead, let me know. Expect typos too. I make a lot of mistakes in this. Maybe a few run on sentences. I do give a shoutout to cousins in point 16a. This is long, you don’t have to read all of this. Some parts may resonate with you better than others. This is my YouTube success secret that’s too long for a Instagram reel. Go head and scroll down to 16a loves and we can chat later.
People are asking me how I’m doing it, and here’s my answers to those questions.
I’m not going to make an article like this again. I’m going to say the shit once, then go on and live my life. And be ok with being misunderstood.
Without further delay.
Here’s my journey on how I did it. And some of it ain’t pretty or glamourous.
Here’s a go to guide on how to thrive as a loner, if life happens to swing that way for you.
#1. I stopped looking for what’s not there.
I love that my friends and family feel like they have support. To have people to pull you through the hard times. But what if it wasn’t there? For me it wasn’t for years. I noticed when my first round of friends died (and it happened in 3s), no one was around. I was always baffled as to why people seemed to show up for others, but wouldn’t give me a dime.
Are people waiting for me to fall on my face and make fun of me? I had something like that happen to me in my grade school years. People’s absence and silence was a very familiar thing to me. And on some level I’m used to people not saying anything.
I remember when my first friend passed away from suicide. I was not prepared for all the things my body did. I felt like I was getting hit to the stomach all the time. It hurt so badly losing them. (It happened more than once at school in different circles, I didn’t know how to handle all of this being thrown at me as a 19 year old, 21 year old, and in my early twenties.)
I lost it. I wasn’t eating or sleeping much. Threw up more times than I could count. My heart was racing. A elephant-like feeling on my chest was the tip of the iceberg.
I started seeing life differently.
Despite that.
I’m someone who doesn’t require or want to require much, just an occasional “hey are you ok” from friends. And no I’m not the kind to always say what’s on my mind all the time, sometimes I just wanted someone to sit in silence with me. Not have all the answers, either, because sometimes there’s no explanation. Because here’s the thing. It’s not about me. I do not like to burden others, and get that people have their own problems to deal with. The last thing I want to do is put more on your plate. Despite all that happening to me, I just dealt with it.
Then I realized two things. I was seen as the strong person. People figured “hey she got this.”
They have an unusually high pain tolerance. As it turns out, his /her pain tolerance for blunt force blows is abnormally high.
There are times when you have to be your own armor. There were times when you have to defend your own self when you were little because no one was there to protect you — to hug you. You have become your own little princess and have put a crown on yourself because no one has done that for you. You have built your own shell — hard enough to not let anything crush you.
We fail to realize how much we value them and this needs to change, because these individuals come with support and kindness that you will never be able to find in anyone else.
You will never find someone that makes you smile as much as this person, or who makes you laugh as hard.
And that’s because they understand what it feels like to grow through pain, and what it feels like to break into millions of pieces.
They will never judge you for how you’re feeling, or the situation that you’re going through. You won’t ever hear them complain that you’re venting to them for the third time this week.
And that’s because they get it, they’ve been there.
They may not have been in your exact situation, but please believe me, they understand where you’re coming from, and what pain feels like.
The tears that you hold back in front of others, and have hidden with a smile, the breakdowns that you’ve had while sitting on the floor in your bathroom.
They’ve been there, they’ve done that. They understand that pain and they don’t want you to feel it.
I didn’t want any of my people to feel it. I did not want anyone to feel like I did in school for years. There’s a heavy weight I’ve been carrying for years, and I didn’t want anyone else to go down that road. Us strong ones are called to this. (I’ve also had friends pass away from suicide also after going through similar things. I’m alive, quite a few of them are not. It’s not easy.)
I didn’t and will not say.
“Hey, pay attention to me. I’m hurting here.” I was and usually spend time just trying to participate, show up and live life. It comes with a high price. Usually us strong ones suffer in silence.
But what most people didn’t see. I’m the friend in the situations. I’m not a mental health professional. I was not equipped nor could I handle what was thrown at me. But then I saw what my role is/was, and just bit the bullet.
And the help came with too many strings attached when I realized this is all way above my paygrade. On a few occasions, I was caught in a vulnerable state and whew. I caught hell for it. I was thinking at those times, oh Alesha honey, we cannot do this again. You were stupid for trusting these people. STUPID.
Despite what this article said, I allowed it to happen for too long and trusted some of the people around me at the time, and they ended up being the wrong people. I stuck around the situations because they tell you, keep going. Hang on a little bit longer. Sometimes, there is strength in letting go. Trusting them was a mistake. I just like to call it as I see it.
What made it worst is between people at the school doctors’ office telling me it was all in my head. Between not being believed. People dogging me out. So called friends reaching out to other friends, but not reaching out to see if I was good. My friends passing away was painful but how people treated me on top of that was hard to ignore.
What grew out of this is a person who has gotten used to figuring out things on my own without any help (the only one I trust is my mom, after that I won’t ask, I learned the hard way it’s better to suffer in silence than get judged, ridiculed, and hog tied). People say it’s ok to ask for help, but when I did many times in my life? I got burned, talked about, torched; left high and dry. Loss everything. I don’t mind helping others, but I proceed with caution when it comes to accepting help. I learned my limits. I don’t think people will ever begin to understand how bad it got, because I didn’t complain, whine like a b****, or tell anyone. Because I didn’t realize I was an empath, I just absorbed it. And got good at compartmentalization. This is the one area where I take the old school approach.
And oh, I’ve given people many chances. People make mistakes.
And when people show you they don't mean sorry, they keep doing the same behavior that caused you harm.
And to me at that point it isn’t worth it.
Girl, when you find a sister in someone who is not blood, keep her.
Boy, when you find a brother in someone who is not blood, keep him.
Loners, this will be harder for us to come by. I’m just going to say what’s on my mind here. The help that freely comes to others doesn’t come to you as easily. Ossianna calls it a lonely island failure. I just call it the person that people overlook. As she pointed out in her article, she noticed that people didn’t want to support her in the ways they freely supported others. And I’m not saying you won’t find your people because you pick up a person or two here and there. But know it may be several years before they enter your life, and when they do? Don’t take them for granted. If they never do? You know you are on your own. I concluded that I was and still am seen as the strong one in my various circles. No one cares and no one notices. I just realized my strong person role years ago and plan on going through the hard seasons alone. You usually find that people can trust you with their secrets, but you can’t trust them with yours. Sounds familiar fellow strong people?
P.S. I found myself di**** over by employers, and find that I’m better off solo. Acting is an exception, along with playing bad football and still getting paid. See the Colts 2022–2023 season for more details. (The Colts is my first team….and what an adventure y’all Colts players been putting us on in Colts Nation these past few years.)
I walked the path of grief on my own for years before solid people came into my life. Fellow Loners, you were given this path for a reason, because you are strong enough to handle it. In this world where they say people need each other? For many years, people wasn’t there.
#2. You have to be really good at bouncing back from when people do shitty things to you, on your own.
You have to become a specialist at making lemonade out of lemons. And leave the world wondering how you did it.
When people attack, you got to learn the art of using it as a tool to grow. You have to learn the art of using it as fuel and motivation.
Each attack that people throw at you? Use it as promotion.
You have to learn how to be a pro at adversity, and be used to it, like me.
I have had so many people in my life pass away, that the stuff that people try/tried to do to destroy me? I’m used to it and it doesn’t even surprise me anymore. I just make it a point to have a catcher’s mitt, catch the bricks that people use to throw at me and build empires. Bring it on and good luck, may they find the biggest bricks. Because the bigger the bricks they throw? The bigger the empire I will build with it.
I have a lot of people crawling out of the woodwork from my past having to eat their words. Especially after my YouTube and my sponsored athlete status. (There’s a few more things in the works, I’m not saying yet, I specialize in the element of surprise. The Rising Creator On Facebook bit is the tip of the iceberg. I love to move in silence and not announce things prematurely).
Lets be honest. These people never really supported me, but all of sudden, they want to pretend that they were always there. And hop on the bandwagon day 600. I’ve had to have several for real talks lately. And the conversations ain’t me throwing up in their face, but some hard truths that needed to be addressed.
I made a group of reels on Instagram (aleshampeterson) and I encourage you to go look if you are interested. I also uploaded all of them on Tik Tok under petersonalesha.
My mindsets that got me those things were taught to me outside of school.
P.S. I still take a shit like everyone else. I’m going to say this a couple times in this article to make sure it sticks. Please stop calling me a YouTube god lol. Or a saint. I’m just a person who’s getting more used to figuring out life’s challenges on her own.
And about the sponsored athlete thing…I’ve noticed more guys adding me and getting more DMs. Even the Tik Tok comments are getting ridiculous. I appreciate the support, because I definitely celebrate it. But at the same time I need everyone to chill out and keep it in it’s proper perspective like I do. My goodness. (Some of the guys act like I got drafted in the WNBA….lol. I’m not putting any jerseys on. Fitness is a huge part of my life and the gym is one of my besties. See 3a…And I find that their Superfood supplements help me feel better. See the chronic illness section, 12…I’m just happy to find people on my same wavelength. It’s literally one of the best things that’s happened to me in a long time. I appreciate the support, but the guys in my DMs especially are making it a big deal, and it’s really not..)
It’s not special, tons of people do their thing everyday. The unsung people that go unrecognized and walk past you down the street everyday. There’s a lot of people like me that does things on their own, and don’t get any praise. Sometimes they call them soloprenuers.
2a. I focus on my strengths and have a strategy I work for my social media.
I’m not accepting any auditions or doing anything music related at this time. I’m to the point where I will pass on acting roles to other people. I have to get really creative because I’m not feeling that great nowadays, so I decided to switch my strategy.
Let’s pretend for a sec I got an upcoming procedure. I got 2 weeks, it’s crunch time. Or I’m feeling like I’m getting stabbed like the high heavens (check out the chronic illnesses section).
Here’s what I did and usually do.
Monday. Record 25 videos or more for this channel.
Tuesday. Record 25 videos or more for this channel.
Wednesday. Record 25 videos or more for this channel.
And so on.
If there’s a day I’m not feeling so hot, I pull from my 2020 and 2021 videos.
Over time, doing this I started to get a catalog of videos for each channel.
I got 5 solid YouTube channels that I believe will hit all my goals at some point. I noticed at the bare bones minimum high engagement. Some channels needs some work. And I added Tik Toks with each one.
I scheduled them out. And then I recorded more and scheduled those out.
Over time with doing this.
I recorded over 4,117 videos. Let’s just say I got 20 channels. (I’ll reveal how many I got in the future, I’m keeping that under a lid for a bit, I love the element of surprise. I got several niches and businesses that will compliment my music and acting especially if it gets to a point where I can’t do music and acting anymore).
4117 divided by 20.
I got around 205 videos for each channel. I can schedule these out. Or at least uploaded them and publish them when I’m ready.
I do have unpublished content from 2020 and 2021 I have not published yet. I can pull from these if I need to in a pinch.
I’ve set myself up so I can be prepared for any and all scenarios. I think ahead a little bit, and try to figure out ways to push my work ethic even more.
Sometimes, I’ll record many videos and put them aside for a later date.
I also look at when videos on my channels perform best after uploading them. I found the 2:00 am to 5:00 am slot, and the 10:00 am to 1:00 pm does best on some channels. Others? I post on weekends and that does well.
It depends.
Even my nurse once said, you can rest. I’m sure they will understand your situation.
Well true. But my audience can go somewhere else if I all of sudden decide to start and stop, start and stop, start and stop. In that scenario, my inconsistency would lose people. There’s people out there that’s posting consistently. I use the arm that’s not hooked up to machines/drawn blood out of and work.
Advice. I’ve gotten used to working under pressure and in pain sometimes. It’s not going to happen because I wish for it to. Sometimes I have to upload over night many nights to make sure my social media is consistent for the future.
2b. I had to become someone new.
Some people may not understand that you’ve changed and can do things in a way that you had not done before.
Don’t let other’s opinions define you. Do what you have to do because it’s right for who you’ve become.
Of course some parts of the Alesha that some of my school friends know is still there.
However, I had to become someone new to do some of the things I’m doing today. I’m not the same person. I had to take on new identities, and learn how to operate in a whole different realm that most won’t understand. A lot of things happened to me, but I flipped it on top of it’s head. (I do understand why so many people act the way they do or have attitudes due to their circumstances and backgrounds.). I had to seek out my own ways to be successful in my own way(s).
I’m not gonna explain it. I’m just going to do it and leave people wondering how I do it.
Some of my loved ones are trying to square the old me with the new me and realize some things are different.
Yup.
And one more thing that Creating Wonders pointed out.
People are quick to notice when you’re acting differently. But what they fail to notice, is what they did to start making you act this way.
2b. Don’t expect people to try and understand where you are coming from. (Trigger Warning)
I say a little bit more below, but don’t expect people to care.
I think people thought I was playing when I said I was going to make changes, which included becoming a fan of the Indiana Hoosiers. For years, I was rooting for someone else. I was treated so badly that I switched. People mistake my kindness for weakness so much they were surprised I actually went through with it.
Yes, I know a lot of people say a lot of things and don’t follow through. But I’m one of the ones that actually follows through.
Why are you rooting for them?
I tried making it work for the place in question for many years, and it didn’t work. Instead of being unhappy for other people’s sake, I decided to not live for others anymore. Walking away from everything I once knew was for the best.
If anyone watches Chicago fire. Imagine losing people in tragic ways like this over and over and over again.
For the second one, they give you a trigger warning on YouTube. As they should. When I first watched it, I would have loved to see that trigger warning. I love that Chicago Fire had a suicide prevention episode. Instead of committing suicide, I wish people would say passing away from suicide though. I talk about that in another post. I got to be honest, when I watched these two episodes, it reminded me of my bad college experiences over again, and losing people as recently as 2023 over again. As if it was happening to me again in this very moment. It was a reminder that like the characters I wasn’t able to save all my friends. Gallo and Violet really did try.
When you go through enough traumatizing things, it’s sometimes best to start fresh and new somewhere else. And people won’t understand and people don’t care to understand your why. Don’t explain yourself, just do it.
It’s amazing to me how people expect me to stay in a bad or abusive situation for appearances sake. I did it for my own good. Becoming a Hoosier fan hasn’t been easy and it’s a huge adjustment. It’s apart of my lone wolf journey.
Advice. People don’t care what’s happening with you nor should you expect them too. (If you find a rare gem that you feel safe opening up to, ok. But expect most people, 9 out of 10 not to care.) When you make changes for your happiness, expect people to be taken by surprise. Expect people to sometimes try to pull you back to the old you, because the new you may make them uncomfortable. They may even miss the old you and actually can’t believe you went through with it. Stay the course, and eventually they will come around. Even if they don’t come around. STAY THE COURSE. Don’t go back to who you once was to get people to like you again. When you make it clear that what you put up with in the past is no longer going to happen, let people rise to meet you where you are currently at.
Be prepared to open the door and let people walk out of your life too. Healing yourself can be offensive to people that benefited from your brokeness.
2c. Suffering in silence is the norm.
This could have gone under #1.
But I’ll mention it here.
You’ve been hurt. No, you’ve really been hurt badly. Now you are left in tatters, at your lowest point in life.
You look around in disbelief, wondering what happened. At first, you may have a hard time believing that such a horrible event could have taken place. It is as if you are living in a bizarre dream state where nothing makes sense. People are going on with their lives while you struggle to simply get out of bed and live. You feel like you are on a rollercoaster of numbness and pain.
And when you get to a point where you realize that you must try to pick up the pieces, panic sets in. You ask yourself so many questions. How in the world do you start life over after you have been destroyed? Can you do it when you are damaged or disabled? What is left for you?
You may have been the victim of child abuse or rape. The spouse you loved so much may have beaten you and made you feel insignificant. Your partner of many years could have simply just up and left, leaving you with nothing. Or worse yet, you may have lost someone most precious to murder.-Deborah Schurman-Kauflin
I’m used to being between a rock and a hard place. I don’t talk about it. I was around friends for years and didn’t mention anything to them. I’m also used to bouncing back from life’s challenges on my own.
Just imagine everytime you are around someone. This is going on. That is going on. This is going on.
That is going on.
This is going on.
That is going on.
Every time you are around them, they drain your energy. They suck the life out of you.
I saw friends doing this to other friends, and the way they talked about them behind their back? Sucked. I think those people really could have used someone to talk to, but when their back was turned? Their problems and them was thrown under the bus.
I didn’t want to be a party pooper, and a vampire for my people in my circles, so I didn’t say a word to people. And I don’t.
People did ask a few times, and I said that’s alright.
Then the few times I did? Take a chance, because they say you got to trust someone? I got burnt in ways I can’t describe. I do have my people I trust, and they will tell you it took years, because my steel armor is hard to get through.
Advice. When you are suffering in silence, most won’t notice. Even the people closest to you. People will go on with their lives, and you may struggle to do the simple-basic day to day life things. You might not feel ok lately, you might not want to face today. You might feel so much pain that you feel it all over your body.
For me personally? It’s a matter of not wanting to be a vampire to your loved ones. I list out my whys here, but no one wants to be around someone who drains their energy all the time despite what they said. I remember one time a friend from college was like Why are you expecting me to help you through it? I keep these cruel lessons in mind. If they ask and it’s a safe situation, maybe. Unless the trust is there, I won’t. Generally speaking, I find and observe that expressing pain drives people away (unless you are very lucky to be surrounded by people who care AND are willing to help).
I’ve lost a lot of people at this point. I notice at funerals, especially when a friend passed away from suicide. People feel bad, wishes they saw the signs and wishes they haven’t done it. But when someone is suffering with their mental health that’s still alive? No one cares, no one listens, no one makes the time, and no one believes them. They get accused of being weak and attention seeking. People generally say “stop feeling sorry for yourself”, some people out here have it worst than you, and “stop playing victim.” They claim they care, but what they say and what people do is different. And when it’s too late, they come up with the I could’ves, I would’ves, I should’ves. There is still a big stigma.
Advice 2: You’ll read below and throughout this article why I don’t ask for help. But generally speaking.
Watch out for the people who don’t know how to ask for help. These are the people who always seem good. They are always helpful. They are your biggest supporters. They show you kindness and love you don’t find often. They are the best listeners and naturally caring. However, when they are not good? When they are not ok? They will disappear and ghost everyone. You’ll never know how bad the battles they had to overcome until a long time after where they will casually mention it. Be there for these people, they are used to being the strong one.
Advice 3: I always tell my people if suicide crosses their mind. Just know that I would rather sit for hours, days, weeks, months and even years to be a listening ear to all your problems than have you gone from my life. I love you all. I’ve lost a lot of people this way throughout the years, and it’s painful.
Advice #4.
Ladies, this is for you. Look out for your circles, your girls, your boyfriend/husband/s.o. Even your guys that are friends. (As someone who has a lot of guy friends and lost a lot of guy friends, ladies we gotta look out for our guys).
Fellas, this is for you. Look out for your circles your boys, your wife/girlfriend/s.o. Even your girls that are friends.
I don’t know if this is helpful or not.
But I noticed when friend(s) found friend(s) dead from suicide, they weren’t the same person anymore. This has happened enough times and in more than one circle. I don’t want anyone in my position so at this point I’m trying to be helpful. I can’t save my friends anymore. But hopefully this can help someone.
Reminder. I’m no expert. I’m no mental health professional. I just don’t want people to lose a circle of trusted friends. I don’t want people out there to get treated badly like I have as a result of watching so many people passing away. I don’t want my reality to be your reality.
In fact, just imagine that you have your girls, your crew. Your boys. These people are your future bridemates. They are your groomsmen. These are your girls that you take on your girls trips. This is your boy that every time you in his city, you go see him. Every time he’s in your city, he comes see you. When you start dating someone new, this is the first girl you text. When you travel somewhere, these are the first people you hit up. When you get engaged and don’t post it on social media yet, these are the people you hit up first. You got exciting news? You tell them before ANYONE else. You going to that event? These people are right by your side. You don’t even think about inviting anyone else, because you got your people.
And lets say you going to bars. You already got your crew that you gonna tear s*** up with. Nobody can’t compete with you moth**f****s, because when you and your crew come on the scene y’all showstoppers.
You found your brothers and sisters that's not blood.
These people are the future aunties and uncles to your kids. And yep, you are auntie and uncle to their kids. And yeah, you might be on the hook for being a godmother/godfather. Get the wallet out, you are on aunty/uncle/godparent duty and your nieces/nephews want ice cream. Or that shirt.
You are also on the hook for baptisms, graduations, sports games, and being the passenger of your bestie’s kids when they start driving. When they hit the curve, you are like lawdz give me strength.
Your life is set. Your circle is set. You got your yearly travel people. You got your people you can trust secrets with, they don’t tell anyone. They keep their word, they have your back and you would trust them with your life. You got your group of supportive girlfriends, and you know everyone is not a friend. You got your guys.
And then all of sudden? Those dreams, and life plans are dashed and shattered into a thousand pieces.
It’s not going to happen anymore. You get a call saying that your bestie/friend/family member(s) passed. The days after are a blur.
And then you are thinking about the life that could have been. You are also mourning over all the things that won’t ever happen.
Then it happens more than once. And you say WTF?
And then dozens of funerals later, you are thinking what happened. Then your trusted people are gone, and you either have to start over or go through life alone for a bit. People around you are like “I could’ve done this. I should’ve done that. I wish I could have done something or shown them that I cared.”
Then, people around you start to distance themselves from you too, because no one takes the time to realize how much pain you’re in from losing them, your people. And the person that’s inside that coffin that you’re saying goodbye to? Your ride or die, your person that you had plans to grow old with is gone.
It’s a nightmare, and I don’t want others going through it. One is painful enough. I don’t want people to go through that over and over again. Here’s my thoughts as a friend.
Maybe your friend is having a hard time lately. Maybe one of your girls is distant. Maybe your boyfriend’s personality has changed after going through something. Maybe they went through something debilitating or devastating and after being around them for a bit? You can tell they are not the same person. Their personality changed. Maybe they are hiding something. And something just feels off to you, and something inside you is nagging at you. Maybe the person that’s been supporting you all of sudden goes MIA. Something is definitely up, even though they are not saying a word and not wanting to tell me. Maybe they are embarrassed about how bad they feel/gotten and just don’t want to say anything. Maybe they don’t want to be a burden, but they are not.
Check in on them often and have a conversation in person. Hey I’m worried about you. Go in person to see them. Get them some help. Stay with them, and keep an eye on them, and check on them.
Don’t wait until it’s too late to tell someone that you care about them. They won’t hear “I love you” when they are in that coffin.
I’ve tried.. “I don’t know if you can hear me or not, but I love you and always will. Sorry you felt like you couldn’t talk to someone. I don’t trust people either, because asking for help too many times has led to bad bad things. I kept my mouth shut for years and I know how hard that is. It seems like it will never get better and you are just waking up to a nightmare that won’t stop, story of my school life dude. And you feel like you can’t tell anyone your pain and feelings because you will get made fun of. And it seems like everyone around you has it together and you are on the hamster wheel and forever a downward spiral? Losing you and seeing you like this hurts like hell. Sorry I didn’t notice your pain, maybe I could have taken some of the weight off. I love you always and I can’t wait to see you on the other side. I hate that I have to wait until I kick off to tell you things and talk to you about life. Thank you for the angel numbers. And please if you visit my dreams, give me a chance to go to the bathroom first. Or at least put on depends.
Newsflash, they didn’t hear me, I was too late.
After my friend(s) found my other friend(s) dead, I knew they were in pain, but I failed to realize how much pain they were in. They fell through the cracks at my school at the time. They disappeared, people stopped asking about them. They were the people that my school and everyone stopped caring about, once they left. Same thing at their workplaces.
As adults? It’s equally as hard.
I noticed a few friends tried and did end their lives around the holidays and their birthdays because they were thinking no one cared. Check up on people around the holidays or even birthdays. Sometimes we get a image in our heads on what the holidays or our birthdays are supposed to look like. Maybe their birthday celebrations isn’t acknowledged by anyone? Maybe they have an idea in their head and the reality doesn’t match. And maybe that person doesn’t have anyone to celebrate their birthday with. (You, yes you, you might have a group of people that make you feel special every year for your birthday, but everyone doesn’t have it like that.) You might not get to see them, but a text to say Happy Holidays, or Happy Birthday could do the trick.
Don’t stop inviting them or making the effort because they turn down your invitations. Keep inviting them. They might not feel like moving out of bed, and you inviting them and making them feel included will make them realize that someone cares. If they are in a deep depression, this will make them feel like someone loves them. If they quit work or school, don’t quit on them like many others will. Remind them that you love them, care about their well-being and are there whenever they’re ready. And be prepared to be in it for the long haul, it might be years before they open up. Don’t get frustrated about this. Sometimes just your presence is a present. Also, don’t get frustrated if they don’t return phone calls or texts right away, sometimes, it take a lot of energy just to respond to a text.
I hope this is helpful to someone out there, to take the chance to save a life. I hope I don’t scare anyone, I just want to keep raising awareness.
#3. I workout and keep my shape on my own (health and chronic illnesses pending, I’ve had to learn how to work around those on my own, and sometimes it’s not pretty. In fact it’s painful.).
You have to be really self aware. Are you self motivated or do you need a coach?
I’ve been maintaining my abs for over 12 years. How? Because it’s more than just abs. It’s discipline, consistency and showing up to the gym when you don’t feel like it. No one made me do this, I did this for me by me.
I’ve had to become really self motivated, because at the end of the day, no one is going to do it for you. If I didn’t light the fire under my own ass, it’s wasn’t going to happen waiting for other people. I beat the living shit out of my own body over the years, and the results show. If the workout isn’t challenging or makes me tired at the end, I won’t be satisfied.
Are you like 87% of people…
The ones who fall off their New Year’s Resolutions in the first 90 days?
If you’ve fallen off, this is your wake-up call 😤
See, most people fail at achieving their goals because they don’t know how to handle adversity.
One injury, one setback, one breakup…and they’re back to square one.
The momentum’s derailed and they don’t know how to get back up on the horse.
Here’s a simple solution 👇
Fuck motivation — develop discipline instead 💯
Because when you do things regardless of how you feel or what life dishes your way, you’ll always go far.
You’re not bound by your feelings.
Most days I wake up feeling like shit.
But I know I gotta come through for my people every single day — and that’s what the fuck I do 🔥
Be resilient.
Get disciplined.
And get back up and try again.-BMarkFit
I’m constantly trying to find ways to wear out my work ethic. The bigger question is do you have the discipline to sustain it and the wisdom to multiply it. Remember. DISCIPLINE. (And yeah I do use self-motivation, no one is putting a weapon behind my head saying OMGGG Alesha do this, do that. I do it. Period.)
#3a. The gym has been a better friend to me than people.
Due to some upcoming surgeries, I’m not working out at the time of this article like I want to. And it’s pissing me off. I rather give my body time to heal inbtwn surgeries. I don’t want to permanently damage anything, so I’m not working out with Insanity, Crossfit, until I’m medically cleared. Since I’m supposed to have a few more procedures, I just don’t think it’s a good idea…
I’ve had several family members pass away and I really want to workout, badly. But I won’t injure myself and do permanent damage, so I’m dealing with it.
People are always focused on abs. The shallow comments I get from men are crazy these days. (They talk about how good my body looks, you’re into fitness this and that. But could you have a conversation with me? Can I trust you? Could we get off the physical plane? Can you stand to be in the same room with me? Do we have a solid friendship & foundation?)
But working out for me is more than that. It’s been a lifesaver.
When people and friends wasn’t there, the gym was.
When I watched people in my life pass away over and over again, the gym was my haven.
The abs are just a by product.
As a loner, you got to find safe places to feel safe. The gym is one of my besties. The gym doesn’t judge me based on what I look like, send me d*** pics or spread a single rumor on me. The gym doesn’t get jealous, or turn green when it looks like your going places. Or send me engagement photos with rings over social media, marriage proposals claiming I’m their future wife (y’all, it’s getting ridiculous. Just a thought, how about getting to know someone, instead of assuming you know someone just because you looked at 10 videos on Tik Tok. Just because someone likes what they see, doesn’t mean they respect you. And just because someone wants to sleep with you doesn’t mean they want to build a future with you.). The gym doesn’t talk about how good my body looks and they don’t know me from Adam. I can literally be at peace with my gym.
P.S. You are not going to get 1 to 2 years of results in 2 to 3 months. I worked out for over 12 years not looking for or expecting abs, but it came with hard work, consistency, discipline and showing up to the gym even when I don’t feel like it. Showing up in my 20’s when I was hungover. Showing up on rainy days when most people are sleep under the covers. There’s a lot of people who make New Years resolutions relating to fitness and give up because they are not getting results. Don’t be one of the ones that give up too easily. When I have surgery and have to stop, I have to work my way up again. It’s not an easy cycle, but I do it. Yes progress takes forever. And it’s a forever I’m willing to deal with over and over.
It takes years, learn to enjoy the process, even if you’re not seeing results. See you at the gym!
3b. I switched from team sports to solo sports.
Now, interestingly enough. I got a few scholarships to play college ball. I knew it wasn’t for me.
I’ve had so many experiences of people letting me down in my life, that I decided to start playing more solo sports.
I used to play basketball. My nickname was Chippy as player, because I was a cold mf on the court, according to some other parents. But basketball is a team sport. Sometimes, what your teammates do can help you win games, or you might lose. Well, “Chippy” here decided to do a life switch after some life experiences.
Nowadays I’m a casual basketball fan. I root for my teams.
I went from playing basketball, track, team bowling, and kickball.
To being more interested in solo sports, like martial arts, golf, rock/mountain climbing, (even though in some circumstances track is solo), fishing, solo bowling and of course weightlifting.
Solo sports, where my results are based on me solely, not other people. I checked out the lists below and years ago and transitioned into solo sports. Now interestingly enough, I got into martial arts at 8 years old. I somehow knew at that age this is something I can stick with, because I move up based on my results. So if I don’t advance in a martial arts tournament, it’s on me.
I did backflips in my hey day, and want to get back into that for martial arts purposes if I can.
If I’m successful, it’s my fault.
If I fail it’s my fault.
Off the record, I suck at golf and don’t judge my swing. Shit. Get the cameras out when I ice skate, ski, snowboard, or tree climb, it will be laugh out loud funny.
Even if my sponsorship(s) were to offer me an opportunity to play basketball, I would probably decline it. It’s not me anymore.
3c. I also don’t think all of us need a place where everyone knows our name.
Jessica Wildfire has a concept that I think people should look at.
Being in my solitude and being alone didn’t cause the biggest hurts. The biggest stresses and distresses were caused by so called friends.
They say that no person is an island, but in many of the cases of my life, I had no choice. I stopped looking for anyone to be my hero and became the hero myself.
When I look at my darkest moments, it wasn’t a close friend who helped me through. It was art. It was music. It was reading. It was the ability to sit alone quietly with my thoughts.
It was the gym and Buddhism for me. It was learning how to go on silent retreats. It was also being able to sit quietly in my thoughts.
I wasn’t asking my friends to be perfect. I wanted them to be descent. And when a lot of them had access to me, they mistreated me.
Now that my breakthroughs are around. Oh the ass kissing.
Alesha I'm so sorry. Please take me back.
You’re doing soooo good
Can we talk over things
You showed me your true colors. You meet the same people coming up as you do going down. I had the hard conversations with some of them when they blew up my phone with texts. I want you to eat, but not at my table. I gave you chances, and you showed me who you were. Instead of being a friend to me, you chose to listen to the gossip. You made your choices, so I’m making mine.
They would have me continue to cut myself open and offer pieces of my soul to people who don’t deserve it, who would just leave me lying there wounded.
If you are one of the ones who make it to the other side like me and get successes on your own in your own way. You will start to get a lot of mixed messages and advice. It’s up to you to decipher, know which ones to take and advice to leave in the dust.
I really took these to below heart. Even when things wasn’t going my way in life.
“It’s on you to get you where you need to be.”
“Your destiny is in your own hands.”
“Don’t point the finger at other people, look at yourself first.”
I really embodied these messages. Hey since my destiny is in my own hands, lets do this on my own. All the way. If I f*** up, it’s my fault. If I’m successful, it’s my fault. Take responsibility for your own life and own your shortcomings. And don’t blame anyone else. Stay working, even if it doesn’t seem like you’re getting anywhere. Fair enough, done. I think to myself, alright Alesha, lets do this.
I’m painfully self aware and ignored the joneses.
Now that I’m doing good on my own, the message I keep getting from this world is…let people in, and when they hurt you, we got therapy over here to help you cope. No…If I see toxic behaviors up front I’m staying away. I really like Wildfire’s concept. Maybe I don’t need people. Maybe I needed to realize all along that no one was ever going to be there in the ways I wished them to and wanted them to. I’m not going to keep being vulnerable and cutting myself open for the wrong people. I also hated that because I had different life goals and was on a different wavelength, people chose to mistreat me. Or since they couldn’t control me, they tried to control how others see me, and they fell for the lies. There’s tons of people that hate me because of what other people said, and I’ve gotten used to the idea that those bridges will forever be burned. (It will be ok, people will fall away and it’s a part of the process).
Maybe some of us learned the hard way that the only person we have is ourselves. The help that you could really use is never there when you really need it. And if you say too much, you will get accused of being a victim.
The way my school at the time treated me? They made me think my friends’ deaths was my fault. Like many people, the vibe is to get over it. You and your feelings don’t matter. I was robbed of my ability to trust others in my school years, and thus were not given opportunities to experience what genuine safety, love, belonging, support and acceptance feel like.
I was a scapegoat, and realized it, but could not describe it in my 20’s. I’m happy that someone coined the term.
Scapegoats often have no support to navigate their grief, which inevitably makes it harder and more tiring to work through. Scapegoats often lack both “logistical support” and “psychological support” because embedded into the experience of being scapegoated is ostracisation from those we typically see as our “support networks”. Scapegoats, especially those who speak up or speak out, have limited family or friends who stick by them to help them get through the day-to-day tasks that can be made impossible by trauma. And so the scapegoat becomes physically burnt out just trying to get through the day. Things like childcare, shared rides, meal prep or grocery runs when you’re in bed sick, and other very pragmatic and practical tasks that often are shared around family members get placed solely on the scapegoat’s shoulders. Day-to-day survival pushes out any energy reserves left for healing.-Erin Watson
Further, scapegoats lack “psychological support”. Having been subjected to smear campaigns, family narratives, and character assassinations mean most people simply won’t stand by or stick up for, let alone support a scapegoat through their pain.
Often betray scapegoats by remaining “silent and compliant”. In many cases, others have been told by the abusers that the scapegoat is mentally ill, crazy, or can’t be trusted. Discrediting the “sanity” of the scapegoat serves to squash the truth before it even gets revealed and prevents the scapegoat from receiving needed aid.
The energy and effort it takes to explain our situation to others in order to justify our pain or seek some sort of empathetic support can be so exhausting that many of us don’t even bother. We end up spending our limited resources grieving the fact that we may never get to properly grieve.
Their energy is spent on explaining the damage, how it happened, and advocating for their own healing rather than just getting the safe and supportive guidance they deserve. Not only is this isolating and exhausting (again!), but it comes with heaps of guilt and shame too.
Living in a constant trauma state, isolated, exhausted, and barely able to self-advocate for fear of being re-victimized makes life and relationships genuinely hard. Scapegoats often feel awful for the “burden” they place on their partner or friends as they go through their grieving process. Basic tasks take more time and effort, recurring nightmares disrupt sleep, and flashbacks can derail constructive conversations. Triggers can confuse an otherwise manageable argument. A scapegoat is never safe from triggers because the literal thing that traumatized them is something that permeates their (and society’s) entire existence: family, love, home, and connection.
There isn’t a word for this level of grief. The grief of not being able to exist safely in a life, a body, a home, and around people goes beyond “complex”.
We are told grief is necessary for healing. We are told the most effective way to work through grief is with the loving and safe support of others. So when love and safety have been so twisted, distorted, and denied you, how do you grieve?
Well you don’t. Maybe you realized that it’s easier for people to dismiss you than to understand you. Maybe you realize that you been through your hardest days by yourself, and no one can really be there for you. Maybe you really given up on people being there for you, because many times of your life, they went silent. I don’t go around calling myself a scapegoat, or yelling it from the roof tops. No one is going to feel sorry for you. And truth be told, no one cares.
I saw what was happening in my 20’s and made a life plan at 25. I tweak it regularly and make adjustments where I see fit. My personal bottom line? You’re either going to figure it out, or you’re not. (And I’m figuring it out, one breakthrough at a time.)
https://www.instagram.com/reel/CnQrOmGDKUJ/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y
TD Jakes, I do that same thing! I also look at how people treat people who they think are beneath them (bus drivers, waiters, etc) because it will show me how they would treat me if they got the upper hand. My school at the time definitely showed what they thought of me when I was a student on their campus. And it wasn’t very nice. I was a piece of trash to them and they showed me better than they could ever tell me what they thought of people of color on that campus. They had the upper hand and they showed their true colors. (I was treated so badly that I promised I won’t treat anyone like that, I’ve learned don’t underestimate anyone.)
Now that I’m making it on the other side on my own, I have no plans of making it easy for people, especially when it comes to my vulnerability. They have shown me better than they could ever tell me that I’m better off on my own. I have my people, but they will tell you it took a long time to get to my soft spot.
The advice to make ourselves vulnerable to others might be fine if the average person had the emotional intelligence to deal with other people’s vulnerability, but they don’t.
Especially not if we are neurodivergent, or disabled, or suffer from mental illness, or come from the experience of being a minority which others can never grasp or have empathy for (often because they don’t try).
Making ourselves vulnerable to others so often results in and empty, lacklustre response at best, or exploitation and trauma at worse.
Nobody wants to listen, they just want to tell you their world view, what worked for them — how you should be like them, and think like them.
Social support can be valuable for some, but being able to support ourselves — resilience in modern parlance — is invaluable.
I spent too much time in my life looking to others for support and not finding it, or worse being abused and gaslit and taken advantage of for being vulnerable. Friends, family — even the medical professionals who are paid to help me with my vulnerability, who are supposed to have the emotional intelligence, the skills and ‘professionalism’ to do so.
And now I have no resilience — but I’m slowly learning to care for myself again. You’re right, it’s very powerful, and never something that should be portrayed or dismissed as ‘loneliness’ — it’s strength. It’s peace.-Katylin Hamlin
Thanks for sharing this. I can relate. My dad died from suicide when I was a teenager and the only way I could start processing such a deeply traumatic event was to make dark jokes. People shamed me for that so I learned to be silent. People relied on me to help them process emotions, but when I tried to talk about my experience, people either withdrew from me or gave me advice about moving on without listening. Now, even though twenty plus years have passed, I would rather exist in solitude than engage in superficial or exploitative relationships. Dogs and cats seem to offer me the most rewarding form of friendship.-Jessica Trujillo
We are holding the people who hurt us accountable and learning from the past as a way to protect ourselves from being hurt again.
We got tired of proving ourselves worthy to others and chose ourselves and our own happiness
#4. People are going to be people
Most humans, once they see that they will be given multiple do-overs when they screw up rather than face real consequences will take full advantage of that. Rather than controlling their own behavior, it becomes a contest to see how shitty of a human being they can be while still getting away with it.-J Robert Post
When you are a genuine person, realising that most people when push comes to shove will only care about saving their own skin and will stab you in the back -Lau Bohls
I’ve given people many chances, as this article suggests, and in turn people took the opportunities one too many times to see how much of a shitty person they can be. It was almost like a contest. Let’s see how much we can keep doing and see if we can get a reaction. Some of the girls in my years of school was so toxic that I had to cut them off. They were never sorry, they were sorry that what they did didn’t get the results they wanted. And what’s worse, they would have kept stabbing me in the back if I kept taking them back in my life, and forgiving them as it was suggested to me to do.
Now do I have friends and am I social. Yes. I do not trust easily, and the people in my life know this. There’s people despite me keeping most at arms length, who love me for me. I have different circles for different things. For example, I have peeps that I attend Gen Con and the other conventions with.
I volunteer with others.
In the future I hope to get the IU fan thing and EPN athlete squad going (but hold down the fort until I come back, I’ll watch Instagram stories until I can.).
I travel with others. (But I want to make it clear, I do a lot of things solo, and my brands reflect this.)
And I want to say that I make it hard to get in my inner circle. Most people stay at level 10.
However, toxic is toxic. When people start displaying these behaviors. I’m out.
People are not going to change for the most part, no matter how much you want them to.
#5. Instead of coming to me, they went to everyone else but me.
In recent years, I’ve been becoming more direct at addressing the hard things, and some people don’t know how to handle this directness. You pick your battles.
I didn’t go around trying to be understood. Those who got it, got it. Those who didn’t, didn’t. That didn’t stop me from speaking.
I don’t go around trying to be understood. Those who get it, do. Those who don’t, don’t. This is not going to keep me from speaking.
If I had a dollar for every sister in Christ who is struggling with communicating in a direct, honest and loving way without being disrespectful, emotionally breaking down, having a meltdown, all the things…. Whew bro. I mean we need a manual on this! This is a deep deep topic! Especially for Christian women. I have had friends completely back away because I reached out and was loving and direct with them and they had zero clue how to respond to someone who was direct. After being ghosted I had to reel them back in with love and walk them through it. I’ve had others who completely blew a single conversation out of proportion because it was unfathomable that I might call them out on their stuff and yet we could maintain a friendship. I mean women…we need some serious help in this area!-jmtwifey_9112
So instead of having the hard conversation of hey I don’t want you in my life. I’ve had people back away after having direct conversations also. They had no idea to how to take being direct from me. They were used to giver Alesha, the one they could talk about, take advantage of, and treat like shit. When I switched my style up. I was very direct about the unacceptable behavior, and they didn’t like me calling them out. I’ve also had people take things out of context, take things wayyyy too personally because I was calling them out on their stuff. The worst ones were my so called brothers and sisters in Christ. Most of them wasn’t interested in discussing racism, addressing the hard issues, or discussing the elephant in the room. They were more interested in protecting their feelings, being right, and justifying their behaviors.
💯 knowing how to communicate in a mature way and having courageous conversations is so important and actually biblical. But I had to accept that some people simply do not know how to and grateful to find myself not wanting or needing anyone around me who can’t have a healthy conversation. Silent treatment, ghosting, talking to others but not addressing the person… yup let’s grow up. We’re called to more 🙌-myressanichols
I started to do more in 2020. One of the things I did when I scratched beneath the surface (and I still do this sometimes)? I went to a school growing up that shut down my communication. Being seen was not enough to be heard. Same thing in college. I didn’t matter. My experiences didn’t matter. As illestkidsinc98 pointed out. Unfortunately, when the behavior is ingrained from childhood because you aren’t allowed to speak up for yourself to the people that are supposed to be your village, it’s so difficult to unlearn 😮💨.
Newsflash. I unlearned it.
Newsflash. I unlearned it.
Newsflash. I unlearned it.
Newsflash. I unlearned it.
Thank youuuuuuuuuuu it’s cowardly to be hurt by someone and tell everyone BUT them. 😑-deesamiam
in a world where people lack communication but crave peace… this is exactly how it’s done. GROW and have the conversation. 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾-adthegreatest
Exactly. Ghosting, ignoring, avoiding, or whatever it is you call it, that is childish. Just speak up and say what it is. You don’t wanna be friends with someone anymore? Cool, say that. You don’t wanna date that person anymore? Cool, say that. You have an issue with someone’s behavior or remarks towards you? Cool, say that then. Just say that. Say wtf you got to say. Grow tf up, put ya big kid pants on and be up front with someone about the situation. Be a grown a$$ person and speak up.-that_fallen_angel86
It’s hard to speak to people who ghost or gaslight you. If you speak about your experience then you are passive. Can’t win-pinkgeez
Everybody can’t handle conversations unfortunately some are so offended. But if I see the energy I don’t mind addressing the elephant in the room rather they want it or not 🤷🏾♀️-soladyylike
I have always spoke my mind and my feelings even if it might hurt the other person. I’m not a mean person it’s just the truth that lives in me. People that hold stuff back because they don’t wanna hurt someone’s feelings is the same person who doesn’t want to hear the truth about their self. GROW UP-awake2speak
If only it were this easy. So many adults avoid moments like this with people who want to have COURAGEOUS conversations, which leaves the unannounced/unexplained distance. I move on either way… I WILL NOT CHASE YOU. 😆-officially_jennea
It took me so long the have the confidence to have courageous conversations that I am often surprised that people don’t understand and get offended and so they thrown off when you try to help them know how there behavior is affecting you!-drraej
I’ve had people ghost, avoid, deflect, and start trouble with other people I knew. And guess what. They believed the lies, and in turn they stopped talking to me. My question is no one came to talk to me, and also why would you believe someone told you at face value? It’s amazing to me how people are quick to listen to the message, without considering the messenger behind the message.
- By me saying I don’t want a 9 to 5, and me exchanging my time for money, this is not an insult to you. I do not want the same things as you or to live your life. You shouldn’t want my life either, it’s a two way street. No matter what path someone is on, we should all be supportive of each other, even if it’s something you don’t understand. But some people took this as me making fun of them. NO. Damn it.
- This your tango article is great, I have to find it one day. I remember it saying something along the lines of: Instead of seeing how you contributed to the deterioration of a friendship, you place blame in the other person instead of taking any ownership. It’s all the other person’s fault. They made all the mistakes, and you were perfect. You are too narrow minded, immature and self centered to see that there are two sides to a story and that yes, you also played a role. My role. Not letting people get to know me. It has to be a two way street. You want me to be open and let you in, but you are not a safe person to be open to. You know what, being safe in someone’s energy is a different level of protection, and I haven’t felt it in most of my friend circles. A lot of times the gossipy nature of people made me keep most at arms length.
- In the situations where people didn’t want to be friends anymore, I was supposed to take hints, read minds and all of sudden know what they are thinking. I apparently hurt them, but they told everyone else but me. How are we supposed to come up with a solution if I don’t know? What are they so afraid of anyways? What I find is people don’t like to be told they are wrong, even if the truth is staring them right in the face. Also, I find the greatest problem with communication is we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply. I pick my battles and act with integrity. And speak with honesty. I think some people wanted me to stay silent because it was more convenient.
- Racism, suicide and murder are not easy topics to touch. But if I want transparency and honesty, I have to start being transparent and honest in turn. I make my videos direct. I’m not dropping hints, beating around the bush and hoping people catch them. I think people are so used to my fun foodie personality that they don’t know how to take my serious side as well. They are totally taken off guard.
I do not fear being alone, I fear being in a room of people I can’t trust.
Upsetting the gram, I took your advice to heart.
It’s time to GROW UP. No one likes a petty or a passive aggressive person. DON’T be that person. Instead, BE the person that has COURAGEOUS conversations.
Oh do I have stories to tell one day. I still have several conversations to start.
As a loner, I learned to address the elephant in the room also regardless if they want it or not. Yeah, you pick your battles. But I’ve also gotten more direct. I do not gossip or talk about others behind their back. I go directly to the person in question.
And no, I’m not right about everything. But I am willing to have the face to face conversations.
#6. I fly under the radar a lot.
I’m someone who doesn’t care to be center of attention. I clap for other’s successes even if it comes before my own. I do not mind turning someone on to an opportunity without the fear of them getting ahead of me. I’m not the jealous, insecure, or gossipy type.
I’m used to being ignored. And you are not going to see me being extra just to be seen or to get attention. If it’s not genuine, I rather not have it.
I focus on the work and behind the scenes. And the results show themselves.
Through these experiences, I have grown to meet my own needs. (It does get dicey around surgery times. And straight painful where I’m out for days other times. I’m a hot mess and guarantee I will make the term hot girl summer not look normal. Every 3 months it will be an adventure).
#7. You realize that not everyone cares about you just because you care about them. Not everyone will value you as you do them. Most relationships in your life time you will learn are not even reciprocal.
But the more you experience the general malevolence of people in the world….the more you draw away and become more reclusive as you get older. You learn that you have to develop a thick skin because when you do encounter ill treatment from another person who you’ve treated well (which is inevitable) it can still knock you for six! You realise that not everyone cares about you just because you care about them. Not everyone will value you as you do them. Most relationships in your life time you will learn are not even reciprocal…..that’s why some friendship’s fragment over one disagreement and why a lot of people will come and go in your life unexpectedly. Was it ever mutually sustainable in the first place? Often people say you are generally quite lucky to have at least one or two genuine/loyal friends in your life (they’re rare). When you learn who these friends are….never take them for granted!
Ive had to learn to lower my general expectations with most people or you can become resentful. I’ve learned to focus on a small handful of true friends and family who I can actually rely on. And we’re not looking for perfection here….we’re looking for the basic needs of a healthy relationship — respect, loyalty and support (which should be two way). Anything outside of this…. I keep at arms length, figuratively speaking. Concerntrate on the morally mature people who are willingly and actively doing the personal self work needed to be a functional, helpful companion. People who are reliable and able to contribute positively to your network.-Lau Bhols.
To be blunt.
I’ve been taken advantage of, thrown away like a piece of trash, told by the college I went to at the time that you and your life doesn’t matter. I did not tell any of my friends at the time, I just went out with them. No one wants to be burdened with your tribulations and trials all the time. Or every time they are around you, this is going on or that is going on. (Becoming a fan of the rival school has been a refreshing life start and I have no plans of ever returning). Most folks will not want to hear it, invalidate you, tell you that you are living in the past.
Healing is a process.
It was made clear to me many times that your feelings didn’t matter. You don’t matter. You’re too much, and a waste of space.
I had to grow tough as nails thick skin. It was clear in too many situations in my life that I cared, and they didn’t. And it was one sided, the signs were there in my 20’s I just didn’t want to read the writing on the wall. When I finally read the writing on the wall, I changed a lot of things.
However. I’m a giver to some of the people I care about in my life, and I limit who I show this to. I do not want anything in return, I just want the people in my life to be happy. I hope I can be an example of what giving without strings looks like. And I don’t want to be recognized, just pay it forward to someone else.
As someone who thrives being my own. One of these people I give to is myself, and it’s borderline seen as selfish.
#7a. Not everyone is a friend. And you realize that at some periods it’s better to enjoy your own company than to be around toxic people.
*Because “friends” often subtly bully one another and use one another to bolster their self-esteem. After a while, it becomes very transparent and a bit of a liability. No one with healthy self esteem wants to be victimized by bullies masquerading as “friends.”
I’ve watched people:
- subtly bully one another and use one another to bolster their self-esteem
- stomping all over anyone who potentially could get in their way.
- Backstabbing and cut throating. They are so fake but they have a lot of people that like them.
- People are out for themselves and what they can get.
And yet people like hanging around people like this?
I figured out why some people don’t like me, and it’s ok. When I was knocked to a six, I also wanted to see why people felt like they had to treat me this way.
- I do not want the same things that others want.
- The realer you are, the more people hate you.
- We were on different wavelengths.
- Josh Tam from Quora makes a great point. If you’re not a cutthroat like the others in the clique you won’t fit in.
- I’m a black person. (I hate to keep making shit a race issue, because I have friends of different backgrounds, races, walks of life, economic status, and so forth, but it is what it is. I like to address the elephant in the room.) Unfortunately, sometimes people don’t want to be your friend over prejudice and stereotypes. (I talk about this a lot in my articles, but here’s a article that points it out-Maybe you are the only black kid in an all white school? I can tell on a subconscious level I wasn’t given a chance because of my skin color in quite a few organizations I ran with.)
- Jealousy. If I could count on my hand how many times people saw me as a threat. I was just looking for friends and people to trust, yet when my back was turned, they used the opportunity to try and cut me down. In fact they went out their way.
- Some of the successes I’m experiencing and the butt kissing people are doing now makes it full circle. I think people saw that I was going places. And instead of being supportive, they wanted to cut. They want you down in the dumps like they are.
- I’d rather be hated for something that I am, then loved for something that I am not
I have people on my wavelength. I also don’t trust easily and keep most at arms length until they can prove themselves. I don’t make it easy. I make my fortress as hard as my challenging workouts, where I beat my own ass. I took a Navy Seal workout challenge too, so trust me when I say my fortress won’t be easy.) But I made a decision that if I have to, I rather spend time alone than be with the wrong people.
7B. I got to get something off my chest. I can’t believe I have to write this shit, because lowkey I think it’s unnecessary. But hear me out.
As a single for lifer. My female friends are married, or on a path there. Mostly all my female cousins are married, on the way there, or looking for serious relationships.
Over the years, I’ve heard a lot of conversation that goes on, how they complain about their husbands, their families, their in laws. They always talk about how lucky I am to have my freedoms. How lucky I am. And on the same breath feel sorry for me (awww you are still by yourself this, undertones, remarks) because I’m not married. Let’s keep in mind how many are even jealous and think I’m threatening to their marriages. I’ve had some women friends think I’m threatening to their martial bliss and I’m like whoa nelly. Shut the front yard barn door. Hold up a sec.
This low key competition with each other is beyond wild to me. We are all trying to figure out life, why make it harder by beating each other up?
You can’t have what’s mine. I don’t want what yours. Keep this in the back of your mind as your read this section.
I’ve really started distancing myself, why are you trying to compete and compare lives…. Life is not a competition. You are where you are meant to be in this moment, and you shouldn’t aspire to anyone’s life but your own. When women start playing these competitive type games, I go to my guys. (And when both of ya’ll start acting f***** up, refer to the title of this article.)
First and foremost. After you read this long ass article, you should know what life I’m leading, my morals, and my character.
We all make choices, you made yours. I made mine. Maybe you wish you had some of my freedoms. And maybe you think I’m missing out on true happiness in life, which is spending it with that special someone. Girls, ladies, my loves. You made the choice. I made my choice. If you are not happy with your life, change it. Do not blame me for the decisions you made. Loves, up close and preferably a far for a number of you. I’m here for you. But this comparison, status quo, appearances, thing is not my rodeo. Address any insecurities you have in the right way, but don’t blame me. Or use me for an excuse for your shortcomings. I went to school with a lot of you, and I hope you don’t have the rude awakening I had. Your destiny is in your own hands. Literally believing that hype of this bettering my life and that for me personally was the worst and lead me down hell and back. I didn’t blame you when I was kicked in the ass by the school we attended. I didn’t blame you when I threw up multiple times after my friends died. I didn’t take out the fact that none of my medical issues were not taken seriously at the time, on you. And I stopped eating and messed up in my classes. I don’t take out seeing my friends dead on you. I didn’t take out my pain and unhappiness on you. And I don’t. So don’t blame me because you made the decision to get married, and it’s not what you thought it was. Or use me as a reason why your marriage may break up. I shouldn’t have to say this. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN MARRIAGES, AND HOW THE F*** THEY TURN OUT, not me. DO not use me as an excuse when you really want to go out, but you tell your husband that your single girlfriend wants to go out because you are afraid that he will get angry. I just think it’s absolutely wild that you think I’m threatening to you, when all I was trying to be was supportive. Are you f***** kidding me? I’m just trying to be a friend in the situations and convos in question lending you a non-judgmental ear. I’ll never reveal your secrets, I just ask in return you be a descent person and friend. I’m always rooting for your happiness and success, but stop pointing the finger at someone else. Look at yourself. If you don’t like your life love, CHANGE IT.
You never know what people are going through behind closed doors, exactly what are you so jealous of? If you want all the good parts of someone’s life, make sure you could handle all of the bad parts too. Everyone has their struggles.
I’ve been told the reason why people are jealous of me according to my trusted friends? I come back from when people do dirty things to me with ease. #2. I look young and people want my youthful look. #3. Guys chase me and I don’t do anything to attract attention. I do not want the attention. #4. I have freedoms. #5. My successes make people feel small and they don’t think they can catch up. #6. I have a fitness regime and I keep in good shape. #7. I produce more than I consume, and I have so many projects going that my production rates are high. My friends claim my productivity and work ethic is hard to match. #8. This one is stupid, but people want my lips? Why. They are good for eating food with lol. #9. I’m quote in quote strong, I’m known as the strong one. #10. Lets stop there.
My response to this? It’s nothing to be jealous of, and you honestly shouldn’t want what I have. Of record, why am I someone you want to keep up with anyways? (On the fitness side of things, just go to the gym AND PUT IN THE DAMN WORK. It will take years, enjoy. And WTF my productivity and work ethic is to challenge myself and see how far I can push it, I’m not competing with ANYONE. What the hell?) Seriously though, you all need to spend more time finding your gifts and talents instead of wanting mine. You never know what people are going through behind closed doors. If you want all the good parts of someone’s life, make sure you could handle all of the bad parts too. If you want my life, I hope you can handle the hard, cruel, merciless and difficult stuff without becoming suicidal. I was told by some friends some time ago that if they had to deal with some of things I had to deal with in my life, they would have a few mental illnesses by now or tried to take their own life. I do not have a mental illness and I’m not suicidal, but I do keep my distance from people. I have made plans for my life that doesn’t revolve around people. And you’re going to have to have back bone and strength that’s unheard of if you want to switch places with me. You’re going to have to learn how to be let down by people a lot if you want to switch places with me. You are going to have to learn how to be betrayed constantly and hide behind a smile if you want to switch places with me. And make being by yourself second nature if you want to switch places with me. Get used to not fitting in if you want to switch places with me. And you’re going to have to get used to being hated if you want to switch places with me. And your going to have to go to dozens of funerals in your lifetime and not have people check on you, if you want to switch places with me. And get used to being lied on and being on the top of the gossip trains if you want to switch places with me. And you’re going to have to get used to having medical issues in your 20’s (technically 15ish) if you want to switch places with me, and on average puke 6 times after each surgery you endure. Get used to being called all kinds of names that are straight cruel, like waste of space, mentally ill, neurotypical, n*****, entitled, irresponsible and a burden when you take the road less traveled like me. Brace yourself and be careful what you wish for.
I do not compete because I don’t want what’s yours. You can’t have what’s mine. I don’t want anything or anyone that doesn’t want me. You shouldn’t want what’s mine.
Now.
Do not feel sorry for me because I’m not married like you are and never want to be married. Damn it, I’ve had this conversation with a number of you so many times over the years.
I’ll be fine on Valentine’s Day every year. (Happy Valentine’s btw if you celebrate! And happy Galentine’s Day ladies). Please pay attention to the advice they give the single person on Hoda and Jenna. Just because people are in relationships, doesn’t mean they are happy. Being in a relationship is not the pinnacle of success or achieving everything in life. Don’t look at other people’s lives and be jealous, because you can never tell what they are going through. Ladies, listening to other people and their well intentioned advice growing up made me soo unhappy. I did not think I could get that low. And feel so dehumanized. The situations made me broke and nearly ruined my life. I never knew I could let so many things slip over me, pull the wool over my eyes. AND feel like I had no dignity. After getting out of those puked up fur balls of messes, and several more hairballs, I said never again. Nowadays, I let people talk about me. If you ever see me on Skid row, say hello. If you see me on top, say hey. I’ll throw a peace sign back and keep it moving.
People might think the successes that are happening for me nowadays are great and beyond belief. But the way I was vulnerable in relationships and it nearly put me near the poverty line was beyond belief multiple times. Y’all. It was so pitiful and pathetic. And straight up embarrassing every single time. This is why I push a tad bit harder in silence and tell no one of my plans. I remember what trusting guys with my life was like and whew.
Solo for life it is. If I’m going to be by myself, I will thrive. On the other end of things, I can be a f*** up by myself.
And trust me, alone is not being the same as being lonely. This is one of favorite books, because I used to also wonder why there’s so much pressure to couple up? Why do we value couples so much? I was a couple for a sec over the years, and I said ehhhh what’s the hype again? I got to be honest, around my teens, 20’s, I looked up to my cousin’s relationships. But then I got into several, got knocked to a six by a few and said whoa. Ok Alesha, darling. Lets admire and love my cousins. Send good vibes for their happiness. Like every photo (or a good portion of them, I don’t get on Facebook all the time). Always root for their successes. And be supportive when they walk down the aisle. And generally just be supportive and a cheerleading cousin. But not sign up for that, I rather update my obituary first. I rather put my hand in a pencil sharpener and let my whole hand get down to the bone bro and sis. I rather be the one they execute and give the needle to on death row instead of the inmate that did it. And after I die, run over my body with the car back and forth until I’m unrecognizable. Alesha those were bad, shit! Off the record, I did not post a lot about my relationships on social media, my life ain’t an completely open book. I got several Youtube channels, several Tik Toks, and my fitness thing that I got going. I also post unreleased food videos. That’s open enough.
I can handle what people say. And some of the rude things they may do to imply my single status.
“Awww you’re too cute to be single.”
“Where’s your plus one?”
Those are small prices to pay. I rather hear people say those things, say rude things, then actually be in the situations where I’m living miserably. Because all the people who say those things would not be found if I’m getting abused, knocked to a six, being ran down, trying to put on a brave face, and hating my life. How do I know? Lived through that before. And not a single person around me was going to save me. It’s was/is ultimately up to me and nothing was going to pop off unless I pop it off, if you get what I mean. Because all the help they claim was there, wasn’t.
I’m definitely going to be the 1 in 4 millennial. Here’s to applying to all the Salons, and getting into them. Wish me luck.
Now maybe seeing someone accomplish their dreams makes you feel like you didn’t accomplish yours, you got left behind or you are not being the Rockstar you set out to be. Maybe this shines a mirror back on you, because you have no more excuses for your shortcomings.
When someone you know actually accomplishes a dream and you didn’t? Maybe you feel like it’s being thrown in your face, because you failed or don’t like how you are living life. Maybe the failure is by no fault of your own. Maybe you haven’t figured out what your talents and gifts are, and the person you are comparing yourself to has. Maybe you are angry because both of you come from the same place, yet this person is ahead of you. And maybe this person’s breakthroughs are making you wonder if you should have made different life choices. Maybe you’ve been thinking about a certain person in your life that does not work as hard as you do, yet receives more blessings than you do. Maybe it drives you up a wall that they get to travel more than you do, yet you are trying to figure out how to make payments on your bills at the end of the month. Maybe you feel like they get more love than you do. Maybe they are wealthier than you, and you feel like you can’t stack up or got left behind. Maybe you feel like they get to do more things than you do or get to attend events you don’t. And because of that, you have major FOMO. Maybe they are living the life, and you are struggling mentally, socially, professionally, emotionally, etc. Maybe you can barely afford the basics, and here they are showing off their glamourous life to you. Maybe they get to jet off to that exotic location, get to attend that event, and here you are on your couch at home in the middle of no where looking at their pictures on social media. Maybe you don’t get to travel at all, and the person gets to travel on a monthly basis.
And just maybe, you feel like you are being outgunned, outshined in everyway. You deep down think you ain’t jack shit compared to them.
Advice. Still, this is no reason to treat someone like shit. Address your insecurities in the right way. Stop gossiping about others and tearing others down to feel better about where you are at in your life. Bullying someone who has luxury this or that is not ok, they are still human with feelings like you. You are comparing yourself to someone’s highlight reel. You don’t know what someone is going through behind closed doors. Jealousy is counting everyone else’s blessings but your own. At the end of the day, we are all trying to figure out life, and we need to stop kicking each other down. Build your skillset. Stop comparing yourself. Don’t compare your day one to someone else’s day 400. Take it from someone who people tried to destroy for years. The hostility I faced from people when I had a different plan for my life is undeniable, I literally had to learn how to take people’s attacks and turn them into successes. Hurting others won’t heal you. And the crab in the barrel mentality won’t work. And I swear Karma will bite you. (Off record, after experiencing some of my breakthroughs, I understand why some people who are connected to someone successful, or have experienced success on some level stay away from 3/4 of people and keep their circles small. Please look out for my part 2, I wrote an whole other article about this… Why The Successful Avoid You is going to be part 2 but read my 13 Reasons Why The Wealthy Avoid You. To get some of the successes on Youtube and elsewhere, I had to learn a different way than I was taught in school, and one big mindset is not hating on someone who has more, does more and travels more. Hating on others will not get you anywhere. Around 3rd grade, I decided to not get jealous of people and be happy for others, even if my life isn’t going so good. I saw how destructive being jealous of someone can be, and I keep it at bay. And it’s been magical for me in my life.
For example. If I see someone eating pizza I would like to have. Sure, I want pizza too, but am I going to get mad at that person for eating the pizza I want? Or treat them mean? No. I’m using food to reference a huge life lesson here. My hearing is out in one of my ears is out. Am I angry that you have your hearing and I don’t? Nope. It’s just going to be a new life adventure with ASL. Am I mad at you because my hair keeps breaking off during my medical issues? Nope, as the former long hair girl, I welcome the change. Am I mad at you that my chronic illnesses keeps me in and out of the hospital, and you get to do things I don’t? Nope. I just see it as an opportunity to relax. The not working out part is not ok with me. But I’ll figure it out. Anyways.). Everyone isn’t showing off. You are just viewing their happiness, accomplishments and life from a place of jealousy. Heal so you can learn how to be happy for others, because being jealous of someone will not serve you. Reframe your mindset to see their happiness/successes/life as an opportunity for you to grow. No one is taking away from you because they are happy. HEAL.
Remember, even if things are going badly in your life (or you think they are), hating on someone won’t make your situation better. Being jealous and envious of them will make it worse. ADDRESS your insecurities, jealousies, and envy in the right ways. And especially don’t take it out on the people you’re jealous of, or anyone else, period.
Do things to make you happy. Make decisions for yourself. Do it for you by you. As your friend, I hope you always choose yourself. Live for yourself, not for others.
Signed, the girl that’s always safe to vent to, no matter what stage of life you are in. End of rant.
“My unsolicited advice is to focus more on you and yours and less on the decisions/circumstances and hearts of others. When you are at peace with yourself and your decisions, you are immune to the opinions and judgement of others (and you no longer put energy toward judging others either). Sending love. “-Janine Sollazzo
7C. You should have no problem celebrating someone’s successes even if it comes before your own…
THE WHOLE POINT IN HELPING or TEACHING OTHERS IS TO MAKE THEM BETTER THAN YOU. 🚀
If this isn’t your goal, then you don’t really want to teach or elevate others, you only want to mold them to fit your needs. Or, be underneath you.
I’ve seen so many people get jealous or intimidated when their student, employee, partner, or even kid start to surpasses them, they start to dismiss, belittle, or even suppress them.
When you know and feel yourself becoming stronger and smarter, and the person or people that should be excited or happy for you seem to be bothered by your growth, you gotta go.
Because, the same energy they put into helping you when they felt they were stronger than you, will now be put into trying to weaken you.
When you are truly dope, shining the light on, or helping others be dope, doesn’t take away from your dope. In fact, it makes you even more dope, because it’s clear you know what dope is by highlighting that person.
THE DOPEST THING TO DO IS COMPLIMENT SOMEBODY BEHIND THEIR BACK.
So, be dope!
Help others, teach others, learn from others, brag about others.
Be proud and celebrate others dopeness.
If you are dope, somebody else’s dope doesn’t make you less dope.
Dope doesn’t die.
If you are nervous about someone else’s dope, maybe you aren’t as dope as you think you are.
Your friend,
Clinton Sparks
If anyone can find my comment, kudos to you. My handle is aleshampeterson on Instagram.
But the only question I’m going to lay down right here is this. Can you turn someone on to an opportunity without the fear of them getting ahead of you?
If you can’t be happy for someone else, or it makes you insecure when you think someone is more successful than you, do a little soul searching and figure out why. Find out what you feel you are lacking in or missing in your life and address it in healthy ways, and by not taking it out on others. Clinton’s concept is something most people don’t really get. If you can take his quote and really embody it, life will go better for you.
7D. I figured out what I would want a “partner” to do and I do it for myself.
One more tibit I wanted to add to this article. I’ve been talking with some *other married friends over the years, and this quote sums up these conversations.
Don’t let pictures of the perfect life on social media, especially Facebook, convince you that you are missing out on something. You are not missing out on relationships because they “appear” to be perfect. I’ve been married for years, and there’s a couple of times I wanted to divorce. I stay in my marriage because I agreed to the commitment. Relationships and marriage are not easy, and a lot of the photos you see are a facade. Remember growing up we were all convinced that relationships are like the disney movies? They are not. Relationships take work. And don’t let those nosy relatives try to pressure you into being a relationship and you don’t want to be. As our single girlfriend, just keep showing up for your friends/girlfriends/family members that want to be and choose to be in relationships. Because hun, they will need you to vent to different periods of their lives when the marriages/relationships hit a rough patch. When they talk about being excited to see their man or missing their man? Be that support system. When one of your boys tells you he found the love of his life, root for him like you experienced it yourself. When and if they become husband and wife, be supportive of the longevity of the relationship and send good vibes. I’ve also had plenty of friends divorce, because they listened to what they though relationships were growing up, got in one, tried to model their parents, and realize they not what they thought it was. What some of your friends are not telling you also? They are going to therapy to make their relationships work. We live in a male-oriented world that wants to try to convince you that the only way to be happy is to be with one of them. No one can make you happy but you.
As a single for lifer, I decided to figure out what I would want a partner to do and do it for myself. You are seeing that play out.
7D. Sense of belonging
I do want to mention this.
It’s normal to want a sense of belonging. It’s normal to want friendship and people to call your own. We are all humans and are social.
However. When the feeling isn’t mutual. It’s one sided. They just don’t put in the same effort as you. You feel it in your gut. Cut your losses. If you are in high school reading this or an adult, and you find that the group of people you want to be friends with don’t want to be friends with you?
Don’t force a connection that’s not there. The time you spend with people that’s not for you, you will be missing out on the people that’s for you.
It may hurt. Because you may really care about these people.
I mention a version of this below.
I watched girls back stab and cut throat each other growing up. I watched groups not put in the same effort in the friendship as I did. I had a decision to make in both situations.
It’s either sink to their level, and be gossip queens like them to fit in. Start bullying people and hurt others and myself in the process.
It was either I keep putting in the effort that they wasn’t putting in. It was either keep dealing with saying they were too busy, not responding to texts and calls, and them only reaching out when they wanted to use me.
Or lean into that only child realm, and hang out by myself. It’s better to be by yourself than in a room full of people you can’t trust. It’s better to be in peace than toxicity.
And let these people go, because they don’t care about you the way you care about them. There’s better friends out there and people that care.
Because ultimately losing others is ok, losing myself is not.
I voluntarily became a loner, because there is no way that this cutthroat behavior is normal. As a young kid, I could not understand why people felt like they had to pull people down like this to feel better about themselves. Seeing both kids in my class and adults acting like this was inexcusable.
When I saw the effort was one sided over time. I stopped reaching out. I watched them lose me.
The lengths that I’ve seen some people go to to take out their pain and insecurities on others is wild.
7D. Fitting In Is Overrated.
I’ve been broke as f**.
And I’ve been successful beyond my wildest dreams.
Between the two extremes, I’ve learned a thing or two about gaining momentum — not only in your business life but your personal life too 💯
Here are 9 critical pieces of advice I have to gain momentum in your life 👇
1️⃣ Stop taking advice from anyone who hasn’t accomplished more than you
2️⃣ Find a mentor who’s two steps ahead of you and a friend who’s in the trenches with you
3️⃣ Never EVER try to fit in
4️⃣ Produce significantly more than you consume
5️⃣ Everybody starts off as an imposter
6️⃣ Leverage yourself as soon as humanly possible
7️⃣ Schedule everything
8️⃣ Understand that everything develops in 1% increments
9️⃣ Double down on what works and don’t be afraid to fail
There are no secrets to success 😤
It’s all about finding which actions lead to success and repeating them over and over again, without fail.
That’s how you keep the momentum going.
And soon enough, you’ll take your business, relationships, and personal goals to astronomical heights-BMarkFit
I was someone that people wanted to hang around with in school in different circles. I also spent a lot of periods by myself, because I did not like the cut throat behavior that I was witnessing. As I stated multiple times in this article, I started to realize something as early as my grade school years, that fitting in and being liked by people sometimes ain’t worth it. I find that you have to sometimes compromise who you are and do things against your morals and values. I watched people act one way with this clique, another way with this group, and another way with this group. It was like they were putting up a façade and an image to the world.
This sponsorship is making me see a whole different side of people, and it’s a side I don’t like. Fake, shallow and men throwing themselves at me. I really don’t like it. I don’t have huge following on most of my social media. I just have my tribe and making a way for myself. What I’m trying to say in the most humblest way possible, like um, can you calm down and have some respect for yourself? I’m a person figuring out life just like you guys. Just because I have a sponsorship, doesn’t mean I want to see guy’s nudes and DMs all day. I don’t wanna see girllllll you into fitness comments all day. Cmon now….
I think my cousins and people that know me best, know me. When I get silent, that’s their cue to give me space. They know to leave me alone for a bit.
However, some of these people out here are something else.
My focus is to produce more than I consume with my social media strategy. I got a plan for my content and I’m excited for the world to see it. And figure out my fitness ordeal. At some point, I plan on working out again, and I can’t wait.
I don’t need the nudes from guys, the butt kissing DMs and the yourrrrr so prettyyyyyy comments. Is this what athletes from the NBA, NFL, and WNBA have to deal with? Come on now. I want to remind people I’m not putting on any sports jerseys lol. If you can’t be real, be yourself and have a conversation past being cute I rather not hear from you.
One of my cousins asked me why I think so many of the immediate family is closed off.
I can’t speak for everyone, but I have some theories for myself.
#1. You are loved is thrown around a lot. But lets not get carried away, based on my too many of my life experiences, I wasn’t loved, but tolerated. Love is in action, not words. If you say you love someone, but abuse them, that’s not love. I’m not always loved. I found out the hard way that being a good person gets you used, taken for granted and thrown away like a piece of trash.
#2. I was berated and yelled at during a medical crisis by a immediate family member, and I took mental note of it years ago. I’ve learned I can’t really trust most when it boils down to it. I tell a small circle of people at a distance, and I trust they won’t say anything. (It was none of the cousins, that is all I will say.). That way, if something does happen to me medically, and I die (I don’t plan on going anywhere at the time of this in 2023 anytime soon by the way), some people would be looped in. After that, I decided not to tell the siblings that much about my medical issues. Which has led to being talked about more. (FYI, siblings are my mom’s brothers and sisters, there’s 13 of them).
#2a. Love is showing up, even if it isn’t convenient for you. A friend attempting suicide the night before an exam was not convenient for me at all. But because I cared, I showed up. Sundays are my rest days, but I showed up at the hospital for another friend, that was not seen as popular in a friend circle I ran in. Love is caring for someone, despite what other people think or what it looks like. Even if it makes you fall out of the “popular crowd”. I understand why several of the aunts and uncles have strained relationships. And why so many of us cousins stay away. My medical issues started in my 20s (technically 15ish), and I’ve seen the cruel side of people and some of it came from aunties and uncles. I could not believe this sibling thought it was more important to run errands first instead of taking me to the hospital, because they thought that they would be out too late. I did not tell my suicidal friends, oh you are making me stay out too late. Stop being suicidal so I can go back to sleep. Love is you picking them up off the floor, or letting them take the bed and you sleep on the floor. Love is keeping one eye open all night to make sure something didn’t go down, because the school you went to at the time didn’t take mental health seriously (I really hope that’s changed, and mental health is taken more seriously nowadays). Love is showing up, even if it isn’t convenient for you.
#3. One too many took the opportunity to use what I was dealing with as a opportunity to make me a punching bag, when I would have been better off not saying a word. Suicide will rip a fabric out of your heart and soul. After the first round of peeps passed, I was dismissed and told my feelings were insignificant. And told that my friends’ souls were going to hell by my religion. I was called mentally ill when I said look this is too much for me. I can’t even list all the names I was called because they are racist and very discriminatory against people. By the time the 3rd, 4th, and 5th ones happened I was so distant. Instead of being made to feel like I don’t matter, and my dead friends be judged and ridiculed? I made a hard decision to not say anything to anyone in my circles or the school at the time about my feelings. (I basically googled a no talk retreat and took some advice. I went outside my religion and googled Vow of Silence. Here’s to being a silent monk. Hermit is in one of my brand names (go find it). Those silent retreats around the world is my new mojo.)
#4. When you are let down by the people you are supposed to trust over and over and over, the people in your village? You learn not to open your heart as much.
#5. When many people have done their best to make you out to be a monster, when you are not.
#5a. When people believe the lies, and not you. And then they find out later on down the road that the lies and gossip wasn’t true.
#6. When all you try to do was help and in turn you get openly shamed, ridiculed or you are unappreciated. You learn to stop participating in those situations and keep your distance.
#7. When you are told that the boys are always doing better than the girls in the immediate family. When you’re reminded that the extended cousins are doing better than you too. When you’re told that you’re a cancer. I gotta be honest, I’m not feeling great nowadays, and it’s really demotivating to hear that. I’ve learned to tune it out. I’m not comparing or competing with any of my cousins. I’m always rooting for my cousins. If you’re traveling more than me, great. I’m not angry that you are doing things I’m not. Or have opportunities I don’t. If you ultimately are doing better than me, I’m happy for you. Love is rooting for someone’s successes, even if it comes before your own. I love and adore my cousins. In fact every chance I get I want to say I’m proud of my cousins and love calling you my legacy (since I’m not having kids, my cousins are my legacy.)
Life isn’t a competition. And what you see is what you get when it comes to me. I gotta be honest, if I’m f*****g up or not feeling that great, I’ll just say hey listen there is a lot on my plate.
You have to be a really strong person to deal with that because it can get under your skin if you let it.
So yeah, I choose to keep people at arms length personally, and if I trust them they will know. (Good luck making it through my fortress, most don’t and I get called bi**** for it.).
Advice. By the way, being alone is not the worst way to end up. Being around people who pretend to be your friends and stab you in the back is a lot worst. There were times when I was around people, and was still on my own.
#8. You change.
Yes I still talk lol. See my YouTubes.
I do have a quiet side, and I don’t want people to take this personally. On the anniversaries of my friends and family members passing away. I get real quiet.
#8. Are there any only children reading this?
Or people that crave alone time. Then you will really relate to this.
I love my alone time. I’ve thrived.
Some people see being alone as lonely, weird and socially awkward.
I see it as peaceful, solitude and an opportunity to grow.
The Mind Journals reposted one of my stories in 2022, and made a picture.
8a. You got to focus on yourself.
Sometimes, people are shitty.
Other times you got to stop pointing the finger. Work on yourself and your mistakes.
I don’t always want someone to agree with me all the time. I wanted to be heard.
I never wanted to always dominate like I do. I just wanted a soft and trusting place to fall.
Don’t be afraid to open up and vent about that little hole in your heart sometimes.
But when I saw how damaging being vulnerable with the wrong people was? Whew. (As you read this article, just know I made my choices, made my bed and lying in it)
It was either be hard, or let people take advantage.
It was either leave it to fate, or take destiny in my own hands.
Although you have learned to help yourself and put on a tough-as-nails exterior, take a deep breath and realize that sometimes it is okay to soften your shell and ask for others to support and understand you.
The few times I did decide to do that people took the opportunity to poke holes and try to sink my self esteem. I got burned and hurt so bad that I decided to thread lightly with people. Remember, everyone ain’t a friend, and I’m good with being misunderstood. If you are into Dragon Ball Z/Super, I decided to pick up on the ways of Jiren and Vegeta for my own good. Ask Jiren to soften his shell and lets see how far that gets you.
There were times when you have to be your own armor. There were times when you have to defend your own self when you were little because no one was there to protect you — to hug you. You have become your own little princess and have put a crown on yourself because no one has done that for you. You have built your own shell — hard enough to not let anything crush you.
Exactly.
Bad behavior and “not enough” is the only normal they’ve ever really known. They may assume that when people treat them poorly, whether that be a significant other, a friend, or anyone in between, that’s just how relationships work.
I’m literally to the point where I walk away. We either click or we don’t. Some people don’t want you as a friend and it may not have anything to do with you.
When they finally find people who loves and support them in all the right ways, simple things become bigger than anyone could ever understand.
Yup, I don’t take my trusted people for granted.
Maybe they’re looking for someone to just notice they’re there. Maybe they’re looking for ways to fill the void, knowing that no matter how hard they try, that will never really happen.
I was told I have confidence, power and amazing resilience. I also was told that I have leadership abilities, resilience, strength in a crisis and unshakable survival skills. My survival playbook runs deep, and…..
Now that it’s spilling over into social media.
Your girl can’t wait to show you better than I can tell you what I got planned. I got even more content planned out. Stay tuned.
#9. I’m turned off by this.
This doesn’t happen too often, but it’s happened more than I'm used to lately. I’ve had some guy friends get real squirrely on me lately, and I had to set them straight. And get more aggressive in those situations. As a childfree woman, I do not like to hear guys telling me I have a great body and could hold their kids in it. Nope. nope. F*** stop that shit. I’m not here to be used or taken advantage of for your purposes (and if you want fitness results for yourself, go to the gym and put in the hard work. I had to put in years of consistency, discipline and working out when I don’t feel like it. Abs isn’t the benefit I was directly looking for, that’s a by product.)
I’m your sister. Not your future wife, or your girlfriend. For a number of you, we been through too many things (i.e. burying friends, watching you be happy with other girls because you’re my brother, hearing stories of you being with other girls and I walked out the room, (btw I’m not interested in being your girl #10), taking shots with you, carrying your butt home from bars, holding your head over a trash can, turning you over to your side, watching you over night to make sure you wake up (I had plenty of college friends die and I didn’t want that to happen) to hanging around your family for years as a friend. Literally me and your grandma are drinking buddies) for it to go down like this. When some of the girls in my life in my schools started acting jealous, catty and cutthroat, I went with my dudes. They are like brothers to me, and I can’t imagine life without them. To experience guys who are like cousins and brothers hitting on me is a different kind of hell. WTF. What happened to my brother, the one I went to for years when some of the girls I ran with started getting too gossipy and mean girl on me? As closed off as I am, I don’t even get why you waste your time. I’m staying in the friend zone dude. (Most of my guys haven’t done this and I greatly appreciate it, please don’t get squirrely on me. I do not need any more Twilight Zones in my life)
You gotta understand something about your girl/sister/tribe/whatnot
- I’m not into my own hype.
- If you don’t humble yourself, life will humble you.
- I like to surround myself with people who are humble and keep you in check.
- It’s cool to celebrate but I’m also down to earth.
- I have to be honest, because I have pounding debilitating headaches with my chronic illnesses because it’s progressed. I’m really turned off by the thirst behavior, especially right now at this stage of my life. I’m not angry at the world for having medical issues, but I do get annoyed to look at a cell phone screen during a headache, just to find out it’s something stupid. Or a d*** pic.
So you can’t imagine my horror when I see the dicey messages in my inbox from guys I’ve known for a hot minute. Fellas I gotta be honest, it’s not a turn on. I’m like what kind of hell is this? I mean I rather people send me food photos, for real. I do not experience peace when the thirst factor starts (see below).
You ain’t going to use the dating advice I gave you in our 20s to find your soulmate, on me, suckers. I love you and want to see you happy. But it’s not going to be with me. (I no longer give dating advice because I’m not the person for that…I introduced a friend to another friend once, and they are still a couple. But I decided to jump out of it, because it’s none of my business. Please go else where, I’ve gotten suggestions to write in this space and no. Not my lane.)
I had to put a stop to what I call the thirst factor:
The late night Facebook messenger calls. U up messages are not emergencies and they are not looking for girl scout cookies. (Now there were times where we had to save a friend’s life, and of course call/text. But for the most part, it’s not an emergency, it’s a booty call).
Commenting 10–20 times on every social media post I make. Especially stories on Instagram. The support is felt by commenting once or liking once. Or simply viewing and going about your life.
The d*** pictures on my public Snapchat. Blocked. I don’t want to see nudes. I’ve been seeing too many of that lately. I’m like no.
Every time I get on Facebook and you see the green dot next to my name, you message me. And you message me until I log off.
Come on gentlemen, get a f**** grip.
I’m real chill, so I’m like what’s gotten into some of y’all?
Once you get on my not trust list, it’s really hard to come off it.
I lost a guy I cared about at the beginning of 2021 (New Years). And you are not going to swoop in on me like a hawk. I need friends right now because I’ve watched a lot of people in my life pass away. If you try to put me in a compromising position I promise I’ll keep my distance from you. I have all the self control in the world. And my restraint will put your a** back on the train tracks.
As someone who is the only child and thrives on my alone time, I’m turned off by this behavior. (more on this below).
As someone who has medical issues, chronic illnesses and don’t feel that great; I have to have surgeries, my head is banging. I can’t begin to tell you how irritating it is to look down at my phone, and see 20+ messages from guys. (FYI. Me and my friends that I still talk with agreed to reach out to each other 2 to 3 times a year. Life isn’t like that where we can talk like we did in school/movie set/volunteering/etc. We are on different paths, a number of them are starting/having families, and we don’t have the time like they used to. ) The guys that call themselves liking me constantly make it on my block lists. Reaching out 10 to 20 times a day is violating boundaries on so many levels, I don’t care how much you are into someone. I’m not playing and through with the games. If you can’t control yourselves, you won’t have me in your life as a friend.
And sure, there is guys that I liked. But I just told them, and didn’t expect them to necessarily like me back.
- I never circled the guys house or jobs
- Waited for hours for them to come out of their job.
- I never called or texted 20 times in an hour, like guys do/have done me.
- I never comment on guy’s posts 10-20 times in a row, like guys have done me.
- I don’t comment 10-20 times on their Instagram stories, like guys do me.
- I don’t comment on every YouTube video, sometimes 5 comments a video, like some guys have done me.
If it doesn’t add to my peace I don’t want to be bothered.
This is thirst behavior and had to put a stop to it. I appreciate a comment here and there, and supportive friends. Protecting my peace is number 1.
None of this peace.
P.S. If I do change my mind about kids, I will go the single parent route (but read 16a, more in likely not). Too many bad experiences with men, threatening my peace, and I said you know what. Nope. Ossiana also wrote this dime piece. I will be referring to her a lot, that woman and I have never met, but she understands me.
I really hope my cousins and girlfriends in relationships find everything they are looking for and more. I hope they know I’m really rooting for them and their successes. I can be happy for them but not want it myself. I’m also hip to the jive. I don’t know how Ossiana understands me and my stances on motherhood and relationships in just two articles, but she did it with ease. Ladies out here, I love you, but I’ve seen also how vicious too many are towards each other and whew. When insecurities, jealousies, and competition is at play, women can be cruel to each other. I’ll also avoid most mother groups like the plague. Oh I rather be on Skid Row, go unclaimed at the morgue than to ever trust or to put my life in a guy’s hands like that again. It was so bad and embarrassing. I never knew I could fall off so bad I until I experienced that.
Here’s to being the best Caylee (read Ossiana’s article to become hip to the jive), and the best supportive auntie to the girlfriends and cousins in my life. I have a list of auntie duties that I work on.
#10. I do not trust therapy or help, because I’ve had too many bad experiences with it.
Yeah this is not going to sound good. But hear me out.
I unknowingly became a puppet, because I believed the lie they were looking out for me. I found out the hard way this isn’t the case.
I got advice from my religion at the time that made the situations worst. For that and many other reasons, I distanced myself from my religion.
I ended up in situations I did not mean to be in. I found myself in trouble I could have never imagined.
All because on several occasions I said hey, this is above my paygrade.
As stated in this Tik Tok video, I think you give anyone the opportunity to use what you been through against you they will. Especially if they get angry enough at you. Or vindictive.
(FYI. I reached out to my cousins way too much in 2021 & 2022, several friends passed away and it was tough. I won’t reach out like that and bother so much in the future, sorry cuzzies/cousins for being a burden, for real. ) I’m pretty sure they saw my messages and wanted to say ew not her again.
I mean cousins, it was bad and that’s when I reached out.
So after going through life.
I’ve had it done to me multiple of times, and said you know what, this is not worth it.
I have some experiences after asking for help, on what the help really did? I really was better off not saying anything. It made things worst.
Here’s a few examples, and I’m not going to tell every story because this article is long enough. A lot of these experiences made me put down therapy for good.
Therapist A.
Therapist A. The school therapist gossiped to the school office about the kids that came in to see her. They talked about people so bad, that you almost couldn’t believe that teachers in a Catholic grade school environment was acting this way. A few parents got killed/passed away during my time in grade school. The conversations in that front office was unbelievable. They were damn gossiping like a bunch of school girls in a high school posse.
When they told me to go see her about my grandpa, and my period starting? Nope. I went to see her a few times. And stayed silent the whole time. With the exception of asking her how her day was. Talked about general topics like the weather. I can’t trust this one at all.
Therapist B.
This therapist(s) know my family member(s). Especially if you know my immediate family member. I’m not coming anyways, but especially that.
I overheard this family member talking shit to this therapist about me. I’m like nope, if you can’t stay neutral or if you are a family member’s friend. Hell no.
Therapist C.
I got into legal trouble listening to this horrible shit bag advice. Holy f***. Instead of reaching out with an olive branch, this religious therapy priest-minister advice landed me in trouble that I would have never thought I would be in, in this lifetime…When you are met with a closed door, don’t keep reaching out with an olive branch. Sometimes the door doesn’t always open, sometimes it’s meant to stay closed. I wish the priest would have told me this: not everyone in church wants to be your friend. Not everyone in this world wants to be your friend. I was going through another round of watching friends pass away, and I was trying to be nice to others to get my mind of it, and boy that backfired. (When I watched friends pass away in my 20’s, I used to recycle, volunteer, and do nice things to get my mind off it. Nowadays I limit this. I didn’t think turning the other cheek would get me into that much trouble. One of the changes I made is no longer being with my religion in 2018.)
It worked in Natalie’s case. And in most cases, my friends from high school and college agreed that we will reach out to each other at least 2 to 3 times a year. But I should have stuck with my gut in two situations off the top of my head. Alesha, the Lord wants you to forgive those who trespasses against you. Be the change you want to see in the world. Be the love that you received on our Catholic retreats. Keep that retreat high going!
To be blunt and excuse my French. Does the Lord want me to keep being stupid about shit though? I don’t mind being a change agent. But at the same time. Let’s not be stupid about things, Alesha….The message should have been that the chapter is closed, go to the next chapter.
This is another case of me listening to “sage” well intentioned advice, and getting f**ked over.
Needless to say I listen to my own inner voice and gut more than ever nowadays. (And I saw angel numbers as I’m writing this section. Can you not show up when I admit that I was wrong about something? In this case, I was wrong for trying to be the bigger and better person in these particular cases, can you stop lol. I should have stuck with my gut instead of seeking out advice).
Especially after that I left my religion.
After the 3rd situation I’m like either in hell again or going to spend some time there at some point. There’s no way religious advice should have lead to all that turmoil. (Then again, my former religion has some major skeletons in their closets, but so do I. I can’t wait to make those skeletons dance.)
Just know that a therapist or a friend or anyone you care about, if they get angry enough at you. Can turn on you. Or if they get subpoena in court to save their own skin, they will. People are out to save their own skin.
But Alesha, they are obligated by law to not say anything.
I really want to believe you, but after 2022, I don’t.
I’ve seen therapists run their mouths like the middle school gossip queens. I’m done fooling with them because I can’t keep spending 1000’s of dollars over f**** bullshit.
No one is coming to save you.
10a. No one is coming to save you.
My YouTube(s) didn’t grow because I went to therapy. No therapist planned out my YouTube video schedule. No one told me to write articles until 2027 and schedule them out.
I didn’t become a sponsored athlete by begging for my friends support.
I became these things because I believed in what I didn’t see.
I bloomed in silence.
Your destiny is in your own hands. Your husband isn’t going to do it for you.
The friends you gossip to isn’t going to do it for you.
Your co-workers ain’t either.
You ultimately have to build the list of skills.
MarkBFit said somethings recently on Instagram that resonates with me. Despite your circumstances, you are responsible for your results.
Everyone wants what comes with being an entrepreneur, but no one wants the responsibility. -BMarkFit
Despite the outside world and your circumstances, the results you get is a reflection on you.
1️⃣ Self-belief is everything
Believe in yourself to the point of delusion.
You can’t let the opinions of others hold you back from reaching your full potential.
2️⃣ Keep your circle small
You need to be dialed in mentally, and having a big circle of friends can be a distraction.
3️⃣ To become elite, you need to BECOME an elite-level person yourself
You can’t expect other elite-level players to turn you into one, you have to do that for yourself.
4️⃣ Habits and rituals are key to success
What daily habits and rituals are you instilling to get you where you want to be?
5️⃣ Set goals so big that people think you’re crazy
Most people fail in life — not because they aim too high and miss, but because they aim too low and hit 🔥
Aim high and test your limits.
6️⃣ Hire someone who’s significantly farther ahead in life than you are
Learning from high-level mentors will shortcut your learning curve by years.
7️⃣ Be yourself
Authenticity is key if you want to create a lasting impact.
We came from nothing, and making $7 million a year is fucking surreal.
But with hard work, the results become inevitable. 💪-BMarkFit
10b. Life isn’t a Psy 120 class. I was done trying to figure out people years ago but..
I did put myself in different scenarios so I can keep building up my survival playbook and keep building up my skills.
I hang around with people who are more wealthier than me so I know how to conduct myself in those circles. VIP, fancy hotels, you name it. Been there. I’ve been to parties where the tickets cost 1000s of dollars, sometimes 10,000 dollars.
I also know how to conduct myself around ordinary every day people. I hang around people on the same level.
I also volunteer at shelters sometimes, so I can know how to survive in a shelter or on the streets if I had to.
For volunteer shifts, I sometimes ask people (and ladies) what advice they have. And take notes of what they do. I volunteered over 100 hours once, just so I can get a feel for what it’s like to spend your nights in a shelter for 6 months straight. Yeah I did that especially after being treated like a piece of shit in school, and realizing that sometimes life doesn’t plan out the way you want it to. There’s a lot of people who became homeless during the pandemic. I started sleeping on the beds they sleep on during shifts, eating what was offered at the shelter. How to deal if you don’t like what’s being offered? How to go several days without food? How much water to drink?
I’ve learned to prepare mentally before hand. If things go south, I think of 20 different scenarios before hand. And no you can’t always predict. But the mental prep beforehand makes a difference.
I taught myself how to stay up overnight. I’ve learned to keep one eye open. How to function semi tired. Where to sleep during the day so you can stay safe. One lady at the shelter told me she really doesn’t trust anyone. I asked people where do they store their stuff? What if you fall out of touch with your family? What if a crime is committed against you? How do you defend yourself? I ask the tough questions. I asked police officers what can a person do to stay off your radar?
I’ve signed up for classes on how to survive without electricity. Sometimes it’s good to learn just for the sake of learning. And while I’m not an expert like some other people, I’m working on building my skillset all the time. And you won’t hear me saying “OMG I LEARNED HOW TO build a fire without matches.” I just build the fire.
Here lately, there’s been a lot of power outages going on at my house. There’s been like 6 to 10 of them. The temperature fell below 40 degrees.
I played pretend. What if this was real life outside? I took off most of my warm clothes. I imagined sleeping in the cold with just a t-shirt and shorts and no blankets. I weigh under 120 pounds, so I got cold quick. It was brutal. But I wanted to learn what my body can handle.
I also volunteer at our bus station (the transportation system is ehhhhh). Our car broke down on my prom night. That subconsciously taught me how to deal with worst case scenarios.
I walked the length of Rosemont, Illinois to the half way point of downtown Chicago, just to see if my body could handle it. Same thing with the Indianapolis Motor Speedway to IUPUI. Same thing from the Sheraton Hotel In Hoboken New Jersey, to downtown New York. How do I make sure I’m observing my surroundings? What could I use as a weapon if I needed to defend myself? I actually put myself to the test and wanted to see if I could apply what the people in the shelter was telling me to do in real life. I still have some work to do.
Another thing I was told is people ride the bus when they don’t have anywhere to go. I asked if you don’t have any money, how do you get on?
I also was told that Arizona, Nevada or California are hot spots. Some people relocate out there during winter months. If you can make it to Hawaii, do it.
But then the conversation is: how do you get out there? Car, bus, plane?
All of this is educational to me.
What my experiences in this life has taught me that I won’t get cared for in the ways I was told I would get cared for growing up. I should have never expected anything from anyone. I won’t take advice from people that I wouldn’t want to switch places with.
People who give advice do not take responsibility for your failures if you follow it. It’s all your fault but not theirs. Their advice was always solid and brilliant. My ex used to answer. Ok then but YOU will take financial charge of failure if I do as you tell me and it doesn’t work out? Deal. As a rule, it scares the smarties off.-Inge_Du_Nord
#11. I had to make hard decisions along time ago, it’s like picking my poison.
I read on Quora that holding all of that in is not great for your mental health. Well my friend is this great for your mental health?
- Someone you think you can trust going around telling secrets on you to make fun of you. And this is why I tell people small things first.
- People using your friends’ deaths against you, as a way to tell you that it will make you a better person? Making fun of you saying you got problems as a result of watching your friends pass away?
- Just being honest about how you are doing after their deaths? And get told that you are a problem/have problems. Or told you are burden.
- Being made to believe that you are not worth helping
- Saying that you are living in the past, when you say that your friends’ death changed your life or invalidating your feelings.
- People taking it personally when you choose not to reveal things.
I picked my poison.
I rather keep it to myself and occasionally tell a trusted person after they prove they can be trusted. Everyone is not a friend, and I learned that the hard way. And the help that people said was there never existed when I showed up. I even had some from college once say in school, why are you expecting me to help you? (Off record: I wasn’t expecting anyone to take on my challenges. I just wanted to see/know I wasn’t alone as I solve the challenges myself. But it was made perfectly clear that kiddo, you’re own your own. And the people around you are waiting for you to sink to make fun of you.)
I had to adopt stoicism, Chadwick Boseman’s don’t let them see you sweat, and Buddhism principles. These people were cold and if I shed a tear it was used as a way to gaslight/make fun of/told you are weak/not worth it (I’m not Buddhist, but they have a lot of great principles). I had to go outside my own religion at the time to find what I was looking for in my early years, because they were more concerned with image, impressing the money folks and keeping up with the Joneses.
I remember in 3rd grade when my granddaddy Issac Peterson died, I was trying to keep a low profile. I didn’t tell anyone in my class.
I remember seeing him getting zipped up in a green body bag at the nursing home. And I was like, what are they doing to my granddaddy and why is he so still? Why is he not moving? Can’t they wake him up?
At 9, what I saw, along with other life experiences made me gain wisdom beyond my years. All of sudden, keeping up with the other girls and getting chased by boys didn’t seem as important. Being jealous of other people and wanting what they had didn’t seem as important.
(History lesson. I did not trust people in my grade school no further than I can throw, I wrote the story in another post. They were good at gossiping and being backstabbers. The priest in question was more interested in saving face, impressing the rich parishioners, going to his yearly Vegas trips at the time. And damn it’s none of my business what someone does on their personal time but shit if your school is being ran by a clique of cutthroat adults WTF are you doing sitting around letting an toxic environment thrive like this? You want to make everyone think that being Catholic makes us perfect and better than everyone else and it does not. He’s unlike most people, he’s into someone because of the size of their wallet, not who they are as people. They are quick to kiss up and are into the people with money and status struck. )
I remember for a couple of days being quiet. Day 1, no one said anything. Whew.
My principle announced over the speakers that fateful day:
ALESHA PETERSON’S GRANDPA ISSAC PETERSON DIED, KEEP HER FAMILY IN YOUR PRAYERS.
I was kinda embarrassed because I didn’t want people to treat me any different. I made it through those first few days of no one saying anything. And then it gets announced over the speakers.
I didn’t want to be bullied by any mean girls, or awed every time a teacher saw me.
I was really just trying to make it through the week.
In periods of my life where I didn’t feel safe. I had to make and provide my own safety net. And not say a word.
#12. I have several chronic illnesses. It makes me be in my own world.
Oh about people dismissing you.
That is a real thing, and I’ve had to stay away from people.
I have several chronic illnesses that I won’t discuss, but this lady in this yourtango article describes several of them perfectly.
saying childless women are not allowed to be tired or in emotional or physical pain because they don’t have children is just as demeaning and dismissive as attacking a new mom for using formula instead of breastfeeding.
I don’t need to be a parent to be tired. I have chronic pain from rheumatoid arthritis and polymyositis. And fibromyalgia, trigeminal neuralgia, and chronic migraines.
I’m a choose-your-own-adventure of chronic pain. Sharp zinging pain that makes me gag mid-sentence? Oh, yeah. Weird pain that’s half pins and needles, half feeling like I’ve been dragged behind a clown car at a Juggalo gathering? Yeah, let’s schedule that for all of Tuesday.
Sometimes that pain all comes together in one giant middle finger, and I end up unconscious on the couch for 16 hours. This isn’t a luxurious kidless snooze; I’m losing consciousness from the pain.
Being in constant pain that I can’t control or predict is physically and emotionally exhausting. Did I stretch, drink water, eat clean, work out, and meditate today? Yes? Great! Here’s a thunderclap of pain down your face for no reason! Welcome to the fun zone!
That giant middle finger is no joke.
I won’t even begin to get into all mine. Lets just say I discover new things about my body all the time. And sometimes those suckers come on unexpectedly. I have to learn to ignore when I hear an Aunt say I’m being lazy.
I describe mine at it’s peak being stabbed, being hit with a baseball bat with heated thorns, and headaches that last for days. I’m light skinned right? But one time I became pale white. I do not even know how my skin color changed like that. And one side I felt like I was being shot with a gun, and nails being pushed into the side of my skin.
And recently it felt like my uterus was trying to push it’s self out my body. It was on the day IU was playing Purdue (2/4/2023). I love my Hoosiers but I wasn’t feeling that great at all and it was like I was sweating bullets . And the best part was them winning, because my body was out of wack. And I looked flush and felt like I was going to get sick all day. I just didn’t say anything. It’s literally to a point where I live it through my family and friends when I’m not feeling well. Y’all, I don’t even have it in me to feeling like I’m missing out when I’m feeling like this, it’s like I’m falling into time and space. It’s like being in a dream like state, not knowing how much time has passed.
I’m just happy that my current medical team of doctors believe me. It’s isolating to be in debilitating pain for years and be dismissed and called crazy.
And not believed by people you care about because they don’t see the fun zone. (And it ain’t fun)
We live in a see it to believe it type world. To my fellow invisible illnesses peeps. We gotta hang in there together. It’s a part of our lives. I know there’s plenty of us suffering in silence on a daily basis. Personally, I don’t talk about it barely with the people I know. #2. I know I stay away from folks, because too many have started to become judgmental and like to add in their 2 cents every time they see me, don’t let it define you. This is not helpful, especially when you have a bad episode. Off record, I’m not trying to let it define me, by the way. I just had a pow wow with my doctors and they just told me the realities of what I’m dealing with. What they are doing is not cures. I have a close group of people I mention stuff to, every once in a while. But I don’t message them all day everyday going Omg, I’m in sooo much pain today, I got a stabbing headache and stomach ache to the point where I got sick 6 times. I feel like I just got hit with a bow and arrow. I don’t say a word. I know for me personally, I keep it to myself. I live my life, but I also face a reality. I cannot ignore the fact that they tell me it’s progressing and I actually feel it on a daily basis.
I remember when times were much more innocent and we spent Christmases at my Granny’s house. Before the health issues, before watching so many people pass away. When life had so much promise.
After my step grandad died in 2002, things changed. Aunts started becoming grandmas. Our family is big and many people started making their own traditions.
I really do appreciate people thinking about me and I want to be invited to family gatherings because I’m a family oriented person. I’ll show up to funerals and weddings and holiday gatherings. But nowadays? I’m also used to not being invited, and spending quiet days alone at home or with mom. Or with the dog. (And if you already have your crowd, don’t worry about including me, I understand whole heartily what it’s like to be around people you trust and keep others at a distance. Plus we so big you can’t invite everyone, it’s cool.).
Like I said. I do not have FOMO. I learned to not care about missing out. If you are not looking for it, you are not missing it.
I have 1000s of videos for my Youtube(s), and it’s a matter of scheduling them out. I keep content planned out because no matter how I’m feeling, I will keep my social media active.
No one wants to hear my excuses or circumstances all the time, even if it’s legitimate. My audience wants to see content regardless of what’s happening with me and I make it happen. I made up my mind. I will either figure it out or not. I have figured out YouTube on my own and can’t wait to figure out the others, on my own.
As a loner, I made up the thing of: you’re either going to sink or swim, and you have the power to choose.
#13. You’re used to people invalidating or dismissing your feelings. And on some level you know they don’t care.
20% don’t care and 80 percent are glad that you have them.
I think it’s awful that you tell someone they are living in the past when something awful or traumatic happened to them. I’ve overheard people say demeaning and dismissive things. When someone is opening up to you, this is not the time to cast your judgements or tell someone what you think. Or tell them that they are living in the past. They deserve to be heard. Also, grief is something I’ve learned to live with. There is no such thing as getting over it.
Lisa Marie Pressley said something that I really relate to.
One is that grief does not stop or go away in any sense, a year, or years after the loss. Grief is something you will have to carry with you for the rest of your life, in spite of what certain people or our culture wants us to believe. You do not “get over it,” you do not “move on,” period.
Two, grief is incredibly lonely. Despite people coming in the heat of the moment to be there for you right after the loss takes place, they soon disappear and go on with their own lives and they kind of expect for you to do the same, especially after some time has passed. This includes “family” as well. If you’re incredibly lucky, less than a handful will remain in contact with you after the first month or so. Unfortunately, that is a cold hard truth for most. So, if you know someone who lost a loved one, regardless of how long it’s been, please call them to see how they are doing. Go visit them. They will really really appreciate it, more than you know …
Three, and particularly if the loss was premature, unnatural, or tragic, you will become a pariah in a sense. You can feel stigmatized and perhaps judged in some way as to why the tragic loss took place. This becomes magnetized by a million if you are the parent of a child who passed. No matter how old they were. No matter the circumstances.
I already battle with and beat myself up tirelessly and chronically, blaming myself every single day and that’s hard enough to now live with, but others will judge and blame you too, even secretly or behind your back which is even more cruel and painful on top of everything else.
There's no such thing as moving on. I’m sorry if.
- You lost someone in a tragic way, like a car crash, and people say you are living in the past, or dismiss how you feel. I don’t care if it happened a year ago or 20 years ago. You are not living in the past. You are not playing victim. Your feelings are valid and you deserve to be heard. (I’m only on year 3 and 2, on the car crash end of things. I’m sorry if you lost someone to that and you been in the club for years. If you need to decompress and need a boxing buddy, I’m here. I really don’t mind a punch to the face sometimes. 😎)
- If you were abused, and it happened years ago. You are not living in the past, and you don’t need to be dismissed. You are not playing victim. You deserve to be heard.
- For many, grief lasts a lifetime.
- When someone betrayed you, someone apologizing for something that happened a long time ago is not little. That’s shows the character of the person.
- If you are financially well-off, and got burnt trying to help people, and you could have lost it all and had hard years. And people are suggesting to you that you are living in the past or playing victim because you avoid people and situations where you think friends/family/users are going to ask you for money. Someone stole from you, and you’re supposed to act like it’s nothing? This is not you living in the past. This is you being smart, protecting yourself, and keeping your circles small. I wrote an whole other article about this…I’m currently working on a part 2, Why The Successful Avoid You.
- The only thing I would suggest is be careful who you share your story with. Don’t cast your pearls before the swine. Not everyone can carry the weight of your story nor do they deserve your trust. Make them earn that sacred offering.
I do not talk about my friends passing away as much, or post anniversaries. I will occasionally post when a family member passes away and will ask for space. The judgement, people being dismissive over the years made me realize it’s a journey that I’m on my own with.
Healing is a process and it doesn’t happen overnight. And like Lisa said, there’s really no such thing as moving on. You learn to live with it.
As a loner, I’ve had to realize people don’t care.
#14. It’s no ones fault that bad things are happening to you.
I watch people lash out on others on Twitter.
I watched people take out their pain on other people. I watch people take out their pain on others in extreme ways.
I watched girls back stab and cut throat each other growing up. I voluntarily became a loner, because there is no way that this behavior is normal. The lengths that I’ve seen some people go to to take out their pain on others is wild.
I watched girls backstab other girls in college, especially in sorority houses. Whew.
Hurt people hurt people.
As a loner, if something is painful to me, I’ll just get quiet. I’ve been on the receiving end of friends taking out their grief, and trauma on me and it doesn’t feel good at all. I made up my mind not to be that way, and if I needed to, keep some distance from people if I can’t be nice that day. Or take a walk or go to the gym, and put extra weights on the bench press. I’m not going to spread gossip, just to see how much someone can take. Or yell at someone in a public setting in a mixed crowd of people. I’ll tell the people in my life listen, there is a lot on my plate. Can we watch a movie or go out to get my mind off of it?
Sometimes I felt like the whole weight of the world was on my shoulders and I didn’t say a word. And I won’t.
14a. Tomorrow ain’t promised.
Young folks reading this. (especially teens, 20 somethings, 30 somethings and even 40’s somethings. Even if you are 100 years young.)
I’ve seen a lot of my friends pass away a lot from the ages of 19–34 from 2009 to 2021. And I’ve seen 4 family members pass away in an 8 week period (again, my family is huge). I’m not saying this to scare you, I just want you to know we are not immortal. We are not invincible. We can’t be wished back with Dragon Balls.
Seeing this over time is scary, frightening, and enough for me to get going on my goals. I really hope it doesn’t take something devastating like that to get it moving for most people. Maybe you just have an interest, and just pursue it.
I’ve seen grandparents burying grandchildren. Don’t assume that just because you are younger, your date with destiny is automatically going to be after your older family members. Your older relatives may out live you.
Make each day count. If you want to marry, do it. If you want to stay single, do it.
Start that business, travel the world.
You might not have tomorrow to say, “I love you.”
#15. You learn to be careful with who you share your feelings with. And cut out the excess noise.
I’m a Gemini, but I was born close to Taurus and can heavily relate. (I’m only a couple of days off). A Taurus’s stubbornness and persistence is something I draw from when it comes to fitness, business or whatever. If you have a Taurus friend or family member in your life consider yourself blessed! This Gemini loves y’all and is influenced by the bull. There is a photo in one of my FB group that says the Taurus has the most common sense. (I’ll find the photo eventually)
I wish I could say that the people I love could handle have my feelings at different periods. Sadly it wasn’t always the case. When I asked for emotional support during several trying periods in my life (I’m leaving these stories out), I was dumped quicker than I could say boo. I was between a rock and a hard place and it just got worst. Like I said above, too many people in college and in life? Said I was too much and not worth helping. No, I wasn’t expecting anyone to help at all times of the day. When I asked for help one time, I remember it being mentioned that I was expecting too much and expecting friends to help me through it. It started to be more of a circus and more of a way to make fun of me, than getting help.
I’m like is this what trusting people looks and feels like? How about being more careful about who you trust, Alesha. And no longer putting the keys to my happiness into no one else’s pocket. No they couldn’t handle my feelings, but many opportunities were used to make fun of my feelings.
It’s interesting, I think the angel numbers and my horoscopes think I’m excellent relationship material (I’m not, but say what you want). Are you being held hostage by your insecurities? Give that man a chance to get outside your friend zone.
After becoming, losing a living situation, and listening to well intentioned advice that make me broke and embarrassed? And it happened over and over again every time I put my trust into a relationship up to this point in my life? I will not trust someone with my life like that again, and to suggest I put myself in that vulnerable state for shit’s sake is nuts. When I’m single, I thrive 100% better. I will find many ways to live life to the fullest, as a solo person (and the people in my life is seeing this before their very eyes, stay tuned). I also looked at myself thinking, why do my trust keep getting knocked like this over and over again in relationships? Is it something about me that makes people want to treat me this way? It’s my fault for allowing it to go on for too long, and this is me putting a stop to it. I was the common denominator in the situations in question, and take ownership for my part (or the bare minimum, just me sticking around too long…).
I’m done and moved on. On my tombstone my plan is to put single, h**** ho here, how you doing? Pour some Tequila down here so I can taste a sip, preferably 1800. (And one of those things where they can take a shot and leave a shot.)
The only one I do trust is my mother, when she shows up and makes sure my sorry ass makes it home from the hospital, during surgery seasons. Dudes and gals, I literally sign the papers saying you will not do this and this under sedation/anesthesia. You will not make legal decisions. And trust me, I’m in no state to be doing anything except sleeping.
As a loner, yes I do a lot of healing in private. Because life has taught me that it’s safer to go through hard seasons alone than to trust the wrong people. When I thought it was becoming too much, I did seek out support just to see empty rooms, unanswered calls and texts left on read. And get dumped. Or told I was too much, and the situations were made a lot worst. Unless I really trust them I do insulate my feelings. And even if I do trust the person/people in question, I think there’s a right time and a wrong time to bring things up. In other words, if you are on a girl’s trip with your girls. Or a boy’s trip with your boys. I won’t send a message about someone passing away.
Instead of talking with people that may get overwhelmed or find it burdensome. I go to Yoga, meditation, stoicism. I even looked up on how the monks and Buddhists handle things.
I’m thinking is this something I directly did? I started thinking about the decisions I made to get me to this point. I know life is not meant to be and feel this bad. I felt so bad that I started thinking my friends passing away was my fault, because the people around me were treating me badly, like I didn’t exist and going silent.
I scratch underneath the surface a lot. I just want the same love I render. I expect much because I was willing to do that much. Personally it was my fault for expecting a lot out of others. I’ll admit when I’m wrong. I’ll admit something when it’s my fault. (I’m hard on myself, especially in the gym, that’s my safe place to challenge myself). Yes, people can sometimes be shitty. But I also took ownership for trying to hang on to situations that clearly wasn’t working (I listened to the advice that if you stick with it long enough, it will get better, another well intentioned advice that got me no where.). In my case it got worst.
And about the second part, my actual Gemini horoscope.
There’s been plenty of times where I was told to try harder. I had nothing left because I had grief, burnout, exhaustion and pain. I remember before I was diagnosed, I had this really bad episode, where I felt like I was being stabbed with a knife, machete, and a cordless chainsaw was hitting my body. This was sometime after the heated baseball bat with thorns episode. But I felt sick all over.
I was told that I wasn’t trying hard enough.
So honestly when the Universe is serving up challenges, I have learned to go silent and tune people out.
A little advice here. When someone loses someone in a tragic way. Stay in their face and tell them it wasn’t their fault. Over and over again. And they are gonna need you for years after the fact.
Part 2 advice: If someone has a distant personality and has a tendency to keep you at arms length? You can’t seem to figure them out. They won’t tell you things and have a hard as nails exterior. Instead of poureth (pouring) your judgements, show compassion instead of calling them difficult, weird, clingy, or strange. There is a chance they had some sort of traumas or trauma they are dealing with. And you treating them cruelty on top of it? Ain’t helping. Or maybe that’s their personality, and you need to accept them for who they are.
#15a. Sadly, I’ve had experiences where people made fun of my tragedies (trigger warning)
I’ve had people from my school (i.e. college) say I have problems after telling them my friends passed away from suicide. And treat me like I wasn’t worth anything when I started being more vocal about how watching them pass away adversely affected my life. I can literally pull up friend’s obits from 2009 to 2021. They passed away from various things and it cuts deep. Now some people want to take the opportunity to make fun of me and keep picking with me about it, just for their own gain?
Looking at my friends in the coffin is punishment for life. There is some things you don’t un see. They don’t have to put salt in the wound, but some of them in different ways decided to.
So if I ran for politics, would someone keep picking with me about it and taking it that far? Would someone use my friend’s suicides against me in a political ad?
I’m watching how people are treating Hunter Biden. He has dealt with traumas in his life, and I notice how some are using it against him and making fun of him. I’m not saying he’s making all the perfect decisions (I don’t either).
Could I deal with being grilled like Ketanji Brown if I had to? On a regular basis? (As you know, being a black person in this world, you have to be perfect and can’t make any mistakes…
I’m used to being talked about like a dog, and lied on like the lowest form of human life, but making fun of someone who is no longer here to defend themselves isn’t cool. I’m watching politics and the more people suggest I run, I’m like do I really want people digging up my past? Do I want to be held hostage by it? Yuck (Final verdict. I made a mistake in the college I picked, and I really don’t want to be associated with the school at all under any circumstances, nope. I’m not going to lie like George Santos and lie about my background. Or put nice things on a resume just to make it look good. I would rather have someone of the opposite political party run me over with a car and me have my body unclaimed in the morgue than to ever say I went to that school. Yuck. I asked a funeral director is it possible to set it up where IU fans can smack my body with a frat paddle and paint my ass white and red as they walk by when my time is up, lol? Then transport me to California, where I can be surrounded with smokes? I was treated so badly at the school in question that I’m sometimes convinced I’m in hell. Working my way up to the next destination, what ever that is. )
Back on topic.
Could I deal with reaching out across the aisle, and being called a traitor by my own party? And not get re-elected because I stand up for what’s right, even if it’s going against what everyone else is doing? There’s is some things I’m keeping an eye on.
Could I deal with being made fun of and running on flumes at the same time? Since it has happened to me multiple times already, it’s a question of if I wanted to deal with it again on a world stage, over and over.
This is a cautionary tale of why you should be careful who you share your story with. I was stupid for trusting people from school, because the minute I was in a vulnerable state it was used against me badly. Multiple times.
I was basically shown better than I was told that my needs won’t get met through other people. And trusting the wrong people ain’t worth the risk. As a 17 year old, I wish I was told the opposite message: it’s a cold cruel world out here, and most of the people you go to college with won’t care. Asking for scholarship money or any sort of help isn’t worth it. You will pay for it for the rest of your life honey, don’t sign the dotted line. And in your next lifetime, maybe consider an alternative to college. Shit. (And make it a point to visit around with family and friends on campus but girl don’t enroll.)
It took me 10 years to get 1 million views on Youtube. And 1 month to get 2 and 3. I notice with my newer Youtubes, it’s growing quicker than my first Youtube channel ever did.
As a loner, because I don’t trust people, I had to build up a ton of skills that’s obvious and not so obvious. Because of this, it may take me a tad bit longer than other people to obtain things. Oh well, I making my bed and lying in it.
#16 . I got good at compartmentalization.
I’m not into religion anymore, but lately videos like this been showing up in my feed.
You have a good heart and people have abused you in many ways is an under statement. I’ve always had good intentions. I’m not perfect and I make mistakes.
But my intentions are good. (And I think this is one of the reasons why good things happen to me with ease, and it looks like to others I get things without trying. Understand for the second time I’m not a perfect person and make plenty of mistakes, but my heart is in the right place. Bet).
One solution would be to bring my friends back. The ones that are dead were better to me than many of the ones that are currently living. Work your magic bud.
(And I know that won’t happen) And here’s the bigger deal.
Hey family and friends sorry if you are reading this. But I don’t believe. And once I left my religion, my parish and took a step back from everything things really started to pop off for me. I did the opposite of everything everyone told me to do, and it worked out better, as suppose to believing and getting my a*** burned and sent to the choppers by my religion, specifically my parish at the time, who only cared about making money, NFL tickets, and Pacers tickets. And hiding bad behavior, just to get exposed to the world and them try to cover up, instead of taking responsibility for the damage they done. I’m through with them, and I don’t think I want to come back.
I’m proud to be a Peterson, but I want to pass it on in another way. Through all my cousins. I love showing up to the Peterson-Peters family reunions and being a die hard. I love being supportive and showing up for the not so easy things like funerals.
If I thought about everything all the time, I would bust under pressure. I had to get really good at compartmentalization.
P.S. I feel like religion and relationships are trying to force my way back into my life. I’m pretty stubborn, and the answer at this time is no. Both of them caused a lot of unnecessary pain and grief and I had enough of both of them. Both contained toxic toxic situations. Becoming broke and not being able to afford the basics during the aftermath was the hardest cruelest lesson to learn. People, I felt like a failure at life enduring both of them for too long. Literally once I got rid of both of them, my life got better and more peaceful. And my Youtubes grew, and I have so many opportunities coming in. The answer is no.
16a. I’m called to be an auntie, and I work on my auntie duty list often.
Around the age of 15, I thought it was nice to be a mom. Maybe in my 30’s I’ll settle down. But somethings went down, changed how I saw life as early as 19 up until 24. I was told that I wanted this and that, and it made me unhappy. There’s that one quote by T.D. Jakes or some other people saying if you don’t like your life, change it. I did, and that’s one of the reasons why it appears like things are popping off left and right for me. I got rid of my religion, and left several painful situations. I’m even rooting for new teams nowadays. I’ve changed a lot of things, and took on new identities. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s for my own good.
On top of the medical issues, if doctors told me that I can’t have kids, it’s not the end of the world. I told them if they wanted to put their efforts towards another person/patient who wants kids, cool. To me, it’s no big deal. Around the age of 25, I swung into the child-free side. I’ve had the Betty White Syndrome ever since. I wrote a few articles as to why I’m cool with staying on the child-free side.
Hi cousins (and family), if you happen to be reading this and make it this far. First and for most, I love you! I love being a Peterson girl! I want to pass on my legacy through you, because at this point being a mom is not for me and I really don’t see a pathway at this point anymore. If I were being honest, I’ve had some painful things happen in my life, and I’m thinking I don’t want to bring kids into this world anyways. I fell off badly when my friends passed (and we are into the double digits at this point) and had a few not so good situations and relationships. Y’all, it was pathetic and not being able to do the basics was the tip of the iceberg. I did not think life could get so bad, to the point where I was like damn why was I born and am I meant to be here? I hope you don’t take me being quiet as me not wanting to talk. Some of my life experiences makes me quiet, other times I’m not feeling well. And sometimes I just want to be quiet, haha. And my bad if I don’t answer the phone.
Some of my medical issues are progressing to a point where I’m like look doctors, I love what you are doing, but this is painful. If my doctors told me I can’t at some point, no big deal. It’s literally between me keeping my fertility or my quality of life (they even explained it to my mom after a surgery, I’m just happy to be believed by doctors finally). I just have several lingering health issues going on, and I hid them for years. I technically had them since I was 15, and I wasn’t believed until age of 25. So them suckers had 10 years to clean house, i.e. my body. (I can’t hear that well out of one of my ears anymore, so I may ask you to repeat things, my bad. I hope you consider learning sign language with me, and thank you Justina Miles for repping us at the Superbowl! And I have a long way to go with ASL. Just being honest. I have no idea what I’m doing.)
And past behavior predicts future behavior (Thanks Dr. Phil for the quote.) Cousins, One of the things they mentioned that even if I did successfully become pregnant, my miscarriage rates could be a lot higher. When my friends passed away, people disappeared and wasn’t there so many different periods in my life. So as doctors was telling me this, I was thinking. If I miscarried a lot, could I deal with it on my own like I have with so many other tragedies in my life? People say they would be there, but what they say and what they have done are two different things too many times. And would I expect things to be different those trying times? Sadly no. When people go silent on you when you reach out for help, this means they don’t want to be bothered. Not responding to texts, Instagram messages is a thing. Remember, no response is a response.
So yeah. Me and my doctors have the pow wow fireside chats all the time. And I appreciate the honesty and transparency. I’m literally at the station in my life if I can’t deal with it on my own, I rather not sign up for the rodeo. Even this cowgirl and her rope has limits.
Yeah I know I’m the only child but there’s is plenty of us, I’ve made peace with passing my bloodline on through you all, not with me having kids. Our bloodline is strong, and I’m not worried at all about us.
I told doctors I got plenty of cousins, and the more I live life, the more I align with being an auntie (and I’m working on my aunty duty list). When they say my Uterus is angry at me, I believe them, loves I live with it every day.
After losing a lot of friends to suicide, and watching a few get killed, mental health and mom’s self care takes on another level of importance in my life. When you lose friends this way enough times, I personally wondered if I could have saved my friends, or at least notice any signs. We saved a few, so why couldn’t we save them all? And we (meaning several of the friend groups I ran in) blamed ourselves a lot, because we were around them and didn’t notice anything. A lot of my trusted people are gone, but at least I can be helpful in looking out for the self care and mental health of my loved ones. A little bit after declaring my auntie status, an Instagram dedicated to mom’s mental health and mom suicide prevention followed me on Instagram. That’s when I knew I found one of my purposes. Like out of all of the millions of people they could follow, they found me. I literally said in my head that day, being a mom is not for me, and I make a better auntie. I want to be the b***h that gives my cousins free time to roam with their girls if they decide to become moms. Or ask my cousins if they got enough sleep, or if they had any time to themselves? If not, how can we make that happen loves? What does that look like? Does this mean me taking the kids over night while you go out with your girls? Or staying in the hotel with them while y’all go out? The best sign from the Universe ever that I’m on my path that’s uniquely mine.
Our time on this earth is short, and it took me watching a lot of friends passing away to realize it. Seeing enough coffins close on many of my friends was really painful and scary. And it’s to the point I rather not have no funerals for me because I’ve been to so many funerals starting from age 9 up to now. Kid and 20 something funerals are the most painful and going to a few of them destroyed my spirit in college especially. It’s really hard to come up with words in the English language how painful it is to bury people that young over and over again.
(This is me trying to explain. I remember getting hit to the stomach and face for a sparring match some years back for martial arts, and that didn’t hurt as bad. I was bleeding another time, took a kick to the shins, and walked around with a limp for a week. That doesn’t hurt as bad and went away. I remember I fell on my elbow, and bled out to the point where I saw my bone on the inside. I didn’t ask for ice or sue. I still got the small scar from that faithful night. I remember bleeding out from my stomach a few times after surgeries, and the stabbing pains and stinging pains from that doesn’t compare. It might be a painful time for me to move, but I wrap it up for a few weeks and stay still. Every time that surgery happens, it’s best for me to not move too much. I think this is why people don’t take it seriously when I say I have chronic illnesses, my pain tolerance at different periods of my life was unusually high. I stay silent. Blunt force blows are second nature to me. And you won’t see me making Facebook statuses on the pain I might be in on any given day(s). But losing people in tragic ways is something I can’t describe. Cousins, you are living your lives, and there’s already enough negativity in the world. The last thing I want to do is add to it. I keep a lot to myself and choose not to post everything on Facebook. If you haven’t noticed, I go for months or years without posting. )
I rather not subject anyone to that level of pain. Just go eat your favorite food and drink your favorite drink to honor me when shit hits the fan with me. (One of my nicknames is Tequlia Alesha for a reason, I’m pretty sure a few of you have seen my snaps after going out. I’m fun when I get that way.) I hope with every chance I get, I get to say I love you more. I’m proud of y’all and the lives you are leading.
What does love look like? Is it the way you insert endearment as a replacement to the names of the people you call your tribe? Perhaps it is in how you agree to share your bed or your meat, even though you would rather not. It might even be accurately deduced in the way you chest inconveniences because the people in your life need you in a way that might not be convenient for you, at a given time, yet you show up.-Nyerovwo Kohwo
I love how y’all bounce back from adversity. I adore you cousins.
Seeing you getting treated right in your relationships and friendships is next level happiness for me.
Or if you solo, I’m happy for the path you’re on.
I love calling you, my cousins my legacies.
I love your travels.
Cousins, I’m not that great at giving advice, but I’m good at being a listening ear. (And I’m losing my hearing, so I may repeat things to make sure I’m hearing you, sorry loves.) I’m listening to understand, not reply.
I just ultimately want you all to be happy.
Cousins, I do not really care about being seen as important or popular or in the “in crowd”. I’m the only child and have always been used to being a lone wolf. I don’t want to always be right. I do not fit in anywhere, and honesty at this point I don’t try to. I just ultimately want you all to be happy. I just want to always show up and be supportive, even if it’s in a quiet, low key way. Like keep it on the down low.
They are loyal friends and can love like no other — ultimately, they just want to give love and be loved.
You’re pure of heart.
You have genuine intentions.
You’re loved.
I see stuff like this show up on readings and horoscopes and no your cousin ain’t perfect.
And these show up in my YouTube feed. (I had to draw the line on them calling me a Sage and the Chosen One too). First YouTube God and saint, then that. Lordy. (When you achieve things, sometimes, the way people kiss your butt is so fake to me. I want people to just be themselves. Please people. Damn. Even my horoscopes have been wild and out there lately. They are on my side no matter what, huh? They regret what they did huh? Bullshit. Let’s not get carried away lol.) I pick my battles, and I’m glad that signs and angel numbers tell me I did the right things, and I was right when standing up. And with that being said, I wouldn’t even go as far as saying I was 100% right. For years, I just wanted to be happy. Sometimes, you have to stand up, even if you are doing it by yourself. This was one of those times. I just brought attention to 3 very difficult topics: racism, suicide and mental health. I was just quiet for over 20 years, and it was time I open up my trap.
I just hope at the end of the day I always show up for you and be the love I never received at different periods of my life. Due to some of the things that went down, I don’t always believe the you’re loved part. I’m just being honest with the way I feel, I don’t. I don’t like drawing attention to myself, but thanks for always making me feel welcomed whenever I see you. Since I’m the only child I lowkey turn to my quiet side a lot.
If I ascend to the level of ancestor/ or if my time on this earth is up before yours (remember tomorrow ain’t promised), I hope you don’t mind a nutty cousin as your guardian angel (hey, Jimmy Stewart ’s character had Clarence on It’s A Wonderful Life haha, you can’t win them all). Like I said, I love being a Peterson! I want to be with y’all until infinity and beyond, through thick and thin, and good times and in bad. And in every lifetime I ever shall live. I love being supportive up close and a far. Even if it’s a like on a photo (sorry for everything I miss).
I don’t mind being an auntie, ancestor and whatever role is needed of me. Here’s to showing up always in different ways. And please don’t judge me for the gray hairs. I plan on being fully grey soonish (and no I’m not coloring my hair, if it falls off I’ll sport a shorter look like I did last time)!
Love you always, see you soon family!
More than all the hardships and betrayals, more than the heartbreak and distrust, they will love harder than anything. Because they know what it feels like to feel unwanted by the one parent who was supposed to want you more than anything in the world. And they would never want to make anyone else feel that pain.
16b. But you would be a great parent.
No I wouldn’t be. Thank goodness I have my groups at Rich Auntie Supreme that understand me. And other places.
Y’all really going off the rails talking about this. I have my gifts and talents. But I also know which lanes not to swerve in and this is one of them. I appreciate the kind gesture, but please re-consider calling me a great mom.
(If people keep joking like that, I got jokes too. I should be a mother like Charles Manson should be a preacher.)
I left a comment there and other places. Hope it resonates with someone out here.
I have medical issues and I can’t imagine adding kids to the mix at this point. It would be an ever loving nightmare. I had a period of my life where I did everything for several groups of people and it went unappreciated, unnoticed and they were so ungrateful. I went through watching a lot of people in my life pass away with zero support. People went silent on me when I could have used a listening ear. I basically got a close up preview of what being a mom was like in this world, where a woman is expected to be everything to everyone. There was some people in the groups that confirmed this too, was like congratulations B****, you were the closest thing to being a mom without being there. Did you enjoy it? The world expects so much of you, but gives you little in return. And I hated my life. I experienced a level of exhaustion, grief, burnout and tiredness that I cannot put into words. But in those situations I could leave, and did. I can’t imagine being in a permanent situation where I’m losing myself, not making time for myself, a lack of support and help, losing my hobbies and friendships. In addition revolving my life around kids to the point where I would lose my identity. Or having a partner, but still doing the majority of housework and child caring duties. I would not want to become the person that posts about my kids all the time on social media, and forget who I am as my own individual person. I also give without expectation, & I can’t imagine being expected to pour from an empty cup all the time, which moms are expected to do all the time. I had first hand experiences of trying to pour from an empty cup, and it’s not a road I’m going down again. Unless I have regular nannys, babysitters, and time to myself it’s a hard no for me. I’m the only child and crave my alone time. That time to myself is my requirement. I live a quiet life nowadays, and I tell these guys look. I saw my crazy side before, and I won’t let ANYONE take me out of my peace like that again. If you try to add noise to my solitude, we are gonna part as friends. And due to having a number of chronic illnesses and surgeries, it’s prolly not the best idea. Team childfree and single for life. P.S. Mom’s self care and mental health is important to me. Where’s the people that show up for the moms, who care for their newborns and kids? I’m sure a mom wants just as much love and support that they give to their kids and newborns. I live with the consequences of caring too much, running on flumes, feeling like the rest of my life will be a train wreck, having a full plate, living in distress on a daily basis, living in fear of losing everything all time in my 20's. I felt like a failure at life in those moments. I can’t imagine being a mom at a breaking point and not having a break. And living in a world with double standards, that tells you that if you don’t figure it out, we will take the kids away from you. Or have CPS called on you if you make a simple mistake that will follow you. And other mom’s judging your parenting style, and being critical of you. I have a lot of cousins that want to be moms (or already moms). I do plan on taking the kids on weekends so they can have time to themselves (of course trust needs to be build first, I do not expect anyone to just trust me right off the bat). But to deal with the insanity of having kids 24/7, 365 days a year? Nope.
I hit rock bottom listening to well intentioned advice. Now I’m getting berated about me being a mom by some guys who call themselves liking me. I’m like no, I’m not going to become a parent to find out what I’m missing on. Or to get financially ruined again. Crawling out of that place, I do not want to crawl back in. Oh by the way, when I was down there the people that claimed they would help WAS NO WHERE TO BE FOUND. Would I expect help to come to me because I want it to or need it to if I became a mother? No, I see things for what it really is, not for what I wish for them to be. Hard times showed me who my true friends are and I learned some cruel lessons.
This is why I want to be an auntie, and help out with cousins, instead. I want to be there for them in the ways I wish people was there for me in my 20’s. I’m currently updating my auntie duty list yearly.
Keke Palmer is right. Moms deserve a cape. You all are the super heroes of the world and do so much. There’s so many who are willing and wanting to be mothers, and this auntie wants to be supportive as an auntie, not a mother.
And one more note, I’ve had several sponsorships come my way, and guys are now deciding to send d*** pics on a weekly basis. I’ve made the choice to walk away so many times in my life and these are no different. When the kids are here, and you regret having them, or you are in a hard circumstance, you WILL GET BLAMED FOR THE CHOICES YOU MADE. The kids didn’t ask to be here. I make the choice all the time to walk away because the guys who are talking kid this and kid that I don’t trust with a 500 foot pole. They are saying that shit to get what they want in the heat of the moment. If something happens it’s on me, I’m responsible for the choices I make in this life no one else. We live in a double standard world where the woman gets blamed. And after so many horrible experiences on trusting other people and getting ruined because of it, why in the hell walk down that same road AGAIN? I thought to myself, are you insane girl? Did you not get enough of that through your other experiences? If you can’t take care of yourself, or if you are financially ruined, why bring new life into this world and put kids through that? Money is not going to just fall out the sky fool! I believed the shit in my younger years, because I was naive and didn’t believe people are that cruel. And I won’t be that f***** idiot again. Make choices, then expect the world or government to take care of you. No way. 2023 Alesha is a lot different than 2009 Alesha, trust me.
I leave nothing to the imagination.
Here’s another one that stood out to me, it’s not my comment. But I heavily relate.
When all my friends began to have kids and they mostly complained about it. When they would say I love my kids but if I could go back I would’ve never had them” or “I would have waited longer after I lived my own life.” When my mom friends complained about the lack of help or doing most of the work even if they were married or the father was involved. When they’d share the kids fathers being jealous of the kids because of how much time they would be spending and devoting to their own kids-that one really blew me I think. When I’d see my friends or relatives have kids and no longer have free time for other relationships or hobbies or for themselves even. When my brother told me he hadn’t showered in two weeks because of taking care of the baby. How he had migraines every day from the crying and lack of sleep. When I asked my ex bf why he wanted kids and he said to “build a legacy.” When I saw what my own parents went through raising myself and my siblings. All of the dreams deferred. When I would tell my friends I didn’t want kids and they would respond with “who’s going to wipe your ass when you get old?” I could go on but I’ll leave it here.-thebodycovesoap
#17. I had to let a lot of dreams go.
I let go of the timeline of when I thought things should happen.
When people let me down, I prepared for it way before the fact, so the burn wouldn’t go as deep. (But it still stung).
In other words, I went against this quote.
When it comes to my goals, yes this quote applies. People, well…let me explain.
I gave up on people in some instances in the circles I ran in, because the scenario of them in my head was a lot different than reality. I was expecting friendship out of a few of them, which was too much. I was expecting loyalty, trust and support (meaning not hold my hand or get me through life everyday, just an occasional hey are you good when life happens) just to find out they were cutthroats, gossip greens and backstabbers. Just to find out that to them, and too many people I knew from my schools. I was too much to reach out to or I was expecting them to help me out. No, not quite.
From my understanding of a friendship, they are supposed to be there through thick and thin, keep your secrets, and not stab you in the back.
Apparently, I was asking for too much. (And please correct me if I’m wrong, if I missed the memo on what a true friend is let me know). The true friendships from the momentary happiness quotes on Instagram in my former circles is too much of a ask. Remember the point where I said everyone is not a friend? I regret calling one too many I went to school with friends, they were acquaintances. In my early grade school years, I was young and naïve and didn’t believe that both kids and adults could be that cruel.
So here’s my updated list.
- I stopped being the go to person for people you can’t go to.
- I stopped breaking my back for people who wouldn’t break a sweat for me.
- I really did give up on friendship with many people, my intentions were always genuine. I wanted something real and to build up trust. I do regret not seeing it for what it was sooner, the signs were there.
- The many people I loved in my school years are the people I could trust the least.
#18. I do a lot of hard things everyday.
#19. You have to be honest with yourself about what’s happening behind the scenes of your life.
For years, my Youtube numbers sucked.
I faced a reality check.
I’m like Alesha, you been at this for a long time, and your numbers are still this low. Come on, you either gonna shit or get off the toliet.
In order to improve, you have to be honest with yourself and where you are at.
#19b. Drop your ego, but keep your confidence. (PAY attention to this one, this is a secret I don’t discuss much but it’s worth noting)
I notice people get angry when you tell them they are wrong. I know people personally who get defensive. And wanna fight. I’m like ok, let’s go. (They are full of car manure. And more bark than bite. But I am used to blunt force blows just in case.)
As someone who is an loner, I’ve learned that you have to leave plenty of room for error and you are gonna make plenty of mistakes.
No one person is an island. But many of times I had to be my own island. I stopped looking for heroes, to be understood and support years ago.
Other times I engage .
I’m not going to ever know everything, and there’s people out there with knowledge and skills I don’t have.
This is one example of many.
For YouTube especially. I went to people that were younger. Influencers that I have no idea who they are. Their fanbases are crazy. Bigger than mine. There’s niches for everything.
I’ve been at this YouTube thing for years, and my numbers stink. WTF am I doing wrong. Simply put it out there.
I said this in 2019 before the pandemic.
I got trained.
On top of trial and error and experimentation on my part. My Youtubes are doing great.
Humble yourself often.
You’re not stupid for not knowing something.
If you get angry or defensive when someone says your wrong, explore why. Are you really defending yourself? Or do you not want to face the reality that’s staring you in the face? If you can be ok with being wrong, at least sometimes, you can actually learn something.
If I’m 60 and learning from a 20 year old, I wouldn’t have no problem with it. Some people have real big ego problems from learning from someone younger or someone younger being their superior. I don’t care.
Some of my teachers are in Hype Influencer Style Houses In California. Living their best lives. Earning millions of dollars. While I know one too many people who I went to school with are fronting appearances, trying to compete with each other. And playing one up games. And it’s not everyone, but too many people are into keeping up with the Joneses.
#20. I stopped listening to well intentioned advice. Because ultimately, listening to everyone growing up made me unhappy.
I have quite of few of my mom’s friends, and people in my life telling me that I have all these talents and I should work a 9 to 5.
You all know how I feel about this. I’m not a 9 to 5 person.
I burned out on flumes doing what everyone else suggested I do. Exhaustion, grief, burnout all in one is no joke.
I’m going to start asking what they think these talents are.
Just because I have the capability to do something, doesn’t mean it’s my destiny.
I will use my talents where I see fit, not how the world sees how I need to use them. Literally listening to bad well intentioned advice really pulled the wool over my eyes. And made me feel like I was already in hell. I had to unlearn a lot of things.
I listened to advice that college would improve my life in my grade school and high school years, just to find out in college that it wasn’t going to get me where I wanted to be and needed to be. I keep seeing 111 and 222 (and plenty of others), and realized that in one of the articles, it mentioned.
But sometimes, due to past disappointments or negative experiences, we can lose sight of what that path is.
Have you ever wanted something for a long time, just to finally get it and realize it’s not what it’s cracked up to be? And it ended up being a nightmare? Everyone and their mother told me that college would improve my life, and while I love my friends I met. I realized too late that it wasn’t for me. After watching so many friends pass away in college, it changed how I saw life.
Just because people claim I could be a good mother, doesn’t mean shit. (I’m not going to have kids just because people say I’m missing out on something. I listened to advice of college improving my life and look what happened there. Nope. This time I’m listening to my own inner voice, and cutting out the excess noise. )
Just because I have a talent to be a good wife (or so they claim), doesn’t mean I have to or want to do it. It’s not my destiny. In my opinion, I make a better tree climber and a football player on the Indianapolis Colts squad (if they are accepting female players…which I know they are not. I’m joking, I wouldn’t play football even if I could at this point haha).
Listening to every one and well intentioned advice made me unhappy, unfulfilled and made me question my life choices.
I got to be honest. While “working hard” i.e. jumping from Cincinnati, Chicago, LA, New York auditioning. I wasn’t gaining much traction in auditions. Am I well known from some of the acting work I’ve done? Nope. I’m not in acting/music for accolades, I just want to earn a living. I’m not auditioning or doing any acting projects right now. I was just told I have to have another surgery, which doesn’t excite me at all.
Due to hearing loss, I’m not recording music right now. And they are not sure if my hearing will come back.
And I’m deciding to create businesses that will compliment/align with music and acting until I get back. I’m also thinking of creative ways to go viral.
Now that I’m at home, recovering from surgery, being told I have to have another surgery in the future (which I’m putting off, I don’t want to do it at all), not actively working as hard? My social media has grown more from just sitting still than moving. Literally just uploading old food videos and scheduling content a year out has gained me more traction. I’m actually a sponsored athlete, and that didn’t come from me busting my butt submitting resumes, people pleasing, living the status quo, fronting appearances, keeping up with the Joneses, tiring myself out at a 9 to 5er and exchanging my time for money.
I’m not suggesting that working hard doesn’t sometimes work (in fitness I work physically hard to challenge my muscles). But I’ve found that working smart (i.e. zigging while others zag, ignoring well intentioned advice) gained me traction.
My biggest talent is wanting to earn money in my sleep, and not being a work slave. Because listening to everybody growing up and their “well intentioned” advice nearly destroyed me.
(Exception: if I can play as bad as my Colts played this 2022–2023 season and get paid, sign me up. My ass will show up for that rodeo. I literally don’t understand how players can get paid to play so badly. There’s a few rare exceptions I’m willing to make….)
#21. My self-esteem is not defined by this world.
I recently watched a Dr. Phil show.
What if you get the attention, and wishes it would go away? Can I switch positions with these women? The minute it stops, I’ll be the happiest girl on the planet. I really hope it doesn’t happen at 60, I wish the madness would stop like right now.
(One of the things I may have to come to terms with, is if this Youtube/Influencer thing gets bigger, it might be a regular thing I have to learn to deal with. I’m like please chill out….I have turned off my phone before. Right now, I just have an audience and I’m not famous which is my sweet spot, but I have to prepare for any scenario.)
At an early age, I was taught not to define my self esteem and self worth on what others think of me. I do not do extra things to get attention. When guys look my way, keep it in it’s proper perspective. I watched women their whole life go out of their way to get attention from men, and I’m like for real? Breaking your neck for someone who won’t break a sweat for you? This is not me. To me it isn’t worth the headache. And why do I need to waste my time getting someone else’s attention for? I welcome friendship, but I hate that a lot of guys that I know that call themselves liking me are doing all kinds of thirsty things to get my attention (re-read my thirst factor list). It’s ridiculous to me. I get my self-assuredness and self-esteem through inner sources, not the outside.
I have a lot of fulfillment through my own interests, not directly through people. For example: Because I can’t work out like normal, I decided to take on tree climbing, catching my falls (PLEASE DONT tell my doctors, me not working out is driving me up a wall) to pass the time until my next surgery, not wait on some guy to comment on my picture to validate me. (And it’s a way to keep content going for my fitness channel, win win).
And I really don’t care.
I wish people knew that there’s women out here who ain’t dying for men’s attention. I’m not waking up in the mornings thinking, hmmm I wonder what he thinks of me? I could give two fucks. Take it to women who like that shit and leave me alone. (Those are the kind of games that makes my fortress get thicker. Trust building and friendship is a great start, not the games).
Honestly what I think of? How can I make more content on this channel? Should I do this before my surgeries? Should I publish more Medium articles up to 2028 or should I write for other platforms? I just got a few more offers for sponsorships or to team up with this brand. Do these companies align with me?
I do not care about likes, comments or the size of my social media followings. I do care about if I can trust this person. When you don’t care for the number of claps, comments or approvals you get, you won’t be broken by their silence.
I wear a IU hoodie, casual clothes, sport a modest look and men hit on me like I’m wearing a two piece swimsuit. It’s ridiculous.
And I get a lot of attention from guys, and damn I wish the shit would stop. Guys I like don’t do the thirst factor (read above). The last boyfriend I had knew how to give me space and to not bug the s*** out of me, which is one of the sexiest things. Seeing 30 notifications from one guy in one hour on my social media is not sexy, cute or attractive.
For the love of all things, and for someone who craves peace and solitude, I wish it stop forever. Go away.
Bonus. #22. Expect people to drop out of your life like flies.
I was not going to add this, but it’s worth a mention after reading Ari Lake ‘s Not Being Invited To A Wedding Is A Sign Your Friendship Is Over.
You have to almost get used to people treating you like shit, casting their judgements, putting in their two cents when you go down this road. And you are going to have to have strong thick skin.
People will even drop out of your life like flies, including the people you care about and wanted to take with you to the next level.
The sting may come in when they go out of their way to be vindictive or hurt your feelings. Brace yourself, this is the typical response to taking the road less traveled. People attack things they don’t understand.
People in my age group? We want to be liked and fit in. Get used to not fitting in.
When it started to happen to me, it was making way for the people that were on my same wavelength to enter my life. There's some people that in your life forever, and others that are there for a season. It will be made clear to you who’s in what boat.
In Ari Lake’s article, she mentions that the sign that the friendship is over is when you are not invited to the wedding. A lesson that she mentions in the article is knowing when that chapter has come to a close and when that friendship is over. And sometimes it will happen out of the blue, unexpectedly.
I also wrote an article which basically says take the high the road if you are not invited, because it’s not about you. I wrote my versions to mention that you are not always going to get invited or thought of. Vogue also has a great version.
This is more than just weddings, but. I thought her article has a lot of lessons on life in it.
Expect people to:
- Drop you off their social lists
- Not invite you
- Go silent on you.
- Lie on you.
- Try to destroy your reputation.
- Read what Josh Tam says here.
- Talk about you like a dog.
- Bully you and get other people to join in this. The ice outs from friend groups are real.
- When you take the road less traveled, and people think it’s wrong/weird/going against social norms, they will even start attacking you for it.
22a. Just Know This When You Go For Your Dreams (And Actually Succeed.)
This could be a separate article in itself, but Ossiana already wrote it.
Cold Hard Facts.
- Not everyone is going to accomplish what they set out to do. I would never make it as a Colts football player anyways.
- When you tell some people what you set out to do, to hear how many people will disparage you over it will shock you.
The problem is that most people will never actually want to see you try because it holds up a mirror to them and makes them realize, “Hey, I’m a shithead because I didn’t even bother trying to be the rockstar wanted to be.”
Or, maybe they tried and failed. So, they discourage you because they don’t want you to face what they did. It may be altruistic, or it may be envy. Either way, it’s something to think about.-Ossiana Tephenhart
- People will try to sabotage you and others who are going places in life.
- And the jealousy is off the chain. Brace yourself.
Using social pressure and shunning because you’re doing better. Rilo was a victim of this and it really messed him up. I’ve also seen this in abusive workplaces I’ve worked at.
Purposefully adding mistakes in your work or stealing credit. I saw this happen to my friend Jamie*, who works as a chef. Thank God that restaurant had cameras inside!
Gossiping just to tear them down. I’ve been booted from friends groups because I was “the hot one” that women hated.
Making you second-guess your work by making fun of it. Literally every industry ever does this.
Threatening to break up with you over your career choice. Almost every model I know faced this or had an ex who tried to force her into weight gain. This is why a lot of models I know remain single and “married to the job.” They can’t trust their partners to be on board with them!-Ossianna Tephenhart
- People will start hating you.
- You really have to distance yourself from people that do this, because their only goal is to hurt you badly.
When you start to gain recognition for your work, people will start kissing your ass after treating you like shit. Truth be told, you should never forgive them. They’ve already shown you who they are — fake motherfuckers who would sell their own grandma for $4. Believe them.
What makes it worse is that after a certain level of fame, you can never tell who’s really there for you and who isn’t. So, you end up treasuring the people who were there at square one all the more. If they’re even still around you, that is.
This is also why most celebrities really invest in privacy and exclusivity.
They don’t want to be around the average person because they either want to avoid having a confrontation with people who treated them badly before, or because they don’t want to have a bunch of people harangue them for a photo. They literally just want to be around people who are mellow and chill.-Ossiana Tephenhart
- I’ve experienced so many people kissing my ass, saying sorry for things that happened in my past that in 2023 I’m keeping a safe distance from most. I’m not famous by a long shot. I cherish my privacy, and will lean into my only child tendencies if I have to. I literally been giving some of my messages a side eye. I even posted this on Instagram, 722 messages that I received? Ridiculous. Where was this enthusiasm when I started?
- My mom keeps having the conversation if something happens to her, I hope you got a plan to do A through Z. Noted, I do. I have a plan of what I’m going to do. My health issues will make me be in the hospital for surgeries more than I want to be, (so I’ll be a part time hermit) but only a few trusted people will know my whereabouts.
Trust me when I say that I adore clubbing and night life. It’s literally my home away from home. But, the more stuff I’ve been doing for myself, the more I’ve been seriously content with being home.
I love going out but due to my health issues, Tequlia Alesha hasn’t been going out as much. But when I do step out, I want to be with people I trust.
22B. I had to cut a lot of people out of my life.
When you keep people around you that’s not meant for you, you could be blocking what’s meant for you.
It was either lean into my only child strength. Or keep being around toxic people. Negativity. Negative vibes. People talking shit behind your back.
Too many people from my past are crawling back wondering how I’m doing this and how I’m doing that. I hate ass kissers. I hate when people are overly anxious and want to ride the bandwagon. You don’t want to help bake the bread but you want to be around to eat.
I had to distance myself from them. To get some of the successes they are seeing today, I had to become something new and cut them off. It wasn’t easy because I cared. On some level I wanted to take them with me. I cut out my religion, people, places and situations. Because I cared and the feeling wasn’t mutual. They were toxic and I did for my own good.
Now for a good portion of them. I want them to stay out of my life. They are no good. I want y’all to eat, but not at my table. It was clear to me that many of them wasn’t sorry. I was not going to keep accepting fake apologies. I had enough of being their whipping board.
But for a few. We are on different life paths. When we talk, we talk. I have friends where it can be a long time where we don't talk, and we pick up right where we left off. I made them aware when I get quiet, to not take it personally. I’m either healing from a surgery or going through a lone wolf season and when I come out on the other side? Expect to be surprised.
Advice. When you actually achieve your dreams, you have all kinds of people coming out of the woodwork. It’s up to you which ones you take in and which ones you distance yourself from.
Bonus #23. Have Blind Faith
You have to believe in what you don’t see, even if it hasn’t happened yet. Even though you are not sure how the dots are going to connect.
I didn’t exactly have a plan when I got my recent successes. (Ironically, when I planned things out during my grade school, and high school years, I didn’t know that my final four after my high school graduation would have resulted in all of that chaos.)
Even if you don’t know how the dots are going to connect. You have to act as if it’s already happening to you, even though it ain’t happening yet. (Pull a mindset guide)
Bonus #23a. My Journey To Becoming An Sponsored Athlete, Successful Youtuber With Millions Of Views Hasn’t Been Easy. Or a Cakewalk.
And people haven’t always been so nice on my journey.
But you have to figure out several things. Are you going to live for yourself or for others?
When you learn a new way to think, you can master a new way to be. In order to be successful beyond your wildest dreams, you got to stand out. It’s not going to come by going out your way to be liked by others, or fitting in.
Are you going to let people talk you out of it because it sounds unrealistic? Or are you going to go for it anyways? Live the life you were meant to live while on this earth? Or hide your truth over your fear of being seen as weird, different, or an outcast? The last thing you want is to go into that coffin with dreams unfulfilled.
In conclusion. I’ll be nice. And treat people the way I want to be treated. And always have a preference to keep most at arms length until they prove they can be trusted. I have a plan that I’ve worked on that’s currently panning out in front of your eyes.
Here’s to living the solo life.
I can’t wait until you see all the brands I got that surrounds my solo lifestyle.
If you made it through all that shit, you’re a beast. Thanks for reading. ❤🙏
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