Why I Decided To Be A Hoosier
Go Hoosiers! Here’s to creating new energy and new memories. Here’s to new bonds and new people.
Even though you’ve been a place of great memories throughout the years, I’m still learning a lot about Hoosier country, this time as a official Hoosier fan!
Why I won’t wear black and gold. Don’t let a job or school take the best parts of you.
It’s New Years Eve 2021 when I wrote this. I remember every News Years being a little bit wilder than this. I miss Chicago, I miss New York! I miss Kirkwood in Bloomington!
*Special shoutout to my other college teams that I follow: St Peter’s Peacocks, The South Dakota Jack Rabbits, The Richmond Spiders, & almost any school that’s not rocking with black & gold.
Last year (2021) was full of surgeries, and some family and friends passing away. I spent it in the woods with my dog. And mostly eating and sleeping (I do not want to drink while recovering and inbtwn surgeries. I have cold turkey stopped drinking before and have done it multiple times. I can’t wait to have a shot again when the time is right).
I was told I might have more surgeries, so I wrote articles up to June 2022 so I can stay consistent. Hopefully I get enough for summer 2022 so I can stay consistent.
*Now I’ve written more articles for the rest of the year.
This is my journey on becoming a Hoosier, some parts of this may not fit in into my story, but I didn’t want to leave out any parts. And yes there will be typos and mistakes in this, hang in there with your girl.
And this is super stupid long. You don’t have to read this whole thing to get an idea as to why I decided to go red and white. After 5 minutes you can be good…read as much or as little as you want, thanks in advance for your interest in me and my story.
After reading this.
Emily Grant Maloney is my new hero. (Since Facebook blocked me I’ll repost the story below)
Today is my last day as a public educator. If you didn’t work in a public school, I am sure this is a difficult decision to understand. I truly work with some of the best teachers and admin, but it is time to prioritize myself and my family.
Several people have asked why- here is my why:
December 17, 2021 will be my last day as a Darlington County School District employee. I will not be returning to my current position when school resumes on January 3rd, 2021. This is not a decision I take lightly, however my health and the welfare of my child are my top priority.
This school year has caused me to have anxiety that I have never experienced before. My chest tightens when I pull into the parking lot, I feel nauseous every morning before work, and getting good sleep is becoming a bigger challenge every day. This job drains me of my joy, so much that I have nothing left for my child at the end of the day.
The past few years have been really tough on teachers, but this one has broken me. It seems like more and more gets added to our plates, but no one is taking anything off. New programs just when we get comfortable with the last new program, IEP/504 meetings, calling parents, building relationships, planning quality lessons, buying supplies students should already have, e-learning work, cleaning our classrooms, dealing with discipline issues, filtering through and responding to an enormous amount of email and Remind messages, word walls, scarfing down lunch, tracking down missing work, anchor charts, small groups, district tests that don’t align to our pacing guide, and don’t forget to write your standard and agenda on the board. All of these things create a situation for teachers to never feel like we are doing a good job. We are set up to be overwhelmed and yet our plate is still mounding with new tasks.
The students this year are the most disrespectful and manipulative group that I have ever taught. They will do everything humanly possible to get out of doing work, yet if I have a high number of failing students- I am some how failing them. There is very little accountability for students . We are trying, but they know they can fail and be passed along. Students refuse to follow rules and procedures that have been set since the start of the year. This year hundreds of dollars of my classroom furniture has been destroyed. Furniture that I purchased with my money. They talk back, yell at adults, walk out of class, interrupt teaching- all with a smile…and I wish I were only talking about a few kids, but that is simply not the truth. Children are becoming more entitled and more defiant every single day.
Parents have learned that if they pitch a big enough fit, they will at least get most of what they want. Parents are quick to belittle teachers and question our ability to do our job, when that energy needs to be focused on their child. Parents have learned that if they inconvenience teachers and staff enough, someone will bend- and some of them are relentless until someone breaks. Unacceptable behavior, but no one wants to deal with it.
At the end of the day, I am totally emotionally drained. My little girl has been asking, “Mom, why are you sad?” She is three and notices a change in her mom. Three. Teaching drains every drop of joy I have. I will not continue to show up to a job that takes away from my presence with my daughter. She deserves to have an emotionally present- supportive mom. A mom who wants to play and create fun memories, not a mom who has a checklist of school stuff that needs to be done at home, or a mom that needs to sit in total silence for a while everyday to decompress, or a mom who doesn’t have patience to deal with typical three-year-old behavior because my patience was spent by lunchtime. It is my job as a parent to nurture and teach my own child, and right now I am failing.
I truly love my coworkers and all of the staff at HMS. I hate that my resignation puts people that I care about in a bind, but I cannot continue to be miserable. I have thought many times about just making it through this year, but I can’t sacrifice another 5 months of my mental well-being just to be a doormat. It’s time for me to stop doing what is best for kids and do what is best for my family.
My situation was also school, but in a different way. I’m getting used to sporting RED and WHITE, and this beloved logo on my chest nowadays. In my earlier years, I was rooting for another team.
Here’s why I started rooting for the Hoosiers. Honestly, and it goes far beyond just family being Indiana Hoosiers.
I spent years rooting for the other school (yeah sorry Hoosier Nation, I’m just being for real like I always am. I’m not going to pretend to be what I’m not, I’m not into the status quo. What you see is what you get, flaws and all. A big flaw was loving the other place for years, and not seeing things for what it was way sooner).
It was my dream school. (I didn’t consider applying to IU, but after this maybe I should have lol).
As far as I can remember, I remember going to sports stores and getting every black and gold t-shirt I can.
I remember as early as 8 thinking yeah I’m a Boilermaker.
Does anyone remember Steve and Barry’s? http://www.steveandbarrys.com/
I remember being a freshman in high school wearing a black and gold leather jacket.
I went to summer college camps. Spent weeks at a time.
I remember making a flashlight from scratch, and making shoes.
I remember black and gold being so ingrained into my identity, that I was happy to blaze the trail of going to Purdue (most of my family went to IU). It was a child hood dream and fantasy. I even went to an academic boot camp before classes started to try and get a feel for what college would be like.
You are too afraid to trust someone. Maybe you have faced consequences before for trusting the wrong people, and now you are terrified by the word ‘trust’
How can I drop my guard when no one has ever actually taken care of me in a reliable consistent way that allows me to feel safe and trust?
As early as my first semester, I started questioning everything. What in the hell did I sign up for? I never felt safe.
The place I loved my whole life treated me badly based on something I had no control over, my skin color. I’ve never been to a place where the discrimination is so bad that I was treated less than a human being. That they say one thing saying they want POC students and say that they accepting, but do another when you are actually in there. I felt like and feel like being on campus was like being in an abusive relationship. Even when I pass by the signs on the highway on the way to Chicago, I get this feeling of dread.
“As racism has been shown to be an issue that is tolerated on campuses across the nation”
“I don’t believe administration takes the lives and the fight of Black students, as well as students from other historically marginalized communities, seriously. If White American students were the ones targeted, classes would have been canceled and professors would have been much more understanding,”
“This creates a situation of un-comfortability for students of color. It creates confusion and hysteria for the severity of what the action was and shows that the university cares more about its image rather than the safety of its students.”
When you stop trusting and having confidence in yourself, it’s time to start re-evaluating things. And when you get more mistreatment than anything else and get treated so badly that it becomes your new normal, it’s time to go. Throughout my time on campus, I never felt like I was at home. I was never safe.
- My very first semester, my guidance counselor set me up with 20 hours, and I told him that was too much for me, and I wanted to cut back to 12. I don’t care what Catholic high school I went to, I was humble enough at the time to acknowledge that it was too much for me. College and high school is different, and I’m not going to act like I’m a pro in something I haven’t experienced yet. In a nutshell, he said nope. I still keep these old emails. It was 3 CGT labs, 1 math, 3 electives! As a first semester student, I was told by many that this was to set me up to fail, and to overwhelm me so much that I would be discouraged from wanting to have a major in the STEM field. And this is what they do to weed people out, or make the environment so hostile, toxic and uncomfortable that you will want to leave. Because my first semester in college was rocky, I didn’t have the confidence to take and pass way too many classes in all my time in school. (Then my second semester, my first friend passed away and it REALLY started to go downhill from there. The childlike-innocence I had up to this point was gone.). He was eventually fired because other students complained of the same things, but the damage was never repaired. Ultimately, I had to take responsibility for a low GPA (and I did). The scholarship people eventually started putting major pressure on me. (Racist professors giving me lower grades in their eyes was a cop out and just an excuse, because it doesn’t happen to them they didn’t care to understand. Being so sick that I couldn’t move wasn’t valid in their eyes either. ). I was always worried about my taking enough classes to boost my GPA, my GPA plummeting, and trying to past tests every semester. I tell this part of my story as a cautionary tale. So if you are messing up in your classes in college, you are responsible regardless if it’s in your control or not. No one cares about your situation or circumstances. I hate to sound cold but no one cares. Asking for help in my view means getting ridiculed, judged, embarrassed, feeling more alone than supported, and not wanted. In a nutshell, my experiences at the school showed me better than it tell me that my needs, wants would never be fulfilled by solely trusting other people like I once did. Nor should I trust people in those ways again. And that they never cared about me as a person. This school also showed me better than they could tell me that it’s safer to go through difficult seasons alone than to trust the wrong people, over and over again. I have a very different view of asking for help and scholarships nowadays.
- After that, I learned how to drop classes, but I was never ever to catch the confidence that I once had in school.
- It took me years to find an organization to take me in. I really didn’t have anyone to turn to or talk to about what was happening to me (remember, I don’t trust easily and I didn’t want to burden people, and it’s still this way today). My friends I went out with never knew how bad it got. There’s things I haven’t told anyone to this day (all the stories isn’t here, sorry).
- I noticed after that first semester of college, I was scared to go to class. It was hard to find focus. I didn’t sleep through the night many nights. I remember in economics I felt sick to the point where I thought I needed to go to the hospital, like I was having a heart attack. I felt heat in my throat all the time. I was experiencing stabbing pains and cramps that was so painful I couldn’t move (years later, it was a ongoing tumor). I felt like I was going to puke all the time. I was in and out of the doctor’s offices because my head felt heavy (I think they used the term impacted cerebellum https://www.flintrehab.com/cerebellum-brain-damage/). I got to find the papers that said what it was, but I felt like my mind went blank during exams. And some professors decided to not follow the Dean of Student’s letters given to them from medical doctors on campus. Being at that school every day robbed me of my joy and my dignity as a human being. I was so worried about being dropped from the school every semester that my progress stagnated. I really did try to enjoy time with friends, and try to appreciate the small things, I was always on edge, and I never told anyone. I was scared to death being on campus all the time, I tried to make the best of a bad situation. Microaggressions and blatant racism consumed that place (and it still does).
- I had chronic illnesses for years that I never told anyone about. I always respected a friend’s time, and had to cancel pains or not be able to follow through on something (my orgs did a great job of reminding me of this tid bit, of how badly I did on something) because I was in pain/had flare-ups. People (especially the dean’s of students) dismissed my pain because it was something they couldn’t see. I never directly told people because I felt like I wouldn’t be believed (or dismissed). I bet this cost me some close-friendships.
- I saw friends ending their lives over a college degree. I watched friends pass away from other things in my face all the time. I’m not going to list them all. I will say this. After losing a lot of friends to suicide, you start to think God made you just to experience and live with pain, and if there’s a good God, why would he let this happen. On top of the stresses of college life, losing friends to suicide will turn your psyche and world upside down (some of my friends don’t believe in God anymore.) When something devastating like this happens to you, especially over and over again? You need people in your face to tell you it’s not your fault. You need supportive friends to lean on, not people telling you to get over it and your feelings don’t matter. I didn’t get any support on the suicide and racism fronts. At this point, I try to raise awareness in my various articles. The first friend passed away my the second semester of school, it was a couple of months before I turned 19. I kept getting behind in school. Some semesters I dropped mostly all my courses because due to everything that was happening, by brain and body shut down.
- They didn’t/don’t hold perpetrators of racist incidents accountable for their actions. Being ignored and not believed about your experiences of racism was (and still is the norm). This is the type of environment they foster: you are on your own, what you are saying is not real, you need to shut-up and deal with your traumas on your own. They gave the impression that “You’re a waste of time, space, and we really don’t want POC on campus anyways, so we are going to make the environment so hostile and uncomfortable that you will want to leave.”
- Being on that campus everyday is an experience. Being on that campus was so unwelcoming at times that in my own major, I never felt wanted. It’s difficult to feel safe and ok, when you know some people hate you because of your skin color. I asked the dean in my major at the time to stop stereotyping me, I’m not a victim, the conversation did not get me anywhere. Every day in my major, I would get cold dirty looks or she straight up ignored me after that conversation. They foster an environment where they don’t care about racism and let it thrive.
- I talk about my experiences with racism with a organization here, and yeah I also heard the N word multiple times. (I personally do not use the n word, and encourage others, especially my white friends and relatives, to not use the word at all. Just don’t. And for the love of all things, just because you marry or have POC/BIPOC children, or have POC/BIPOC doesn’t MEAN YOU KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT RACISM! I experienced racism on many fronts, but I won’t even claim I know everything about racism, I draw on my own experiences.)
- They say they want POC/BIPOC on campus, and advocate for high numbers. But once you get up there, it’s a whole different ball game. They make the environment so unwelcoming, so unsettling that they come up with so many subtle ways to set you up to fail and just let racism run rampant because it’s not an issue to them. The diversity programs are for show. If your mental health and GPA takes a hit, then you are stuck in a no-end downward spiral. Hate and bigotry has a home on that campus, they say it doesn’t. They say one thing but do another.
- Many times, the police, the ones that you think you can trust? The people you think to call upon in a case of discrimination was the ones doing the discrimination. One time, my ID was stolen at a frat party and when I called the police, they never came. It was hard sometimes to trust the police to see you as a student, not a gang banger or threat.
- One time, I was walking home from going out and these white girls that one time wanted me to be their sorority sisters accused me of following them and I was not. I remember looking behind me and I noticed they stepped back, looking scared like I was going to do something to them. I remember seeing them run into their sorority house, and they yelled “Silky” go home and slammed the door shut behind them, like I was a gang banger. Another time they threatened to call the police on me, because my dorm was 10 minutes away from their sorority house and I was walking past them. The only reason why they didn’t was the white guy who happen to be their friend was like come on, pipe down. When their backs were turned, he said he would talk to them, because he personally felt like they were overreacting. They were trying to indirectly say that as a black person, you are not welcome to go to the same bars we go to. (I ignored them and still went out, but it was noted). I told other people the stories a little bit down the road, and they said those girls were racist, and they hid this side to them. A couple of years after they graduated, I had a opportunity to film a project in the house I rushed. I looked at the pictures inbtwn takes. The rush class I was “supposed” to be in had zero POC/BIPOC. It all circled back to me and started to make sense. I was someone they never wanted in the first place. (One of the things I noticed on campus was that the attitude was “this is for us, but not for you” vibe. White is always right, as a black person you are never right and valued. Your life doesn’t matter, because of white privilege, you won’t be believed but we always will be. Got the memo!)
- My most recent advisor kept trying to get me to transfer out of the school of technology. They advocate for students to go into STEM, but they do everything to make sure you don’t succeed, which include verbally saying stuff like your grades don’t reflect someone who was cut out for this. I remember hearing comments like “What is someone like you doing in a major like this?”
- I remember an liberal arts advisor had a conversation with me saying “Maybe you shouldn’t be here, and you started college too young.”
- I found that a lot of my white friends from college are in love with black culture, but don’t have to live with the day to day consequences. Oh by the way, it’s not just some white people that steal from the black culture and abuse it, other non-white people do it. And being a member of a racially or ethically marginalized group does not make a person above biased perspectives or behaviors. (We have to hold out own communities accountable as well, nothing will change unless we change our own behavior). The tension that drives a wedge between racially marginalized groups is a function of White supremacy and aims to divide and conquer. In other words, no one should be wearing black face, or wearing Halloween costumes that makes fun of a marginalized group of people. DO NOT WEAR BLACKFACE.
When someone dresses up as a member of a culture that isn’t their own, particularly in an exaggerated or “humorous” way, it comes off as cultural appropriation at best or an offensive jab at other cultures. If you or your child intend to pay homage to a beloved Disney character (hint: Moana or Pocahontas), please dress with racial and cultural sensitivity. Focus on costuming linked to a specific character, not general features that have been associated with marginalized groups of people. Bypass the mustache and poncho combo, kimonos, Native headdresses, and grass skirts with a coconut top.-https://www.forbes.com/sites/maiahoskin/2021/10/30/dear-poc-think-again-before-wearing-racism-this-halloween/?sh=401feac34485-Maia Niguel Hoskin
Simply put, there are a lot of people of color who have internalized the same racially and ethnically oppressive societal messaging and stereotypes about other people of color that some white Americans have.-Maia Niguel Hoskin
- Microaggressions are so harmful, both big and small. This only happened once. But I still remember this. I remember being at a popular bar on campus, and I waved the bartender down like any other night and some white friends I was with waved him down in the same way. For some reason, he got mad and kicked me out the bar. For the rest of the evening, I couldn’t get back in. I asked the side bar guy what happened, and he was like I’m not sure why you got kicked out either. For the rest of the time it never happened again, but I never forgot that night.
- Microaggressions are so harmful, both big and small. I remember passing out flyers in my former organization, and a younger white student asked me if I knew where those buildings where, even though I was older. And pointed to the building on the map, like I couldn’t read the map or find my way around campus. It was one thing if I said I didn’t know, but to assume I didn’t know. And he didn’t approach any other member of the organization in the same way.
- I remember being a retreat leader and we just got off retreat at the time. The same people that I just did the retreat with crossed the street when they saw me and acted like I didn’t exist, even though we just got through with church an hour prior (this is when I really started to pull away from the Catholic church)
- In an acting class, I was given the role of a teenage-mother-welfare queen. When I asked to switch because it puts black people in a stereotypical light, I was told no because that role is made for someone like you.
- In that same acting class, they gave me suggestions for what my type was. They said I would be great in roles that involved me being in a gang or prison.
- Acting like they support BLM by posting a black box “by being in solidarity,” but staying silent, and still doing the same racist behaviors as before. They endorse racist behavior by enabling it, fostering it and thriving in it, and benefiting from it, then want to say they are allies when it’s convenient. Hanging around racist people, and instead of staying something, they stay silent and allow the behavior to keep going on. They claim they are “woke,” and care about black people/poc, but don’t have a single black friend. They are only happy when you stay in the place they have for you. But when it looks like you might surpass them or out do them, they feel threatened or call you scary.
- This one way after I was gone, but being called creatures. Why.
- I had to keep explaining to people in my major that I do not speak for all black people in the major & one size doesn’t fit all. Not all people want or need minority based programs. Everyone doesn’t have the same route or need the same kind of help. (Even though I know some white people on my floor that were the main beneficiaries of affirmative action and other diversity programs, YEAH they actually told me they were in them.)
- I’ve also heard people making comments that if it wasn’t for affirmative action, they wouldn’t be here, which dismissed the talents, the work, and their grades to earn their right to be there like anyone else.
- I noticed after a few of my white friends got into sororities, they started distancing themselves, and only hanging out with other white people. I’ve always had great times at frat parties, but after trying to join and rushing myself, I started to feel that the ideals of Greek life was based in white supremacy and those ideals being passed on. It’s really segregated, and there’s not much effort to change it, which is why the abolish Greek movement happened (idk how much these efforts will help with long term change. )
- All I know is when I rushed and tried out for different organizations for years on campus, they made it clear that you’re not wanted, you don’t belong, you’re not the right skin color (white) and unless you had the duckies or seen as a blue blood, you are not getting in here. I deep down knew it was out of my hands at that point. I subconsciously knew that in some instances, I was being excluded over something that was out of my control, my skin color.
- When I tried to talk with an advisor of an organization about my experiences, he said there’s always something going on with you. He said it in a way that basically stated “you and your experiences don’t matter”. I notice when you try to speak out, many times the first thought was to discredit (like there isn’t a problem or issue), instead of listening. And some try to play gatekeeper, or you are making up excuses and just try harder.
- Many of their diversity programs are for show. No matter what you did or didn’t do, some people will never learn or understand. Or care to understand because they don’t experience it, a complete disregard. The reason why racism continues to exist and thrive on that campus and elsewhere, is because it’s allowed to thrive. It’s embedded in too many of their mindsets, ways of thinking, and the fiber of their being. They harbor an environment that allows the thinking “hey I’m better than those people.”
- At the core, even though I kept an open mind to new cultures, experiences, and ways of life, I already knew that I couldn’t stand a chance. After all, why and how could someone black like yourself fit in? We already have this idea of how we think you are, stay in the box that we made for you. They let you know that in subtle ways that you’re not something they want, instead of giving you the chance as a human being. I knew that the reason why some of them wasn’t interested in a deeper friendship with me? I also fell into a demographic other people tend to dismiss right away-maybe you are the only brown kid at a mostly white school? I, a lot of times was the only black in mostly white organizations. As I state many times in many of my articles, I have friends of different backgrounds. When it comes to friendships, we either click or we don’t. But I can tell in several instances that people didn’t want to give me a chance because of my skin color. You can feel it happening under the surface. I wrote about this in 9 Things To Know About Being A Black Woman In This World.
- And I wrote about other experiences here too.
- Many times you are expected to just take it (racism), and act like being in their presence is a present. After all, it’s their world, and we are just living in it. And I dare you try to say something: why is someone who I was taught that’s beneath me in all ways trying to tell me something?
- My friend sent me the Black At Purdue Instagram, and those stories I see myself in.
- Being on that campus felt like we were moving backwards, to the prohibition era. Not moving forward. There’s times where they think/thought I couldn’t do things because I was black. Then when I did it, they acted so shocked. I had one of my white friends just tell me: as white people, we were taught that we are better, and you are seeing this play out in your Purdue experiences. To date, I never been to a place that was so racist and purposely did things to destroy you as a person. It’s interesting because I visited other campuses like IU and places in Chicago during my time in school, but I received the worst treatment from Purdue hands down. After Purdue, I’ve had so many great things happening in my life some of my peers are shell-shocked and wonders how I’m doing it. (For those who keep trying to get me back into Boilermaker land by saying that IU is near Martinsville and that they are more racist? That’s the kettle calling the pot black. Focus on the racism that happens on your campus and quit trying to justify it by pointing your finger elsewhere. As a Purdue student, I visited IU multiple times to escape the bad treatment I was dealing with at Purdue, IU has never treated me like that.)
There was no point in reporting none of this (the Black At Purdue website I appreciate though) , because they refuse to acknowledge the role they play in the alienation of POC/BIPOC. There’s still so many stories I haven’t told anyone to this day. In the interest of not making this hours long (hello, this is already long enough), I won’t share anymore. My experiences at that place makes me think we haven’t made that much progress at all, and makes me question how far our society has really come? In some instances, they were white and they knew it. They knew exactly what they were doing. They knew if a black person retaliated in any way, they would be white and we would be black. They would be right and believed, we would be wrong and not believed (And friendly reminder, even though I’m light skinned to the world I’m still a black person, no amount of assimilation, no percentage of my great-grandparents being white/native American and what not, will not protect me from racism in the United States).
There’s nothing the school could do to repair the irreversible damage, in my opinion.
Is this the dream that everyone was telling me about growing up? Watching friends end their lives, the daily racism and I’m supposed to just go on about my day like nothing happened and stay strong? A more recent counselor told me to suck it up. And just stay strong and it will get better? How many people out there had an idea of what something was like, then you got to a place and it’s not what you thought it was going to be? Like I said above, we lost our first friend 2nd semester of college. That youth-like innocence that I knew before grief was gone. Up to this point in my life, I never lost anyone so close to age to me, everyone that passed away in my life growing up was able to live a full life. This secretly bothered me and has bothered me for years- a lot of people that passed away in my life in college was between the ages of 18 to 24. It will never be normal to me to go to a 21 year old’s funeral. Currently, I’m losing people btwn the ages of 19 to 34. This will never be normal to me.
*
Being at the other place represented a betrayal of my own hurts. Are you suggesting I just over look the discrimination, my friends passing away, as if it was nothing? I get signs and reminders over and over again as to why loving that place did more harm than good.
I might have to sign up for reddit after being sent this.
(I’ve had too many articles, threads, delete. I’m going to put it here just in case)
You know what sucks? Being a black student at the college i’m at. No matter where I am or what i am doing I am consistently reminded that some people do not want me here. I stay to myself. I don’t even try to make friends these days because most of the time people stereotype me and already have their mind made up so they’re not open to being friends with me. I’m losing my mind studying computer science. My mental health is already as terrible as it can be. I try to go relieve stress on the weekend by going to bars/clubs but guess what? I get denied entry by most of them. I adhere to the dress code and I make sure I do everything I can but on numerous occasions I get denied by the security at the door. It’s even worse when I see caucasian people dressed similarly to me being allowed entry but I still get denied. This is my reality. I just have to deal with it. I regret transferring here and I can’t wait to be done with this degree. I am tired of being judged I just want to live like a normal student. Like a normal human being. I am used to discrimination but this campus is something different. This is the only place I can go to express my true feelings. On a throwaway account. I have so much more I could say but I will just go to bed sad for the 145th time. This is messing up my mental health and I hope i stay strong through all this.
What she’s describing is something that I could see myself writing as a college student.
I call the phrase 9 years of being an idiot. From the ages of 9 to 17 I genuinely loved the place without fear. I was highly naïve and had no earthly idea what I was getting into and no way of seeing all of that. No amount of prep could prepare me for what I was about to deal with.
As soon as I started wearing my Hoosier gear….And I don’t think people understand. I have no plans in coming back.
Alesha come back………(And I’m quick to say hell no, and no thank you.)
How could you have known? You did your best with the knowledge you had at the time, don’t be so hard on yourself.
“I trust Archangel to guide me through the process of developing emotional intelligence, balance, and my natural intuitive abilities. And I ask her to help me remain open to more love, compassion, and understanding in my heart. You’re probably always been empathic or had a difficult time with emotions and feelings. It’s almost like your feelings provide you both gifts and curses, right? Just as the sign of Cancer, Archangel is encouraging you to awaken the inner humanitarian within you, Alesha. I know the world has been so harsh and many have misunderstood the power of emotional intelligence, making most of us empaths feel like we’re too difficult to deal with or understand. Archangel delivers the message that if you truly work to break down the guard around your heart, you’ll be gifted with new intuitive gifts that can take your healing work to the next level. At the end of the day, Muriel wants us all to know that when we close our hearts to the world, the ones that we truly hurt are ourselves.
Alesha, sometimes this is also a message to let go of any unhealed grief or loss from relationships or situations affecting us right now. Grief isn’t just for the people who’ve left our lives, Alesha. It can also be grieving over a sense of what we’ve lost like a work position, a career, facing an illness (loss of health), or even changing circumstances or lost opportunities. Azrael advises that grief is a process and we might still be carrying loss no matter how long ago the other person left our life or the situation changed. And a big part of her healing journey was learning to deal with the feelings of loss around her sense of who she was, and who she’d be going forward. Calling on Azrael helped her greatly in both processing what she was dealing with AND being open to what she was called to do next. When we love deeply, we feel loss just as deeply when someone or something is gone from our lives Alesha.
If anything, this is the best time to revisit your past and integrate your experiences so that you can create a better future. Archangel Zach is with you right now and wants you to know that your memories hold so much power — both happy and unpleasant ones. Although Z has the ability to wipe memories clean, he also teaches us humans the value of those precious memories. There are a couple of lessons presented here when Z shows up to support you, Alesha… Either you need to remember something from your past so that you can integrate that life lesson into your present to create a better future…Or you need to let go of a painful memory that is keeping you stagnant.
To be able to tune into your higher self or move past any painful memories or events, you can call on Raziel. He will help you not only heal, but will also help you assimilate anything from the situation your soul is asking you to learn. He is the keeper of many of the secrets of the Universe.
Angel B, the divinely appointed angel of compassion, sometimes my judgment of others is out of alignment with what I know is true on a soul level. Thank you for helping me to understand that the Universe’s mercy on me is a reflection of my mercy on others.” Right now Archangel Barbiel is here to convert difficult feelings into genuine compassion for yourself and others. That is expected. Our human experience doesn’t necessarily promote transmutation of these negative emotions — our society usually promotes becoming stagnant there. We’re taught that revenge is the way or that when you’ve been wronged that you shouldn’t trust others the same way again. Truly, Alesha, this is the fastest way to becoming cold-hearted and closed off to your natural divine right to love and abundance. Archangel Barbiel wants to see you live your most fulfilling, passion-fueled human experience, so he is here to offer his healing. As much as we would love to remain passive about issues, Archangel B encourages you to stand up for yourself.
As much as you would love to give, give, give, or remain forgiving of others, that does not mean that you should feel depleted or drained of your energy.
This should also not make you angry or closed off to the world, Alesha.
Instead, Archangel Barbiel offers the medicine of self-love and deep compassion for yourself.
All of the forgiveness that you would normally grant to others so freely should be poured into yourself, Alesha.
Barbiel is here to remind you that you did the best with what you could do with the knowledge that you had at that time.
Now, he is igniting your path towards healing, power, transformation, and protection for the future.
By me becoming a Hoosier, I want to attempt to give myself a clean slate. And hit the restart button.
- I didn’t want to lose more of my dignity and self-respect.
- I just don’t see the school in the same way.
- Every time someone says black and gold to me, all those haunting memories of what didn’t work out feels my body in this overwhelming pain and agony. It’s really hard to explain. It’s like a heavy burden that will not go away, and the only release is going to places that’s not associated.
- I’ve never been to a place and haven’t experienced something so spirit crushing in my life.
- I woke up with a heavy heart and went to sleep with a heavy heart every day at that place for years.
- Some chapters in life have to close without closure. What I did wrong, what I should have or could have done differently, there is no point. As much I wish I could have a time machine, go back and make sure that past Alesha didn’t attend that school, there’s no point, I can’t change the past. There’s no point in holding on what isn’t meant to stay. Some people have told me that school was the place I was meant to go to, (and one of these days it will make sense), but to me all that will never make sense. It won’t change anything or change how I feel. Time doesn’t always heal. Watching my friends end their lives will never make sense to me, how badly professors treated me and flucked me out of classes will never make sense. The way they made sure you failed will never make sense to me. This is not the type of racism that you can catch on tape, it’s the every-day-subtle-forms of racism. The silent but deadly ones.
- For years, I held on to a fantasy world that never existed, and a dream that would never come to fruition. It appears I will always be vulnerable to being triggered by an event that unearths those painful moments. It’s terrifying for me to be vulnerable and ask for help to this day because I faced such harsh, cruel and devastating consequences. I had no idea how high the price would be for reaching out and asking for help.
- I really wish this article existed when I was in school. It hits the nail on everything. I looked forward to being in a nightmare, not knowing what I would experience when I walked out my dorm door, no matter how positive I was. College life definitely lacked joy and wonder. P.S. “Thank goodness 20 years ago I decided to Become a Indiana Hoosier.”
- Anger is a natural emotion — neither good or bad, it just is, and it serves a function. But if you talked about your experiences on campus, one too many times you are/were seen as a angry black woman/man.
- Prolonged stress over a long period of time can turn into trauma that can last for years. However, what people also forget is just one exposure to a traumatic stressor can trigger a cascade of long-lasting changes in the brain, behavior, and mood. How this cascade of events unfolds after a stressor and what areas of the brain are affected contribute to whether a sufferer develops mood and/or anxiety disorders. In many different occasions, I was definitely reminded that this is a white person’s world/campus, and we are just living in it. We should be grateful to be in their presence and take whatever they throw out at us. And if you dare say something? We will use our white privilege to make a point and punish you.
- I definitely don’t trust easily, and it takes a while for me to open up. I had some experiences from female friends betraying me in my early childhood that at the core was very hurtful and made me feel unsafe. But also being on campus, I felt my basic sense of safety in the world has been altered forever. Both situations reinforced the beliefs of:
They’ve learned that any time they are vulnerable, it can be used against them and therefore they don’t rely on other people.
- The world doesn’t see me the same way I see myself. I didn’t buy into what they buy into, and I still don’t (i.e. you need this diversity program, you are a stupid minority, you’re a stupid n*g**a, etc). They made it a point to beat the ever-living-life and confidence out of you. Especially when it look like you have talent, smarts, and going places.
- I do not like playing victim, or projecting. Or thinking about something that didn’t happen yet and attract bad energy then it does happen because at some level I attracted it (LOA) but I eventually read the writing on the wall. If I had white skin, I know for a fact I wouldn’t have experienced the racism and discrimination I experienced. And I probably would have been given the benefit of the doubt a lot more. (mental illness and suicides can hit any one at any time, no matter what race, background, or ethnicity you are.)
If you don’t like religion, skip these. Scroll until you see done now below.
- But your experiences make who you are. We are the healed stewarding our healing from an enemy who wants to steal it! Please re-read what I said above.
- “The enemy is cheating Alesha, out of a future through the lies and deceit of those who negatively inhabit Alesha’s environment. WOW and WOW! The place I loved my whole life became an enemy.
- When you are struggling with someone and something that’s important to you, and you feel like your life isn’t fair, look at all the people around you and realize that every single person you see around you isn’t made to be in your life for the long haul. You’ve got to learn how to let things go. I finally let black and gold go, the one thing I loved for years that caused me a lot of pain and grief and interestingly enough people keep trying to pull me back. The more I tried to make it work out at the school, the worst life got. It literally felt like a downward spiral and there was no escape. I’m known as a pack-rat, but I managed to get rid of everything black and gold related and replace it with Hoosier gear.
- Alesha, the Lord also says not all the puzzle pieces of life will seem to fit together at first, however in due time you will realize everything is designed to work together for your good. A major not working out, me retaking classes, is one thing. Me oversleeping and missing a class is my fault. Me skipping classes is my choice. I’ll never understand how watching friends pass away in tragic ways will be for my own good. Or me talking to them one min and then reading their obit the following week. Just saying. That will never make sense to me.
- The circumstances that you are standing in RIGHT NOW are already TURNED AROUND. I want you to know that you are the apple of God’s eye and the situation you are facing today the Lord has already given you the power to overcome and achieve. Alesha, as your praying prophet, I believe that I am called to stand with you in the midst of your adversities, and by the Word and Anointing of God help to form and shape the desired outcome that will produce long-lasting effects. I have made a promise to God and to myself that not one of my partners will go down because of an attack from the enemy. But that is exactly what the enemy would love to see. Do not get frustrated in the process of building and planting. I am in constant prayer that the power of God will strengthen you to be all God has created you to be! Your destiny is not contingent upon man’s perception or actions. Whatever has been denied or delayed in your life is coming to you. See in the Spirit the manifestation of God’s promise. While the enemy thinks he is winning, there are promises that were made to you before the foundation of the world and you are a conqueror. God had you on His mind before he uttered the first, “Let there be…” You are an overcomer! The Holy Spirit revealed to me that you are in the season of a great turnaround. It has been a slow financial recovery, but each step you take gets you closer to your goal. Do not allow your present facts to convince you otherwise. While the world was in chaos the prophetic word spoken over your life was preparing you for the journey here on earth. I hear God saying, “You are not late. You are right on time!” Alesha, the anointing that is on your life and the Word of God that is in you is the reason for all of the chaos. If I knew how badly I would get treated for asking for help, I would have reconsidered my options. I had no idea that asking for financial help in school would cause this much grief and overwhelm for years. If you are reading this, and don’t want to attend college because you are afraid of student loans and afraid of them hunting you down for the rest of your life, you have a valid reason to be scared. They are vicious loan sharks, and will hunt you down for the rest of your life (I found this out while in the hospital). If you think attending college will improve your situation and finances go for it, but consider your options….please. I’ve written plenty of articles, in my experience, college is not the savior or golden ticket I thought it would be growing up. It taught me that life isn’t always as black and white as we like to think it is. The one thing I thought would improve my life ended up mostly being a nightmare.
- Removing yourself from a situation that feels painful — you have every right to leave and create some healthy space for yourself. I removed myself from the bad college situation as soon as I could, and everyone and their mother still keeps associating me with the past school despite me asking them to associate me with the Hoosiers and following teams. Guys it’s bad. I’m trying to move on with my life the best way I know how, and I need people in my life to get on board. Red and white. Let’s go Hoosiers. (And I secretly love pink and green.) Off the record, I literally have gone silent, stopped answering questions, and avoided certain public events because I knew I would get asked about college. I really wish people would stop asking me about college all together to be honest, because I don’t think it’s my lane. The only way I’ve gotten people to half-way stop is say listen, some people in my life passed away there and it’s something I don’t want to talk about. I’m not going to be the person that says “this person died, that person died” every time you see me.
By making new memories with Hoosier fans, I can make the hard times easier to deal with, can we at least get on board with that?
- If we continue to allow the worst in, it destroys our capacity to create and deliver our best work. I stopped allowing the worst in.
“Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.”
(Matthew 5:10–12)
- Whatever you’ve been going through in your life, whatever things in your life are coming to an end, the attack that has attempted to come against you, God is using it for your good and a new beginning. My new beginning is with the Indiana Hoosiers. Even though I’m not a fan of organized religion right now, never considered myself religious, and I’m not a strong believer at this point, I thought I include some of these messages. I really did try for years. I was an altar server, a retreat leader, and went on retreats regularly to escape what was happening to me on campus. All these religious messages did nothing during my time in school. In fact it got worst.
- I’ve been in prayer concerning the circumstances in your life. The Lord has been continually showing me how we, as a people, have been divided in our way of living. The Lord revealed to me that this is the time to lay hands and heal those who have been under attack. The Lord also showed me that you are in need of a miracle. You are in need of a NOW INCREASE! I am writing you today because the Holy Spirit showed me that you are one of my faithful partners who I can count on. You have been chosen for a greater purpose but… The enemy wants to keep you down. The enemy wants to spread lies about you. The enemy wants to chain you in handcuffs. But can I prophesy to you right now, Alesha, that this is your time to STAND and BREAK the BACK of the ENEMY. I am convinced, by the power of the Holy Spirit, that whatever is done in secret will surely be seen in the light. As a prophet of God, I am here to tell you that God is calling you to refuse the enemy to have any victory in the situation you are currently facing. Regardless of your situation, Alesha, God has already chosen you to INCREASE! An increase in my stress?
- As I was praying for you, I heard the Lord say, “Son, I am going to stop the plague in the lives of my people. I’m going to arrest every demon and destroy the yoke that is attempting to defeat My people in this hour. For this is the hour where the people of God are going to be strong, knowing God for themselves, and doing great exploits.” My dear partner, we are now coming to an end of one season and entering into another season. We are moving from a Place of Breaking to a Place of Building. Have you ever wondered why things are not seeming to connect the way you know they should? Are you tired of seeing trouble knocking at your door?
Does it seem like you are consistently missing out on new opportunities? You and I are called to repair the breach. What we do or don’t do can affect other people’s lives. And this is a responsibility we must now accept or be reminded of. You and I are connected to build the Kingdom of God. See, many times Alesha, God will tell you and I to stand in the gap for situations that you and I know we were not the cause of. Alesha, does it seem to be disastrous around you? Are things seemingly going downhill? Is there fear that the plague, the pestilence, the impediment will overtake you? You might even feel that you are the cause of what is happening in your life. This is story of my life. In school, things didn’t connect, when I tried out for organizations to better myself and attempt to trust again, I found out later from some of these orgs that I was cut out for political or racial reasons (or I wasn’t rich enough haha). And sure, if the org thing didn’t work out, too many professors in my major kept racially targeting me. It felt like it was all my fault, and disaster. After college, 2020, and 2021 I really don’t feel like I’m connected to the kingdom of God, maybe a whipping board is more like my lane. To be blunt, I have very lil trust in anything except my animals. - Alesha, you must understand the fight that you are in. Being a New Creation believer does not mean that the enemy will not try to get in your way and cause distraction, displacement, or destruction in your life. But can I tell you the good news Alesha, with the right spiritual weapons, this will be certainly overcome. Let your heart believe in God. Alesha, we all experience highs and lows in life but when bad times come, instead of getting worried and losing hope, I want you to start to commit your destiny, your failures and flaws to God. Alesha, God has created you and God will take care of you. There is nothing in this world that is too big for God to handle. This is a time when God is demanding our confidence in His Word. Many of you, like me, have recognized an increase in spiritual warfare around you. Alesha, if you are dealing with attacks, violent distress, disorder or dismay, whether it came by your own doing, or simply because there’s an attack against your life, then what I am about to share is for you.
- I know it might seem like there has been obstacle after obstacle in your life, but these obstacles have allowed you. Alesha, God has seen…Your faithfulness! How you’ve stood on His Word and not waivered! Your perseverance through 2021! I got this email the day of my friend’s birthday, and he’s dead. I was not amused. I didn’t post the rest of it.
- Alesha, there are times in our lives when we may feel as though we have failed, and often, in those times we have not recognized the working of God in our lives. Have you ever felt as though you’ve missed a significant moment in your CAREER, in your FAMILY, your FINANCES, or even in the call of God on your life? You began to move in the regularity and the repetition of your everyday life and ceased to recognize that the Holy Spirit was doing something significant for you? The circumstances that you are standing in RIGHT NOW are already TURNED AROUND. I want you to know that you are the apple of God’s eye and the situation you are facing today the Lord has already given you the power to overcome and achieve.
- Alesha, as your praying prophet, I believe that I am called to stand with you in the midst of your adversities, and by the Word and Anointing of God help to form and shape the desired outcome that will produce long-lasting effects. I have made a promise to God and to myself that not one of my partners will go down because of an attack from the enemy. But that is exactly what the enemy would love to see. Do not get frustrated in the process of building and planting. I am in constant prayer that the power of God will strengthen you to be all God has created you to be!
- Your destiny is not contingent upon man’s perception or actions. Whatever has been denied or delayed in your life is coming to you. See in the Spirit the manifestation of God’s promise. While the enemy thinks he is winning, there are promises that were made to you before the foundation of the world and you are a conqueror. God had you on His mind before he uttered the first, “Let there be…” You are an overcomer! The Holy Spirit revealed to me that you are in the season of a great turnaround. It has been a slow financial recovery, but each step you take gets you closer to your goal. Do not allow your present facts to convince you otherwise. While the world was in chaos the prophetic word spoken over your life was preparing you for the journey here on earth. I hear God saying, “You are not late. You are right on time!” I don’t care what professors thought of me, I could tell that they thought POC students didn’t deserve to be there. But trying to pass a racist professor’s classes is a challenge.
- Alesha HOLD ON, DON’T GIVE UP! GOD IS SHOWING UP ON TIME! I left the church years ago, around the same time I left college. I had enough of both of them lol.
- Alesha, the Holy Spirit showed me that you’ve been feeling as though life has been playing tricks on you. Have there been times in your life where you felt that God had forgotten about you and left you all alone? Have you felt your prayers have gone unanswered? This is the most honest lines I’ve read in the emails.
- Alesha, you are a part of God’s prophetic community and you have a prophetic anointing that is heavy on your life. That is reason for the delays and the setbacks that have been happening around you. The anointing that is on your life is strong and because of this, the enemy is attacking you with every possible weapon against your life. To let you know He has heard your prayer and knows exactly where you are. Anointing or not…..
- I understand, Alesha. Every time you get almost to the point of your breakthrough, it is snatched out of your hands. (The story of my school life, which is why becoming a Hoosier is a no-brainer).
- The thing that you are believing God for; it should be going one way, but instead the opposite is happening. You are constantly being denied access. Family, friends and foes speaking negative things about you. Every time you take two steps forward, you feel you are being pushed five steps backwards. You feel emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually drained. You know what I am talking about, Alesha. You feel like there is an invisible wall holding you back. But then, you look around Alesha, and there’s others who look like almost everything they touch, things that they do, it prospers.
- The enemy has tried to destroy your home, family, finances and freedom. The death angel has come to steal, kill and destroy. But God will cause the death angel to pass over your home because of your obedience. He is providing safety through the Passover just as He did for the children of Israel.
Done Now.
- If you are not into church or religion, sorry I put you through all that. Despite reading all of that, attending retreats, and strengthening my faith, my situation in school got worst and worst. All of those readings and scriptures is nice to read, but when you are going through it, it’s not easy to deal with. Off the record, I rather have my faith tested by getting fired from a job instead of losing friends or finding them dead or seeing them dead. Or hearing friend’s first hand accounts of it (Each one of them are traumas I don’t wish on anyone, but just saying).
- Negativity overwhelmed every part of my life on campus.
- I felt unmotivated, listless, full of despair and hopeless. For some of my friends it made life seem not worth living. I have a dozen obits for people in the college, young adult age group. This will never be normal for me. Watching the casket close on the people you love can mess you up forever.
- Sleeping patterns were out of whack-even when I woke up from sleeping, I was tired.
- Everyday felt like a bad day on campus; if you’re spending your life doing things you don’t want to do, and you greet each day with an overwhelming feeling of dread it’s time to go. Goals didn’t resonate, responsibilities didn’t match my true callings.
- I didn’t feel supported and I was invisible. So one time I looked in the mirror and said ok b****, it’s just me and you.
- As early as noon, I was wishing I could crawl back into bed. I become so overwhelmed that instead of being more awake to face the task at hand, I just wanted to sleep to get away from it.
- I didn’t enjoy school — towards the end I didn’t think school mattered — I was spending all my time being a place that was sucking the life out of me. To this day, my stance on college has changed.
- I found it difficult to know what the point of anything is, and it’s hard to remember how I ever felt motivation in the first place, and why in the world did I love this place in the first place for so many years. Regret is a big and strong word, I was starting to regret all the school work I put in over the years to enroll there. I didn’t care about what grades I got, given up studying (and surprisingly still passed some tests, idk how the hell I did).
- I felt guilty about my emotions, and I didn’t feel comfortable telling anyone, so I clammed up and detached. I wasn’t interested in anything that happened, if I did something it was my fault, if I didn’t do something it was my fault. I was constantly reminded and subtly felt like I was failing, and I really didn’t care how I did. If I worried, it didn’t pan out, if I didn’t worry, it still didn’t pan out. I never said anything, I just put on a strong front and did the best I could in the situations I was in.
- Even things that made me happy felt like a chore, and my immune system was weakened.
- This is the one place I got really comfortable with being by myself, and got used to the idea of spending the rest of my days alone. I started to feel like the more I stay away from people, the less trauma and pain I’ll experience. At this point, I got more and more comfortable with not being included and invited to things (it’s nice if it happens but I’m not waiting on it, you know what I mean?). Withdrawing, just wanting to be left alone, was and still is my norm. Being the only child growing up, I’ve been used to my own company for years anyways. Nothing really gives me butterflies anymore, I just see it as a future trust issue, but I’ll try for my Hoosiers.
- Fight or flight. I do not take my anger or pain out on other people though. I’ll just briefly mention that there is a lot on my plate, and I rather not be around people if I have a moment (and if you choose to be around me after I warn you, you are on your own, I’m not mean, I just won’t talk much). Maybe we can do something later like go out to get my mind off things. It’s not no one else’s fault that bad things are happening or things isn’t going my way, you have to make sure your anger matches the situation. I’m not going to hurt anyone or ruin anyone’s day with the bad situations I’m in. There’s a right time and wrong time to talk about things…
- It’s why you put the ice cream in the fridge and the beer in the freezer. I noticed I was sitting stuff down and 5 minutes later I forgot where I put it. I think I was experiencing so much grief, burnout and exhaustion that my mind blanked out. Short term memory loss is a thing. I remember trying to say my lines for a acting project, and my throat felt heated. And my mind blanked out.
- For years, I looked for something that was never there. I looked for safety, love, and security in a place that didn’t have and never had the capacity to give it.
- When you watch friends pass away, you need people to tell you that things are going to be ok. I noticed that. In a sense, by not receiving any support, it made me indirectly think that my friend’s suicides was my fault (yes I know it wasn’t). But at 19, it was the first time I dealt with something like that, and for it to keep happening over and over again.
Don’t let the shame of not being able to do it all keep you in a vicious cycle of misery.-https://www.bustle.com/p/7-signs-youre-burnt-out-how-you-should-self-care-11471191,
I will keep all the great memories from my “other” school near and dear, but usually the bad memories are embedded and not too far behind. I got to go with the place that caused me the least amount of pain, and right now that’s IU. And any other college in the United States and around the world that I haven’t attended. (No black and gold teams, sorry.)
I don’t see college the same like I used to, it’s not black and white like I thought it would be growing up. I see it as a place that can improve some people’s lives, but time and time again I’m reminded of why it causes me nothing but grief.
I tell my friends, if you want a degree because it aligns with your higher purpose (or if you want to be a doctor, sorry you do need a degree for somethings) go for it. But know college ain’t the end all be all and there’s other options. And if you think your mental health is taking a hit, take a break or leave. A college degree or college is not worth ending your life over. I miss my friends to this day (some of the ones who are currently dead were better friends to me than the ones living).
My Last Days
I realized that I had nothing else to give, my mental and physical health deteriorated, it was time to go. I counted down the days until it was over, I could not wait to leave.
If I did something, things went badly. If I didn’t do anything, things went badly. I went on a retreat to strengthen my faith and talk with God? It kept getting worst and nightmarish (if you read some of my current articles, I’m not a fan of organized religion and I’m on a rebellious streak, due to the religious quotes I mentioned above I feel like I need to keep saying this. ). Grief, burnout, being sick and exhaustion is no joke. It compounded and kept snowballing into a bigger storm. (As spilled milk momma points out, it’s a level of exhaustion you won’t understand…unless you been through it.)
There’s a difference between giving up and knowing when you had enough. I reached the point where I had enough. More and more was being added to my plate, and nothing was getting better or improving. Racist professors, chest tightening, throwing up and feeling like throwing up, watching friends pass away every semester, scholarship people threatening me every semester to take away my scholarship because I dropped courses due to medical issues, stabbing pains, cramps, heavy head, the acting school not having roles for POC, but saying you have to audition anyways, (how can you fulfill the requirements, when there’s no roles available for you, and in turn you are held back from graduating? Same thing in STEM.) irregular sleep cycles, too many people in the organizations I was in at the time treating me like shit because I wasn’t white, and so forth. I made it a point to sit in silence to decompress what was happening to me at that school, and wondering how did my college career end up like this? My confidence was running super stupid low every day. I never took it out on anyone, or treated people badly because things wasn’t working out for me, but I’m like I didn’t sign up for all of this. This is way above my pay grade. I felt like I let many things slip by me, and I got to a point where I was questioning the decisions I made and not trusting myself. All of this created a situation where I felt like I wasn’t doing a great job and could never do a great job. Assignments was mounding, and I felt overloaded. It felt like it was never going to get better. I got tired of suffering in silence. When I went out with friends, I never told them because I was great (and still am great) at hiding things. I never told anyone in my organizations I finally got into years later also because I initially got the impression they didn’t care anyways. Have you ever been with a group of people and still didn’t feel connected with them? Even though I put my heart into a lot of them organizations in school, it just didn’t seem to click. If you’re spending your life doing things you don’t want to do, and you greet each day with an overwhelming feeling of dread, then it’s definitely time to make a change. Being on that campus was like waking up in a nightmare and going to sleep to attempt to escape it. Then waking up to find that you are in hell again.
I’m grateful for my friends, (and some of the memories and food) but I can’t wear black and gold anymore after all of that. These experiences made me forget the child-like innocence I had. I do not want to lose myself in that way again. I had a honest conversation with my mom. And I’m still trying to get some of my immediate family on board. At this point in my life if ever, I do not want to be a Boilermaker ever again. I’m trying to find new teams to root for. One of those teams is a Hoosier.
I will try my hardest not to write another article on that school again. But definitely expect to see more Hoosier things in my feed. I unfollowed everything that reminded me of my former old gig, and I’m currently following everything Hoosier.
But Alesha you will find your way back to us one day. I love your enthusiasm, but I doubt it seriously. Some of my boiler friends are having a harder time adjusting to me wearing red and white. They will get used to it over time. If you ever want to come to the Hoosier side, I’ll be waiting for you, they are fun. I’m not going to be an idiot twice though, I’m into Hoosier Nation with a wall. I like college sports, but I have zero interest in enrolling in any college campus.
But Alesha those things transformed you and are apart of your story. I’m trying to erase it and start a new era. When I look back at a lot of it I remember being so worried, scared and troubled. I hope I can get people saying: Go Hoosiers.
You are loved! Your feelings are valid! Don’t let a job, school or career take the best parts of you. (Thank you Emily for the quote.)
I’m trying to learn how to be a Hoosier. And in order to do that, I really want to fully integrate and transition into Hoosier culture. This includes grief, realizing that the person I thought I was going to be growing up and the person I am today is hella different, and you that you did the best with what you could do with the knowledge that you had at that time, according to my guardian angel.
Grief isn’t just for the people who’ve left our lives, Alesha.
It can also be grieving over a sense of what we’ve lost like a work position, a career, facing an illness (loss of health), or even changing circumstances or lost opportunities.
Az advises that grief is a process and we might still be carrying loss no matter how long ago the other person left our life or the situation changed.
Alesha, I have a close friend whose traumatic brain injury affected every area of her life — health, work, relationships.
And a big part of her healing journey was learning to deal with the feelings of loss around her sense of who she was, and who she’d be going forward.
Calling on Az helped her greatly in both processing what she was dealing with AND being open to what she was called to do next.
When we love deeply, we feel loss just as deeply when someone or something is gone from our lives Alesha.
Az reminds us that honoring each loss is an important part of the human healing process.
Alesha, right now Archangel Bab is here to convert difficult feelings into genuine compassion for yourself and others.
Are you ready? Are you open to it?
If you hesitated, it’s okay, Alesha…
That is expected. Our human experience doesn’t necessarily promote transmutation of these negative emotions — our society usually promotes becoming stagnant there.
We’re taught that revenge is the way or that when you’ve been wronged that you shouldn’t trust others the same way again.
Truly, Alesha, this is the fastest way to becoming cold-hearted and closed off to your natural divine right to love and abundance.
Archangel Bab wants to see you live your most fulfilling, passion-fueled human experience, so he is here to offer his healing.
There is a difference between “turning the other cheek” and doing what is right, Alesha.
As much as we would love to remain passive about issues, Archangel Bab encourages you to stand up for yourself.
He holds a fiery sword that cuts through the darkness, exposing truths and also highlighting the best way to handle them.
No, this does not mean to go out and seek revenge, but Archangel Bab does wish to show you how to set and maintain boundaries.
The good fight here is about fighting for yourself.
Bab has helped me develop the inner strength to stand up for myself many times, Alesha, so I know that you have the ability to do this, too!
As much as you would love to give, give, give, or remain forgiving of others, that does not mean that you should feel depleted or drained of your energy.
This should also not make you angry or closed off to the world, Alesha.
Instead, Archangel Bab l offers the medicine of self-love and deep compassion for yourself.
All of the forgiveness that you would normally grant to others so freely should be poured into yourself, Alesha.
Bab is here to remind you that you did the best with what you could do with the knowledge that you had at that time.
Now, he is igniting your path towards healing, power, transformation, and protection for the future.
If you should ever need his assistance, simply ask for his mighty energy to guide and guard you through your future endeavors.
To better boundaries and your glorious healing.
If you have been on a rough road recently, this is a message letting you know that relief will soon be on its way via a serendipitous event. (As long as it’s IU related).
If you’re seeing 222 over and over again, perhaps it’s a message from angels that these are the numbers you need to pay attention to. It is a message from your Angels to let you know that everything will be okay, and that your Angels are always with you.
About the past and wondering whether you made the right decisions.
You often consider what your life might be like if you had chosen a different career or married someone else. Although you can’t change the past, you have a feeling that you wandered off your predestined path without realizing it. Now it’s too late to go back and change. 555
I went from thinking I’ll be a Boiler, Catholic and married in my 30’s when I was younger.
To realizing none of those are for me anymore. Now I’m a Hoosier, Loner (Single For Life) and areligious. If I play my cards right I can be a great sugar mama. I’m serious about the cat lady and hermit life, animal kids are great.
I give the upmost respect. But I demand mine. And you don’t have to give it to me. And if you don’t, I’m not going to be confrontational with you. I’m going to politely vacate the premises. I’m going to let the clown have the circus. In a room full of clowns , I can’t be apart of the circus. If you entertain a clown, you will be apart of the circus. -Kevin Gates
I vacated all those premises. I stopped letting the Catholics, my former college, some people, and some former organizations suck out of my straw. I was looking for love, security and loyalty in places that could never give it. As painful as it is, I cut them all out after trying to make it work for years. We wanted different things and we wasn’t aligned. When I care, I care wayy too much. In my opinion, I cared for the Catholics, the boilers, some former organizations wayyy too much. My loyalty runs so deep that I will fight for something until I feel like there is nothing left, no matter how bad it is or how long it takes. I will fight for the good times that could return, so once I stop arguing, “activity” caring, actively caring and checking on you (which is what I started doing with the Catholics, boilers, and other people). That’s when you lost me. I will cold turkey not care and become cold hearted.
I didn’t stop checking in on you because I stopped caring. I stopped checking up on you because you showed no effort. And stop checking up on me. I cared too much. You didn’t care enough.
Stop going to that place. Going to a place where you are not accepted. You keep going around people who don’t even like you and who don’t want to see you grow and elevating your life baby. You don’t belong in that place. The place where you are not welcome wholeheartedly. Well, when you walk out of the place, they down talking you. They laughing at you and they steady stabbing you in the back. This place here you don’t belong. You have to separate you among those who don’t mean you no good yet, you had to be shown who’s for you and who’s not for you. See the people that surround you are only temporarily baby. You gotta understand you’re very different, you was always the black sheep of the family. You’re the chosen one to be mindful. -AprilCochran91
I’m the girl who’s always there when you need a friend. But I am also the girl who faces many things in life on her own. But I’ll still do anything to make somebody smile. And make sure that they’re ok. -Stephaniea2121
One day, they are going to wish they treated you better. Sometimes, people push you aside because they don’t understand your value. They don’t understand what you bring to the table. And it’s sad to say, a lot of people don’t understand that until it’s too late/gone. Right now, they are treating you this way because they feel like you won’t become something. -churchlife7
I used to be afraid of losing people, until I realized, they weren’t down for me anyways. Even though my loyalty for them ran deep, they couldn’t care less. So I stepped back. And watched them lose me. Growth.-Creating wonders
I’m here to remind you, to not let the smile blind you. The people that you see lifting other people up have often been victims of trauma and drama, so desperate and dark, that they learn to be a light. The illumination that you see is drawn from a place of pain and misery. That their heart has been broken and they’ve lost and they’ve found. And now they try with all their might that others may not experience the same plight they lift and they encourage. They bless and they care because someone has destroyed them, but they rose again. And now they live in the air among us and they breathe and they live and they laugh. And they love. And it’s all from a place of darkness and pain. And so when you see others smiling just know it came from the rain. But now they have everything they need because they learn when they are cut. They heal when they bleed.-vikingtower.
You know that girl. The one whose been through so much but still standing strong. The girl whose gone through so much trauma and pain but always smiling and has the biggest heart. The girl that loves with everything in her heart because she knows the pain of how it feels to be unnoticed, unloved. That girl who will always be your biggest supporter and listen to your problems. Even though not many are there to listen to hers. That girl is me.-craziemomof3boys2girls
You help with so many people, but when you need help you feel like no one cares (and they actually show they don’t care). You walk around with a smile on your face because you don’t want people to see the hurt and the isolation you are feeling. -
When an overthinker becomes quiet, you gotta understand that they’ve been through hell. They’ve had their trust broken. They’ve had their heart broken. They been stepped on. They’ve been lied to and cheated on. So every situation in their mind is worse possible case scenario. So you gotta be patient with them. You gotta show them that you’re not there to hurt them. You gotta show them that you are trustworthy. Sometimes you might have to affirm them of your love for them. Sometimes you might have to go out of your way to make sure that they know that you love them. Sometimes you might have to go out of your way to prove that you aren’t out there to hurt them. They been through hell, you gotta be patient with them. Here’s the thing about overthinkers. They love deeply, and the reason why they overthink is they don’t wanna get hurt. So 99 of them are loyal to a fault. Just be patient.-kxnglow
When a good girl has been broken by the people she loves. She’s not selfish for focusing on herself. She been through a lot of shit. That pain she been through has made her life fall apart. So now she’s spending every waking moment trying to put herself back together, along with her life so that she can live her best life. STOP MAKING A GIRL FEEL GUITY FOR PUTTING HERSELF FIRST. She’s been putting everybody else first before her. How the feel is she supposed to live her best life, when you are draining the life out of her.-selflove_speaker.
She’s ok with being alone because no one is there for her. She’s ok with being alone, she ain’t tripping. She’s tired of being there for everyone else’s needs but her own. When she needs someone by her side, ain’t nobody there for her. She’ll look around all day long not to find a single soul. The only soul she can find right now, is the one person that she’s seeing right in front of the mirror. And that’s her damn self. Cuz ain’t nobody got her more than she got herself. And none of y’all deserve a woman like that.-selflove_speaker
When I don’t care I generally don’t. It’s curtains when I don’t. And once I get to the point of no return, it’s nearly impossible for me to see that situation/person the same way. I literally had to cold turkey and painfully shred the old (boilers, catholics, etc) to embrace my new identity (Hoosiers, areligious, and more!). People who once knew me may not even recognize the new parts of me I’m picking up. It’s like some old parts of Alesha is still there, but it’s like they need to be re-introduced.
Sometimes holding on too long does more damage than good. Know your limits and when you need to let go of a person and/or situation. This doesn’t mean they are bad people, it just means they no longer belong in your story. Love yourself enough to walk away from negative situations. This makes you strong, not weak! Love YOU
A form of self care? Stopping something that isn’t working. Catholics, boilers wasn’t working. So I stopped.
I cared way too much.
The sad fact is no matter how much you care, they don’t have to include you, love you or want you in the same way.
It’s a process and it hasn’t been easy. Are there times when I wish it worked out? Hell ya. Flashbacks to some good memories? Yes. But as I walk down this new path I’m excited for all the new memories, energy and people.
Even though you have not been given the opportunities you deserve, God sees your good work.
It can be frustrating when big opportunities slip away, not because you were not qualified, but because the world told you “no.” Now you might be wondering if you missed your one shot at success. 333
It’s not a secret that if you had been given the chance you could have been a doctor, lawyer, or professor. However, you’ve had to deal with more obstacles and hardships over the last few years than most people have to overcome in their entire lives.
Want to hear some good news?
You are about to be blessed with more resources, time, and energy then you can imagine. God is leading you down a new path where you can shine your light for others and help those in need. (I’ll believe it when I see it. People said black and gold was a blessing and geez.)
The pain you felt after a breakup was so bad that now you are more protective of who you let into your heart. (The smartest thing any assessment, or angel number has said).
When around your friends or family you are very social, easy to talk to, and extroverted. Yet, other times you are reserved, quiet, and tired. (Yes believe it or not I do have a quiet side, I can be laid back and really chill. This takes people off guard, sometimes I’m thinking about things, other times I just want to be quiet)
When you meet someone new it takes time before they become part of your “inner circle” of friends. They need to earn your trust first. You are selective of who gets to know the “real” you. (Selective and protective is an understatement).
The same can be said for your romantic relationships. Your heart has been broken too many times and you cannot bear to think about going through another painful breakup.
Although you might not realize it yet, your guardian angel has been sent down to protect you and guide you in a new direction.
God made a promise to us long ago, called a covenant, that he would not harm us. Seeing 222 is a clear sign that God is about to heal your broken heart. He wants you to open your heart to love and shine your light for others. (I’m shining my light through animals)
Simply put, the number 222 is a message from your guardian angel to open up your heart. (I’ve opened my heart and home to 8 outdoor cats. Hope this counts for something).
God is sending you a message that he is about to heal your broken heart. He will bless you with an abundance of love and hope. (Heal my broken heart through animals please.)
And seriously the only thing I ask is for my friends and family members to live long lives and not to be killed in tragic ways. It’s really hard to read religious, assessments, and angel number quotes like this, then lose a friend or family member in their 20s and 30s. I can deal with day to day setbacks (people not liking me, retaking classes over and over, rejecting me, getting fired from a gig and so on) but losing friends and family in tragic ways is a different level of trauma, and I wish I wasn’t subjected to that on a regular basis. It makes it hard for me to look back at the good memories from the place in question. And angels, guides, and ancestors, please don’t make promises you can’t keep. Just don’t. And 222, no.
I made a promise if I make it out of that alive, I would never put myself in that position again. Are you f**** crazy.
Yes, you’ve been really hurt and may even be afraid of getting out there again. You’ve been burned in love before, so you won’t let anyone get close to you for fear of getting hurt again. (Exactly)
You might even feel that you’d almost rather be alone than risk rejection. (Only child here, alone is not as bad as everyone thinks it is. It’s no drama, trauma, gossip and bullshit. Or people who want to people please to fit in at the expense of their own self respect and dignity.)
The Protective Pattern CAN protect you from getting hurt again. It is certainly wise to not let someone walk all over you. We applaud you for that. That protective cloak that you put over your heart, that may feel familiar and cozy, is also keeping your soulmate away. He can’t get in. He can’t see you, feel you, even find you. (I don’t want to be found, why do you think I started a Hermit/Animal/Cat Lady Channel. I film my adventures in the woods with animals. I got hiding places in Iowa. Instead of Where’s Waldo, it’s Where’s Alesha (travel channel).)
The person you love may or may not love you back. They may be in your life for a long time or they may not. They may be loyal and faithful or they may leave you at the curb. When you open your heart to someone special, you might be appreciated, laughed at or downright skewered. Scary stuff. Yes…Vulnerability is hard. It’s challenging. (If openly loving the place in question led to all that catastrophic damage, I’m good. I won’t even get into the relationships, I will keep that to myself. If that’s what being vulnerable and loving openly feels like I’m good.).
And as you realize more and more that facing down your fears and going for what you REALLY want doesn’t mean being taken advantage of, (I have my thoughts on that, but you can say what you want.)
You want to remain open to love but protect yourself emotionally: not a bad idea, right? Honor your sensitive self. Appreciate your steady-headed nature. You are loyal and kind, and once you give your love to someone, he is the luckiest guy in the world, because you are “all in”!
The risk of getting hurt again is something you feel in your heart very deeply. You’ve set up your life now where it is hard to let someone in.
(I notice several of these gives people notice that I’m sensitive, and that’s a guarded secret. I wish you stop giving away my secrets.)
The risk of getting hurt again is something you feel in your heart very deeply. You’ve set up your life now where it is hard to let someone in. I make it super hard, and I won’t lie about that. I have a lot of guys messaging me out of the blue, and I really wish the shit would stop. None of my ex boyfriends sent tons of messages in a roll like this or was so clingy and desperate. I have friends, family, and space.
I saw my crazy side multiple times, and I decided I won’t be involved with anyone or anything that takes me out of my peace like that ever again.
You give so much to help your family, friends, community, or even strangers without expecting anything in return. But very few people recognize that you might need help sometimes, too.
Recently you might have gone through a tough time and needed help, but nobody was there to lend a hand. When this happens it can be easy to feel discouraged about whether you are on the right path. 222
Recently you may have gone through a time in your life when you felt alone or unsupported. This number often appears after we ask for help from others but receive no support.
These feelings of loneliness usually appear after we feel physically or emotionally abandoned by our loved ones.
It’s no secret that you have supported many people throughout your life without asking for anything in return. But when you needed help, nobody was there to lift you up.
You don’t like asking for help, even though you know others would be more than happy to lend a hand.
This struggle of giving and taking has always been difficult for you. 1
After asking for help multiple times at the place in question, I really don’t feel comfortable asking for help any more even when I need it. They and a few others in my life made me feel so badly, that I do not want to be in that position ever again. I want to pull myself up so high that I don’t want to need or ask for help like that again.
But aren’t you going from bad to worst?
Being satisfied with the way things are, rather than how we think they should be, is the virtue of joy.
Yeah this has come across me several times, that IU has racist incidents on campus. I’m fully aware. I’m aware that some people in my immediate family have major beef with IU (like my mom) and it’s like a betrayal me heading that way. For the most part, most of my family are die-hard Hoosiers.
I’m going to repeat this from above: For those who keep trying to get me back into Boilermaker land by saying that IU is near Martinsville and that they are more racist? That’s the kettle calling the pot black. Focus on the racism that happens on your campus and quit trying to justify it by pointing your finger elsewhere. As a Purdue student, I visited IU multiple times to escape the bad treatment I was dealing with at Purdue, IU has never treated me like that. I’m going to side with the school that didn’t cause me so much pain in my life, and that’s 100% IU. No situation is perfect, nor was I expecting Purdue to be a cake walk. But to date, I have never experienced racism like racism on Purdue’s campus. That’s a different level of racism that exists up there….
As I stated before, I’m going with the school that caused no pain up to this point. Overwhelmingly, it’s IU. As soon as I removed myself from the situation, the burnt out symptoms improved.
Before another friend took his life, I remember two semesters before that, we went to Bloomington and had a ball. Every time I go back to the places we hung out at? It brings back great, happy memories. The treatment of some students on Purdue’s campus was so bad, some friends felt like ending their life was the only way to escape it.
I can change who I am currently and how I do stuff. I do not have a lot of faith or trust in anyone or anything currently, but go Hoosiers.
I can be a lightworker for my Hoosier clan.
I fought for myself, stood up for myself, and created a boundary by completely separating myself from the one place I loved (at one period in my life I loved it more than life itself). Once you get burned multiple times, you see life differently. I replaced all my black and gold with red and white. Do I get flashbacks and sometimes wish it was a more peaceful place for me in my mind? You bet. The 12 year old in me is wondering how did we ever get to this Hoosier phrase? Well young Alesha, shit happens. Things don’t work out. Here we are.
To finish off.
#3.
The more I try to move on from my past with the “other school”, the more I’m reminded of it every time people ask me a question. I’ve literally tried not answering the questions, giving people the silent treatment, and just being anti-social. And I’m dead serious about this one, I’ve been spending more time hiking in the woods.
It’s interesting, because this is the one area that I would like to get rid of forever.
I see things like:
Forget about your past mistakes and shortcomings
Don’t try to fix what needs to fizzle out.
I want you to be bold enough to start over.
The meaning of this powerful divine number 333 is to let go of past regrets, failures and guilt feelings. It is time to forgive yourself for past mistakes and move on with joy and happiness into the future with God’s light in your life guiding every step of the way. (Not religious, but I included this anyways.)
Forgiveness is one of the major keys to happiness on earth as well as in heaven. When you forgive someone else or yourself, it releases all negative energy associated with those people or situations from your life forever! When you have forgiven yourself or another person, then you are free from them emotionally and spiritually once and for all! (Don’t push it bud, some of these people don’t deserve forgiveness…My version is getting rid of all my black and gold gear)
If there is something holding you back from moving forward into a better future where everything seems possible, then this message from above might be just what you need to hear at this time! Moving forward with my Hoosiers baby!
Let go of all negative energy from the past
What do you do if your past keeps coming back? And you keep getting subtle reminders? This is the one thing that’s my past that I REALLY want to get rid of. It was a huge part of my life for years, and I loved it in my childhood. It was a part of my identity for so long, that I find it hard for others to adjust to the adjustment. When I wear red and white, they are like “Aren’t you wearing the wrong colors?” I’m like nope! Red and white is my new colors, and this is what I will be wearing moving forward.
The current questions I get asked give me a funny feeling that no matter what I do to detach, that other school will keep trying to find a way to stay like the ex that keeps trying to get back in your life. I will keep trying to get rid of my past with a new start in life my Hoosiers.
I even posted this on my Family Facebook.
Why I Really Became A Hoosier (Full Post Coming 6/26/2022) It’s great having family at IU, but switching to red and white is my way of giving myself a restart. I mean it, I got rid of all my black and gold gear after watching friends pass away and my chest tightening. Several times I felt like a elephant was sitting on my chest, or when you are in the gym and the bench press is too heavy and it falls on your chest. I never told anyone, but when I say my ass got ripped apart, most don’t know how deep that got. The only way I can get people to stop asking about my school history is to tell them that watching friends pass away hurts and I don’t want to keep bringing those memories back up. I signed up for challenging courses (and retaking a few over sometimes lol), not a racing heart, feeling like I can’t breathe, getting sick all the time, stabbing pains and being in a nightmare that felt like it would never get better.
And amongst other things. I make my points clear. And some of my experiences got published on the Huffington Post because y’all, it’s bad and extremely painful. I was honest with my mom and said I don’t feel like a boiler after all that . Speaking for myself IU has always been a place of good memories and I’m sticking with the school that hasn’t caused me a lot of pain. The only painful thing was leaving IU during visits and going back to the other school because I knew what I was dealing with. Bloomington boo I love you.
P.S. I don’t care about being right, popular, recognized or given credit. I just want all my friends and family that passed away back. (I sometimes look at all of you on here living your lives and doing your thing, and wish my peeps that are gone had the chance to do the same thing you are doing. Tomorrow isn’t promised, so make each day count. I’m proud of you.)
P.S. 2 I’ll gladly root for any school who’s colors ain’t black and gold (it hits close to the heart strings sry!). And they aren’t going against my Hoosiers that particular game. Go Hoosiers. ❤💚💕 (Boilers frands I still love you but I’m keeping my distance. Still wishing you all the happiness and success in the world, but just gonna be rooting for you wearing white and red. If you come over to the Hoosier side sometimes, they are a lot of fun. I’ll be waiting for you. Come say hey in May 2022 give or take 🚬. See you at the station to get our mugshot taken. Or at least a Bloomington po po ride 🙏🤣). I even have great memories with Bloomington police, even they are lovely (good ones I promise 💯, I haven’t had time to make other memories yet).
#4 Things I Did Learn
I did learn that most people do not care about your situation unless they are in in themselves. (Unless they are just nice and compassionate).
Due to my experiences at the other place, I like I said above, do not like asking for help to this day. They and a few others in my life made me feel so badly, that I do not want to be in that position ever again. I want to pull myself up so high that I don’t want to need or ask for help like that again. It was surely and hella embarrassing. And extremely painful. When I hear “scholarship” for other students the hair on the back of my neck stands up. It was too much red tape and strings attached. I got tired of the labeling, stereotyping, day to day microaggressions, and being treated like I was less than all the time. It’s the feeling that you get when you would be the last kid picked on the playground for the kickball game because of something you had no control over.
And I send good vibes to everyone who gets a scholarship.
Of course it is. If you learn at a very early age you can’t depend on the people around you for anything. You have to become independent. Then you feel like nothing goes right unless you do it yourself so you pull yourself so high that you don’t need anyone anymore-Delightful_Stormm
Maybe this point is a tragedy. I don’t have high expectations of things or people anymore. If they exceed expectations, great. I’m so disappointed in myself for spending years putting that place on a pedestal and for it to end up like that is a heart ripper. When you don’t have expectations, you won’t be disappointed. When you been burned, it changes how you see life. I don’t get butterflies anymore, I just see most people as a future trust issue. (Not to say I don’t ever trust because I do, but it takes a while).
To be blunt: I saw my crazy side multiple times there. I decided I won’t be involved with black and gold like that, that took me out of my peace like that ever again. I don’t want to be dependent like that ever again. The level of betrayal was so unusually high that I’m careful with who I trust, and I was always careful with who I trust even before this experience. Now I’m really really careful.
I don’t let my guard down so easy nowadays because I also don’t have enough experiences telling me that I’ll be safe if I do. Many of the times I did at the other place in question I got majorly hurt. Accepting a scholarship came with a price and strings attached. I have faced many major consequences before for trusting the wrong people, the wrong school and now I’m scared by the word ‘trust’. I’ve said this many times in this article. For years, I looked for something that was never there. I looked for safety, love, and security in a place that didn’t have and never had the capacity to give it. While I will have a wall up and I don’t expect IU or anything else on this planet to make hurt feelings go away, I want to feel safe when I’m around someone, so letting me know that you’re there for me (and not sharing my secrets) is really reassuring. Due to my experiences, it takes me a while to open up and get close with someone.
You are too afraid to trust someone. Maybe you have faced consequences before for trusting the wrong people, and now you are terrified by the word ‘trust’
How can I drop my guard when no one has ever actually taken care of me in a reliable consistent way that allows me to feel safe and trust?
I figure I’m my own safety net. I’m no longer going to look for safety in other people anymore. Speaking out and talking about my mistreatment in this world may cost me, but I don’t care. My only regret is not speaking up sooner.
Alicia Keys made a video about clearing out her friends.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/CYh4H8JIsqP/?utm_medium=copy_link
I usually give people more chances than they deserve, but once I’m done, I’m done.
I got rid of several groups, because they were afraid of being friends with me because that would piss the ring leader off in the perspective cliques. (FYI, this is people in their 20s and 30’s still playing this people pleasing shit, like we are in middle school. They rather walk on eggshells to please these people than be friends with me, and I don’t have time for it.
They wanted what they wanted, and it wasn’t aligned. I felt like I looked out for some of my boiler friends over the years, and looked out for people that didn’t look out for me in the same way (not even a little). So I cut out all the excess energy. Alicia Keys hit it on the head. I can create what I want to create, and for a long time, the school I loved for years didn’t feel safe or right. I was invisible and thrown away like a piece of trash, especially when racism and friends started passing away.
When I realized that some of the people in wasn’t putting in the same effort, I quit trying. I do have friends that I still talk to, love and care about that are Boilers. But I literally had to cold-turkey stop caring and distance myself from a few of them. I had to become cold to deal with the harsh reality. Maybe it’s some of my life experiences, but I’ve low key have always gotten the impression that some of them never really cared. So it was my natural instinct not to trust them, it was just a gut feeling like something is/was always off, like we wasn’t on the same wavelength. As a Gemini, I have an open mind about who I spend my time with, and I do have friends from all different walks of life and backgrounds. But the reality is if they are not open to a friendship with you, you cannot make people be in your life.
If we click, we click. If we don’t, we don’t.
How can I drop my guard when no one has ever actually taken care of me in a reliable consistent way that allows me to feel safe and trust?
The way the other place took me out of my peace I would be crazy to ever go back. It would be like saying “hey” I’m ok with being in an abusive relationship.
I spent years loving a place vulnerably without fear. I held on to something where in the end it didn’t work out and I crashed and burned.
I tried to make the relationship work and stay past the expiration date, because the little Boiler in me wanted to believe that maybe if I held on a little bit longer, try a little bit harder, don’t give up, that there would be a light at the end of the tunnel. While this article was about letting go of a best friend, when I was younger, I really did love this place more than life itself. I describe the situation a train wreck at best, and it was no longer worth fighting for. I no longer cared about being like my mom or going to same school anymore, it literally sucked the life and spirit out of me, and was done before I wanted to recognize I was done.
I’ve maintained relationships well past their expiration date for this exact reason. Things started off great, so I invested. The dynamic got increasingly worse, but instead of wondering if it’s still right, I’d go to work trying to fix it.
While she’s applying it to a friendship, I applied it to a situation.
Emotions aren’t linear or logical. We don’t stop caring for people easily (or in my case, a school). But when I finally looked at my situation at school through the lens of logic, a stark, harsh reality emerged:
- Did they rejoice in my successes? No
- Were they there for me during setbacks? Hell no.
- Were they a good sounding board? Mostly No
- Did they want what was best for me? No
- Did no share values? No
- Did we even have a good time together? Not anymore
This had been the case for a long time at school. Suddenly I realized I’d been holding on strictly for the promise of what used to be. I was hanging on to the 8 year old kid that thought anything would be possible with this place.
- Things weren’t going to get better
- It wasn’t going to be fixed
- Being at the place no longer brought joy.
- Functioning in normal situations went to the way side. It was rough patch after rough patch, and I couldn’t get past the rough patches. It hurt my ability to function. It was hard to describe. Nothing seemed to go right for a long time and it was hard to deal with being in a time of your life when nothing went right.
- My identity was attached to being a Boiler for so long. I had to pick up non-attachment for my own good. It destroyed my self-esteem, sense of self, and my child hood dream.
It was time, more than time, to say goodbye.
I regret that I hung on so long after that connection, love, peace and normal functioning was badly compromised. I was in love or fantasying with who I wish the situation was.
I own it, and this is me changing that.
we didn’t plan to become closed off to the world, but a lot of us were taught that it’s safer to go through difficult seasons alone than to risk being vulnerable with the wrong people.
we learned this lesson the hard way — we asked for help, only to be judged and ridiculed. we poured into people who never truly appreciated us. we didn’t just stumble, we fell flat on our faces — because there was no shoulder left to lean on. we looked around for our support system and saw an empty room.
and as much as we don’t want to hold onto these parts of our stories, how could we ever forget how that felt?
healing is a difficult, frightening process. some days, we feel light. we can feel ourselves letting go of situations that used to trigger us. other days, we feel the weight of every burden that we’ve ever carried bearing down on our shoulders and our spirits. it’s heavy.
we wake up one day and decide that it’s better to be numb than to risk falling off of another emotional cliff. we decide to run from our feelings for another day, because it’s the only way we know how to keep moving. we decide that we’re better off pretending that everything is ok, even when it’s not.
and this is valid. we can’t snap our fingers and become the people we were before the trauma. we can’t pretend to be okay until we are okay. healing takes work. we need a lot of time, space, and grace to walk the path towards restoration and uncompromising self-acceptance. healing isn’t a destination, it’s a lifelong process — and i think we’ll all be better off acknowledging how hard it really is, while choosing to believe that it’s worth the effort.
[tweet screenshot; tweet by michell reads: “sending love to everyone who is carrying their burdens in silence. sending love to everyone who wants to be heard but is afraid to speak. sending love to everyone who’s ever felt alone in a room full of people.”]- Mitchell C. Clark
I don’t get to get to tell people how to love me. I get to see how they love, and choose if I want to participate. And I can’t make people do right by me, but I can decide how often I choose to let them do me wrong.
I wasn’t always closed off. But after the experiences at the other place in question it’s definitely the case.
I asked for help on more than one occasion, to only be punished and made to feel worst. Many situations taught me that no one got me. It was better to suffer in silence, than to keep asking people that didn’t care and never cared in the first place. I fell down a lot, and was kicked down further by the administration.
Straight up, the people and organizations I cared for the most and poured the most into? Would not show up for me in the same way they showed up for others. Gave others a chance for deeper friendship than they gave me.
When you are down really bad, you find out who’s in your corner. The people I did the most for did not bat an eye for me, or even answer the phone. People treat you based on how much they value you, and I did not want to see the cold hard truth. The friendships I wanted from them didn’t exist. Just because I saw them as friends doesn’t mean they saw me in the same way. I accepted the situations for what they are instead of what I wanted them to be, what I thought they would be, and what they used to be.
I basically told myself if I make it out of this alive, I will never trust in the same way or be this fucking naïve and this much of an idiot again. I will never trust anyone with my finances this way ever again. I will pull myself up so high I will not need people like this ever again. (In the interest of not making this longer than it already is, this and a few bad breakups, and just other situations made me adopt protective love patterns.)
IU, I love you, but I’m coming into this fandom with a wall. Fool me once, shame on them. Fool me twice, same on me.
Go Hoosiers! Here’s to creating new energy and new memories. Here’s to new bonds and new people.
Even though you’ve been a place of great memories, I’m still learning a lot about Hoosier country!
If anyone has any advice for a new Hoosier fan, please let me know. Please don’t ask me questions about the other place though. I more in likely won’t respond to black and gold related comments in the interest of starting a new era.
References:
https://www.instagram.com/blackatpurdue/
https://www.instagram.com/p/CCeG216lLPj/
After You Read These (Only If You Want To), my school experiences, experiences with racism makes me not as trusting, and becoming a Hoosier is my attempt at giving myself a fresh restart.
My experiences in school makes me not want to ever touch a 9 to 5er, ever. (In this article, there’s a link to my other entrepreneur articles…. (The one above could fit in this category as well).
(I linked a lot of entrepreneur articles in When Society Pushes You To Be Mediocre, so whatever I miss here you can find there also.)
Straight-Up Racism & Sexism
Current Era (These are more recent)
2018 era. I glanced over these and for the most part
2016 era, but it still accurate of how I feel. (The Life Is Complicated has a few typos, but a lot of what I say in it is how I felt. It was before I talked about my racist experiences with some of the organizations I was associated with).
Huffington Post articles (My experiences with my “college” got me published on the Huffington Post because I was treated that badly, and for a while I was a contributor, I’m going to go ahead and make a copy of all of these just in case they decide to pull the plug, because I no longer write on there).
October 2nd, 2022 Update:
I found the perfect group of pictures that sums up my experiences at the other place in question. Michell C. Clark hits the spot.
Now that I’m in the Hoosier phrase.
It’s 2022 🔥🙌
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